Husband pressing me to earn more

[starsandladybirds]

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

You deserve better than him .You can get through this and at the end will realise you are better off without him .is he having a mid life crisis or affair.Hiw date he say he no longer finds you attractive.I bet he is no oil painting ?

Considering my last post is based on fact as it actually happened to myself and husband do not be abusive snd tell them its a load of shit. The same thing has happened to several of our friends. Had to wait until child whether theirs or not attained the she age 16 think it may now be 18.

OP will not get her STBEXH to fund a home for her and DS for 14-16 years and be able to make no adjustments to earn more etc. He will also need somewhere to live and for the DS to live up to 50% of the time. Few people can keep two homes going on one salary and courts do not expect the impossible.

Try getting a reliable nanny!! There is and will always be the unexpected childcare crisis that the woman usually picks up the slack.

I know because I was that high flying woman working full time and then I realised I couldn't it all work and was starting to look haggered! I took a step back and now work 3 days and less senior. I do most of the organising anyway! Because if we both reduced to 4 days it wouldnt have worked because in our industry your output and fee targets don't reduce so you end up doing compressed hours for free with the pay cut! So your both even more haggered!

Might work for other industries but not for companies owner by American shareholders! I chose my health and the health of my toddler over my career and it was absolutely to right choice!

Do not change your job you have a 2 year old by law he still as to provide for you and the little one he will have to pay you maintenance for the little one you have to have the same standard of living as you do now he can not force you to sell the house

It’s a bit early to be cracking out the “family law advice” Christmas crackers.

I'm not buying what he's telling you. The hurtful comments that he no longer finds you attractive, even if he genuinely feels that, they are not a reason to end a marriage and break up his family. You need to.dig deeper and become a detective. My instincts say there is another woman, find her and you'll get whatever you want in the divorce. Good luck!

“My instincts say there is another woman, find her and you'll get whatever you want in the divorce.”

Why would OP get “whatever she wants” if there is another woman? Under what law?

Nope. She needs to get herself a full time job and get ready to live on her own.

This is worth bearing in mind, OP, because you'd face the same issues if you tried to increase your hours at work. So don't let him have DC on the days you're working. It will have been you who no doubt organised that original childcare when you went back to work after maternity, it's your childcare don't give it up to him, let him have different days and sort out his own childcare. It leaves you free to work on the days he has DC then, without having to source additional childcare for yourself.

Please do consider if you want 50/50 split. I have been separated (14y) and divorced for 12 years ( my children are now 14 and 16). He wants the split 50/50 so he does not have to pay you anything. You can go for a primary carer and agree a reasonable amount for him to have the kids e.g. every other weekend and one night in a week plus school holidays split equally. Otherwise you will be expected to pay all costs at 50% which currently you might not be able to as there is such a disparity in income. Also, the assets might not be split 50/50 as your ability to house the kids will be taken into consideration. 50/50 rarely works in practice, it would be reliant on you both living fairly close to each other for the next 16 years or so. Also, children often like to feel like they have a base rather than moving around, especially as they get older. Please focus on what is best for you and the children and finding a solicitor that you feel comfortable with. He might remain a very involved dad, sadly few men do once they are in a new relationship. The person you are divorcing is not the same as you married. He does not care about you. Please find your anger now and focus on what you and the children need. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is tough but it will get better in time xx

He’s trying to bully you, you don’t need to get a full time job and I would suspect your mental capacity at present is not the time to be looking for a new job.
when I divorced my ex husband I used https://perducofamilylaw.co.uk/ they offer fixed rates and monthly payment, look them up and give them a call, I know it’s daunting but you’ve got this and are stronger than you think.
I also suspect he doesn’t want 50/50 custody and that’s just another way to pay less for his son, my ex did the exact same thing
sending you hugs and strength xx

Interesting first post. (Reported as advertising.)

Hmmm I’m wondering why no one else has advised that you do not need to sell your house, you can stay in it until your child is 16 or 18 I believe… in the end he will move out because he does not want to be there and has probably got someone else or soon will have. With such a disparity in earnings he will have to pay child maintenance to you and whilst he may love his child and want 50/50 his current working hours will not support this. Please make sure that you get some really good advice from a solicitor and get as much info as you can about his finances including pensions as others have said. So hard to hear but this man is not your friend, everything he says in to further his own interests not yours, he is actively manipulating you by appearing to be supportive and wanting you not to be destitute but the truth is that he is wanting to control the outcome of the divorce in his financial favour. I am so sorry that this is happening to you but it is and you now need to be as strong as you can, get support from others who truly care about you, get good advice that helps you to minimise the upheaval to your son, stop listening to him, cooking for him and washing his clothes… even if he changed his mind would you really want him back now you know who he really is? Start looking after you… no one else is going to!

@SolOlly Hmmm I’m wondering why no one else has advised that you do not need to sell your house, you can stay in it until your child is 16 or 18 I believe…

OP expects her ex to contribute to not only the mortgages but her bills in the house on top of maintenance, no court is going to force that agreement.

