SAHD doesn't want to see kids any more

[flapers]

I split up with my partner few days ago. He has been a SAHD between 3-5 days a week since our kids were born, unless I was.on maternity leave.

His response to the split has been to move to his family's place a 6 hour drive away. He said he will stay there and see kids 1-2 times month. For the first visit he's also asked to take just one of them.

Our kids are 2 & 4. Going from so much contact to so little would have a huge impact. Any advice?

I think part of the issue is he doesn't have the finances to get a place near the kids and near his parents, so has chosen the place he feels happier.

It’s a no from me to taking just one of them ‘you have two children. You can choose not to see them, but I don’t have to let you choose one and not the other and hand that favorite child over while watching the emotional damage that causes both of them. You may have them both for the weekends you’ve nominated, let me know by Friday if you would like that.’

its such a huge change for them :(

He needs to take both out. No discussion.

Has he had to move out or chosen to?

Well it’s clearly not great and is going to upset the children however is it practically at the moment the only real option if he can’t afford anywhere?

its early days re separation but what’s the plan longer term re him
working, do you own a house? Splitting finances etc if you do?

does he perhaps just need some space for a few weeks to try to figure out what to do ?

o think the answer will depend on those things . Ie if he just needs a few weeks to get his head together you can say dads just having a break, if it will be 6 months but interim you can try to work out better contact schedule and tell them etc

young children are usually very in the moment and literal and while they’ll be upset usually the next minute they’re fine and it’s almost like out of sight out of mind to a degree.

what’s your plan now re childcare ?

And yes I think it’s odd he only wants one at a time so I’d be saying both or none

I ended the relationship. I'm just about to buy a house (it was supposed to be for all of us), but because of the way things are going I have decided to move in without him.

He doesn't know many people where I am now, and has a community of friends and family in his hometown.

He's not a high earner so can't afford 2 places, but I would love to hear any ideas for a way around this because it would be terrible for the kids to see him so infrequently.

We'll be splitting savings, so he'll have a chunk of cash to start his new life.

I'm not sure about childcare. He was full time at home and I wasn't expecting him to go from 100 to zero. My Mum and a family friend have offered help, but I may have to take unpaid leave to transition them and settle them into nursery / school.

It sounds to me like, as it is very early days in to the separation, that he's lashing out. He's hurt, and he probably doesn't know what to do. How can he actually offer more than he is, he'll essentially be homeless. What is it you'd like him to do and how? Give him some time to adapt and make his own plans. At the end of the day, you're getting the separation that you instigated and a brand new home. What's he got? Time is key here.

I think he's extremely hurt and perhaps feeling used. He might feel literally unable to care for the children right now. He might think that one of them needs some time alone wuth him more than the other?

I think I'd be more worried about the children losing their primary carer. Could you move nearer him?

Regardless of when/how much he sees them, it would be both or neither, you do not get to pick and choose your children.

He's throwing a tantrum and putting his hurt feelings ahead of his kids best interests

He doesnt want to be a grown up and earn his own money, I can see why you got rid of the loser.

If you're not married you owe him nothing, don't feel obligated to hand over money you earned when he is planning the ditch his own children. He deserves nothing.

How did you foresee the future being when you told him the relationship was over and you’d be moving into the new house alone? Did you not think through and discuss anything at all? Regardless of whether he’d stayed locally or not, he’d no longer be available to be a SAHD, as he’d have needed to find a full time job to support himself. He’s about to become homeless, with no income to secure a new place, so where were you proposing he took care of the DC?

You both need to do something proper talking about how the arrangements are going to work and who is going to travel for contact, is he eligible for benefits or social housing, how could finances be split more fairly to reflect that his earning capacity has been lessened because of his being a SAHD for the family. I think you were incredibly unrealistic to think you’d just split up and maintain the old status quo with childcare arrangements from him whilst you took off into the sunset with your own brand new life.

Why are you not moving out? If we were discussing a sahm, who's dh had left her, the expectation would be that he moved out of the family home and found alternative accommodation.

Would it not be better for your dc to remain with their primary carer?

Nope, the expectation would be the house being sold or bought out during the divorce.
In this case, the man was just a boyfriend, zero legal ties.
Why did he abandon his kids, OP? As their primary carer should they not have gone with him?

Surely as he is the childs primary carer either you should be moving out and finding somewhere to live with him retaining a larger proportion of the finances, or the children should have moved with him to his families home.

As he is a SAHD you will have been paying into a pension for him, he may be able to cash this to get some short term funds before his UC etc is sorted.

So op's dc will go from being cared for by a sahd, to being at nursery or looked after by 2 different people?
I know what I would have preferred for my dc!

Yes, I absolutely agree that the house should be sold and assets divided but that's not what the op is suggesting.
She's going ahead buying a house for herself and is now complaining that he's moved away to stay with family!

As its for all of you, his name will be on both the mortgage and deeds, so he is more than welcome to also move in if he wants to.

Eh? Why would OP be obligated to house an ex boyfriend?

The decision to leave wasn't one I came to quickly or easily. From the day I got home from the hospital with our 2nd child, he became a screamer. I have dealt with him screaming and swearing at me in front of the kids, I have felt scared alone in the house with him. We have had therapy which didn't work, lived apart for a month when the 2nd was a newborn, but ultimately he blames me every time and doesn't see the need to change.

So after putting up with this for 2 years, I decided to create at least one calm home for me and the children.

OP - why don't you leave the children with him as he's their primary carer and you get your own place?

Honestly if a man had posted he had left his wife who was a SAHM and essentially kicked her out of the house to find somewhere else (when they've got no job as they've been looking after the children!) all hell would break loose! And rightly so!

I own the new house. He has a share of a family property abroad so due to stamp duty, and the screaming issue I mentionee above, I bought it alone.

So he moved to an area he had no friends or family in, you used him for childcare until the children were slightly older, brought a house in just your name but strung him along believing it to be a family home and then out of the blue ended the relationship and you're surprised he now can't have his children more when he's homeless and jobless? You sound delightful.

To be fair, he sounds abusive and the OP is well shot of him.

If he was previously a SAHD and the relationship is now over then he will be needing to earn money.

That means that he will need to get a job.

If he has no ownership or any interest in the new house he can't go there.

Many people move back with their parents after a divorce because they have literally nowhere else to go and it sounds like this is his situation.

He won't be able to rent or buy anywhere without a job so he'll be prioritising getting a job.

Obviously he should be seeing the joint children but the SAHD situation couldn't have continued.

I don’t think the backstory of why you ended the relationship is particularly relevant: relationships break down sometimes, that’s life, shit happens. It’s just unclear what you were expecting or what you’d like advice on: you’re surprised and upset that he’s moved to stay with his parents and won’t be providing childcare anymore, but how can someone who has no income of their own and is about to be made homeless do anything else? What alternative are you proposing that would enable him to remain locally and continue to stay at home with the DC?