I received inheritance 4 weeks before my husband said he was leaving

[Sofie19]

Hi

I received some inheritance from my parents a couple of months ago. I told my husband their house sale went through and I got the money. 4 weeks later he said we should separate and he moved into a rental he had already organized. I'm in my 30s and we have a young son. My lawyers have told me I need to use the inheritance for my future housing needs.

But I don't want to.

I don't want to be forced into using my parent's money for this. I wanted to reduce the hours of my current job and use the inheritance money to supplement my income because I don't want to work long hours. My job has been stressful in the past and I reduced my hours in the past few years and I have been happier and feel I have the right home/work balance. I want to stay working shorter hours so I can be there for my son and enjoy my life.

My husband is a high earner (100k +) for the last year and was obsessed with work. I am on less than 30k. We have a big mortgage which I can't afford on my income alone. I don't know what to do. Honestly, I want to give the inheritance away, flush it down the loo, put it in a trust for my young son, whatever. I feel sick to my core that my husband waited for it before leaving. He used our marriage to build up his income and take a new job and train for his high income. I actually wanted him to stay on the lower paid job. I feel devastated that, whilst it probably isn't part of the matrimonial pot, I will have to use it for my living needs because property prices are high near where we are. I wanted to keep some for my son, keep some for myself for when I am much older and need to supplement my pension and also some for IVF now as a single woman. Some could have gone towards property but nowhere near what is being suggested. My husband could meet his housing needs based on his salary because his borrowing capacity is high but mine isn't and I can't base it on my salary alone / the income I can make from interest.

Is there any way I can get rid of the inheritance? Everywhere I have read says don't spend it because it looks bad. But if it isn't my husband's anyway surely I can do whatever I want with it. I just feel so gutted. I might be coming across as greedy and selfish I know. But ultimately I don't want to be forced to spend it in a certain way, I want to choose how to spend it myself.

I think the OP needs to understand that many people don't get the life they planned. Things happen in life that take away the future that was planned, some of it is purely misfortune, some events that we would not have thought possible. What we have to do is make the best of the change in circumstances. It's certainly hard, but constantly tearing yourself to bits because it's not the future you planned means that you don't enjoy the present or the future.
Believe me, my life is not what I planned, but I just have to get on with it.

I don't think anyone will make you spend your money on anything - it's your choice what you actually spend it on.

However, when splitting the assets, both parties housing needs will be considered, and the split will be based upon ensuring both parties can afford suitable housing. Any money that you have available to you will be included in that consideration. So, for sure, you'd be able to spend the money on IVF and reducing your hours if you so wish, but obviously that will come at the cost of your secure housing. You can't expect to have a big chunk of money that you have available to you disregarded just because you don't want to spend it!

The good news is that it seems like you will have enough available to you to provide you with secure, owned housing. However you look at it, for someone in their thirties with low earnings that's not a bad place to be. I'm absolutely sure that your parents would be delighted to know that they'd helped you have security in the form of property for yourself and your child.

You need to see the money as a blessing a use to get started in a new home. You're lucky to have it.

Op, tie up 75% of your inheritance in a new house and get a smaller mortgage based on your own income or seen the family home and use that to clear/a your mortgage.

Over the money has been spent on securing purchased housing, your ex will have to pay your child support and you can save that while working full time and "replace" your inheritance.

I haven't read all the posts, because there's just so many.

Have you taken legal advice? I'm in a similar situation at the moment, except that my stb xh is going after my inheritance, that I haven't actually received yet!! Nothing like hanging around waiting for your wife's parents to die (within 5 months of each other).

Anyway....... I have taken legal advice. I'm really, really hoping that you've had the money paid into an account in your sole name, and not a joint account. Becuase if it went into a joint account it shows that there was an intent to share the money. If it went into your sole account, an inheritance is a protected asset. Basically, it's all down to "need", both yours and your x's. If both your needs to be re-housed can be satisfied using joint assets (savings, investments, equity in property etc), then there is no need for him to have any of your inheritance.

But please, please take some legal advice if you haven't already done so.

