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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband pressing me to earn more

345 replies

starsandladybirds · 03/10/2024 16:08

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

OP posts:
Original poster
starsandladybirds · 04/10/2024 08:29

arethereanyleftatall · 03/10/2024 17:06

And don't worry about the cost of the solicitor op. Until you're divorced, its still a joint pot. If he's spending on a solicitor, so should you be. Do you have access to the family money?

Yes I do. I put the cost of seeing a solicitor for an initial consultation on my credit card as I wasn't sure if I should be using the joint bank account. Thanks for clarifying this, I have no idea what others do.

OP posts:
Original poster
starsandladybirds · 04/10/2024 08:32

arethereanyleftatall · 03/10/2024 17:19

As hard as it is op, you need to realise that this IS happening, and you can't change that. At the moment, you're giving him all the power.

An absolutely glorious moment for me was when I, finally, detached emotionally from ex. We were having a 'debate' and I no longer was trying to please him. I didn't care what he thought of me. It was like the wool instantly went from my eyes. He was talking drivel. Amd I was able to just laugh. His argument was ridiculous. For the first time in twenty years, in that moment, the control switched from him to me and we both knew it.

Try to do that op, I know it's hard, but it'll be so much nicer for you when you can.

I can't wait to get to this point. I do feel different towards him now but I think it's because I feel a bit broken and worn down by it all. I'm a shadow of my old self and every day feels like waking up to a nightmare that won't end. I think I will be able to move on mentally when we are no longer living under the same roof but with nothing moving forward this "limbo" continues.

OP posts:
WillLiveLifeAgain · 04/10/2024 08:34

You have 50/50 childcare.
He and many others manage a full time job. Why can’t you?

Original poster
starsandladybirds · 04/10/2024 08:37

roobyred · 03/10/2024 17:37

I hope you are sleeping in a separate room, OP. If not, then do move into one. Keep your laundry etc in that room, so you become like flatmates.
Don't be arranging the food shopping etc for him. And don't be cooking his dinner. Make dinner for your son and yourself.

Does your husband work from home or does he have a commute?

You need to try to detach emotionally - which is easier said than done. He's calling the shots here, so you need to get to a place where you are selfish. Put yourself first here.

How does he see 50/50 working - is it going to be week on/week off? On the days you work, he should do the childcare.

You can go online and alter the child benefit so it comes directly to your own bank account. Check on Gov.uk for the benefits you are entitled to - universal credit.

It may seem expensive but a good divorce lawyer will be worth the investment. You need to get proper advice so you can work out what you are entitled to.

All the best, I'm sorry you are going through this but hopefully you have a much brighter future coming. Look after yourself.

Yes he moved into the spare room a couple of months ago. He works in an office and has a 30 min commute each way, he's usually out of the house for 11 hours a day. Thanks I will look that up and get myself a lawyer. I'm going to book some free advice initial consultations this morning. I need to start getting my ducks in a row and accept this is happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
starsandladybirds · 04/10/2024 08:39

BriannasBananaBread · 03/10/2024 17:43

He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

OP please try to speak to some people outside your usual social circle. Post some more threads in Mumsnet about lifestyle if you like.
Renting! The horror 😱 surely you'll soon be selling your body in the gutter 😂.
And on benefits too! Oh the shame 😳😔.
Your DC will surely grow up to be a delinquent drug dealer 😜...
Or perhaps you'll be absolutely fine, like the majority of people in those situations are, just with a different lifestyle to the one you have now 😁

Buy whatever you think you'll need for your new home/life out of the joint account, while you still have access to it before you split finances up. Next year's school uniform? Winter coats? Coat hooks? Flat pack furniture and rugs? Few tins of Dulux brilliant white? Car owned outright and in your name? Crockery and pans? Microwave that roasts etc too? Washer/dryer because there might not be room for both separately in a small kitchen? Phone owned outright so you can put it on a PAYG SIM Only Contract for £10/pcm? Laptop? Tablet? Plastic christmas tree and baubles? Bicycle? Small sofa to fit in your new small living room? Bookshelf? I mean, he doesn't want his DC to miss out in future just because mummy earns less...

Oh and a big padlock for the garage where you're storing it all so he can't arrange to have it returned.

Edited

This is a really good idea! Thank you, I will start making a list of what I need and using a little each month.

OP posts:
Tel12 · 04/10/2024 08:39

Hopefully you have stopped all cooking and other services such as laundry etc?

Original poster
starsandladybirds · 04/10/2024 08:44

AcrossthePond55 · 03/10/2024 19:00

@starsandladybirds

All I can say is that my cousin was advised by her very SHL to NOT change anything about her employment. Not to increase hours and not to decrease hours, until the financials were signed, sealed, & delivered.

