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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

SAHD doesn't want to see kids any more

164 replies

flapers · 15/08/2024 07:16

I split up with my partner few days ago. He has been a SAHD between 3-5 days a week since our kids were born, unless I was.on maternity leave.

His response to the split has been to move to his family's place a 6 hour drive away. He said he will stay there and see kids 1-2 times month. For the first visit he's also asked to take just one of them.

Our kids are 2 & 4. Going from so much contact to so little would have a huge impact. Any advice?

I think part of the issue is he doesn't have the finances to get a place near the kids and near his parents, so has chosen the place he feels happier.

OP posts:
HolibobsMum · 15/08/2024 11:36

You've presented this in quite a confusing way, but sounds like it's best for you and the kids to get on with your lives in your new house and dad to see them (both together) one weekend a month.
Maybe offer to drive half way for a handover.

Bluetrews25 · 15/08/2024 11:36

I think you are getting a hard time because there's been a bit of a drip feed
He's abusive and won't make any effort to change
He's only been a SAHD for 4 months.

I can see why you want him out
You will all be happier now he's gone
Yes he should see the DCs. I would not stop contact but would not go out of my way to facilitate it (ie I would not take them to him and pick them up and would NOT let him see them in my home)
Wanting to see them one at a time sounds like abusive behaviour to punish you and the DCs.

maverickfox · 15/08/2024 11:38

Twistybranch · 15/08/2024 10:10

That she didn’t include in her OP

Show quote history

Which is why people need to RTFT.

Original poster
flapers · 15/08/2024 11:40

Thanks for the positive advice given and people who have shared their own experiences. I think I have got what I need from this thread now, so won't be posting any more responses.

Also, he's agreed to take both for the first visit and I'll keep insisting on that every time.

OP posts:
Donotneedit · 15/08/2024 11:40

I’ve seen it where people do have ADHD and cannot cope with the relationship and small children, but once they separate are able to be much better Co parents, so you may be lucky and that may happen, it could take a while for the dust to settle but that would be a good outcome and is something to hope for and perhaps work towards

3luckystars · 15/08/2024 11:41

SunQueen24 · 15/08/2024 09:04

Why doesn’t he take the kids with him?

Do you mean to live with him full time?

I wouldn’t allow that.

XiCi · 15/08/2024 11:46

CallItLoneliness · 15/08/2024 09:08

JFC Mumsnet is weird sometimes. This woman is financially secure and leaving her verbally and emotionally abusive partner and so many of you are responding telling her that being a SAHD is hard so cut him some slack? Nope.

OP, you're doing the right thing. Look after you and the kids as best you can, and let him figure his own shit out; one of the blessings of not being with him is he is not your problem anymore. Also abuse can begin or escalate during the pregnancy and newborn periods, which is what sounds like has happened here. Moving yourself and your children away from that abuse, which is all one of them has ever known, is the right thing to do.

Thank god someone has said it. I was beginning to think everyone had lost their fucking minds.

newbornandbreast · 15/08/2024 11:48

It sounds like him moving out is the best solution.

If he does get another job can he afford to rent locally to the children? I am shocked he has moved 6 hours away after being a SAHD (at least part time)

CoffeandTiaMaria · 15/08/2024 11:48

If he’s a 6 hour drive away I can’t see him having the DCs more than once a month for an hour - a 12 hour round trip is ridiculous.

MounjaroUser · 15/08/2024 11:49

Starlight1979 · 15/08/2024 08:41

OP - why don't you leave the children with him as he's their primary carer and you get your own place?

Honestly if a man had posted he had left his wife who was a SAHM and essentially kicked her out of the house to find somewhere else (when they've got no job as they've been looking after the children!) all hell would break loose! And rightly so!

Oh ffs. Why would she do that? Have you read all her posts?

wrongthinker · 15/08/2024 11:50

Well done for getting away from an abusive partner and securing your family's safety.

Honestly, maybe him being so far away, while upsetting for the kids, will be a good thing in the long run. It will be a big change for them now, but it sounds like the atmosphere at home will be much happier and more stable, which can only be a positive thing. He will need to make the effort to see them, but he's making it clear he is only going to have a distant role in their lives. I'm not sure that's a terrible thing.

mirrensidhe · 15/08/2024 11:54

flapers · 15/08/2024 11:40

Thanks for the positive advice given and people who have shared their own experiences. I think I have got what I need from this thread now, so won't be posting any more responses.

