Husband pressing me to earn more

[starsandladybirds]

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

You don't have to do bugger all he says OP. Don't let yourself to be bullied. Speak to a solicitor (a different one) and find out the score as you are now.

How is mr big earner going to cope with 50/50 with a 2 yr old? You need to find your angry with this specimen. He's taking the piss. I guarantee he doesn't want 50/50, he just doesn't want to pay you anything.

You'll probably need to go to court so he gets his arse handed to him tbh. Cheeky fucker. He's banking on you doing as you're told.

You do know that hes no longer got any say in anything you do don't you? Just smile, and carry on with your PT job if that’s suits your current needs. Oh, and file for divorce yourself. Don’t let him control the narrative.

Thank you for your replies. I am planning on speaking to another solicitor and seeing if I can get some free initial consultations (I paid £100 for the last one). I think he does want 50:50 as he genuinely loves DS but it's like the last few years and all I've done for our family and to support him as he's moved up the career ladder at a cost to myself have meant nothing to him. Despite his apparent concern for me I can't help feel that he's only looking out for himself now and trying to manipulate me to get a better outcome for himself.

Do not change your job. I agree with pp that you don't follow orders from your soon to be ex DH - who does NOT have your best interests at heart.

You need your own solicitor, and would be best to file for divorce asap as DS is so little. It will be better for him, and you are likely to be awarded more of a financial share as your earnings will be impacted by caring for a 2 yo. I agree that it is unlikely that your Ex should get 50/50 when you are clearly the main care provider. You don't have to wait for him or have his agreement - just go file for divorce.

Become a tiger and find your anger - go for every penny you can from ex, including his pension. He has a big important job because you have supported this by doing PT and the childcare (and I bet, most of the housework) to allow him to progress his career.

I wish I could do this. I'm still in denial somewhat and hoping he will change his mind. But he says he no longer loves me or finds me attractive, and that was months ago so I need to find a way to come to terms with this.

Thank you I do need to find my anger. I've spent times over the past few months pleading and trying to reason I'm ashamed to say, I feel so broken. DS will be 3 start of next year and plan before was always that I would up my hours/change jobs when we got more free childcare hours. But so far I have been primary carer and done most of the housework, cooking etc. yes. I still am doing that.

Could he be waiting for me to take on more hours when DS turns 3 so he can argue I'm no longer the main care provider and therefore have more grounds to demand a 50:50 split?

Entirely possible..
You can't trust him to have anyone but his own interests at heart here.
You earning more is entirely in his favour at this point in time.

Yes, this is very likely. As other posters have said, he is not your friend, and does not have your best interests at heart. It's tough, no doubt about it, but start making your own decisions - don't let him control the narrative or the outcome. I know it's hard - you have all our sympathy - but the tough talking posters are so, so right.

How is is he going to manage 50/50 in a couple of years when it involves school drop off/ pick ups, school sick days/ all the school holidays.... How will this fit with his job? Will he actually be able or willing to do 50/50?

Can’t see how earning more will put you in a financially disadvantageous position for your divorce. He’ll presumably still be by far the higher earner and it’s 50:50 anyway isn’t it?

Don’t earn more because he wants you to, do it because you and your son will need the money.

I agree with filing for divorce now. You need to take control; he’s not coming back to you.

It's important to point out that the 30 hours childcare is not free - it's term time only and equates to about 22 hours per week all year round.. howis he proposing 50/50. True 50/50 care means overnights and drop offs. What about school holidays too? How does he plan to fscilate this? He definitely wants you to increase hours so he can pay less which is fine as long as he has 50/50 properly!

Sounds very much like he wants 50/50 in order not to pay child support. Also, wants you to work full time as you then can't claim to be the primary carer. You are separated (the fact that you still live in the same house is neither here nor there). He cannot dictate to you how the divorce should go - the only say he has is in relation to your co-parenting where you have equal say at the moment.

Don't argue with him, just grey rock him or give a non-committal "hmm I will ask my solicitor for advice on that" to anything divorce related. Don't get into drawn out conversations. It won't serve you and only cause you more stress.

Your solicitor is your source of advice from now on. He is not your ally anymore and is looking out for himself regardless of what he says.

Contrary to PP advice, push him to file. It will mean he's responsible for collating and submitting all the court documents etc. otherwise you'll need to pay a solicitor if you file.

Agree with the other comments that you need legal advice as he is only looking at his own best interests here.

Also just because he has 50/50 custody it doesn’t mean that you won’t be entitled to some maintenance if there is a big disparity in earnings (which it sounds like there is).

I don't know about the other stuff but stop cooking for him and make sure you aren't doing his laundry either.

'wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more. '

Oh op, how did you not laugh in his face?!? Of course this isnt to help you out in any way shape or form. It's to help him out so that he can attempt to get away with splitting the assets 50/50.

The best thing you can do I think is understand he's mean and nasty, and everything he says is a deliberate attempt to have you walking away with less.

You need to not say a word to him. See a solicitor. Get all the info you can on his finances.

In similar financial circs, I got awarded spousal maintenance a few years ago. It was all down to 'needs'. What did we both 'need' to house our dc. I needed more than him because my salary was the far lower.
However, we weren't going 50/50 so at the time I was already working all the hours I possibly could with 100 % of the mon-fro 9-5 working hours childcare, which was kept.
I think with 50/50 you will have a chance to increase your earnings I guess as he'll be doing more of the childcare; but just be careful, see a solicitor.

I agree that he likely doesn’t have your best interests at heart but actually the advice to up your hours & therefore your income isn’t at all a bad suggestion. It will put you in a much better position to find a rental/get a mortgage on a property, it doesn’t matter how long you have been at the job for mortgage purposes as long as you have a contract and it is a permanent job.

I know others have commented that you could argue you’ve enabled him to progress his career etc by doing childcare but with such a young child and a relatively short marriage you’re not going to have the strongest of arguments there that he has the salary and job he does because of you going part time so bare that in mind.

Harsh as it sounds he does not sound like he is going to change his mind. He probably has some other woman already lined up. You need to protect yourself and you can start by politely distancing yourself and ignoring him. No more pleading with him. Let him wonder what is going on. Start divorce proceedings sooner rather than later - before you get the free childcare. Don't increase your hours for the moment. Concentrate on getting yourself well. Tough if he doesn't like it. Don't let him bully you.

Op. You talk about wanting him to change his mind. What he is doing at the moment is not something a good kind man does. You should not want him to change his mind. He is showing you his true colours and they're horrible.

Undoubtedly.

No real advice here but just wanted to say sorry to hear you’re going through this. There will be better things and a brighter future ahead for you x

Well you are getting divorced.
HE wants to get divorced.

That means you can do whatever you want. And he has no place pressuring you (or telling you) to do X or Y.

Just do what’s good for you.

Btw re the 50/50, Id assume gos reasons are to avoid paying CM.
You don’t have to agree to 50/50 unless you feel it’s the right decision for your child. Don’t let him direct everything agd take decision as if he was still the boss. He isn’t anymore. You need to start doing what works for YOU. Not what he is asking for you to do.

He sounds like a right charmer.
But sadly you will not be able to support yourself on a part time wage in a house with no other income.