It got financially tough for her for a bit, but it was worth it in the end.

Thank you, that's really good to know. How long was it financially tough for her and how is she/things now?

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 04/10/2024 08:48

OP, I've been through this. Do NOT let this prick bully you and tell you what to do. Lawyer up well. You have a small dependent child and you will get more than 50%. He knows this so he is trying to bring you down. As for 50/50, he's not really thought this through has he? He won't want it when reality hits and he's got the huge costs of childcare to pay for and can't go into work because child is unwell or whatever. It's all so he can avoid paying maintenance. What a prince. Again, decent lawyer, get into mediation which is a requirement anyway and if he messes that up, let a judge deal with it. He won't get what he thinks he's going to. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
starsandladybirds · 04/10/2024 08:50

SuperGreens · 03/10/2024 19:12

There is a lot of evidence to suggest 50/50 care is not in the best interests of such a young child. It can cause psychological issues, they need that strong bond with the primary caregiver in the early years. The diary of you providing the majority of the care (appointments, activities, night and morning waking's, meals etc) would be helpful. As well of course as the very tangible fact you work part time to facilitate your childs care. That will be why he wants that changed, nothing to do with you or your childs wellbeing, just his own. My advice would be keep things exactly as they are. Let him file and push the divorce through, refuse the 50/50 on the basis you do not think it is in your young sons best interests (always centre the child). If he wants to fight you on residency it will go to magistrates court so you can self represent. As primary carer you can claim UC wage top ups and he will have to pay maintenance and that will hopefully buy you some time to recover from this shock and re-establish yourself in the workplace eventually, maybe even retrain in something that will provide a better income in the future.

I would prefer it to be more 60/40 whilst DS is still so young but want him to have a good relationship with his father and see him regularly. I've never spent more than 2 nights away from DS whereas husband has spent up to a week apart at times on trips he's taken, including for two holidays in the past year that had been booked for all of us at the time but last minute he threw a strop and decided he wasn't coming, so I had to take DS alone. I would find it really hard being away from DS for more than a couple of nights on a regular basis. But I know I am going to have to face this may be the reality going forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
starsandladybirds · 04/10/2024 08:51

MoosakaWithFries · 03/10/2024 19:16

When my DP went to court the judge told his then wife that she was consciously depriving herself by working part time, minimum wage. She was told that she had a responsibility to maximise her earnings just as he was and the settlement reflected that.

Divorce can take years. I'd focus on creating my own financial future rather than stall in the hope to get a little more.

Thank you I will bear this in mind.

OP posts:
Elektra1 · 04/10/2024 08:54

He wants you to earn more because that will reduce your "needs" in the divorce. A court will expect you to maximise your income, but that doesn't mean you have to rush out and take another job. Changing job while going through one of the most stressful times of your life is not necessarily a good idea. I would make a request at work for increased hours. If they say no, then you can't increase your income right now. Get a record of this. ie emails between you and HR (or whoever you need to ask).

SheilaFentiman · 04/10/2024 08:58

I don’t often agree with Milliymolly, but she is right here - posters seem to be starting from the premise that a £100k job precludes a 50/50 split, and it doesn’t.

Both DH and I earned this in nursery/primary years and we took equal share of child sick days, pick up and drop off from nursery etc. This H could eg have the child sunday, WFH Monday and Tuesday to facilitate nursery and then drop him at nursery on Wed on his way to the office, doing longer hours the second half of the week and putting key meetings then.

Original poster
starsandladybirds · 04/10/2024 08:58

LemonTT · 03/10/2024 20:00

You need to look at the options and what you want. And you need to do that as a single person. He has his own plan for the future and his salary is probably sufficient to give him what he wants.

Your salary isn’t your income. You need to factor in entitlement to benefits you won’t have received before. As a single mother your income with benefits would probably render spousal support pointless. Benefits are means tested for spousal support but not child support.

If you can give your child the life you want on your PT job, benefits and your share of the equity then that is an option. Your other options are to go full time or get a new job. That might involve child care costs for you. At the end of the day it’s just maths and a choice you have to make for you. It won’t get easier or less painful if you are angry.

And I’m not going to lie, my advice to you would be to at least go FT or to get a better job. That way you set up your future and become independent. I would want my ex to be as financially stable as possible for the sake of my children. Most people I know wanted their ex’s to be stable co parents. It’s not an awful thing for him to say. Just a patronising suggestion.

Of course you are hurt and frightened for the future. But getting isn’t going to help. You need to run the numbers.

