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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband pressing me to earn more

345 replies

starsandladybirds · 03/10/2024 16:08

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

OP posts:
Washingforweeks · 09/10/2024 12:28

starsandladybirds · 03/10/2024 16:08

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

If you work full time it supports him wanting 50/50 access. If you only work part time it makes more sense for you to have more custody as you are around more.
it’s all well and good saying he wants 50/50 but the realities of that will be before and after school clubs.

I understand you are grieving and it’s an awful time.
but COME ON. Stand up for yourself. Don’t let him tell you what to do. Stop letting him control the narrative.

SheilaFentiman · 09/10/2024 12:37

it’s all well and good saying he wants 50/50 but the realities of that will be before and after school clubs.

DS is 2 and turns 3 in early 2025. He won’t go to school before Sept 2026.

He is already in nursery 3 days a week so that OP can work - I assume this is day care hours rather than school hours ie daycare is 8-6 or so. So even if nothing had changed with the marriage, the DS would have been going to before and after school clubs at least 60% of the week.

I do not think either parent needing to use external childcare is a strong argument for any given residency split.

porridgecake · 09/10/2024 12:39

He is lying to you and frightening you. Speak to Women's Aid. Start collecting every single piece of financial information you can find and copy it all. Find your marriage certificate and put it somewhere safe. This is called getting your ducks in a row and if you look on the relationships board you will find lots of good advice on this. Start looking for a good solicitor.
I don't believe for a moment he has even considered the fact that he will have to pay for child care in order to continue in his very important and lucrative career (which you have facilitated). This kind of man will drop you in it whenever he has a work trip or a meeting or it is school holidays, because he has no clue what is involved in parenting a small child.

Namechangey23 · 09/10/2024 13:08

GiantHornets · 09/10/2024 09:33

what sacrifices? I never understand the claim that the mother reducing hours/giving up work facilitates a high flying career for her partner.
Most parents I know both work full time and alternate pick ups/drop offs. Nannies are available for high earners who need longer child care hours.

Show quote history

If you can't understand that then you must be living in a different world to the rest of us! Most people can't afford nannies even on high wages, and you are their employer so responsible for maternity and sick pay unless via agency, not everyone wants that. I've seen many stay at home mum's sacrifice their careers and their pensions to look after their own kids whilst the husband goes to work, plays golf on a weekend and has to make little sacrifice (yes sit shouldn't be like this!). They get the lose of domestic drudgery but the blessing of seeing the children grow up, at the sacrifice of their own career and pension. Yes I alternate drop offs with my partner. Our sacrifice was putting the kids into nursery from a young age, which was hard to do.

Addictedtohotbaths · 09/10/2024 13:35

goodluckbinbin · 09/10/2024 10:11

'If OP has the child 70:30, she will get CM according to his salary regardless of what she earns. Her earning potential may affect split of assets, true.'

er, yes. exactly. Why she's agreed to 50/50 as the main carer I'm not sure. OP - IS that the best for your little one right now? Or should it be more you for now and then 50/50 when they're older?
I know 8/9/10 year olds who struggle with living between 2 houses.

She probably agreed to 50/50 childcare because

  1. that’s what legally he is entitled to
  2. he’s an abusive twat and is grinding her down

If they went to court it’s quite reasonable that a judge would award each parent equal custody.

id start living like its joint custody and take off every other weekend to my parents / and have some fixed evenings out. Don’t meal plan for those nights and let him see how much work it is, I bet he has no clue.

YourWildAmberSloth · 09/10/2024 13:46

He is not concerned about you, he's trying to minimise how much he ends up paying you. He's also probably trying to improve his chances of 50/50 custody. Eventually you will need to earn more to support yourself but you don't need to do that right now. DS is still young, there's time for you to increase your income in the future.

OnlyLittleOldMe · 09/10/2024 14:51

Surely as the mother and brother are carer she can get court to.allow her to stay in the family home as it's in the child's best Interests. My daughter got to stay in the family home until both children finished full time education, which in one case was 22 as she went to Uni. Or has it all changed now. I know that it's all no fault/blame now but surely her needs are much greater.

