SAHD doesn't want to see kids any more

[flapers]

I split up with my partner few days ago. He has been a SAHD between 3-5 days a week since our kids were born, unless I was.on maternity leave.

His response to the split has been to move to his family's place a 6 hour drive away. He said he will stay there and see kids 1-2 times month. For the first visit he's also asked to take just one of them.

Our kids are 2 & 4. Going from so much contact to so little would have a huge impact. Any advice?

I think part of the issue is he doesn't have the finances to get a place near the kids and near his parents, so has chosen the place he feels happier.

You've been working and earning money to buy a house while your husband has been looking after your two very young children? Now you've split up with him, leaving him nowhere to live? Except to move back home? And before that you moved the family yo a place where he had no contacts, no friends or family?
Now you're whining he can't see the kids?

You've behaved despicably. Your poor kids.

Maybe read the op’s updates before you post…

Would you be so rude about a stay at home mum? A woman who stopped her career to raise the children and got dumped by her partner and kicked out of the family home with no notice?

As the primary carer, the children perhaps should be staying with him and the OP moving out.

As a formally shouty sahm, I recognised it wasn’t appropriate and sorted my shit out. It’s really good that you’re taking steps to address this and I wish you well.

But this guy has had 2 years of opportunities to do that, and neither therapy or time apart has made a difference. And while I lost my cool at times, I wasn’t swearing at dc or scaring my partner.

I think you’re going the right thing @flapers

I think the fairer interpretation is that nobody comes out of this particularly well.

With the money you will be spending on nursery fees for 2 kids full time could you rent him a flat for a short time either 6 months or a year? Your eldest would be in school then.

He should also be able to claim (is it income support?)

At least it would give you both time to think.

Good Lord this is a mess.You both need to grow the fuck up.

He and the therapist believe it is ADHD. He has been telling me he has ADHD since we met, but has never got medication. He's keen to try it, but doesn't want to go through the process. I have encouraged and booked a GP appointment, but ultimately he needs to.go through the process himself.

Yes of course he has to recognise it and address it. I was just offering a different perspective.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

Another shouty, angry, possibly abusive dad who can't help it because of ADHD. Sigh.

OP, neurodiversity is no excuse for being an arsehole. Plenty of lovely ND parents who do their best and build good lives for their children without resorting to bullying and scary behaviour.

You're well rid.

It would be lovely to live a perfect life but sadly some things are out of our control.

Perhaps it’s for the best then that he only has weekend contact? If you’re not there whilst he has the children you’ll have no idea how he is behaving.

He's trying to punish you. If he wants to see his kids twice a month then that's on him. However, I wouldn't allow him to take one child Md not the other. He takes both or none. I wouldn't want the kids to resent each other.

Bloody hell, we should be celebrating a woman managing to leave an abusive relationship, not asking if she's really sure and if she wants to try having the cocklodger back again.

OP, you've done the right thing. Up to him to find his own feet now. Regarding seeing the children, decide what contact you think is best for them. He might end up being a Disney dad from a distance, but you'll find your groove over time.

My partner has adhd and even when skipping medication, never rages or raises his voice. Not once in 15 years

Do not accept that as a reason

He screams and shouts because he wants to and he can.

I wouldn’t be keen for him to have the kids, not knowing if he would be shouting/ screaming at them. He needs to sort himself out and being home with family might be best place for him for a while. Don’t push for contact just yet till things settle down a bit. So glad you have removed your kids from this awful atmosphere. Was probably a mistake to call him a SAHD in your post, it got some people all riled up 😢

You did the right thing. You can't carry on with him screaming at you. The children don't need to be exposed to that kind of behaviour. He is no longer a stay at home parent. He is free to work full time and save up for a place. I don't know about only giving him one child at a time though?! Do you think the children will be upset to be separated or not?

That is the worst possible scenario. Taking a man, with no money and capability to earn, forcing him circumstantially to stay at home and now he does not have money nor house nor nothing for nothing.

You missed out the abuse of OP.

That she didn’t include in her OP

You don't need to have a perfect life but you don't buy a house,kick your partner out when they have no income and then moan (when they move back home with family) that they are too far away to have the children.

If he’s seeing one child at a time 1-2 times per month then it could be 2 months before your children see dad.

If seeing dad more frequently is important to you then you should move closer to his home town or agree to travel to his hometown sometimes too. I know you’ve just bought a house but he’s not behaved badly by returning to his hometown- lots of people do this after a divorce . Also travelling 6 hours in a weekend (24 if he’s driving to you, taking the kids to his and dropping them back) is going to be costly whether that’s driving or train. The kids are going to be traveling 12 hours each time - would you want them doing it more than 1-2 times a month ? As you have a child starting school, travelling to dad’s every half term and school holiday (every 6 weeks) might be the least brutal travel pattern so that there’s no rush to be back for Monday school.

More importantly, if he was shouty with you then was he shouty with the kids ? If so, it much be a blessing that he doesn’t see them as much as he will be damaging them less l.

Sounds like a woman who recognised a shitty situation, tried to resolve it and when she realised it wouldn't change, got her ducks in a row and got the fuck out of there. Well done you!

However, he will of had to move in with family to get himself back on track so I don't think you can complain he moved away for now. I wouldn't be accepting him taking just 1 child though, it's both or none. I'd tell him clearly he either takes both children or he doesn't see them. Id also give him some time to sort out the logistics and be reasonably flexible.

You've done the hard bit, you now need to sort childcare out so you can survive without his input if necessary. Support your children through the change but they are young enough to come through it relatively unscathed (mine were 6, 3 and 6 months when their Dad left and they're absolutely fine now at 12, 8 and 6. It was a hell of a lot of drama too for a while).