Husband pressing me to earn more

[starsandladybirds]

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

He's setting you up so he can give you less. Not that it is for him to give you. It is what you are legally entitled to and he needs a sharp shock.

Get a solicitor. Stop listening to him. He is not on your team. He doesn't want what is best for you. He wants what is best for him. Not you, not his child. Him.

I know it's hard but you need to try and be strong. He sounds like he is out for himself and as hard as it if you need to protect your future - do not go full time because he says so, he is doing it for his gain. Look after yourself - hope all works out for you x

You need to look at the options and what you want. And you need to do that as a single person. He has his own plan for the future and his salary is probably sufficient to give him what he wants.

Your salary isn’t your income. You need to factor in entitlement to benefits you won’t have received before. As a single mother your income with benefits would probably render spousal support pointless. Benefits are means tested for spousal support but not child support.

If you can give your child the life you want on your PT job, benefits and your share of the equity then that is an option. Your other options are to go full time or get a new job. That might involve child care costs for you. At the end of the day it’s just maths and a choice you have to make for you. It won’t get easier or less painful if you are angry.

And I’m not going to lie, my advice to you would be to at least go FT or to get a better job. That way you set up your future and become independent. I would want my ex to be as financially stable as possible for the sake of my children. Most people I know wanted their ex’s to be stable co parents. It’s not an awful thing for him to say. Just a patronising suggestion.

Of course you are hurt and frightened for the future. But getting isn’t going to help. You need to run the numbers.

In relation to your actual question. Does it matter if you change job whilst buying a home. Yes it can, depending on your circumstances. If you end up in a probationary period or your situation is very tight, lenders can get skittish. There is something of a risk. If you don’t need to take that risk don’t. But the figures will tell you whether or not you need to. As will you own appetite for risk and career advancement.

The only way to challenge whether he will really do 50:50 is to force the issue. You could move out with dc, rent, claim UC to top up wage and then see if he does 50:50. You can get UC for a period while a house is sold during divorce. Technically you are still liable for mortgage but he won’t want his credit rating affected and presumably can afford the mortgage on his wage. be very clear 50:50 is pick up from nursery or school and drop off next morning. Not 7pm-7am as mentioned above. Not you stepping in when child is sick on his day or nursery shuts for snow or he has an important meeting. Put your situation through a benefits calculator and if you could manage to rent for 6-12 months. Do the CM calculator on various scenarios. I personally wouldn’t go FT immediately I would take the time and space to adjust for you and dc, there is plenty of time to go FT the court process is slow and your child is young and after nursery fees you may not be that much better off. If he can show your mortgage capacity is higher he can argue your need for housing is lower. On a £100k job unless he can work from home or has family or other support I would call his bluff and make him do 50:50 for 6-12 months while the court process goes through. If he ends up doing less than 50:50 you may be able to manage on income+CM. It’s much easier to work FT at nursery age. It’s really hard at school age as a single parent unless you have a very flexible job or family help.

I’m currently going through a divorce with a charmer like your ex.
i work PT and have done for 11 years to facilitate ex DH’s job. I’ve enabled his role and promotions by doing 80%+ of the childcare and I’ve used my leave to cover school holidays for years.
Ex’s solicitor threw this out to him to tell me I could go back full time and also he said he wanted 50/50 custody.
After having a complete melt down, I offered him 50/50 knowing full well there was no way he could ever manage it! He knocked it back.
My solicitor also laughed at his solicitor saying I could work FT again or find another FT job.

It’s all games they play.

I’m still part time, I have my child most of the time (ex has him or his mum comes to help me when I’m work ) and I get CMS.
I'm also entitled to 50/50 of the marital assets including half of his lovely fat pension 😎

Don’t listen to him.
Get a solicitor and harden up. He sounds like a bullying 🔔 🔚 exactly like my ex has tried to be.

The massive difference is that you have done this for 11 years, and presumably have been married/together longer than that. Your position was infinitely stronger than OP’s with such a young child and short marriage.

If he is a high earner he can afford child care. A judge wont peanlise a parent for working. Lots pf mothers earning 6 f8gures.

Even with 50:50 care you can claim for CMS and if he is a higher earn he may have to give you CMS and pay for his own childcare. It may all be about money.

If you are a low earner you be awarded more equity in the split etc.

And in no way does keeping a house clean mean on divorce your husband or wife is in your debt. If performance was facilltated they would have to work in similar feilds you dont assisst your neurosurgon wife in her feild by keeping house. You are responsible for planning your finacial future not ypur partner, weather ypu work or not.

