Husband pressing me to earn more

[starsandladybirds]

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

Sounds like he’s trying to get out of having to pay any spousal maintenance which is different to child maintenance

Don’t let him pressure you. He is trying to reduce his financial obligation to you. Get a new lawyer who is prepared to fight for your interests. I’d be concerned how he’ll manage 50/50 custody with a high flying career - if you don’t feel it’s in the best interests of your child you can challenge that. I suspect he’s requested it to avoid child maintenance. Good luck

I’d be concerned how he’ll manage 50/50 custody with a high flying career -

Do posters think that mothers who earn £100k release their children into the woods in the morning and hope for the best that they will be there after work?

He can also reduce his hours and still earn a good salary while having more time for his child.

Yes, good point

Too many men think 50/50 will get them out of CM but still expect their EX to pick up the slack. Don't agree to any split that gives him every weekend and make it clear on his days he's responsible for everything_ Drs, school pick ups/ drop offs, paying for any childcare. He's nice now but that will change when you divorce, don't listen to him, listen to your Solicitor

Fundamentally, two households now need to exist where there was one before. The DH could be the nicest guy in the world (I get that he isn’t) but that doesn’t circumvent the fact that two households will cost the two adults involved more than one did. So maximising income and minimising costs for both adults is going to have to happen and will be somewhat painful.

If he says this then 100 percent he has another partner on the go and has for some time..men like this jump when they have another person to put in the 'mother role'. This is why he wants 50/50 he's got someone to do the step mother role. I bet you anything! Or he plans to rope in his parents if still around whilst he has the next baby with the new partner. Mr big bollocks salary will not have time to do pick ups etc without affecting his lifestyle. He's not going to do it all himself. Like fuck does he get to tell you what you should and shouldn't do?! Tell him you don't find his financial advice very attractive right now. Or better yet pretend to play along, hire a shit hot lawyer and hit the fucker in the wallet. After all he has blindsided you, your turn to do it to him. He is relying on you being the meek, daft little women with no financial sense he can push and bully around. Show him who is the real boss..when his new sexy life falls apart he will be back begging and crying and you will have the last laugh kicking him to the kerb.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Who is he to call all the shots! Go get yourself some good legal advice and please find your anger! Good luck and stay strong and fierce!!💐

Don’t reveal your hand to him. Go get the advice and do your planning but don’t give him the lowdown on it.

No but it takes sacrifices, willing to bet this man has not had to make any sacrifices to date as his wife has done all that for him, which he has taken for granted will continue whilst he makes off with a new life and new model.

Have a look on the universal credit calculator. You might be entitled to something which will boost your income without increasing your hours or changing role. It may include some housing benefit too. I personally wouldn't change anything to do with your job at this point until you have come to terms with this big change in circumstances.

Well @Namechangey23 if the STBEXH has to make sacrifices by - say - paying for a nanny on his days or cutting his hours, then that rather goes against posters insisting he has plenty of money for two households etc.

Even if he has met someone else, there is no evidence that she doesn’t work full time, have her own career aspirations etc - she may not have time for childcare.

Show him who is the real boss..when his new sexy life falls apart he will be back begging and crying and you will have the last laugh kicking him to the kerb.

It doesn’t work like this.

I too wonder how he will manage pick ups etc with his work schedule.

My ex proposed we do 50/50 but on his week me/my parents would pick up the kids from his place and look after them/take them to school. Then pick them up and look after them until he finished work 🙄 As well as me having them 100% when he went away with work or on holidays and of course take care of all of their appointments. Um, no.

what sacrifices? I never understand the claim that the mother reducing hours/giving up work facilitates a high flying career for her partner.
Most parents I know both work full time and alternate pick ups/drop offs. Nannies are available for high earners who need longer child care hours.

He’s not going to change his mind. So stop wasting time thinking of scenarios that will never happen. You’re already alone and you need to accept that reality.

At the risk of sounding cynical, the 50:50 would suit him financially but you’d probably end up doing 75% of it in time.

It would be insidious, not obvious - “I’m away next week, can you have him?”…. “I’ll drop him back at 9am on Sunday rather than 6pm if that’s ok”.