OnlyLittleOldMe · 09/10/2024 14:51

Not Brother supposed to read "primary carer".

Bonmot57 · 09/10/2024 15:31

OnlyLittleOldMe · 09/10/2024 14:51

Surely as the mother and brother are carer she can get court to.allow her to stay in the family home as it's in the child's best Interests. My daughter got to stay in the family home until both children finished full time education, which in one case was 22 as she went to Uni. Or has it all changed now. I know that it's all no fault/blame now but surely her needs are much greater.

I believe this would involve the OP having to pay all of the mortgage and outgoings etc for the duration of the Court order. I expect such Mesher orders are seldom granted now and the stbxh would no doubt fight it tooth and nail.

SheilaFentiman · 09/10/2024 15:52

Agree with Bonmot57 - if OP had been a SAHM/low earner for 15 years and had a 15 year old, then courts might suggest that the FMH wasn’t sold until the child completed GCSEs or a levels. But at 2, it would be unreasonable (and probably impossible!) for one parent to house himself, pay the mortgage on the FMH and not have access to any equity in that house to help him get started in a new place.

Wasityoubecayse · 09/10/2024 16:08

DreamHolidays · 09/10/2024 12:00

@Wasityoubecayse or rather the ex has had plenty of time to think about what he wants to do and plan accordingly.

Whereas the OP is still getting her head around it. I mean, was she supposed to make a financial plan for her divorce she wasn’t contemplating??

Every adult should know there own finacial position. Always.

Sharkattack1888 · 09/10/2024 16:26

I hope he is doing 50/50 now? If not start immediately, with him doing 50 per cent. Drops offs , feeding, appointments etc. If he wants 50/50 he can start now.

Devon23 · 09/10/2024 16:29

ItTook9Years · 09/10/2024 12:09

Bollocks were the circumstances similar.

Show quote history

Well I dont know for sure about this lady but my friend had her own fitness business worked part time - hubby computer business they were together 6 years and he found a younger model (as he put it). Asked her to leave she got a solicitor involved 2 and 5 year old children together and married. She had all the equity in the house, 1/2 the savings and maintenance of £1500 a month.

Lavenderblue11 · 09/10/2024 19:12

starsandladybirds · 03/10/2024 16:20

I wish I could do this. I'm still in denial somewhat and hoping he will change his mind. But he says he no longer loves me or finds me attractive, and that was months ago so I need to find a way to come to terms with this.

Show quote history

It sounds like he's got another woman lined up OP, sorry
No one leaves a marriage where there are no real issues to speak of unless they have a plan B.
Don't make it easy for him to fleece you out of what you're entitled to. How is he going to manage 50/50 custody of your DS with his high flying career? DS will probably end up with child minders/at nursery all the time. Would be cheaper for him than to pay you full maintenance.
He's being smart about it, time you got smarter.

ItTook9Years · 09/10/2024 19:26

So she was probably a shareholder in his business and it was easier to give her the house equity than to transfer cash for her shares.

Maintenance would be for the children, presumably. She wouldn’t have had spousal maintenance for a short relationship.

Revontulet · 09/10/2024 19:36

Wow. This man has used and abused your good nature (stop being so naïve). Taken advantage of free care so he can progress his career and now it's convenient is leaving.

Based on this reveal of his true colours it should be you who wants to leave him!!!

Stop chasing him, get a grip and leave - on your own terms not his - this man is not someone you want in your life.

Gonegirl7 · 09/10/2024 19:37

He clearly wants to claim you are NOT primary career so it will be easier to get 50::50 in court.

Uktrucker · 09/10/2024 19:40

If you file for divorce it looks like you want to divorce him let him file for a divorce the he as to explain why he wants to divorce you . Wait till his solicitor informs you by letting then seek legal advice. Do not change your job you have a 2 year old by law he still as to provide for you and the little one he will have to pay you maintenance for the little one you have to have the same standard of living as you do now he can not force you to sell the house so don't do anything carry on working and looking after your little one. Let him do all the work of divorce proceedings and when the time comes for you to get a solicitor you will get legal aid. He is hoping you file for divorce don't it plays in to his hands

SheilaFentiman · 09/10/2024 19:44

"you have to have the same standard of living as you do now "

This is arrant nonsense.

