Husband pressing me to earn more

[starsandladybirds]

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

Good advice from @SD1978

Make him start facing reality now.

This is good, I did start cooking/eating before so I wouldn't have to see him when he got home - I will do it again .

Thanks so much. Your gran sounds like such an amazing lady and a real inspiration. I know I can be strong I just need to get my head round this and start separating more.

I'd love to have DS the majority of time but think H will push for more, he is really attached to him too. The suggestions you've made though I've made a note of as hadn't properly thought about holidays or how birthdays would be for example. Thanks

I really really wouldnt make the basis of you relati9nship about domestic tasks. He can afford to outsource that. The reason he is with you is because of you. Its not your domestic capabilities. Maybe have an honest convo what does he want in a relationship, what you want, why you fell in love ect. From the information you have provided the assets were his before marriage, its a short marriage and he is an active parent. If you position is 60/40 it demonstrates he is capable, if he pushes for 50/50 only 10% increase he will get it.

@starsandladybirds fair enough that your ex is attached to his child.
Up to him to sort things out NOW and prove its actually important for him.

Like, is he actually proposing to pick up dc on the days you’re working?
Is he taking him out during the weekend to do things?

Or is he still living his life as if you weren’t separated, leaving you with all the parenting and mental load whilst claiming his child is really important?

You asked earlier in this thread, what finances etc. of his should you be finding out about - salary, and pension, savings, investments i.e. is he fortunate enough to have other properties / half a dozen Rolls Royces in a garage, your car ? his car - are they owned outright and in whose name.

Don't let him boss you about OP. If he mentions it again just tell him to concentrate on himself and you'll do what's best for you and DC. You'll likely get 50/50 for DC if he asks for this anyway whether you work or not. Expect to get 50 percent of equity and 50 percent of joint pensions. If your DH has DC 50 percent of time you won't get maintenance for DC because he will be buying clothes and food for DC when he's with him. Do not understand any circumstances agree to collect DC in morning and drop at nursery/school or collect on his days. I have a friend who was devastated when her DH who had been very uninvolved in childcare got 50/50 just so he did not have to pay maintenance for 3 DC. Then he expected my friend to pick up DC on his days and take to school and collect from school on his days if he was in meetings or busy. She felt terrible because school would ring and say collect your DC and shed just go even on his days. Now she's stronger as Nd has advised school which are her days and to ring exh on his days and if he does not respond to call SS. They did this once and now he's offered to pay maintenance and DC live withy friend 5 days out of 7 and exh has them 2 days a week and pays maintenance to my friend. She works from home and has Flexi time so can drop off the DC and collect them and they are older DC than yours. Her youngest is 8 and oldest 13.

Expect to get what you put it therws no 50/50 split ever recorded on a marriage of that length. Its just not true.

This is very hard, I think some points.

you won’t get more in the divorce as you’re part time, you will be expected to go full time , they may give you a period of grace but it won’t go in your favour thay you’re still part time and haven’t acted. You need to focus on becoming financially stable in your own right. Also look at benefits. You will be expected to provide for yourself and half your child’s costs.

on the home front you need to start separating. I have friends who divorced and they shared the house for a year as they waited for the sale. Very similar situation in terms of how they interacted, and we all kept telling them they had to stop, as one party wanted to stay in the marriage, and it was misleading to an extent as it stopped them fully accepting it. It just caused more pain in the long wrong, as the outcome was never in doubt. The party would wanted the divorce thought they were being kind, and forging an amicable friendship. The party who didn’t, felt maybe there was hope. When there never was.

@caringcarer this is a good anecdote - these “faux” involved dads always rely on mum to pick up their slack. I think schools really get this and absolutely support helping mums to make dads do what they promised in court.

If a call to social services is what it takes then so be it and school will usually be kind enough to help - dad learns his lesson the hard way.

50:50 is all too often just a shitty way of cheating an ex out of financial support and making it look like you’re some kind of hero when in reality most of the dads don’t even understand what 50% of parenting would actually mean. And when they realise they think “eff that, ex-W will have to step up I’m not effing putting MYSELF out.”

