SAHD doesn't want to see kids any more

[flapers]

I split up with my partner few days ago. He has been a SAHD between 3-5 days a week since our kids were born, unless I was.on maternity leave.

His response to the split has been to move to his family's place a 6 hour drive away. He said he will stay there and see kids 1-2 times month. For the first visit he's also asked to take just one of them.

Our kids are 2 & 4. Going from so much contact to so little would have a huge impact. Any advice?

I think part of the issue is he doesn't have the finances to get a place near the kids and near his parents, so has chosen the place he feels happier.

That's not really the situation though. He didn't give up his job.

They have both previously worked part time and shared looking after the children.
He lost his job a few months ago and so was at home with the kids.
He's been increasing verbally/emotionally abusive since the birth of their second child putting his partner in fear.
She has had to work full time and has been able to buy a house for her and the children.

I drove once a fortnight 12 or 13 hours round trip to see my father who was on end of life care. I did this for 8 months. It was exhausting, but when you really love someone, you make enormous efforts to see them. I was working full time as well which he is not.

I assume in the same way that any man who had been paying the bills for a SAHM would be obliged to pay to house the woman and DC. If he chooses to be the PWC then OP should pay towards DC costs, which will include housing.

I think it would be under given the distance to expect more than twice a month - financially and time wise for exdp and for the kids to sit in a car for a 12 hour round trip. I think he had to move back to his famil after you ended things and I don’t think you can expect more

The answer is whatever is in the best interests of the children. He needs to find a way to be a good, consistent dad from that distance. It going to be very hard but it's for him to solve.

Also, does he really think he can fly/drive to you, pick up one small child and leave their sibling behind while he goes off? Not nice. And not best for the children.

It is too long a journey for kids that age as a regular thing. He has to travel to see them.

@Berryshenanigans in what ways has she not been empathetic?
I see no evidence of the cruelty you accuse her of.

He lost his job and was by default a SAHP for the last 4 months whilst being abusive to op.

She doesn't owe him a home.

He hasn't sacrificed his career to look after the children for 4 years whilst she builds a nest egg, she's been a SAHP longer than he has, they've both been working part time, he is not hard done by and if he considered himself the RP he would have taken the children with him like many many mothers do.

She's also said he will get half of their savings, so she's not pulling one over on him.

Why are you upset / insisting he stays in their lives then? I'd say this is awesome that hes moved so far and will pnly see u 1-2 times a month, and i can hope for you he soon doesnt want to see you at all. Why do u want him in your life? Keep the abuser as far as possible, and youve achieved that, dont invite him closer!!!

I think part of the issue is he doesn't have the finances to get a place near the kids and near his parents, so has chosen the place he feels happier

I see this entirely differently.

He is doing this to hurt you, and to inconvenience you. He doesn't care if he hurts his children. He knows if he hurts them, it will hurt you too, Win for him.

Firstly, say no, once and for all to 'one child at a time'. He's doing that to control you and ensure you have no free time. Also, it will hurt the children. I'm 66, my dad died recently at 92. He used to take my younger brother out and not me. I remember. I remember sitting in my bedroom, crying, on Saturday afternoons. Even my mother (a dyed-in-the-wool bitch who hated me) felt sorry for me. You sound a sensible, well-organised person, you'll arrange reliable childcare. Don't let him mess with your head.

Be clear that infrequent visiting is his choice. You aren't responsible for his moving six hours away.

He became a screamer. Then your tiny children are not safe to be left alone in his care.

A woman who was a SAHM when the relationship broke up would get sympathy.

However - a woman who announced that she only wanted to see the children 1-2 times a month and then only one at a time would be ripped to shreds - regardless of her financial situation/needing to be back with family.

That said OP - I think the situation could be worse - he could be wanting to move back with family and take the children with him (and argue he was the primary carer due to being SAH before). Its clear that, if you were living a distance apart, 50/50 wouldn't be possible. So assuming that it is necessary for you to live where you are and him to move where he is, it makes sense for one of you to do more of the parenting. 1-2 times a month is ridiculous but you cant make him do more. I think it could still work though, and the children can have a longlasting relationship with their father. You need to be the strong/stable one though to absorb the shock of the changes.

Just in case he changed his mind, keep a record of his current plan, also who does things like doctors appointments etc.