Also, he's agreed to take both for the first visit and I'll keep insisting on that every time.

Looks like you drip fed your way to a a more tolerable set of responses 👏, don't know why some people bother coming on here when they are so sure they are right.

grumpyoldeyeore · 15/08/2024 11:58

It’s not your job to sort his life out for him. Whether he prioritises his dc or himself is on him. He can claim UC, get a job and rent locally. I would work 3 jobs before moving away from my dc. My exH moved away to family and was unemployed. I didn’t claim CM to give him time sort himself out with work and took over all the bills. I was entitled to some UC myself. I let him stay in family home to visit dc and I stayed with my family these nights. This was ok for a while but it had been a shared house so not sure how you would feel about this. It does become an issue after a while as you feel you have no private space of your own. If you could afford it you could offer to pay for Airbnb for him see dc. If you help him out or waive CM set a time limit on it. You do need to be prepared he may walk away and so make arrangements where you don’t rely on him. But it’s early days. At most he will be able to get 1 bed on UC but the kids are little and can manage on sofa beds etc for a night or so a week so it’s not impossible, it’s whether he wants to make it happen. Or whether he chooses a new life for himself away from his dc. I also chose a calm single parent household and that was also the right choice for dc. I do know dads who have made do in tiny flats or flat shares and lived in caravan parks to keep seeing their dc when they had little money. People do find a way if they really want to keep seeing their dc.

Berryshenanigans · 15/08/2024 11:59

I think unless you’ve been a ft sole sahp you can’t imagine how tough it can get. I can’t imagine my partner watch me fail mentally (sudden change of character, shouting etc) and then ripping the rug from under my feet entirely.
I totally understand you feeling the dc aren’t safe but the complete lack of empathy from you about what has happened makes me wonder if you’re actually simply punishing him for not doing whatever you wanted him to do.

This is still the father of your dc. Your dc will know how you treated him one day and it’s worth thinking about. I have answered this exactly how I would if the sexes were reversed.

I think it’s quite cruel it when a man leaves and tries to take all he can get are you being cruel OP? Its ok to leave but at some point you decided this man was worthy of bringing a second dc into the world. In a very short time span you’ve decided it’s best he hasn’t even got the ability to live anywhere near them. I think search for some empathy here whatever your decision, he will have to take time aboit so many decisions whilst grieving at what he has potentially lost. I don’t think that anyone deserves to go from being a sahp to nowhere to live, being told the dc are better off without them and then being told that they’re still doing everything wrong. Having two parents that care about their dc is the upmost importance here.

S00LA · 15/08/2024 12:01

Those of you who are falling over yourself to say that it’s jidy the same as if he was a SAHM at re missing a few facts

  1. he didn’t get pregnant, give birth and breastfeed.
  2. the OP took a year maternity leave with each child, and her youngest is 4, so she’s been at home for 2 of these four years.
  3. the Op has worked Pt for sone of these 2 years
  4. he’s obviously not that committee to his kids, I’ve never heard of a mum who left her two pre schoolers and moved 6 hours away and wanted ton see one of them at a time occasionally,
  5. mums are never “ too traumatised” over a break up to see their kids .
Nanny0gg · 15/08/2024 12:03

flapers · 15/08/2024 07:16

I split up with my partner few days ago. He has been a SAHD between 3-5 days a week since our kids were born, unless I was.on maternity leave.

His response to the split has been to move to his family's place a 6 hour drive away. He said he will stay there and see kids 1-2 times month. For the first visit he's also asked to take just one of them.

Our kids are 2 & 4. Going from so much contact to so little would have a huge impact. Any advice?

I think part of the issue is he doesn't have the finances to get a place near the kids and near his parents, so has chosen the place he feels happier.

legal advice ASAP

And I assume there's no chance of any money from him?

TomatoSandwiches · 15/08/2024 12:03

@Berryshenanigans he lost his job and was a SAHP for 4 months, became abusive after baby no2 who is 2 years old and she has tried to get him help, moved to near family for support, tried therapy..... in what way is that cruel? Sounds like she's taken every reasonable step to help the situation and he's decided to not put in the work along side her.

How much abuse is she supposed to take hmm?

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2024 12:07

Procrastinates · 15/08/2024 08:43

So he moved to an area he had no friends or family in, you used him for childcare until the children were slightly older, brought a house in just your name but strung him along believing it to be a family home and then out of the blue ended the relationship and you're surprised he now can't have his children more when he's homeless and jobless? You sound delightful.

