Husband pressing me to earn more

[starsandladybirds]

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

Don't change a thing, it wouldn't be wise for your own sake anyway atm.

Im sure he loves DS very much, but I still suspect he's just saying he wants 50/50 to cut down on maintenance, let him try it, it wont last long.

He wants you to work more hours so he doesn't have to pay child support, which will be likely even with 50:50 if you earn considerably less than he does. He knows this.

Don't change a thing.
If you are the primary caregiver and you will have your child with you more rather than putting them into childcare, I would be pushing to be the primary carer, not 50:50, at least until they go to school. Tell them you'd be happy to reevaluate at that point in time.

Do you have a lawyer?

Please have a chat with them agd follow their advice.

The reality is, he has money. He will have no issue getting advice from lawyer to push things to his advantage. Regardless of the impact on you or whether it’s fair.
You need to do the same. Get advice and act on that. Not on what he wants or asks you to do.

Is his job one that can accommodate 50/50 childcare op?

One fairly (now) funny anecdote for me was when my exh was to have them 2 days a week, all sorted tues and Friday, CM reflected 2:7. Anyway, so it was all done, we were in our separate houses and he sent me a text on the Tuesday. 'So I'll pick the girls up on my home from work at 7pm and drop them back to you Wednesday morning at 7am.'
No, sunshine, no you won't.

It's also so he doesn't have to pay maintenance due to the great disparity of your earnings.

Don't change your hours. Continue being the primary caregiver for your son.

And stop cooking/doing laundry for your husband. Do everything for your child, nothing for your ex. And he is now your ex.

And don't worry about the cost of the solicitor op. Until you're divorced, its still a joint pot. If he's spending on a solicitor, so should you be. Do you have access to the family money?

How exactly is Mr £100k job going to manage the school runs, after school care, school holidays on 50:50?

He isn't, he just doesn't want to pay you maintenance.

Don't change your job, start living as separated - no food shopping, cooking, sandwich making, laundry for him.

And keep a diary of how much you do for your DS. I would guess it's 99% of the practical parenting.

That's exactly what I thought. If you're working part time and go to court he likely won't get 50/50 and therefore will need to pay more maintenance. Keep your part time job, get a shit hot lawyer and start the divorce process yourself.

Wow he wants everything his way and believe me, there is no way that he is thinking of what is best for your son let alone you. What he wants is utterly irrelevant and you need to make yourself as cold as ice towards him. No housework, no cooking, no laundry, give him a taste of starting to look after himself. And tell him you want to start the 50/50 care giving straight away so that your DS can get used to the change, see how that flies with his high powered job.

He's only the one in control here if you let him be. Find your inner strength, get signed off work for a few weeks if you need to, and ask around for a good solicitor recommendation because with a twat like this, you're going to need one. They will run the bill up and it'll get paid at the end.

You poor thing - as others don't change your job or increase your hours and take this wanker for every penny

It won’t make difference to divorce outcome - you’ll be assessed on your earning potential not what you earn now part time, both parties will be expected maximise their earnings,

and for those saying how will op ex manage pick ups etc / same as op when she works ft, juggling, mix of breakfast abc after school clubs, other parents etc etc

As hard as it is op, you need to realise that this IS happening, and you can't change that. At the moment, you're giving him all the power.

An absolutely glorious moment for me was when I, finally, detached emotionally from ex. We were having a 'debate' and I no longer was trying to please him. I didn't care what he thought of me. It was like the wool instantly went from my eyes. He was talking drivel. Amd I was able to just laugh. His argument was ridiculous. For the first time in twenty years, in that moment, the control switched from him to me and we both knew it.

Try to do that op, I know it's hard, but it'll be so much nicer for you when you can.

with a change in the family dynamics the last thing you need is to change jobs.
you and only you should determine when you are in the right personal space to take on new employment.

He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

Aww all out of the kindness of his own heart 😂
Or perhaps he's been told you'll get less in the settlement if you earn more...

Do what's best for you OP. He gets zero say in your life and your decisions from this moment on, you're no longer a partnership and you don't have to do any compromising. Put your details into Entitled To, get the government's opinion on whether you need to earn more. That's the only opinion that counts, other than your own.

Start getting your ducks in a row re financial paperwork to give you an idea of what you might be able to rent/buy after divorce, housing costs take the biggest chunk of salary usually and some people can genuinely afford to work part time if their wage isn't bad and they own outright and they live a simple or frugal life.

"Can't afford to move out" on £100k, my arse 😂. The manipulative little shit is just trying to make things uncomfortable for you so he gets his own way.

If he hasn't initiated divorce proceedings yet because he's waiting for you to earn more, you can instigate proceedings yourself. No need to be stuck in a stalemate.

'and for those saying how will op ex manage pick ups etc / same as op when she works ft, juggling, mix of breakfast abc after school clubs, other parents etc etc'

I think people, including me, were asking this specifically for her own situation. Often £100k salary jobs don't come with putting your pen down at 5.30pm to get to afterschool club by pick up time.