I think it's unclear whether this is an actual inheritance following a death, or an early release of future inheritance following a downsizing (i.e. a gift). Given the reference to an inheritance from my 'parents' (plural) it seems distinctly possible this is actually a gift but we don't know. OP if one or both of your parents have recently died, my sympathies.

Now if her DH knew this money was coming, it's absolutely sensible of him to wait for it to arrive before divorce. It may be because he felt less trapped, but it's also actually fair - this money should be considered when deciding how to deal with finances during the divorce, because it's money OP has. OP I know it's hard but the reality is that you actually are in a better position because you have this money than if you didn't.

The way finances work in divorce, is that (assuming a long marriage) if both OP and her husband are in a completely equal financial position, marital assets would be split 50:50. Whether or not this 'inheritance' is considered a marital asset would depend on lots of factors we don't know, but starting point if an actual inheritance would be it isn't, and if a gift it isn't if clearly given to the OP. OP should rely on her solicitors' advice for whether or not they consider it to be a marital asset. From the sounds of the OP, they've said likely not (she doesn't mention having to share it, just having to use it for her housing costs).

Let's assume this money isn't a marital asset. The court would look to see whether OP (or her DH) should get more than 50% of marital assets. They look at things like making sure the children have a home, parties financial position, current and future financial needs, everyone having a roof over their heads, future earning capacity, age, standard of living they've been accustomed to etc. Given OP is a lower earner, if she didn't have this inheritance, she would get more than 50% of the assets if she'd struggle to house herself from her income alone.

With the inheritance, it may no longer be a concern that OP won't be able to afford to house herself. That's probably what her solicitors meant when they said that she'd need to use this inheritance for housing. Whilst hard for OP, that's fair - why should she get more than 50% of the martial assets just because the DH earns more IF OP has a large cash amount that she can use herself.

The inheritance itself is unlikely to be split (unless it's a marital asset for some reason - see above), but it's a similar impact.

Now if marital assets are limited, and this inheritance is massive, it's always possible that it could mean the DH gets more than 50% (as he needs to be able to house himself too! and he's only been a high earner for a short period) but that seems unlikely in the circumstances (he's on 100k so presumably can easily afford rent and the OP doesn't mention significant debts).

Firstly, you're bloody LUCKY to have money behind you so that you CAN sort your housing situation out. It might not feel like it at the moment, but there are so many women out there who simply don't have money and end up in awful situations.

Secondly, you may want to work fewer hours, but you can't have it all ways. You can't work fewer hours and then complain that you have to use your savings (which is what this money now is) to pay the bills.

However - if you're divorcing, you will surely get some of the money he has supposedly been building up during the relationship. If you've been taking on more of the childcare which has left you unable to save your own funds, this will all be taken into account.

Regarding your high mortgage - you may have to move to a smaller, cheaper property. It is what it is. Free up whatever money you have in the house, and get yourself something more affordable.

You will also get CMS payments from your husband going forward which should help with costs, assuming you're taking on the care of your child.

So yeah, it's a horrible situation and a shitty thing to have to go through, but honestly, you are VERY lucky and much better off than a lot of people who go through the same thing. Keep things simple and civil for your child, get the divorce sorted ASAP, including finance arrangements.

Maybe hold off on creating a child with no legal father just because you want to. It’s quite selfish to do so when you have another child who does have a dad who is involved.

It doesn’t sound like your DH sneakily waited for your inheritance. He’s not going to have a claim on it but yes it will need to be used to meet your needs. Your plan that he would finance you having a low paid job obviously didn’t work out and he is allowed to leave the relationship if he wants to.!

And also, I'm the higher earner in my relationship. When DH and I have gone through rocky patches, I've always been conscious that he would really struggle financially if I left. If I was in a position where I felt the marriage was over, I absolutely might wait until after he received a large cash amount because it would ease the guilt over me leaving him.

