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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

SAHD doesn't want to see kids any more

164 replies

flapers · 15/08/2024 07:16

I split up with my partner few days ago. He has been a SAHD between 3-5 days a week since our kids were born, unless I was.on maternity leave.

His response to the split has been to move to his family's place a 6 hour drive away. He said he will stay there and see kids 1-2 times month. For the first visit he's also asked to take just one of them.

Our kids are 2 & 4. Going from so much contact to so little would have a huge impact. Any advice?

I think part of the issue is he doesn't have the finances to get a place near the kids and near his parents, so has chosen the place he feels happier.

OP posts:

GrumpyPanda · 15/08/2024 15:11

DaniMontyRae · 15/08/2024 09:17

Would you be so rude about a stay at home mum? A woman who stopped her career to raise the children and got dumped by her partner and kicked out of the family home with no notice?

As the primary carer, the children perhaps should be staying with him and the OP moving out.

Show quote history

He didn't stop his career and there wasn't "no notice". RTFT.

GrumpyPanda · 15/08/2024 15:15

lololulu · 15/08/2024 09:30

With the money you will be spending on nursery fees for 2 kids full time could you rent him a flat for a short time either 6 months or a year? Your eldest would be in school then.

He should also be able to claim (is it income support?)

At least it would give you both time to think.

For what purpose, so he can claim to be primary carer? He plainly hasn't been so far. And the kids will be better off in nursery than with a shout, sweary, abusive parent.

Nadeed · 15/08/2024 15:43

@DaniMontyRae he is not the primary carer. And a primary carer would not just leave the home and say they will see 1 of the 2 kids in a fortnights time. Most mums who are SAHM fight tooth and nail to keep their kids.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/08/2024 16:21

Berryshenanigans · 15/08/2024 11:59

I think unless you’ve been a ft sole sahp you can’t imagine how tough it can get. I can’t imagine my partner watch me fail mentally (sudden change of character, shouting etc) and then ripping the rug from under my feet entirely.
I totally understand you feeling the dc aren’t safe but the complete lack of empathy from you about what has happened makes me wonder if you’re actually simply punishing him for not doing whatever you wanted him to do.

This is still the father of your dc. Your dc will know how you treated him one day and it’s worth thinking about. I have answered this exactly how I would if the sexes were reversed.

I think it’s quite cruel it when a man leaves and tries to take all he can get are you being cruel OP? Its ok to leave but at some point you decided this man was worthy of bringing a second dc into the world. In a very short time span you’ve decided it’s best he hasn’t even got the ability to live anywhere near them. I think search for some empathy here whatever your decision, he will have to take time aboit so many decisions whilst grieving at what he has potentially lost. I don’t think that anyone deserves to go from being a sahp to nowhere to live, being told the dc are better off without them and then being told that they’re still doing everything wrong. Having two parents that care about their dc is the upmost importance here.

Read the OP.

Our heroric father has been a "SAHD" for a grand total of four months when sacked from his job. Substantially less time than the OP spent as a SAHM which is dismissed because it was mat leave. The rest of the time they were working part time, child caring part time. There is no reason stated why he can't find a new job to replace the one from which he was dismissed.

Another benefit of reading the OP is that you would know that the behaviour started after the birth of the second child and the OP has spent time since trying to help him, going to therapy etc but he refuses to engage with the process and help himself leaving her the choice of staying with an abusive man or separating.

He has elected to move away from the DC and cut them out of his life, the OP is the one trying to continue a relationship between him and the children.

millymollymoomoo · 15/08/2024 16:23

In fairness we don’t know if he went part time when the kids were born to enable himself to look after them 3-5 days or if he already was.

if he did go part time then he’s absolutely impacted his career and earnings, at least in the short term, in the same way op has. Of course, he can now go ft ( as can op) and recover that.

the main issue here to is to try to come to some short /medium term contact schedule and then a longer term one when he’s found employment and his living arrangements are known - and of course encouraged to do so nearer to his children so he can be an active parent

Nadeed · 15/08/2024 16:31

@millymollymoomoo no one is stopping contact. It is the father who initially said he only wanted to see the kids once every fortnight and initially one 1 kid.

