SAHD doesn't want to see kids any more

[flapers]

I split up with my partner few days ago. He has been a SAHD between 3-5 days a week since our kids were born, unless I was.on maternity leave.

His response to the split has been to move to his family's place a 6 hour drive away. He said he will stay there and see kids 1-2 times month. For the first visit he's also asked to take just one of them.

Our kids are 2 & 4. Going from so much contact to so little would have a huge impact. Any advice?

I think part of the issue is he doesn't have the finances to get a place near the kids and near his parents, so has chosen the place he feels happier.

Did counselling get to the bottom of why his personality changed after the second? Why did you agree/allow for him to be a STAHD if he had such a change of personality when your youngest was born? While the previous post is very black and white I don't disagree either the sentiment. What did you expect to happen when you ended your relationship given that he has no income and no roots in the area you live?

Yep! If she was genuinely concerned about his behaviour she wouldn’t be choosing to subject her children to that.

I have chosen not to subject my children to that by ending the relationship. As I said we tried therapy and moved closer to family support to see if either of those things made a difference. After trying for 2 years without change, I can see an exit so took it.

You could move nearer to his family.
I think you need to give him time to acclimate to the change.

However if he is still stressed and screaming, he shouldn’t be in sole charge of the DC. I was a stressed and shouty parent with no support from DH. I got help. I turned it around. He has choices, as do you.

All in all I think I would embrace the fact an unstable adult has removed himself from the children’s lives.

I think the comments about what is he supposed to do if he doesn't have a job are right. He did have one until recently (we were both part time) but got let go, so I know he'll get another. I supposed I hoped he would go part time again and spend more time with the kids, but I don't know where. I don't want the shouting back at home, so it would need to be on his own turf

So,

• He has no job right now
• He hasn’t got work because he has been SAHD for 4 years
• He isn’t a SAHD now
• He isn’t a SAHD because you ended the relationship and bought a house that he won’t be moving in to.
• So he’s had to move 6hrs away because he will have no income, some savings and couldn’t afford to stay close.

As a former SAHM, I understand the relentless grind, loneliness of it, how unappreciated you feel and how your very identity takes a hit. To think my DH would turn round and end it and buy a new house for him and the kids, leaving me standing, is unthinkable.

OP he’s probably not capable of mentally looking after the kids right now or have the finances to travel. It’s a case of having to take time, find a job etc. Taking one kid at a time is more manageable and you should allow him to do this for a period of time.

Youre only option if you say he isn’t a high earner but you want him to see more of the kids, is to give more when splitting the money do he can afford to stay close or you will have to think about moving closer.

Is it possible to live and rent a home in your area on a part-time income? If it isn’t, then his options are limited. Will you agree for him to be the resident parent and you the non-resident parent, which would entitle him to claim UC and child benefit to top up his income and give him eligibility for social housing? That would certainly facilitate the possibility of him being able to stay local.

@flapers I supposed I hoped he would go part time again and spend more time with the kids.

OP, would your ex be able to work part time whilst living nearer to where kids are so he can see them more and still be able to house himself on part time salary?

He hasn't been a stay at SAHD for 4 years. During that time I had a 2 years of maternity leave and 9 months working 3 days a week. In total he has probably been full time at home for about 4 months

cross posted!

You're right, no. It worked before because we have 2 incomes.

Thanks for helping me see from the other perspective. I guess it's tough the alternative of staying together is not a good one either.

He might be better with one child at a time for now if he is struggling to cope. As long as he takes both equally. However could it actually be he can take one to live with his parents and won't return them? Also could he take them to live in the property abroad?

Perhaps don't push access too much until September when the DC will be settled in school and nursery.

Well done for getting out the situation. It was helping noone staying together. It's his own fault for choosing not to control the shouting. That he left both with you will speak volumes if there's ever a custody issue in future.

Then maybe you should write that in your OP, along with the reasons for the split- rather than reveal more info when you feel the replies aren’t sympathetic

Why doesn’t he take the kids with him?

I am sorry he was shouty (I couldn't cope with shouting no matter, I believe in keeping families together. might even forgive an affair over a shouty person- so that's how much shouting is the antithesis to my being- I am quiet, reserved, rational and very very resilient in almost all other areas incl a high profile, stressful job ), your therapy didn't work; nor changes to move closer to support.

sounds like he struggles with 2 kids at same time. anyway you can have him only looking after 1 at a time?

yes, I agree. if separation is the only option, you need to pay up and ensure he has enough money to continue being a proper dad. however, as someone said, I won't need a shouty person anywhere near my dc. hence back to the Q: is he struggling to deal with 2 kids at same time and can you sort that? it is instructive he is now only wanting to see one child at a time- no parent does that unless he can't cope with 2. s there is your clue. I hope the therapist was able to pick this up, otherwise he/she was rubbish not to see this.

Then I really wouldn’t worry about the impact on the DC of “going from so much to so little”, which was one of your concerns in your OP. It hasn't been “so much” if he’s only been a SAHD for 4 months to your almost three years. They’ll adapt quickly to his not being around so much, and likely settle into nursery or with a childminder fairly easily.

Yeah. My wife shouted at me a lot when the kids were that young and she was a SAHM. You can end a relationship for that reason, but you've treated him very poorly in the breakup, expecting him to service your lifestyle expectations. If the sexes were reversed you would be getting an even tougher ride than you are in these comments. It's been literal days and he said something daft in anger after you shafted him. Let's see how things pan out in a month or two.

I think the reason for some of the replies is that the title insinuate he’s been a SAHD for years when clearly that isn’t the case. I can understand why you’ve ended things but I can also see that at the moment he has nowhere else to go other than his family home which isn’t conducive to childcare given the distance. I think you’re going to have to have a chat with him about how co parenting will work going forwards - it might be uncomfortable but best to be on the same page from the off

JFC Mumsnet is weird sometimes. This woman is financially secure and leaving her verbally and emotionally abusive partner and so many of you are responding telling her that being a SAHD is hard so cut him some slack? Nope.

OP, you're doing the right thing. Look after you and the kids as best you can, and let him figure his own shit out; one of the blessings of not being with him is he is not your problem anymore. Also abuse can begin or escalate during the pregnancy and newborn periods, which is what sounds like has happened here. Moving yourself and your children away from that abuse, which is all one of them has ever known, is the right thing to do.

I think this OP is badly written, which is why replies are so harsh. By the looks of it, since having kids, both OP and her exDP went to 3 days a week, so shared parenting 50%. Recently, he lost his job, so became a defacto SAHP for a short period while looking for a new job. Not a choice for the good of family or to facilitate OPs career. Throughout all of this he has behaved badly to OP, and in front of kids, and after trying to work it out unsuccessfully she decides to stop putting up with his abuse and executed her exit.

She hoped he would get a job on similar terms as before, so they could maintain equal parenting time, but instead he's moved back to his family far away.

OP you've done nothing wrong.

what is clear, both of you are confused- the way you phrased your op only to correct yourself as to true situation and your true concerns.. maybe spend longer than a month apart to see?

Perfectly understandable he moves in with family until he sort himself out. He will need to get a full time job and a place to live.

Very disappointing he is further away and can only see children 1-2 times a month but i can see how that might be only option initially.

Not ok to only take one child, he needs to maximise the visiting time he does have and see both. And once he is settled i would hope he can do at least twicr per month. I think you will both have to work on the travel to make that happen.

I can be a shouty person when my anxiety is raging. I have engaged in therapy and most recently started taking anti anxiety meds. It helps no end. Have you ever helped him to see why he’s shouty? Rage is often a symptom not the disease.