Husband pressing me to earn more

[starsandladybirds]

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

I agree with Sunlounger25. If you are the applicant, you will bear far more of the cost, even more so if settlement ends up through court and your solicitor ends up preparing bundles for multiple hearings. Gather all the financial info you can. But I would position it by telling him he needs to get on with it and apply as it's for the best for DS that things be sorted asap. So sorry you are going through this but your best life is yet to come x

Unless i read this wrong op has said she was in a 4 year marriage 5 year realtionship. Its a short marriage. Do npt listen to people on here saying you will get 50/50 ot simply does not work like that if its short relationship.please please see a solicitor and yes he is right getting working asap.

Find your anger, he's not your friend, he's not acting in your best interest, he's your enemy, start treating him as such.
No more cooking, cleaning, washing for him.
You look after yourself and ds.
He will screw you over given half a chance.
See another solicitor asap, start divorce proceedings, stay in your job, let it play out, when it's all over and the dust is settled, you do what's best for you. ❤️

Thanks so much for all the replies and support, I am reading them but I'm out at the moment and will try to reply to as many as possible later. I'm so glad I posted though, I feel less alone already.

A court will expect you to work full time and maximise your income in the settlement so he isn't unreasonable

There’s a significant chance you wouldn’t get 50/50 of things like pensions etc. it’s been a very short marriage in the grand scheme of things and your child is only 2 so you haven’t really facilitated his career.

You will not get less maintenance from working more so it’s in your best interests to prepare for how you to prepare your finances and figure out how you will provide for you and your son.

When was your home purchased? Is there even much equity in it if you are on the younger side?

@arethereanyleftatall myself and most of my colleagues manage perfectly fine

often higher paying /more senior jobs come with more autonomy and flexibility

of course that depends on industry and type of job. But op will be expected to work time ( at least in a few years) and is very unlikely to get spousal maintenance for anything more than a short period if at all.

It’s not fair to say he only wants 50:50 to avoid maintenance. There are many men in rl who will take equal care. Of course there are those they don’t, but we don’t know

tje advice to get angry is misguided. It won’t solve anything and op and her ex have a child to go parent for several decades. Anger is not helpful

op should be sitting down with ex if possible to discuss finances and arrangements, of course being guided by law and a solicitor but anger rarely improves an outcome and can draw out duration and costs

Absolutely this. Take control and do not agree to 50:50 shared care or anything else - I assume he’s not planning on reducing his hours to do childcare, is he? So he thinks you should go back to work FT so that he can put your DC into FT nursery on his custody days. And the more you are earning the weaker any claim for spousal support will be and the smaller your share of the house proceeds. If were you to have Full Custody you’d likely get to keep the house or a larger chunk of the proceeds as your child would reside with you. The 50 50 is usually about reducing his share of the financial settlement as your home will no longer be DCs main residence and avoiding a monthly payment.

Fight this tooth and nail, OP

@CautiousLurker And the more you are earning the weaker any claim for spousal support will be and the smaller your share of the house proceeds.

Spousal support is entirely unlikely to be granted for a 4 year marriage where OP’s earnings are lower because she chooses to work PT. It’s nothing like a 40 year marriage where the woman has been out of the workforce most of her life and would struggle to gain employment.

What about - Child allowed to live in family home until 18 years old - with main care giver usually the mother? No one has mentioned this. Father has to still pay mortgage till then - ??

doesn’t sound like spousal maintenance territory to me ( maybe for a year while you seek ft employment)

assets and pensions possibly not large if both parties are young ( early 30s?)?

its a short marriage, child is v young, op hasn’t sacrificed a career for long period of time…,

unlikeky to get a mesher order

50:50 care likely to be awarded if ex can demonstrate manageable

Exactly this.

There’s a lot of people on here advising that OP is entitled to 50% and that he has this career because of her working part time etc and that is simply not true. After 25 years yes, after 4 years and with a very young child, no.

@Maurepas no right to that at all !
highly unlikely in this case and op would be expected to pay mortgage and bills in any event, courts not likely to awarded mesher for 16 years ….

Yea.. he's a bully OP.

Find your inner warrior!

'husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.'

' We are still living together as neither can afford to move out '

bollocks ! read the first line again !!!

get the house on the market, get the divorce started if it is not already.

do not go full time until you want / are ready

it is not his problem if you do claim benefit assistance or rent for a while

it is all about him !!!

find your anger and use it productively

50/50 really - how will that work ?
i.e. Sunday 7 pm to Sunday 7 pm

really ???