BruFord · 15/08/2024 16:37

Sorry if you’ve already said this, but is your current home rented, I.e., when the tenancy ends, you’d all have to move out anyway?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/08/2024 16:55

If he were a good sahd then I'd suggest you temporarily pay for him to rent a room locally so he can still take them in the day.
But it sounds like the relationship has ended due to him screaming, so they will be better off in childcare than with a man who screams at them. Maybe as a visiting dad he will be able to be calmer and kinder and a better dad to them.

millymollymoomoo · 15/08/2024 16:56

@Nadeed i never said they were

but currently he lives 6 hours away as he doesn’t have a job and nowhere to live near his children

and ultimately it would be better for him to get a job and move back. Of course he can’t be forced to but that should be encouraged.

hence I said they need a short term/medium term and long term plan

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 15/08/2024 18:46

C8H10N4O2 · 15/08/2024 12:40

Or you could read the OP's posts which make it very clear that both of them took leave/worked part time and the reason he is currently out of work is because he was sacked, not because he sacrificed a career for the OP's career.

If you read them you would know this and know that the time he spent full time at home was four months - rather less than the two periods of mat leave which the OP has spent at home.

Women can't win - try to resolve an abusive relationship in the hope that its a treatable problem and you "can't be that worried" about the well being of the children. Leave and he is the heroic self sacrificing father for taking less time at home than most women take on mat leave.

OP: if he has financial resources abroad is there a reason why he can't capitalise them to buy a home of his own and what is he doing about finding work? The stock response to SAHMs (actual SAHMs who have genuinely given up careers to run the home) is to get off their arses and work. If he is no longer wanting to be involved in caring for his own children, presumably he expects to return full time to work?

Show quote history

At 08:39, when ActualChips posted their comment, the OP had gone into zero detail about the amount of time each of them had taken off work, why they had taken it/been forced to take it, and her reasons for ending their relationship. I read the thread in the order the comments were posted.

Based on the OP's posts up to that point, it was fair enough to assume that he'd become a SAHD longer than four months ago.

Even with the updates, it's not as simple as him being an "ex-boyfriend", as ActualChips referred to him- he is the father of the OP's children.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 15/08/2024 18:49

HolibobsMum · 15/08/2024 12:42

That's not really the situation though. He didn't give up his job.

They have both previously worked part time and shared looking after the children.
He lost his job a few months ago and so was at home with the kids.
He's been increasing verbally/emotionally abusive since the birth of their second child putting his partner in fear.
She has had to work full time and has been able to buy a house for her and the children.

Show quote history

As stated in my previous reply to another poster, none of that information had been shared when ActualChips posted their comment, which I was replying to. And he's not just an "ex-boyfriend", he's the father of her children.

mouseyowl · 16/08/2024 01:04

When a parent only wants to take 1 child out of 2 or more it's usually to punish the other parent and ensure they have zero childfree time.
I wouldn't dance to his tune on that one.
He needs to have both. His parents can help if he has suddenly decided he can't cope with both his children.

urbanbuddha · 16/08/2024 01:57

Can you set up a regular weekly or bi-weekly zoom call where he catches up with their news and then reads them a bedtime story. Get books from the library in advance so you have a copy in each house.

btw I wouldn’t be handing my children over to be screamed at. It’s very damaging. So he needs to deal with that and show that he’s dealt with it.

autienotnaughty · 16/08/2024 04:03

flapers · 15/08/2024 09:00

Thanks for helping me see from the other perspective. I guess it's tough the alternative of staying together is not a good one either.

Op I think you got a rough deal on here because you didn't mention the abusive behaviour inthe op and you portrayed him as a long term sahd (as opposed to something he's been doing for past few months)

I'd get your house, try to make the transition smooth for dc. And create a lovely home for them.

I'd insist he sees both or none. I'd offer to do 50% of commute. I'd suggest they stay with him one or two weekends a month. And longer in holidays.

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