It was tough until the divorce was final. IIRC, maybe 2-3 years. She has never had the lifestyle she was used to, but once the financial agreement was signed and the divorce was final she upped her hours to 3 days a week from one + good child support meant that she was fine. She always had to mind her finances, but she was secure. She was a Dental Hygienist which where I am (US) is a very well paid job. She was given 'alimony' for 6 months to 'get on her feet' but she obviously had the training and certificates for a good job already. She kept the house, in exchange she 'signed off' on the share of his assets that equalled her buying him out.

Things are great for her now. It's been years, the children are grown, she's retired, and best of all, the house is now paid off. Her ex married the OW and they bought a huge house and both are working all hours to pay their bills. I guess they haven't been super happy and the kids say they snipe at each other all the day.

So all's truly well that ends well (for her). And for him guess the grass wasn't greener after all!

I hope you've managed to arrange a solicitor that you trust.

There are lots of practical things to make your life smoother when you have separate homes.

Using a Parenting Plan template is a very helpful way of keeping focused on the organisation required for co-parenting.
https://naccc.org.uk/for-parents/parenting-plan/

Also the Co-parenting Handbook by Karen Bonnell is helpful (get it cheap on Abe Books).

We use a shared online calendar to keep on top of the routine. Easy to set up if you both have iPhones.

Re: working. I assume with a 2 year old that you are in your 20s or 30s. You need to get practical about going back to work. It is probably not on your radar at the moment but building up a pension from working (probably full time) is the best thing you could do for your future self.

You have had a short marriage so I doubt there is a huge settlement. You've only been part time for 2 years. This is why you need the legal advice asap.

We did 50/50 initially. It didn't work out this way in the end. The routine was week 1 - mon/tues mum, wed/thu dad, fri to mon mum, week 2 - mon/tues dad, wed/thu mum, fri to mon dad. So a 2, 2, 3 night routine. We did this for a few years but then changed to be 1 night a week with dad and then every other weekend (this was changed at the child's request for various reasons but they were much older). I think it is much better that it's happening to your son at such a young age and I wish our split had happened at that age. You need to remain as amicable as possible because you need to interact with this man for decades.

I know it is a very emotional time and very overwhelming. Your life hasn't turned out how you planned. I had panic attacks and got medication to help with this. Look after yourself as much as you can. Try to go out with friends at weekends or join the gym and do that on a Friday and Saturday night so you aren't sitting at home with your husband. Mentally you need to make the split. Arrange some counselling for yourself. You may be able to get that through your job (sorry I haven't read all the posts so am not sure what you do).

Time cohabiting directly prior to marriage is also taken into consideration for the length of the "marriage" may not be relevant here but it's something to be aware of.

Getting divorced is also one of the most stressful things you can do in life. You need to be kind to yourself as it's going to take a toll on you mentally.

It isn't ideal to be taking on an unfamiliar new job/colleagues/workplace, with all the resulting training and finding your feet that you'll be doing, at the same time as:

Adjusting to moving from part time to full time hours and having to completely alter your routine.

Becoming a single parent, which you might feel you already are, but even a useless DH is physically there in the home with a sleeping DC while you pop to the shop etc. Once you've got DC totally on your own life is so much harder to get things done.

Dealing with the emotional fallout of the divorce, you're probably numb at the moment and you haven't yet discovered the almost inevitable presence of the OW waiting in the wings. At some point you're likely to have a lot of difficult feelings kick in and you'll need time and space to process them which is difficult to find when you're single parent to a young DC.

Missing DC when he's not with you and having to accept your ex's ways of doing things with DC when he has him, can take an emotional toll too. Co-parenting can be really stressful.

Dealing with the practicalities of divorce, which may get nasty. He's only Mr Trying To Appear To Be Reasonable now because he thinks you'll cave and do what he wants. When he realises that divorcing you loses him your loyalty and compliance, he won't be happy and an unhappy man doesn't generally look at all reasonable, they generally look like sulking or tantruming toddlers.

IMO new job is added stress you just don't need right now, if it can be avoided.
When DC goes to school having to juggle full time hours with school pick ups, inset days, DC sickness, etc it's not easy unless you're earning enough for paid help. It's the kind of new challenge to take on when the dust has settled from everything else, you can see what your new circumstances are and look to improve them if you're unhappy. You'll also be in a better decision to decide what direction to go in instead of scrabbling around in a panic and possibly getting stuck in a situation that doesn't work for you and a job that causes you endless stress in itself. If you hate your current employer and they're toxic perhaps this is less of an issue, but if you're happy where you are now don't be in a hurry to give it up.