In relation to your actual question. Does it matter if you change job whilst buying a home. Yes it can, depending on your circumstances. If you end up in a probationary period or your situation is very tight, lenders can get skittish. There is something of a risk. If you don’t need to take that risk don’t. But the figures will tell you whether or not you need to. As will you own appetite for risk and career advancement.

Thank you. Yes I am going to look at what to do now for me as a single person. He can support himself on his salary and has plans for his own place, I've seen him browsing on Rightmove some evenings so he's obviously looking forward to this new life of his own.

I can't afford to live on my PT salary but I'll start by updating my CV. I need to get my mind in a better place.

OP posts:
Original poster
starsandladybirds · 04/10/2024 09:01

Frazzled54 · 03/10/2024 20:53

I’m currently going through a divorce with a charmer like your ex.
i work PT and have done for 11 years to facilitate ex DH’s job. I’ve enabled his role and promotions by doing 80%+ of the childcare and I’ve used my leave to cover school holidays for years.
Ex’s solicitor threw this out to him to tell me I could go back full time and also he said he wanted 50/50 custody.
After having a complete melt down, I offered him 50/50 knowing full well there was no way he could ever manage it! He knocked it back.
My solicitor also laughed at his solicitor saying I could work FT again or find another FT job.

It’s all games they play.

I’m still part time, I have my child most of the time (ex has him or his mum comes to help me when I’m work ) and I get CMS.
I'm also entitled to 50/50 of the marital assets including half of his lovely fat pension 😎

Don’t listen to him.
Get a solicitor and harden up. He sounds like a bullying 🔔 🔚 exactly like my ex has tried to be.

Thanks for sharing your story. How are you finding things now and are you happy? Do things get easier? I think a large part of the worry is how DS will be affected by all this and will life be as good as it used to be again.

OP posts:
PriyaPT · 04/10/2024 09:05

OP please tell us a bit more what home life is like now - are you still doing his laundry? Still vacuuming the spare room and changing his sheets?

Stop.

Start acting “separated”.

He will file for divorce faster when you are no longer being submissive to his needs. Let him feel some misery and show him how things will be if he drags it out.

Research grey rock, and hire that shit hot lawyer.

Original poster
starsandladybirds · 04/10/2024 09:05

Eze · 04/10/2024 06:21

This man is not your friend. Everything he does is in his interest only.

A lot of men at the start off a divorce asking for 50/50 because they’ve realised if they have the child more than 52 nights a year payments are reduced and if they have 50/50 they don’t pay anything at all.

If you go full time it will reduce your capacity to be the primary carer and your increased wage will mean he gets to keep more of the joint assets. Stay in your part time job.

Also stay in the house. Don’t let him bully you out (sounds like that’ll be the next thing he tries).

If you haven’t already open your own bank account and take half from the shared account. Half is the starting point for any split. With you being primary cater and earning less than him the split could be 60/40 or 70/30 as you need to house the DC.

Stop washing and cooking for him too. I remember with satisfaction hearing my ex bitch about me to his friend that I’d had the gall to stop doing his washing and cooking - we both worked full time in my case. Dickhead.

You’re going to need a shit hot lawyer to help you navigate this wanker and his bullshit. Mine let me pay a bit a month towards a “fighting fund” and gave me time once divorce was complete to pay the balance.

My ex’s offer would have meant me and the kids homeless with £20k. My shit hot lawyer got me the house, 8k and maintenance until the DC finish full time education (so he still pays if kids end up doing a degree, hell even a PhD!). The split I got was actually 55/45 in my favour. My ex “forgot” about his trust fund and massive pension when suggesting we carve up the assets.

Take care, it’s a tough time and you need support to navigate your way but you’ll come through it. Don’t agree to anything just say I’ll speak to my solicitor.

Thanks for this, I'm stopping washing and cooking and that's good to know about the "fighting fund". I will start putting a bit away for this, if you don't mind me asking how much did your divorce cost overall?

OP posts:
Original poster
starsandladybirds · 04/10/2024 09:19

PriyaPT · 04/10/2024 09:05

OP please tell us a bit more what home life is like now - are you still doing his laundry? Still vacuuming the spare room and changing his sheets?

Stop.

Start acting “separated”.

He will file for divorce faster when you are no longer being submissive to his needs. Let him feel some misery and show him how things will be if he drags it out.

Research grey rock, and hire that shit hot lawyer.

Yes I think you're right, he has it easy at the moment. Day to day, I did stop cooking for a bit but he cooked for us all and then I started again. Was still doing the washing, making each other odd cup of tea. Been for the odd walk with DS but mostly doing things separately at weekends and no longer spending time with each other's family or friends. We've each told our families what's happening and a couple of friends but majority still don't know and no one that we are friends with in our town or that we live close to.
He took off his ring months ago and I no longer wear mine now.