Charleybarley3344 · 09/10/2024 19:48

starsandladybirds · 03/10/2024 16:08

Been married for 4 years and have one DS who is 2. I went back to work part-time after DS was born for 3 days a week, husband earns much more than me in his job, nearly £100k.

A few months ago he told me he wanted a divorce. He wants 50:50 in terms of custody which I’ve agreed to although I feel sick at the thought of not seeing DS for days at a time. Day to day we are civil but I feel stuck in this awful limbo, no love, no affection. It feels very lonely.

We are still living together as neither can afford to move out but he has been pressing me to get a full time job. He says he’s spoken to a solicitor about the divorce process and wants to give me a chance to get a full time job before he files to give me a chance to get settled and earning more.

I spoke to a solicitor and they said to stay in my current job but increase my hours if I can (I haven’t been able to) so it doesn’t affect me trying to get a mortgage due to not being in a new job long enough - however a mortgage adviser I spoke to said that doesn’t matter and I could get a mortgage as long as I had a job offer.

I’m not coping well at my present job and feel I can’t face searching and interviewing for new jobs - I am struggling with the grief and uncertainty about what’s happening and am trying to keep it together and things consistent for DS. I also feel I need consistency for myself as I’ve been at my present job for a few years and know what I’m doing. I’d rather he filed first and we got the financial agreements/custody etc sorted first before we sell the house and before I change anything drastic in my and DS’ routine. I'm prepared I'll need to work FT when we do divorce to support myself as a single parent.

Does anyone have experience of this as I’m worried he is wanting me to increase hours/change jobs before filing so there is a better outcome for him in terms of financial split? He’s mentioned if I don’t do this I’ll end up having to rent or on benefits when we come to sell the house as I won’t be able to get a mortgage on my part-time salary, and I’m so worried about what the future looks like and providing a suitable home for DS. I’ve sacrificed so much for our family and worried I’m going to be left destitute if I don’t act quickly.

I'm a single mum and get universal credit, if you earn to much you come off it so definitely don't up your hours. You don't need to give him 50/50 custody. Your child needs routine and can see him/her when it suits you. Please don't worry. If he has a good job you'll also get help from csa which is probably why he's wanting you to go half's with the child so he won't pay as much. You will probably find your better off financially in the end. At nursery ask for 30 hours stretched funding and if your on your own you also get 80% childcare costs back from universal credit, and also after school and holiday clubs wen they start school. I wish you all the best. You've got this :) you can do it x

Dinkydo12 · 09/10/2024 19:49

Do not do anything. You have a child your husband has an obligation in law to ensure that the child has a home until they are 16. My hubby ex had a child by another man and he had to leave her stay in the marital home until the child was 16. The court put a % on the value which is what his ex had to pay out at the end. Get a better solicitor. If he wants joint custody fine but he us just trying to get out of maintenance payments. Delay things and let him get on with what ever he wants to. Do not give into his wants. You also have a say. Good luck.

SheilaFentiman · 09/10/2024 19:52

"You have a child your husband has an obligation in law to ensure that the child has a home until they are 16"

More nonsense.

OCTOBER8 · 09/10/2024 20:01

This is exactly what my ex husband tried to do, he's solicitors said that I could go back to work full-time as I have skills. Judge didn't agree. Your husband is playing mind games, get yourself a good solicitor and don't let him bully you. They always use money as a form of control and that's what he's doing. I stuck to my guns and it was really hard sometimes but worth it. I got the house and continue to work part-time.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/10/2024 20:08

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Dee19811 · 09/10/2024 20:11

I'm sorry your going through this and if it's been said/asked I'm sorry.
If you sort out your accounts to separate and then you may be able to claim universal credits. You can claim if you are living together! It's worth applying to see if your income could become better.

As well as this he says he wants 50/50 custody, how would that work currently? Maybe tell hubby as you have split that 50/50 custody should start now within the home to see if its possible. Not only now but when ds starts school, how will this work on his days? I know it's a bit of a way of yet but this needs to be agreed!

Good luck