Husband pressing me to earn more

[starsandladybirds]

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

If his boss allows this. Most companies aren't actually that keen on staff members choosing to go part-time and therefore costing them money in having to recruit someone else to fill the gaps.

Everyone on MN always talks about 'getting more hours/reducing their hours' as though it were really easy, which rather suggests to me that a lot of people on MN don't actually work.

To add, £100k isn’t that high a salary and it’s a short marriage.

Don't agree to what he says without doing your own research, he cannot be trusted during the divorce process and is no longer your friend.

There are many options open to you. It may be possible to force him to continue paying the mortgage while you live in the house given your son is so young. Or it may be the court gives you enough of the equity in the house to not need a mortgage.

You need to speak to a solicitor and start prioritising yourself and your son.

20 years in HR and I don’t recognise this.

Would have been about 12 years ago that an Exec Director I worked with went part time to share the parenting with his wife.

This. And in addition, 50/50 split is not recommended (even social services advise this is not the best choice for children). They need one home during week when in routine with school etc and see the other parent on weekends. Obviously you’ve got to do what works for you, but we did 50/50 split years ago and it was hard, especially when someone wants to keep swapping days etc

Several years writing about HR and it's a pretty familiar scenario. Reality and DEI are often in conflict.

He wants 50-50 because he knows that if you got 70-30 he would have to pay maintenance. Do not in any way agree to this. It is unlikely to be in your or your son's best interest. You are the established carer. Get a different solicitor.

I’m sure someone else has picked up on this but it stood out to me, he threw a strop and didn’t come on holiday with you-twice!? He’s got another woman, at the very least he was planning this and that was to get you out of the way.

Agree you sound shocked and sad @starsandladybirds and would benefit from counselling. If you have insurance of any kind sometimes there are mental health services eg a certain number of counselling sessions included as free benefits, or a phoneline where you can speak to a mental health nurse. I have a policy with Aviva that offers this, I used it after my separation and found it really useful to talk through all the practicalities that were swirling in my head, I couldn't see the wood for the trees and the counselling helped me organise my thoughts. Things are much better now. You'll get there.

He is only looking to soften the financial impact of the divorce in himself. Increasing your hours and earnings does that.

Take the cheeky sob for it all ❤️‍🩹

I absolutely agree. Finding your anger leads to rash decisions and a damaged relationship with your soon to be exDH, especially as you’re still living together.

I would say find your clarity and peace. In private, do whatever it takes to accept that your marriage is over. Shout, scream, swear, break down in tears, and then go and dust yourself off and make peace with the fact this is happening. Gain back some control, a higher perspective and try to be more forward thinking.

Sit down with him once DS has gone to bed and tell him the changes that need to be implemented to prepare you all for this divorce. Tell DH that now is a good time to no longer be responsible for clothing, feeding or caring for him and that he needs to become more independent NOW with the childcare, such as ensuring that he cooks for, does school runs and bathes DS, so that when you both eventually live separately, the impact of these changes are lessened for you all, especially DS.

I would also start diarising dates and conversations so that you are prepared for the upcoming divorce. None of us know how your DH will react to these changes, but you have said he genuinely loves and cares for DS. This is his opportunity to show you.

By discreetly diarising events, he will be absolutely caught out if you are able to definitively contradict his version of events if necessary. Have that evidential support from now until divorce to demonstrate to a judge if you think he is capable or willing to share 50/50 custody.

How is he going to do 50/50 with a 2 year old if he has full time job?

Is he planning on his days being the ones when you're at your job and ds is at childminder/daycare anyway?

Also, as others have pointed out, you don't have to do a damn thing he says. He wants a divorce he can't tell you what to do to benefit him and his finances and you certainly don't need to do it. Don't entertain any of his 'plans' unless they are what's best for you and your son

You do realise that the hundreds of thousands of parents have 2 year olds and work full time??

Nursery, childminder, family, friends. He has all the same options that any other single parent has.

This! 100% this! He doesn’t want to have to pay you anything! Only reason he is asking you to earn more. What a prick.

Im sorry but where is everyone getting their information from? How does everyone know OP stbex is an arsehole? He hasn't done anything wrong apart from fall out of love which isn't a crime the last time I checked?

Oh and how dare he suggest he wants 50:50 of his OWN child 😱 the audacity of some men.......

Always seek your own advice, OP. This kind of behaviour is meant to be unsettling for you and throw you off course. I am 15 years divorced and my ex will still make comment on just about anything I choose or do if he gets the opportunity (rarely these days, but when you're doing constant handovers with little ones, there is a lot of opportunity to pretend you care about someone just to try and work out where they're at with their game plan). Don't second guess yourself, or him, get the info you need. Google is a great place to start but you also need your own legal advice as well. Always assume anything he says or does is specifically aimed at screwing you over and use that as a starting point.

I don’t have experience of this but from what I’ve seen you will likely be entitled to UC if you work part time and I think they then also contribute towards childcare costs. I personally wouldn’t work full time, you’ll get burn out as you’ll still need to coordinate all of DCs life with the added annoyance of ExDH to also liaise with/be let down. You are also much more protect in your current role as you will have been there 2 years! A new job means no protection for first 2 years and they will unlikely humour sickness from stress / time off for childcare crisis (sick child).

I would play around with the UC calculator online, there's no shame in using it! Its not your fault society is now so fucked up men are allowed to just walk away from all their responsibilities and women end up getting a really crap deal out if it!!!

You put yourself first. You ask him how 50/50 will work, he can't just have every weekend. He will need to do pick up and drop off from nursery or provide an outline of who will care for child when he needs help outside of nursery opening hours. He is probably so clueless he doesn't realize there is a care shortage. There's a waiting list for childminders and nurseries where I am, I couldn't increase the days my toddler is in and the waiting list is super long to do that!

Small city, 100,000 people?

We used (at different times to suit ages and circumstances) nursery, childminder, nanny, after school provision. Sometimes a combination.

What alternative is there if you don’t want to go part time or be a SAHP?

Her husband is being civil. It is the OP who has not at any point made a finacial plan. Her ex is an adult as is she part of being an adult is understanding your own finances. Its unlikley she married him at 18 and is now divorcing. The advice to take him will get her no where at all, there is no example i can find where the sepration agreement does more then put two adults back to their starting position. She needs to get smart not angry, what can be negotiated directly from him. Really theres no length of time here to argue for loss of earnings. Really take a good look and plan.

If he wants to go for 50/50 then he will probably now start to do pick up / drop off at nursery etc to show that he can.

@Wasityoubecayse or rather the ex has had plenty of time to think about what he wants to do and plan accordingly.

Whereas the OP is still getting her head around it. I mean, was she supposed to make a financial plan for her divorce she wasn’t contemplating??

Yy (though the winter coat thing is rather arsey)

Bollocks were the circumstances similar.

The 2 year old is already going to nursery 3 days a week when OP works. He will go five days a week, or STBEXH will look for a nanny/family childcare/put in a flexible working request to do five days in four etc etc.

Posters aren’t doing the OP any favours by suggesting it’s impossible for this guy to cover this problem.

I do agree that, whilst they are living together, she should instigate the 50/50 arrangements (not week on week off unless she wants to end up there, which I don’t think she does) and get him to do Monday and Tuesday pick up and drop off or whatever, and go out EOW to friends etc.