So much inaccurate information on this thread! It’s really not helpful

"Hmmm I’m wondering why no one else has advised that you do not need to sell your house, you can stay in it until your child is 16 or 18 I believe…"

At least one other person said this, and it was bad advice.

Erm...if you can't read between the lines here then I'm sorry, you must be a man!!

He hasn't done anything wrong?

1. decided unilaterally it's over, no conversation or reason or trying to fix things with marriage counseling. Reading between the lines: he's found a new woman/man and wants out
2. threw a strop and made Op go on holiday with their son alone twice this year. Reading between the lines he rathered spend this time with his affair partner and find a way to lie his way out and mostly likely blame OP.
3. told OP she must get more hours at work because he wants a divorce. Reading between the lines ..he wants OP to earn more as there will be less financial gap between them, divorce settlement more in his favour.
4. told OP he wants 50/50 childcare but doesn't do this during their marriage and has a full time high earning job -reading between the lines...he wants to reduce divorce settlement owed.

Did I really need to spell all that out?

There is a script which pretty much all men go through after an affair and we've all seen it all before, just Google 'the script' and DARVO.

Or like I say......hes literally fell out of love
Not everyone that ends a marriage needs to be having an affair.

Im sorry that happened to you it must have been difficult

Why do you assume it happened to me? There are literally thousands of threads on here and most people have friends or family whom it's happened to. How do you explain the not going on holiday and abandoning his wife and child to go on holiday alone? Getting it somewhere else. We all know men have a wandering eye. It's not exactly a secret. There are whole industries based around it...it's biology essentially and many men have not yet managed to escape their own neanderthal urges. If you love someone you don't just 'fall out of love' something happens to make that leap. And if you care about them and your kid you try to make it work with counselling at least. The ones who leap straight to divorce 99 percent of the time have an affair partner waiting in the wings.

He's clearly manipulative you need to forget who you thought he was and how your life would go and get angry Then prioritise you and what you want -your present and future will be better for it !!

I assume it has happened to you as you seem very bitter towards men

He's straight forward trying to minimise paying substantial maintenance- I certainly wouldn't be doing 50/50 if he has a high flying full time job- how's that going to work?? Start looking at your income 'as it is' work out if entitled to any UC if you rent ( depending also if you have money in bank post house sale etc- you may not) and then factor in an extra £500 or so for child maintenance- do not let him dictate

I certainly wouldn't be doing 50/50 if he has a high flying full time job- how's that going to work??

Once again:
Nanny
Family childcare
Au pair to pick up from nursery
Compressed hours
Flexible working request to reduce hours on his days (possibly increasing them on OP’s days)

Anyway, OP started the thread on 3rd and last posted on 4th, so I assume she has what she needs and I will pop off now.

@SheilaFentiman I doubt they got what they needed because the advice was probably wrong and at odds with the OP's solicitor. I say probably because no family lawyer could take the information supplied in isolation and come up with the kind of detailed advice people tried to give here. What most people also missed is that in the OP's very first post she had mentioned her own solicitor had suggested she ask for more hours at her current employer. With a two year old I was a bit surprised by that but it is not totally unheard of for mothers of very young children having to increase their hours depending on the circumstances. If for example the debts of the family are significant there may be no other choice (we don't know that, because the OP was never very clear what the family assets were and posters were too busy articulating how they would like things to be rather than how they are, which made for some pretty startling reading from some very dogmatic posters).

I can only provide very general observations and not ones bespoke to the OP's situation. Going back to work full time now will probably make no impact on a spousal maintenance claim because extra hours minus childcare costs will probably make the difference to needs negligible with a 2 year old. However, at a point in the near future (a maximum of 5 years, probably less) that spousal maintenance is going to stop. The question for the OP is how established in their career they want to be when that day comes. It might also stop sooner if her DH decides they don't want to work or wants a lower paid job (spousal maintenance is a moveable feast and I would treat cheery claims from law firms that they can enforce SM in these circumstances with some caution).

Claiming SM does carry some risk to it too. If you want to stay in the FMH but then tell a court you need SM to do so, if the judge decides your ex cannot afford SM then by extension they will decide you cannot afford the house and will order it to be sold immediately.

A lot of people here claimed the OP could stay in the house until child is 18 and exDH could pay some of the mortgage. Depending on other circumstances the longest exDH will realistically be expected to wait is five years unless they can afford to buy another place suitable for the child. The court won't consider it a fair outcome for one party to live in an owned house and the other having to rent for 16 years except in the most extreme cases such as a severely disabled child. The likelihood of exDH ever contributing to the mortgage again is also extremely low. People tend to believe the opposite because a lot of couples do agree Mesher Orders with non-resident contributing to the mortgage by consent (often when neither could own a property on their own so it makes sense to stick together financially) but Mesher Orders by court order are extremely rare.

What people must understand is that a court will seek to separate people as quickly as possible and in the age of equality there is little sympathy for people whose life plan is to source their income from an ex-spouse. The change has been quite rapid since about 2015 so you'll often get people divorced earlier suggesting outcomes that are no longer realistic. I also noticed @arethereanyleftatall suggesting quite a contentious battle to get SM here whereas in other threads she claims it was agreed by mutual consent so I would treat her posts with some caution.