Especially if a new woman comes out of the woodwork (statistically likely) and isn’t happy being a stepmum at weekends and in the evenings. She will be used to dinners, lunches and hotel nights as a pair, remember. She may not be enamoured with a child in the mix. In fairness she may be brilliant (my kids’ stepmum was) but assume the worst when you negotiate.

The problem is, you could be strict and robust about the 50:50 but then your child is spending time somewhere where he isn’t really wanted, regarded as a bit of a nuisance. You won’t be happy with that so you’ll have him with you for longer. Therefore you’ll end up with 75% of the childcare responsibility but a smaller financial pot.

For this reason I would engage a tough lawyer and go for a decent settlement. I would also be using the joint account to pay for the odd thing for your new home and lock the items away as a pp suggested (although maybe check this first with your solicitor). Just £50 here, £25 there. Make use of Vinted and Facebook Marketplace.

The Money Matters board is good for mortgage advice once you know where you are financially. A few IFAs and bank/building society workers hang out there.

Good luck. Stay strong.

Honestly it makes no difference. It costs about 575 I think ( gone up a bit since I did it in 2021. It will take you 45 mins. Job done
all divorces are no blame.
the petitioning has nowt to do bc with the financial or child custody arrangements. 3 seperate parallel process

head over to Divorce board and go to link in header for ADVICE NOW. Download their guides on the process. Read. Read about f”fair settlement “ how it applies to you. Arm yourself with knowledge to know how to navigate the process. Using solicitors for everything will cost you huge sums of money, and add huge length to the prices. Yes, you will need a solicitor for SOME parts but don’t bc waste money on getting solicitors to explain processes- they’re not difficult! Honestly. Save the money for bits where you may really need actual legal tasks doing

but I agree with most here, he’s spinning you. “Fair Settkement ” is based on future needs and he’s trying to reduce your future needs before financial agreements are made to come out better off himself. That’s it. Refuse to discuss financial settlements etc with him until you’ve kicked off petition AND both completed and shared your full legal b financial disclosure ( forms E and D81) . He probably knows this and is taking you for an idiot. Please read up on ADVICE NOW . Protect you bc and your son’s interest.

I'm a single parent and have a lot of single parent friends.

I cannot stress enough how hard it will be for a guy who has never been the primary carer to work a 100k job and also have sole independent responsibility for a child 50% of the time. It's rare that men step up to do this with a young child - they mostly say it to influence the split of assets and maintenance and then go back on their word.

If you're serious about wanting DS more than 50% of the time longer term (and I absolutely was) then I would recommend that you begin leaving your ex to do sole care on his 50% well before you get to the point of sorting custody officially.

I'd recommend having a conversation along the lines of "Please can we sort the 50/50 childcare split now and begin taking primary care of DS on our own weeks now so that he gets used to it before we begin living in different houses, and to free up some time for me for job hunting?". Get him to agree to a split and then step back completely on his days - no drop offs/pickups/dinner cooking/bag packing etc/laundry sorting/evening babysitting etc etc. Ideally go and stay with a friend for a couple of nights every other week so that you are truly unavailable. Book some weekends away on his weekends. Act very enthusiastic about your time to yourself, about building your career on his weeks, about the possibility of working more hours even if you don't feel it.

Document every single time he asks you to step in and help. Document every single time he gets cross about you not being there. Document every time he refuses and his reasons. Document every time he makes a decision which would be dangerous for DS if you weren't there (eg not getting up for him on his days). Document every single time he doesn't answer a call from nursery or is late for pickup.

It'll be hard but short term pain for long term gain - highly likely if you do this that by the time it gets to divorce negotiations he's suggesting a split where he doesn't have him as much on working days.

I can understand how you feel right now. I let my ex file because I felt guilty that I was the one who wanted the divorce. He wanted to file as a way of having some control so I let him and it was a bit easier for me as he had to do a lot of the work. A few years later I now wish I had been the one to do it as he manipulated me into making a particular financial decision that I now regret. Btw they always seem to care about you and your kids at the start of the process but down the line, especially if they find someone else, they really don’t care so make sure everything works in your favour now. Good luck

I fully anticipate him planning his 50% to be Friday to Sunday every weekend plus every other Monday or something, so that OP would never see her child at the weekend, because, you know, "very important job" and all that.