He’s sacrificed his career for the family…just like a SAHM has sacrificed hers. Not all contributions to the family are financial 😊

Or do you think SAHMs are infantile losers who CBA to earn their own money?

He hasn’t. He has been a SAHD for four months. And that was only cos he lost his job.

@flapers completely get why you have split. Maybe mediation could help you come to agreement on child contact?

Not sure where you got your timeline about him losing his job and only being SAHD for four months from...

"I split up with my partner few days ago. He has been a SAHD between 3-5 days a week since our kids were born, unless I was.on maternity leave."

Exactly this!

Mumsnet to Woman in an Abusive Relationship "Get your ducks in a row and leave him!"

Woman in an Abusive Relationship gets her ducks in a row.

Mumsnet to Woman in an Abusive Relationship "How selfish of you! You move out! Give him all your savings!"

Sorry, got through the drip-feed now. OP seems to be changing the story every post.

From this post, @usernamealreadytaken

" He hasn't been a stay at SAHD for 4 years. During that time I had a 2 years of maternity leave and 9 months working 3 days a week. In total he has probably been full time at home for about 4 months "

You can view all the ops posts if you go the the three dots, just under it says
" see all ".

They've both been working part time, so most likely working opposite shifts and caring for the children each whilst the other works.
Op has had 2 years maternity leave I assume 1 year for each child and her ex lost his job 4 months ago meaning he was at home by default.

The story hasn’t changed. The children are 2 and 4. OP has had two Mat leaves of a year and she said in the original post that he has been a SAHD 3-5 days a week at other times, which is consistent with her being a SAHM 0-2 days a week, with the two days being the period when she was on a 9 month 3 day a week contract.

Additional detail, not a change of story.

Anyway, OP has wisely hidden the thread (if a post is too long, some will say “CBA to read all that; if too short, an OP is accused of drip feeding when she provides further clarification)

I’m going to follow her example and pootle off. Glad that he’s going to take the kids together, OP.

Losing your job and being unemployed (and abusive to your partner) for a few months is not the same as sacrificing your career for your family.

OP should have started her post with
"I've had to end my relationship and move with my children into a new house I've bought as my partner has been abusive towards me since our second baby was born two years ago and I'm now scared to be alone with him.
Since he lost his job a few months ago he has been looking after the children full time, but now we've split he has moved 6 hours away and barely wants any contact with them.
I'm worried about the impact on the kids of going from seeing him every day to so little"

Then she'd have had very different responses.

@ExhaustedHousewife

I agree but you said BOTH

Some MNers are just desperate to blame women and excuse men for everything. It's shocking the lengths they will go to in order to make the women seem to be at fault even when it's clear the man is an abuser.

I'd like to think most of these commenters are children on their summer holidays or unemployed MRAs. Because otherwise it's a very shameful state of affairs.

Since when is it her job to manage her partner?!

He knows he's being abusive. He can hear the screaming coming out of his own mouth. He knows he's doing it to his partner and in front of his children, which is abusive to them too.

He can decide for himself that his own behaviour is unacceptable and that he needs to do something about it, like see a doctor, if it's not his true personality and he thinks there's something wrong. It's not for OP to have to help him find the cause, at her own instigation. It's ok to want to date someone who takes responsibility for themselves and their own behaviour and their own health. It's ok to not want to feel she has to mother a grown adult who she didn't give birth to.

Instead he's actually just another abusive man. OP says his opinion is he doesn't need to change. He's had therapy and this is still his opinion. He's fine with abusing his partner and children. There's nothing to work with.

OP your children don't need this abuser in their lives. It's not good for them, it's actively harmful for them to witness domestic abuse, whic is what this is.

Be glad he's fucked off and hope he doesn't return. Don't make a fuss about childcare or them missing him etc and let him fade out of their lives. You don't need him using them to control you for the next 16 years and they don't need to spend their childhood treading on eggshells around a volatile man who consistently puts his own wants above their basic needs.

They're small with no real way of understanding it or expressing it, especially as they've known no different, but there's no way the children were feeling safe and secure whilst you were together. Ex is not going to morph into a different person just because you've split up. He'll always put himself first. He'll probably go on to abuse subsequent partners too, so that's more domestic abuse his children will witness. As the children grow up and start getting a mind of their own they'll come in for direct abuse from him themselves. It's no way for the children to live.

They're young and they'll get over his absence far easier than they'll get over a lifetime of trauma from staying in touch.