If he wants 50:50 make sure that is half of the work days and not weighted towards weekends and holidays. That means he does drop offs and pickups. He pays for child care. Eventually he will be buying school uniform and presents for parties. He covers sick days.

This is essential for your ability to earn.

going back full time now would help establish the precedent that he has to do his real fair share of the parenting if he wants an even custody split.

How much will the house sell for? How much will you have left over? What’s the pension value?

personally I’d hang fire and stick with 3 days.

Just how we manage it, with ease. Being a high earner dosent make you incapable of child care. Really OP if you are going to court do not repeat this stuff. Focus on facts get out what you put in and get cms. Dont be builled or make any ANY concessions to make his life easier. 50/50 means just that.

This man is not your friend. Everything he does is in his interest only.

A lot of men at the start off a divorce asking for 50/50 because they’ve realised if they have the child more than 52 nights a year payments are reduced and if they have 50/50 they don’t pay anything at all.

If you go full time it will reduce your capacity to be the primary carer and your increased wage will mean he gets to keep more of the joint assets. Stay in your part time job.

Also stay in the house. Don’t let him bully you out (sounds like that’ll be the next thing he tries).

If you haven’t already open your own bank account and take half from the shared account. Half is the starting point for any split. With you being primary cater and earning less than him the split could be 60/40 or 70/30 as you need to house the DC.

Stop washing and cooking for him too. I remember with satisfaction hearing my ex bitch about me to his friend that I’d had the gall to stop doing his washing and cooking - we both worked full time in my case. Dickhead.

You’re going to need a shit hot lawyer to help you navigate this wanker and his bullshit. Mine let me pay a bit a month towards a “fighting fund” and gave me time once divorce was complete to pay the balance.

My ex’s offer would have meant me and the kids homeless with £20k. My shit hot lawyer got me the house, 8k and maintenance until the DC finish full time education (so he still pays if kids end up doing a degree, hell even a PhD!). The split I got was actually 55/45 in my favour. My ex “forgot” about his trust fund and massive pension when suggesting we carve up the assets.

Take care, it’s a tough time and you need support to navigate your way but you’ll come through it. Don’t agree to anything just say I’ll speak to my solicitor.

He probably has another woman in the wings and he will be able to afford a nanny on his salary. It's unlikely he won't be awarded 50:50 as tends to be the default.

You need to focus on you, of course you don't have to do what he says, he wants you to work full time and be earning more so it's considered when the settlement is agreed and you get less. He shouldn't have got married or had a child if he was worried about his assets; I have far more than DH in my pension etc and I'll never marry- but he has and he can't and shouldn't escape his financial responsibility to you.

Definitely don't change jobs. I would say his motivation for you working more is financial. It may impact on how the split of assets looks given that he has benefited from your career sacrifice. Also custody arrangements.

Id push forward now. Don't let him take the lead.

I don't think you should agree to 50/50. You won't get maintenance. Absolutely no way I would say.

Thank you for all the replies. It seems the overwhelming feeling is to not change anything yet and I think this is what I'm going to do. I want to keep a stable routine for DS for as long as possible.

@Frazzled54 why can’t you go back full time? Appreciate you’ve not done so for 11 years but if you’re working part time you could go full time somewhere, and doing so isn’t really an unfair expectation

of course assets split should reflect lower earnings/higher needs

I am going to ask him to be the one to file. He wants this, I don't, he can be the one to do it.

Sorry to sound green but when you say to get all the info on his finances what exactly should I be getting hold of? Details of his pension, salary, what else?

Yes this

Thank you. This is a good point.

I know. He's said a lot of hurtful things to me in this process. I'm still in denial stage I feel and need to work through it and find my anger as other posters have advised.

people on here berating things I say but then proceed to say op must get angry ( serves no one positively), shouldn’t try to negotiate ( will run up huge costs if don’t ) that op ex only wants 50:50 to not pay maintenance ( while telling op not to agree as she wouldn’t get maintenance), that it’s not possible to work full time while being a parent - which quite frankly is ludicrous as so many people do both male and female. ( single parents as well)

so many people setting op up for unrealistic expectations ( she is unlikely to get spousal long time t if at all) she won’t get to keep the house till child 18 with ex paying !, her settlement will consider what she can earn not what she does now

anyway, carry on, no skin off my nose

He sometimes works long hours so I think he would need to put DS in extra care outside of normal hours. When he's in meetings he's unreachable and I wouldn't say his job is that flexible. He could wfh sometimes but not regularly. His work is primarily office based so he would need to pay someone to look after DS if he couldn't.