Husband pressing me to earn more

[starsandladybirds]

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

"Why are people still insisting on not only providing legal advice on this thread but debating the merits of it? No legal professional would ever be able to advise based on the information provided."

I agree. IMHO, in any divorce where both parties are not completely amicable or trustworthy (and it's extremely rare when both are) the party with the most to lose absolutely needs to be guided by a good solicitor. They are the one's best placed to determine the best course of action.

OP needs to beg, borrow, or steal the money for a solicitor and listen to them.

I agree it's best to use a solicitor but not for the reason you suggest. The vast majority of divorces are done "amicably" and dealing with a difficult party whilst common is not the norm. The reason to use a solicitor is to make sure it's done right and there aren't any unwanted surprises down the line.

It must be lovely to not have to go through pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and just get your children given to you at the end of it .

So that you can just enjoy yourself 😀

Her words, not mine.

"Seeing as we're done with two kids, I think I'll stay part-time. I enjoy being at home with DS2."

What a bully he is. You have lots of options. He married and had a child with you so cannot shirk his responsibility.

If you get half the equity in the home (which you should) you could either get a mortgage on a small place, or you could use that chunk to buy a share in a shared ownership property outright , then if you are entitled to universal credit they will pay or contribute towards the rent portion of it.

If you're part time why is your 2 year old going to go 50/50? Why does it make sense for dad to have him and stick him in nursery on a day that you could be looking after him? Unless your stb ex is already very hands on doing bath and bed time and able to sooth your son I wouldn't agree to this.

You want someone back who says he no longer loves you or finds you attractive?! Oh op. Please talk to a counsellor your self esteem has gone so so low. Please also read Matthew hussey 'love life' book

Yes exactly. I was talking to a man recently who's stb ex wife is insisting on doing everything though court that he is paying for (as she does not work at all) and he has to

My friend is a single mum earning way more than this and she manages (with a nanny). He probably will have the new gf or his mum or a nanny lined up.

I've also had this moment recently and it's great!!

"Unless your stb ex is already very hands on doing bath and bed time and able to sooth your son I wouldn't agree to this."

You don't have to agree to it. The court will agree to it because there's no valid reason for him not to have 50:50.

Why as a man are u so invested in this????? You seem to have some kind of problem with women being at home with kids!! You come across as creepy and angry. Another thread , another man telling women off.

I think your use of four question marks and two exclamation marks makes to appear unhinged - especially when coupled with your aggressive and insulting reply.

Oh well. 🤷‍♀️

Unhinged no, creeped out by blokes berating women. Yes

It's a difficult situation. Their decision to divorce is a big change, and it's understandable that there are a lot of emotions involved. It's important to remember that both parents should prioritize the well-being of the children and work towards a fair care arrangement. If someone has chosen to be a stay-at-home parent with the understanding that they would also be supported as a spouse, it's crucial to consider the financial arrangements post-divorce. It's a good idea to have open and honest conversations about financial matters and to explore new opportunities or partnerships to maintain a certain standard of living. It's important to be financially savvy and to have discussions about things like pensions and savings. It's a tough situation, and it's important to approach it with empathy and understanding for everyone involved. But it was not his responsibility to make sure she was finacially literate. 50/50 is good for parents willing to do it properly. Nothing about the posters points are creepy, your weird mate proper weird.

No, not exactly. OP would need a court order and it is not how the vast majority of people going through a contested settlement fund their legal fees. The man in your anecdote would need an awful lot of money to be able to fund legal fees in this way.

Money ceases to be joint on separation, not divorce, but it is a grey area 1) because the higher earner would be frowned upon if they left the lower earner destitute and 2) because the assets are accrued and split at the date of the consent or court order, not the point of separation. However, advice given to the OP to buy all kinds of things in preparation for the split is terrible advice. A judge will not look kindly upon someone who suddenly has a flood of irregular outgoings just before a divorce case. The exDH will be expected to provide sufficient for the OP to live pending the final settlement and no more than that.

In the case of @arethereanyleftatall it probably never happened. In another thread, she talks about her amicable divorce and how they both agreed spousal maintenance was fair. Here, she talks about it being acrimonious. I would take what she says with a pinch of salt.

My perception is the other way around. You really seem to have a problem with him simply for having a different opinion to you.

According to the welfare checklist, the parents ability to comfort and soothe the child when they're distressed is part of what is considered

There is absolutely no evidence that the STBEXH cannot soothe his child, and OP has said nothing of the sort.