This is also unlikely as the child is 2 years old. Typically this would happen if the kids were older and more established in school and the local area. Theres no real benefit to the family home for a baby so young.

If he's as nice as you say he is, he's not going to want his child to live in a shithole 50% of the time. So as a high earner it's in his interests to make sure you still have a nice home. Don't be bullied or threatened into thinking it's all on you just because he's trying to make it out that way.

@starsandladybirds

All I can say is that my cousin was advised by her very SHL to NOT change anything about her employment. Not to increase hours and not to decrease hours, until the financials were signed, sealed, & delivered.

It got financially tough for her for a bit, but it was worth it in the end.

'myself and most of my colleagues manage perfectly fine'

No one cares @millymollymoomoo

The point of the queries is to ask the OP how HER STBEH will manage the 50/50.

Not how you and your colleagues manage it.

There is a lot of evidence to suggest 50/50 care is not in the best interests of such a young child. It can cause psychological issues, they need that strong bond with the primary caregiver in the early years. The diary of you providing the majority of the care (appointments, activities, night and morning waking's, meals etc) would be helpful. As well of course as the very tangible fact you work part time to facilitate your childs care. That will be why he wants that changed, nothing to do with you or your childs wellbeing, just his own. My advice would be keep things exactly as they are. Let him file and push the divorce through, refuse the 50/50 on the basis you do not think it is in your young sons best interests (always centre the child). If he wants to fight you on residency it will go to magistrates court so you can self represent. As primary carer you can claim UC wage top ups and he will have to pay maintenance and that will hopefully buy you some time to recover from this shock and re-establish yourself in the workplace eventually, maybe even retrain in something that will provide a better income in the future.

When my DP went to court the judge told his then wife that she was consciously depriving herself by working part time, minimum wage. She was told that she had a responsibility to maximise her earnings just as he was and the settlement reflected that.

Divorce can take years. I'd focus on creating my own financial future rather than stall in the hope to get a little more.

@starsandladybirds
It sounds like you might benefit from something like counselling or therapy for this. Have you considered this? If you’re interested I’d recommend getting yourself on the NHS waiting list as soon as you can, because waiting lists can be very long. They can vary quite a bit from area to area, so I couldn’t say anything about your area, but as an example I know people in a certain area have to wait about 10 months to begin counselling on the NHS.
Alternatively, there is private counselling, but of course that may not be financially feasible for you. If you did want private counselling, I’d recommend looking into the charity Mind, because I believe they can offer low-cost private counselling for about £30 per session.

I also echo other posters saying your nearly ex-DH is not your friend and he is advising you to work full time because it benefits him and not because it’s in your best interests!

tje advice to get angry is misguided. It won’t solve anything and op and her ex have a child to go parent for several decades. Anger is not helpful

Anger is very helpful actually. To the OP.

He's ripped the rug out from under her feet basically.

Anger at the situation OP, not at him. That will just give him more fuel for the fire.

I agree, there's a woman waiting in the wings. Men don't leave a family home to go and live in a bedsit basically.

op should be sitting down with ex if possible to discuss finances and arrangements, of course being guided by law and a solicitor but anger rarely improves an outcome and can draw out duration and costs

I think it’s an extremely bad idea to do that with some ex who says ‘he has had advice from a lawyer and it’s best if she ups her hours NOW’ when clearly the only person it will help is him.

Anger is often what helps you and take action and the OP should do that asap.
Her ex has taken advice from (a very good Im sure) lawyer. She hasn’t.
He is telling her 50/50, she has just agreed with no fight - aka wo even having HER view about it taken into account. Why should it all go as HE wants - which is wha5 is happening now.

So @starsandladybirds should find her anger. So she can stand up to him and doesn’t loose everything, incl what is fairly hers.

Being angry though doesn’t mean being angry when they talk. It means finding her own fire, her own determination to get what is rightly hers. Not more, not get at him.
You can still be polite, kind and respectful and also be ready to fight for what is tight.

And re the 50/50, well maybe it’s because he is really keen.
Up to him to prove that when he has been relying on the OP until now.
There is no reason why the OP should simply,y take to his word ahd be,ieve every thing he says. Not when he has already proven he’ll twist things to his benefit.

^op and her ex have a child to go parent for several decades.^

You have no idea if he will be around to parent "for several decades".

He'll be well onto his new life by then and there's millions of dead-beat dads around.

Life is not a fairy tale and the more women who realise this the better off they will be (on their own).

I have the diploma lol.