He still comes home from work and sometimes tells me about his day or what's been going on at work. Asks how DS has been and how I'm feeling (if I've been ill). Our salaries are still in one main account and money divvied up for bills etc as usual. He suggested a movie last weekend he'd heard was good so we ended up watching it together. Then at end I said goodnight and went up to 'my' room and he went to spare room.

Both of us telling DS how much we love him, kisses and cuddles but nothing for each other although we are civil and never argue in front of DS. It feels like the lines are very blurred and life feels very strange. Reading what I've written I can already see what I should not be doing. It's hard when I'm desperately wishing life was what it was, with us as a little family again.

OP posts:
PriyaPT · 04/10/2024 09:26

Also is 60:40 really what you want? This is a negotiation, get your solicitor on the case.

You can have 60:40 in your back pocket as a backstop but say to solicitor you want more. Why should you be split from young dc for a whole week? Not in dc’s best interest.

”What I want is as follows:
DH has one fixed overnight a week let’s say Wednesday - he picks up from my house 7am and takes dc to nursery, then drops dc at nursery again Thurs morning.

Then I propose he can have every other weekend. I will drop off to his house or he can collect by 8.30am Saturday, he will take dc to nursery drop off on Monday a.m.

Holidays: until school starts, we can each have two weeks in summer by mutual agreement of dates.

When school starts, school holidays split down the middle 50:50 in blocks of one week, both of us should be permitted a consecutive stretch of two weeks in summer by mutual agreement of dates. One half term holiday each, rotating annually. At Easter, split in half by agreement on dates. If your weekend runs into an inset day or similar, you are responsible for care on the extra day off school.

Birthdays: by reasonable agreement, but we should both try to flex dates to enable dc to attend birthdays (own and mum or dad).”

And so on.

Nail it all in writing. You’ll terrify him when he realises what he’s asking for.

RandomMess · 04/10/2024 09:28

Start cooking and eating with DS before he gets back from work.

I would even start only shopping for you and DS.

He's going to get a shock when full time day nursery fees need paying in "his" days with DS during the week and he needs to take time off when DS is ill etc.

Flowers
PriyaPT · 04/10/2024 09:30

ps my heart breaks for you, but your life will improve when he’s out of it. He is dragging you down, you said yourself you are a shell of your usual self. You owe it to dc to muscle through this.

I remember my gran - she died in her 90s - a more sympathetic, pickled-in-hardship, tough old lady you can’t imagine. I model myself on her - she got through everything - wars, death of first dh when dc were young, poverty, long term illness.

We are women. We are strong, and compassionate, and emotional and amazing. We can do anything.

SD1978 · 04/10/2024 09:34

He's looking for a closer to 50/50 split of the assets, by having your both in fulltime work, before the financial settlement. Whilst you absolutely have to try and increase your hours as you'll need to, currently as you're both in the same house, how is the childcare working? Lemme guess, you're still doing it all, whilst he doesn't. I'd be starting the 50/50 now.....take week and week about that you are responsible for before and after nursery, and also let him know that you will be needing to increase to fulltime nursery to make the 50/50 work, because him having every weekend as a convenience to him, will not work for you as you also need weekend time with your child, so a Monday- Sunday arrangement can start from now, he can do all before and after nursery, as you can not guarantee you'll be home.......then see how long the 50/50 care he's trying to claim he'll do is going to last......

SheilaFentiman · 04/10/2024 09:36

Week and week about is not the only way to do 50:50 and is probably a bad precedent to set, if the OP can’t stand the idea of being away from her kid more than two nights. Split weeks would be better for her (and probably for DS - less change)

SheilaFentiman · 04/10/2024 09:38

And if it increases to FT nursery on week and week about, OP would need to pay her half even if she didn’t need it for her full week. How does that help?

PriyaPT · 04/10/2024 09:47

Exactly @SheilaFentiman

Weekly swaps is better when the kids are older - worked like a dream for my db.

@starsandladybirds the advice from pp about stocking up on clothes and supplies and storing it somewhere using joint account Funds is sensible. Id make sure you cover the stuff you KNOW dh won’t stump up for - even things like a huge stash of birthday/Xmas cards and wrapping paper and gift bags as soon there will be loads of school parties. Keep boxes in the attic as you accumulate stuff.

DrCoconut · 04/10/2024 09:54

He is clearly hoping to reduce/eliminate maintenance and play happy families with OW (almost certainly there is one). This could even be OW idea, I had a friend who's ex suddenly showed an interest in their child when his new GF suggested it. You need your own solicitor and proper advice from someone who is out to get a good outcome for you and your child.