Things I've noticed since the divorce

[TheWestfoldFell]

1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

4. he's a narc

I did that for far too long. I blocked everything out with wine. Literally hit the bottle the minute the clock struck 5pm. One bottle became two.. I had no off switch and it got bad. I knew then I had to get out. You've actually reminded me how bad it got. I never used to drink! It was an emotional crutch paving over the cracks of a very bad marriage. I'm no longer a drinker, I have a hot chocolate in bed every night and sleep so much better. Break the habit before it takes hold.

What a splendid thread 🥰

Never been more happy to be long term single !

No more worrying about his horrible parents being judgmental of me. No more of him smoking weed every day and pretending that was normal.

Sorry you went through that.

My life was similar.

I realised last year when I cooked a roast for the first time since separating that I always used to drink a big glass or two of wine while cooking the roast dinner on a Sunday. It was always tempting to drink more, and it would have been very easy to drink the whole bottle by myself before dinner.

I know now it was a subconscious effort to numb my feelings ready for his complaints when he got home.

Completely teetotal since we split.

Feel this thread is great, and motivation and hope for me.

This is soon to be me. Separating from Husband but still living together after him having 2 affairs and treating me like shit and the skivvy for 10yrs. Very scared at the moment and worried about being on my own, especially as I am now late 40’s, but have moments of reflection when I realise I am on my own anyway despite living together.

I have been daydreaming about having my own place and just having that freedom of not answering to anyone and being stress free and able to relax.

Things I know I won’t miss:

*The mess in the house
*The criticism and put downs
*Being nagged all the time
*The state the bathroom gets left in
*Making me put more in the joint account to cover bills, despite him earning over twice what I do, and leaving me on the bones of my arse and in my overdraft, then him spending £250 a month on clothes and telling me I should use this as ‘motivation’ to get a better paid job
*Doing everything in the house and still getting criticised for it
*Being ignored or shut down anytime I start a conversation about anything
*Him having all his days off as free time and me having to spend mine doing the never ending chores by myself
*Dreading going home each night or him coming home
*Snoring keeping me up all night every night

Not getting woken up at 4am because he wanted to get up early for a run and then having to wake up every 5 mins for 2 hours while he snoozed it

Not having to dread coming to bed and having to fend off unwanted advances

My lovely peaceful evenings watching what I want to in bed

Not having to worry if he's cheating (again)

Losing weight and finally enjoying lots of self care

Having every other Saturday child free now he FINALLY looks after his own children

Finally reconnecting with old friends and socialising again

How proud I feel of myself that I got through the last few months and have come back stronger and happier than I ever was with him

I'm adding to the list again ☺️

Waking up alone isn't so bad! Knowing no one is there next to you ready to satisfy their needs and ignore yours.. who needs that sh*t! Yes he was selfish as well as a cheat.

Being financially better off is another eye opener. I was financially controlled so didn't really have much in my married life. But now I'm in control of all my finances and we want for nothing. Oh and I have yet to take him to the cleaners ☺️

I am not there yet but I am looking forward to

Eating a meal with the kids where we can all talk freely without him dominating the conversation and constantly goading and belittling my daughter.

Not having to listen to him whinge about his job, how he is amazing and everyone else is useless or evil (mostly female colleagues)

No more putting on a happy family show for MIL at Christmas. The endless cooking and catering to every need.

No more hobby stuff left all over the lounge and kitchen.

I could write a novel....

I used to get home first about 6
He would come home at 7 and I now realise I was so tense when he came home.
I would try and make everything nice and quiet.
Run round tidying.
No TV on, or washing machine or anything.
Like a 50s.housewife.

I remember once he was literally dancing with rage over some imaginary slight I had done against him. Honestly, I didn't even know what it was I was supposed to have done. I was so scared that I just 'confessed' and 'admitted it' to keep the peace.

You might say 'you must have done something'. I went over and over it afterwards in my head. I hadn't done anything.

@BELLAARA

It is really scary when you've not instigated the separation.

What you're feeling is totally natural. But you definitely won't always feel this way.

But there are many advantages to leaving man-free, that is for sure!

Exactly the same. It's like a holiday for me when he's not here, same level of work to do around the house but so much easier to do it, everyone more relaxed, kids and me able to sit in the living room and chat instead of finding other places in the house to get away from the incessant shouty football/politics podcast rubbish on tv.

Also, hilarious to see that other husbands sit and watch cookery programmes. Is this a typical trait of the useless partner? Mine hasn't cooked a meal in 17 years, and sits there balancing a pot noodle on his bell while watching Masterchef. Wtf.

He balances it on his belly, not his bell. Christ! What a thought! Ha ha! Work mates wondering why I'm sniggering 😆

@WinkyTinky sadly my EH was a brill cook before the alcoholism took hold.
Our DD recognised all the top chefs of the day (as he wouldn't let her watch CBB's).
Your comment about your ex & the pot noodle did make me laugh though!
@BELLAARA - please please take comfort from everyone who has got out; you will be finally emotionally, physically, spiritually and prob financially FREE.

I haven't yet mentioned the 'diy' undertaken by ex, against my express wishes and pleas.

Ex was spectacularly untalented and unskilled at diy. Most people, if they want to do diy would plan it, perhaps watch some YouTube videos on how to do things, maybe consult with an expert on big things. Not ex. He already knew it all, you see - he didn't need any help because he was very clever.

By the time I had got him to leave, my house had walls part knocked down, walls with half-stripped wallpaper, leaking toilet and bath. I had to get the whole house rewired because he had made it dangerous.

It's so lovely to sit in a room that doesn't have holes in the walls and half -painted surfaces. If I need something doing I act like a normal human and get quotes from people who actually know how to do repairs and redecoration. Bliss.

he he made me chuckle at work too :-)

This is hilarious 🤣

@bringoutthebranston @Royaly82 Oh lord I am still laughing now!!! 😂

I don't dream of being divorced, but I do sometimes daydream about being alone in my own home. I think that's because I have never lived alone.
But for that to happen I'd have to go through some very traumatic things as I have two disabled adult dds living at home, and can't really see both of them moving out.
I always picture my little house being right by the sea.

These type of thread are always good fun to read.

As soon as the stepdaughter obtained UK citizenship I was down to the solicitors to file for divorce. Reasons I gave were:

Abandonment of children (aged 3 and 11 at the time) by visiting their native country whilst I was working outside the UK. My parents looked after them more than ex.

Abuse of trust. I added partner to my credit card, but the 5K limit was bust regularly.

They hit their daughter regularly when I was out of sight.

if I buy myself a treat it remains there til I want it instead of mysteriously disappearing into his fat gut
😂😂

Ahhh! Do you all starfish in a double bed too??? I’m happily marriage but that sounds bliss 😂😂

It’s been a while but …

• happier children
• still doing absolutely everything but not being told I’m shit at everything
• no dealing with his sulking as I didn’t want to have sex with him
• nobody scrutinising bank/credit card statements
• no weird in-laws
• sleeping so much better - he was up and down all the time. I don’t think he ever slept through the night and complained that I snored. I always thought it was just sleep jealousy!
• nobody taking credit for everything that I do!

There hasn’t been a day when I’ve actually missed him!

I remember the relaxation and the peace. Bliss.

Oh yes;
Life was cheaper without him spending money on a whim.
I had control of the remote.
House was cleaner and quieter.
I was able to plan and manage the house, DS etc much better.
Less violence.
DS thrived.