He is financially fortunate enough to be able to pay for whatever childcare he needs, but you can bet your bottom dollar he's not planning on compromising his "very important job" very much, even while expecting OP to get a full time job herself.

OP - the stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. You're obviously still in Stage 1, but when you get to Stage 2 you must absolutely use it to the maximum potential and get as much done as possible during that time. Bargaining then comes in useful for reaching agreements on finances and times. Depression is the shit bit where you can justifiably feel sorry for yourself and Acceptance is where you'll start finding your own way again.

Don't be afraid to speak to someone if you think you need to. A GP, or, if your work has one, use the Employee Assistance Programme. Sometimes it can be helpful to talk it through with someone impartial to help you work through the various stages and emotions, especially as the one person you'd normally speak to is now the one person you can't.

Be kind to yourself OP - this is entirely on him.

'If OP has the child 70:30, she will get CM according to his salary regardless of what she earns. Her earning potential may affect split of assets, true.'

er, yes. exactly. Why she's agreed to 50/50 as the main carer I'm not sure. OP - IS that the best for your little one right now? Or should it be more you for now and then 50/50 when they're older?
I know 8/9/10 year olds who struggle with living between 2 houses.

This is excellent advice!

Sorry he’s put you in this situation OP.

He wants to divorce so it’s up to him to come up with solutions to all of the problems he’s created. He cannot do 50:50 being out of the house for 11 hours, so what’s his plan? I think a lot of men who are in a similar situation ie don’t have to think about a single thing to do with their children or home aer oblivious to the fact that once they’ve decided their wife is surplus to requirements, they’re going to have to start actually thinking about and doing things for themselves.

Ask him to provide a possible childcare schedule. If there’s a problem with it, point out the problem but don’t offer a solution. Get him to provide a year’s worth of contact and see what he comes up with. Once he’s done that, get him to write down all the things that will need to be considered ie who pays for clothes, what day classes are going to be (he needs to take DS on his days), what nursery/school he’s going to go to/is he going to use a childminder, does he know what DS eats/what is his suggestion for DS being ill on his days if he can’t be contacted at work etc. Get him to actually think about what is going to be involved in 50:50. Remember that the main consideration in all of this is no longer you making STBXH’s life easier, it’s what is best for DS.

He has broken your trust. You can no longer rely on what he says. He has mentally left and is planning on what he’s going to spend all of his lovely money on. That’s why he begrudges £25 for a winter coat for your DS. You’ll need to know what his pension is going to be worth, how much he’s spending on his CC per month, how much the mortgage is etc. Stay in your job as it is as that’s what is best for your DS. He will think of you as not contributing anything to the marriage/family. He’s the only one contributing as he’s the only one working. He has no idea of what is involved in raising a child because it’s not important to him and will not give a shiny shit that you have sacrificed your career to facilitate his. In his eyes, his success is all down to him. He pulled the rip cord on your marriage so it’s now down to him to sort everything out.

HIS relationship with HIS child is now not your responsibility. He will start wanting 50:50, he might do it for a few weeks/months but I bet it will then fizzle out to EOW plus 1 day a week. When was the last time you went out on your own? How about a nice night out with some friends so STBXH can get some practice in?

Excellent post.

I just want to echo everyone who's saying that a) he's expected you to roll over and play nice while he shafts you financially and b) he might say he wants 50:50 but the reality is, he doesn't, he just doesn't want to have to pay you maintenance.

Stay in your job. There is financial support available to you as a single parent working part-time. Get the divorce and a decent settlement for you and your child first, make sure you have a good solicitor who works in your interest and don't be overly generous to your STBXH as he sure as shit isn't going to be generous to you, then take a breath and decide what's best for your future. Good luck.

Really? Where do you live? That isn't my experience at all, speaking as someone who has always worked full-time AND been the full-time primary carer (possible as I WFH). Go to any primary school and 90% of the parents doing pickups/drop-offs are women. My ex would consider himself a hands-on dad - and he is, compared to most - but he didn't go for 50:50 when we split as he knew full well that I'd end up doing the lion's share of childcare and domestic responsibility, which indeed I have. There was no way he could work full-time in London and also do the school run twice a day, for starters. It's basically impossible anywhere rural or semi-rural, without easy access to wraparound childcare provision - one of the parents has to work part-time or have flexible hours.