SAHD doesn't want to see kids any more

[flapers]

I split up with my partner few days ago. He has been a SAHD between 3-5 days a week since our kids were born, unless I was.on maternity leave.

His response to the split has been to move to his family's place a 6 hour drive away. He said he will stay there and see kids 1-2 times month. For the first visit he's also asked to take just one of them.

Our kids are 2 & 4. Going from so much contact to so little would have a huge impact. Any advice?

I think part of the issue is he doesn't have the finances to get a place near the kids and near his parents, so has chosen the place he feels happier.

Did you miss the part about him being abusive? He’s also a grown man and chose to have the two children he created with OP, he can’t just abandon them now that the relationship is over.

Are you happy for him to see the dcs alone? Will he scream at them too?

Maybe the 'updates' should have been in the original post rather than appearing conveniently as the OP wasn't getting the comments she expected!

I think that your title is bit unfair OP.

Hr can’t see the kids more because it’s 6 hours away, he doesn’t have a job yet and the travel will be expensive. Do you really want your kids doing 12 hours travelling regularly ?

My ex moved hours away after we broke up and the reality was that even if he rushed here straight after work, the kids would be asleep or ready to go to sleep.Luckily he eventually moved closer but it didn’t mean more contact - just a much more reasonable travel amount for the kids.

Possibly, but I'm not sure if I can do anything about this. He has the right to see them no? Trying to stop all contact would be very damaging too

I'm baffled by all the people jumping to the defence of the ex partner here, and acting like he is hard done by. He sounds like he became a SAHD because he lost his job. Its not like the OP has forced him into the situation. She is working part time so he could easily work. No one should have to live with someone who screams and shouts at them.

It is fair enough that he has moved to where his family are in the short term while he sorts himself out, but there is no excuse for disengaging the way he seems to have with his DC.

Yep. This in spades.

ADHD is no excuse for awful behaviour. You get help and sort it.
He can't pick and choose between the children - that's awful and very destructive. Frankly if he's happy with this level of favouritism the distance might be a good thing.

He needs to find a job, and support himself. Just like every SAHM is told when the marriage ends.

Re-read the Op. He was working part time. He was being a stay at home dad part time 3-5 days for some of the last 4 years. The Op was home being a stay at home mum during maternity leave for the first child and the second child during those last 4 years.

It is very obvious from the Op that he wasn’t a full time stay at home parent.

Being a full time stay at home parent is a very different scenario.

@flapers give him some time to adjust and get back on his feet. Hopefully things will smooth out and settle into a good arrangement for all soon.

He's so 'abusive' op only mentioned it in the dripfeeds?

So bad she's moaning that he won't be seeing g them enough now?

Nah, doesn't add up.

I think you're in for a shock when it's just you looking after them yourself!

So he was a screamer essentially a emotional abuser infront of the kids, yet you allowed him to be your children's primary caregiver for atleast 2years...sounds like what suits you when it suits you situation here! But the both or none kids thing I agree is not fair! As for moving away I don't think he really has a choice if he's homeless and possibly jobless, what did u expect from him?

It’s clear from your posts he didn’t have the temperament to be coping with the pressures of small children full time. Did he fall into that role due to his inability to earn? I think it sounds like the right decision for your family. He can fall into the role of a Disney dad down the line and you can enjoy bringing someone into family life.

You can't force him to see them more often, obviously, but I do think you should do everything you can to refuse him only seeing one of them at a time. He needs to see them both or not at all. It's awful for him to take one but not the other. What kind of father does that?! I'm horrified.

The OP suggested that he became a screamer once the second child was born. She then probably reasoned that once a routine was established they would fall into a more harmonious arrangement but unfortunately the male couldn’t get his shit together enough to care for his children appropriately. So he was asked to leave.

Did you post about this imminent break up a few weeks back @flapers or am I getting you mixed up with someone else? Either way, well done for getting out of that relationship!

I suspect moving 6 hours away was probably the very much easier option for him - welcoming family, safe, easy, comfy... vs setting up new home alone. Not great for his kids but pretty logical stuff.