Read the updates?

MyBreezyPombear · 15/08/2024 12:07

S00LA · 15/08/2024 12:01

Those of you who are falling over yourself to say that it’s jidy the same as if he was a SAHM at re missing a few facts

  1. he didn’t get pregnant, give birth and breastfeed.
  2. the OP took a year maternity leave with each child, and her youngest is 4, so she’s been at home for 2 of these four years.
  3. the Op has worked Pt for sone of these 2 years
  4. he’s obviously not that committee to his kids, I’ve never heard of a mum who left her two pre schoolers and moved 6 hours away and wanted ton see one of them at a time occasionally,
  5. mums are never “ too traumatised” over a break up to see their kids .

Regarding 3. he worked pt too, apart from the last 4 months.
Regarding 4. Yes some Mums do, not many but I have seen it happen.
Regarding 5. My Mum was, we were aged 8-12 but she didn't see us for a good year because she couldn't cope with seeing what she 'lost'

Berryshenanigans · 15/08/2024 12:07

@TomatoSandwiches im not saying don’t leave him im saying at some point he wasn’t abusive etc and he suddenly changed and now he’s had his whole life taken away what exactly is she expecting, she seems to expect him to now dance to her tune and he isn’t. A little bit of empathy might allow her to realise he probably is devastated at what’s happened. She doesn’t owe him anything but showing the dc they can split in an amicable way will be better for them whatever the ‘feeling a are between them’

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2024 12:08

mirrensidhe · 15/08/2024 11:54

Looks like you drip fed your way to a a more tolerable set of responses 👏, don't know why some people bother coming on here when they are so sure they are right.

Show quote history

So what has she done that's wrong?

Idontcareforthat · 15/08/2024 12:12

Seriously, he starts screaming at her the day she comes home from hospital and hasn’t stopped since, and OP is wrong for ending the relationship? This has nothing to do with him being a SAHD, that’s irrelevant as seemingly he’d not really been one at this point, so all this ‘poor SAHD, he’s upset’ is a load of shit.

If I’d screamed and shouted my way through two years of a relationship, and not changed despite therapy, I think I’d be very unsurprised my husband said ‘Enough’.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 15/08/2024 12:18

ActualChips · 15/08/2024 08:39

Eh? Why would OP be obligated to house an ex boyfriend?

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You mean, the father of her children who has given up his job to raise them? Would you honestly be saying the same if the sexes were switched?

Nadeed · 15/08/2024 12:37

millymollymoomoo · 15/08/2024 07:40

Well it’s clearly not great and is going to upset the children however is it practically at the moment the only real option if he can’t afford anywhere?

its early days re separation but what’s the plan longer term re him
working, do you own a house? Splitting finances etc if you do?

does he perhaps just need some space for a few weeks to try to figure out what to do ?

o think the answer will depend on those things . Ie if he just needs a few weeks to get his head together you can say dads just having a break, if it will be 6 months but interim you can try to work out better contact schedule and tell them etc

young children are usually very in the moment and literal and while they’ll be upset usually the next minute they’re fine and it’s almost like out of sight out of mind to a degree.

what’s your plan now re childcare ?

Sorry that really is not true. Young children will be hugely affected by this, they just do not show in the same way older children or adults show it.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/08/2024 12:40

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 15/08/2024 12:18

You mean, the father of her children who has given up his job to raise them? Would you honestly be saying the same if the sexes were switched?

Show quote history

Or you could read the OP's posts which make it very clear that both of them took leave/worked part time and the reason he is currently out of work is because he was sacked, not because he sacrificed a career for the OP's career.

If you read them you would know this and know that the time he spent full time at home was four months - rather less than the two periods of mat leave which the OP has spent at home.

Women can't win - try to resolve an abusive relationship in the hope that its a treatable problem and you "can't be that worried" about the well being of the children. Leave and he is the heroic self sacrificing father for taking less time at home than most women take on mat leave.

OP: if he has financial resources abroad is there a reason why he can't capitalise them to buy a home of his own and what is he doing about finding work? The stock response to SAHMs (actual SAHMs who have genuinely given up careers to run the home) is to get off their arses and work. If he is no longer wanting to be involved in caring for his own children, presumably he expects to return full time to work?