Don't worry about what STBXH wants just do whatever is best for you and DC. Money isn't everything, once you've got the basics the biggest issue is rent/home repairs if owning, so adjusting to being skint is possibly going to be a big change for you to get used to (depending on your earnings capacity). Being skint and topped up by UC isn't necessarily all that different to working more hours and not being topped up by UC, but having a bigger struggle to fit everything in. There's also housing costs element of UC if you're renting, that you don't get if you own. Working more isn't necessarily going to buy you a better standard of living, it depends on your earnings potential whether it does or not.

So don't bust a gut chasing a dream that someone else has laid out for you. Take stock of your own life in your own time and make your own decisions to suit you. If STBXH has an issue with you renting, working PT and being on benefits then perhaps he shouldn't be divorcing you! If he looks bad to his peers, or feels guilty, or is snobbishly ashamed for DC etc, because you look broke, that's not something for you to GAF about.

@starsandladybirds this guide might be helpful and save discussion time with a lawyer. I found it helpful to compile a list of questions so you don't waste time in your meeting - www.gov.uk/get-a-divorce

You have to pay whoever files as you'll both need a solicitor. You'll also have to collate your own financial papers. If you file, you control the pace to a degree.

You will be expected to provide for yourself and half your child’s costs.

Not strictly true. She'll pay for the DC costs while DC is with her. She doesn't have to pay for any of DC costs incurred whilst with STBXH which will inevitably be more because he's a higher earner. She doesn't have to agree to hobbies etc that STBXH wants for DC but she can't afford. I'm only pointing this out in case he's one of those types who tries telling OP DC has to have XYZ and wanting her to pay towards it, she needs to know she doesn't have to go along with that.

Well yes,,it’s fifty fifty he’s going for , clearly she doesn’t need to pay for anything on his time.

This sounds like you have access to money but he's watching what you spend. If so, two things

1. buy items in order of priority in case you get cut off sooner than you think and
2. buy your hoover, radiator, bedding, mobile phone etc from the supermarket so it just shows up as part of the shopping bill and not as a separate "stuff for my new home" cost from a separate shop.

Also get some cashback at the till to put into your own savings fund, once you've left there's bound to be things you'd forgotten and £30 on this or that here and there soon adds up and is very noticeable when you're broke.

Like the Christmas paper etc mentioned by another poster, in £100k/pa it's nothing, but if you've only got £50 spare for the month every month, it's a cost you don't need.

But I don't put it past him to try telling her she does have to. He's so obviously out for what he wants. I can imagine him eg signing DC up for clubs that fall in OPs time and expecting her to take DC and pay for it etc. Or telling her DC "needs" fancy computer for schoolwork so she has to buy one for when DC is at hers, or asking her to chip in for big expensive holiday that she isn't going to be going on, stuff like that. She seems a bit passive and shell shocked. It's obvious to us what she does/doesn't have to pay but I didn't know if it would be obvious to her without someone pointing it out, that's all.

I think maybe you’re posting like you know this man.

Honestly op. Courts tend to award 50 50 as a starting point these days unless there is a compelling reason not to.
I also hate to say it but the courts will be expecting you to work full time so it might be no harm to start looking at options. I think after such a short marriage 50.50 of the equity is probably the best you can hope for so I'd maybe plan around that z

The idea of a short marriage for divorce (less than 5 years including cohabitation beforehand) is that there are no children, and that each party leaves with approx what they brought.

There is a child in this marriage so the “easy” short divorce rules don’t apply, I believe.

Thanks all for replies, I am following. I am going to update my CV this weekend. I spent £25 on a winter coat for DS today out of main acc and H just came home and told me it should be out of the shopping fund so he is definitely watching all I spend! He didn't used to be a high earner, he doubled our salary getting lucky in a small, private firm job whilst I was pregnant. But, not sure he'd be able to get the same salary if he moved jobs now as it isn't industry rate so he may be stuck where he is for a while.

@BriannasBananaBread thanks so much, amazing advice