I don't agree that seeing one child at a time is reasonable though - because he is not living alone, he will be sharing that childcare time with your childrens grandparent/s!
I don't see how he could ever have been a SAHD and now claim he can't handle two children at once!

You can't make him take the children more. Even the courts can't make him do that. Your previous arrangement with childcare doesn't matter because that was in the context of a partnership and a family. That does not exist anymore. You have to proceed as if it is all on you because it will tbh. Put in a claim for CM. It will increase when he gets a job.

Would you say the same about a full-time SAHM with a partner who has told her to leave?

Such ridiculous bullshit being spouted on here. An abusive man spends four months looking after the kids a few days a week and suddenly the OP has to hand over her house, leave her kids with an abusive man and grovel in the dirt to him?! Fuck right off.

OP please don't listen to the frothing nonsense. He's lashing out because he's lost his support system but you are absolutely not obliged to continue to provide for him in the circumstances. I feel very sorry for your kids but in the long run experiencing an abusive home would be much much worse for them.

@flapers it matters how he behaves with the dcs. It matters hugely.

Of course as their dad he should be involved if he's not abusive.

I'm so sorry you had to endure his horrific behaviour. And it sounds like he's still trying to bullying you by running away and saying he won't see the dcs.

So you buy your new house. Establish what childcare you can sort on the basis of what he's said. Actually, get him to write it in an email or text.

It will be really tough but at least you don't have anyone screaming at you anymore.

OP it’s interesting to see how much of a hard time you are getting from some posters. There have been many posts from unmarried SAHMs recently, where their partner has left. The general consensus seems to be that it’s all their fault for choosing to be financially dependent when not married. And if their DP bought a house in their name only? Again it’s the SAHMs fault for being so naive!

Unfortunately relationships do breakdown and you are perfectly entitled to leave a relationship, the behaviour that you have described is not acceptable and it sounds like you’ve tried to resolve things for years without success.

Your (ex)DPs response of saying that he is now only going to see the kids one at a time seems like it is designed to punish you for not wanting to remain in a relationship with him. (Imagine a mum in that situation saying “fine then, I’ll only see my children one at a time then!”) I personally would say that he either sees them both together or not at all as it will be very damaging for one of your children (who have gone from seeing their Dad every day to suddenly not for several weeks) to be told “sorry Daddy’s only taking your brother / sister today, it will be your time next month”.

I appreciate that moving in with family may seem like the only option financially, but there doesn’t seem to be any reason to only see the children one at a time.

You can’t control his behaviour , all that you can do is rearrange childcare so that you can continue working, and concentrate and supporting your children during this difficult time. And be prepared for him to suddenly want 50/50 once he gets a new girlfriend. Good luck, I hope you and your DC enjoy your peaceful house.

It sounds like you did the best for your relationship and for your children’s relationship with their father. Obviously you would want your children to continue to have contact with their father and he is probably different with them when you are out of the picture. If he’s living with his parents they will be witness to any negative behaviour from him.

I think she'll be pleasantly surprised at how much more peaceful her life will be without a screaming abusive partner around tbh.

They both worked part time, he wasn't forced into a SAHD role until 4 months ago and if he thought of himself as a resident parent he would have taken the children with him.... like mothers do.
Instead he moved away and is now saying he'll only take one child at a time 😂

This guy is a fucking abusive loser who is no dad of the year, he is indefensible.

ADHD doesn’t do much for mood sensitivity. It’s to help focus. (Like glasses for your brain.)

Became a screamer after the second child was born. Reading and comprehension fail on your part, not bad parenting on OP’s.

I would start reading about attachment wounds and attachment injuries, lots of resources online. You’ll need to be solid like a mountain in a storm for your little ones during this time of change.
A lot of the advice will seem obvious, but it will help you to have a map. routine, reassurance, staying calm, lots of cuddles. if and when they act out, getting plenty of support for yourself to help manage that. I believe that’s what you actually wanted help with, how to support your children. Good luck Op, I am sure you have agonised about this decision

Have you asked him why he feels it’s morally acceptable to abandon his children?