Finally, talk to your solicitors about whether you can put it in trust for your DC IF they've decided it's not a marital asset. They are best placed to advise - I think it may well look like bad faith. If you do do this, remember that means the money is your child's and not yours - you can't use it except for the benefit of the child (and certainly not for the IVF you want or to reduce your hours). That's very risky when you're currently facing an uncertain financial future.

If you could pay off your mortgage in 1 lump sum that would take the pressure off you a lot. If you sell your marital home and move to a more affordable area I'm sure your ex will have to pay maintenance.

Use it to buy a house. Then you can continue to work fewer hours because you can claim UC because you won't have savings. He will have to buy you out or sell the house. Then you can use that money to subsidise your working hours instead of UC.If you can't afford to buy a house go for shared ownership.

Spending it on housing doesn't mean you can't later transfer it to your son. It's just changing it from liquid to illiquid, and you can downsize later and give it to him if you want. Obviously transaction costs are expensive, but still.

It might not be enough to buy a house.

She could stick it in a bond for 12 months.

To be honest if her solicitor is advising her to cave, I would find a better solicitor

I really hope this inheritance (if that is actually what it is, and not a gift from parents who are still alive) has gone into an account in your sole name, @Sofie19. It will make your life a lot easier if so, it seems.
I completely understand your rage and I think you may be displacing your shock and hurt about the sudden end of your relationship by concentrating on the money aspect, rather than the fact that you're feeling deserted and bereft at what someone you thought had your back has done to you, out of the blue. As others have said, apart from legal advice, you probably need counselling too. But don't cut off your nose to spite your face by getting rid of the money, it is indeed a blessing and means you can keep a safe roof over your and your child's heads, wthout worrying about having to find a place to rent and being subject to a landlord's whims.
Good luck with this horrible time you're having to live through.

@Sofie19

Hasn't come back from original post, so maybe just needed to vent.

Sell legal advice but you could do a deed of variation on the will if you don't want the money and want to direct it to your son. All beneficiaries of the will have to agree but you can in effect change the money that's been passed to you to go directly to your son and skip you. If you really don't think you will need it or want it and that's your preferred option seek advice but this is an option. You also may need to set up a trust for the funds until your son is old enough to be responsible for the money which is more admin and there are costs involved plus stipulations (like the mover has to be invested etc). Check out all your options.

Wow, I didn't expect so many replies. For info. My parents are dead. My dad died in November 2022 rather unexpectedly. My mum who had been terminally ill for a few years died in April 2023. Their house was sold a year later and my share was paid into an account in my sole name And re. the IVF. We had lots in the last few years and being a mum has been incredible so I would love another child. I'd have to use a sperm donor.

I will read all of the replies later. I am currently getting a chunk of CMS but dh is wanting 50/50. The inheritance doesn't allow me to be mortgage free.

Nobody knows though, maybe he was staying in the marriage because he knew OP would struggle financially on her own but now that he is re-assured she has some safety he can leave.

Or maybe when hearing that OP wanted to go part time but not use her money he thought that now was his last chance to leave before being asked to fund her choice to earn less.

Who knows…

Op, I’m sorry and I feel that was obvious. I’m shocked anyone is so money focused they said you were lucky.

Sorry for your loss op. Often the advice after a loss is to not make any big decisions, including financial for a year.

Then you’ll have to work, full time possibly to pay your way. And your current husband won’t lose assets because you want to reduce hours and have a baby with ivf that’s not his and you therefore have higher costs and higher childcare challenges

your inheritance can and will be used in your divorce and should he used to help with your housing needs and costs

your ex has the sane housing needs as you - he will need marital
assets and mortgage of which is capacity of bigger/ yours is lower but the inheritance will have to be used to help you

Some posters on this thread are vile.

OP, so sorry for your loss and being blindsided by STXH.

It is so hurtful, unimaginable, when you realise they have planned already to leave you, sought legal advice and lived a deceptive lie. Horrible.

It will be OK though.

I get the sense that some are more than a little bitter about their own divorces. Hence the ridiclously unsympathetic, jealous? comments.

This is not AIBU.

@Sofie19 I'd put this in legal. You are getting some bad advice here.