You need to officially separate your living arrangements. You can still live in the house together but not as a couple. This will allow you to claim Universal Credit to top up your current part-time wages. Do this ASAP. Don't cook, shop, or do his washing. Use this money to pay for a very good solicitor who is experienced in divorce and family. Do not up your work hours. Do not agree to give him 50:50 care. If it goes to court for childcare arrangements explain that you have been doing all the childcare up to this point and working part-time to enable this. Even if he does get 50:50 awarded you will likely still get maintenance which you can use towards a mortgage as long as you have this cited in your divorce agreement. I think you may also be able to count Universal Credit as income but you may want to check that.
So sorry you are going through this Op. I will put money on him having another woman in the wings. Men don't generally initiate divorce unless they have other plans.

I’m normally not one for the drama, but I do think he’s manoeuvring himself into a better position.

I’m going through a tumultuous time in my own relationship, and it has been a conscious thought to just get my head down and try to repair things for at least 18 months, as after that my DH’s financial position will improve and he’ll be able to buy me out of my share of the house if I want to leave at that point.

Put your claim in for child benefit and universal credit, both if which you are entitled to as a separated couple. He will have to give a tax return to most it back as a higher earner, but thems the breaks.

Universal credit is going to be a tricky one if living together while separate, one on a 100k salary and OP part time as I can imagine it will be difficult to prove they are financially separated when I assume he is paying most of the family/household expenses.

There’s also the issue for OP if she pushes the financially separated angle for UC that he goes “okay great well as a separated couple ALL your are entitled to from me is CMS, so there you go”. If he is currently paying for other things then there’s a real chance that OP will be significantly worse off in the short term by only getting CMS from him.

What does he think 50/50 looks like?

Don't agree to him having all the weekends. There.was a poster on here not long ago with that set up and I really felt for her.

I just don't see how he accommodates three full week days? Or does he mean 'my mum will look after her'.

The consideration needs to be 'is 50/50' in the best interest of the child. Not 'my high earning husband wants an arrangement that means he doesn't need to pay maintenance'.

It doesn't sound like mentally you are in a place for a new job. It might be what is best for you in the long term but you need to rebuild and get sorted first or you are never going to be successful at it.

Sorry but I'd also suspect there's another woman. Men in his position rarely decide to make a move which makes life harder without something lined up.

I hope you are sleeping in a separate room, OP. If not, then do move into one. Keep your laundry etc in that room, so you become like flatmates.
Don't be arranging the food shopping etc for him. And don't be cooking his dinner. Make dinner for your son and yourself.

Does your husband work from home or does he have a commute?

You need to try to detach emotionally - which is easier said than done. He's calling the shots here, so you need to get to a place where you are selfish. Put yourself first here.

How does he see 50/50 working - is it going to be week on/week off? On the days you work, he should do the childcare.

You can go online and alter the child benefit so it comes directly to your own bank account. Check on Gov.uk for the benefits you are entitled to - universal credit.

It may seem expensive but a good divorce lawyer will be worth the investment. You need to get proper advice so you can work out what you are entitled to.

All the best, I'm sorry you are going through this but hopefully you have a much brighter future coming. Look after yourself.

I would definitely not change your job or up your hours at this time - this makes the settlement in his favour entirely! I think you should stay in the role you are (plus changing job and possibly home and everything else if very stressful indeed). You do need to divorce him though and start that paperwork. Get all of his paperwork that you can, and start proceedings whilst your child is young enough that you can be considered as the main carer. He only wants 50/50 to reduce his payments I am sure.

Yes to above and yes
‘wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split’.

He disgusting. Trying to sway it so you’re worse off and he gives you less money in child maintenance. Stay in your current job and wait for him to action whatever he likes. You’ll get more child maintenance and more time as he won’t be able to do 50/50 if he’s not got childcare.
yuk.
good luck with it all - stick to your guns xxx

He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

OP please try to speak to some people outside your usual social circle. Post some more threads in Mumsnet about lifestyle if you like.
Renting! The horror 😱 surely you'll soon be selling your body in the gutter 😂.
And on benefits too! Oh the shame 😳😔.
Your DC will surely grow up to be a delinquent drug dealer 😜...
Or perhaps you'll be absolutely fine, like the majority of people in those situations are, just with a different lifestyle to the one you have now 😁

Buy whatever you think you'll need for your new home/life out of the joint account, while you still have access to it before you split finances up. Next year's school uniform? Winter coats? Coat hooks? Flat pack furniture and rugs? Few tins of Dulux brilliant white? Car owned outright and in your name? Crockery and pans? Microwave that roasts etc too? Washer/dryer because there might not be room for both separately in a small kitchen? Phone owned outright so you can put it on a PAYG SIM Only Contract for £10/pcm? Laptop? Tablet? Plastic christmas tree and baubles? Bicycle? Small sofa to fit in your new small living room? Bookshelf? I mean, he doesn't want his DC to miss out in future just because mummy earns less...

Oh and a big padlock for the garage where you're storing it all so he can't arrange to have it returned.

He's divorcing you so should no longer be trusted to be acting in your best interests.

Assume he's acting in his on best interests ahead of yours and act accordingly.

Don't change jobs.