Things I've noticed since the divorce

[TheWestfoldFell]

1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

4. he's a narc

It's so interesting that many of the responses include having more disposable income - even though you're missing an entire other person's salary. What do these men spend money on!?

Oh, um… my house is way messier, have far less money, no holidays, eat less healthier and I miss his family.

But, I’m not being called a bitch and being told to rot in hell in front of my DC, and don’t feel I have to hide away in a separate room, so, worth it!

My ExH over inflated the finances I think. I was handing over 800 a month from my wages plus the tax credits, DLA and Child benefit. Still wasn't ever enough for him to "manage the house and keep things ticking over" as he called it

Peace and quiet in the house.
No more burping, farting and general noise (him), and no more sighing about said burping and farting or constant headaches (me).
Just a general feeling of being lighter and no more walking on egg shells, and a feeling of enjoying being me, in my own space/home and being ok with that.

That's the worrying bit, isn't it. How can you have MORE money on a single income than you did on a "joint" income? Turned out my ExH was putting his salary in his own bank account but mine was going into the joint account to pay the mortgage and all the other bills. 🤔

No-one complaining I spend too much time on my phone and all they see is My nose in a screen, in that brief 20 minute respite i get between putting child to bed and cleaning up the house/ getting ready for next day .... especially when they're glued to theirs from wake up to bedtime.

No more dirty socks left all over the house.

No more tools/hedge trimmers etc left out in the garden whilst it rains and ruins them

No more "Where did YOU put ..." when he can't find HIS lanyard/coffee cup/charger/ipad/keys that he dropped in a random place after work

No more "why haven't I got any clean work clothes???" at 6:15am whilst he's scrabbling around his 'floordrobe' of clean and dirty clothes and no more having to answer with the same reply of "because, if they're not in the washing basket, they don't get washed."

No more random drawers or cupboard doors left open.

Some days are a little tougher, but above all I absolutely adore my house. Put a lot of time into re-furbing it. It's clean, open, very, very calming. Can't wait to get home after work! My safe space.

1. Skid marks in your bed?! That alone is reason for divorce 😮

It's mental how many women report of their OHs Ex OHs being a skidmarker 🤣🙈🙈

No more annoying fucking beepy phone games or random blaring TikTok's or YouTube vids

Clean house stays more or less clean once I've done it

No more random crap on the stairs or clean laundry ignored and piled up

Recycling and bins easily emptied when they need to be (because I just do it, instead of waiting for him to do 'his' job, that never got done, so I ended up doing it seething once it had been piled high or pushed down and split the bag and he was still ignoring it)

Clean bathroom, no beard trimmings or skids waiting for the toilet fairy to clean

More money

No more walking on eggshells

Kids are calmer because no unpredictable moods or changes to our nice routine

No more wasted food. I cook what I know we need, things stay in the fridge or cupboard so my meal plans work, if I buy myself a treat it remains there til I want it instead of mysteriously disappearing into his fat gut

No disturbed nights by his phone constantly pinging that he refused to silence (because he could sleep through it but knew I couldn't)

Feeling of freedom. I'm only accountable to myself. If I've done everything the kids need, I don't need to check in with or be responsible for anyone else

I no longer had to
Listen to his boring as fuck entitled family
Listen to him going on about everything under the sun
Force myself to have sex with him.

This was my situation, there was nothing 'joint' about our joint account, my salary paid for everything. When I got a bonus at work he asked how much I wanted from it, whatever my response was he halved it and said the rest can go into savings. I paid for holidays, clothes for DS, bills (oh sorry he paid the council tax), my stepsons car.. which incidentally he didn't maintain and had to be scrapped after 2 years. Now I have less disposable income as I pay a hefty mortgage so EXH can live in our former family home mortgage free.. he worked cash in hand so didn't declare his earnings during the divorce so I am sure he was syphoning off into a savings account.. BUT I am soooo much happier and don't have to ask when I want to buy a toilet freshener 🙄

None of my friends have to endure the sight of him wearing only Tweetie Pie boxers when they turn up at the front door.

There's no smell of back sweat on my sofa cushions.

Noxious farting has been reduced to normal levels.

I never have to worry myself silly about having "misremembered" conversations.

Thankfully I never married the idiot or had children with him, but the things that stood out to me when me and my ex split up was:

• the house was a lot tidier, despite it apparently being me that's the messy one
• food tasted a lot nicer when I got to choose what I was eating rather than being told
• my friends and family were all still there for me, even though I'd disappeared from their lives for a few years (but of course saw all of his friends and family regularly)
• my confidence in "real life" was as good as my confidence at work. I realised I'd become a shell of myself at home, but my true self at work. Family saw a massive change in me, but none of my colleagues did.
• I didn't spend so much time at work as I didn't need to avoid going home any more.

The moment the penny dropped that I needed to get out was when he went away for work for 3 days. I had such a brilliant time on my own, in control of my own life, and I absolutely dreaded him coming home. I think I lasted about 2 weeks after that before I broke it off, but even he saw it coming and wasn't surprised.

I now own the business that he used to work for and flunked out of when he was younger. That, to me, is the ultimate fuck you to him! 😂

Oh my word ladies, you’re selling this to me.

I need to take the first step soon. I cant be living with his grumpiness anymore. He’s mean to the kids. Gives me the silent treatment almost on a daily basis nowadays but pretends everything is fine and dandy if I ask what’s up. I’ve stopped asking and his silent treatment has increased. He literally views me as a household appliance or a sex object. Over it. Lining up my ducks.

Lining up ducks took me a while, but the last two years has so been worth it 🥰

See you on the other side (🤝)

No more groping or badgering for sex.
No more enduring sex just to stop him sulking and pouting
Able to access the laundry basket as it no longer has his suit draped over it all weekend, which he would then hang up on Monday when he got the new one out!
No more piles of unironed shirts awaiting his attention (I didn't iron them correctly)
No more pile of correspondence sitting on the table awaiting his attention and then being accused of hiding it when I got sick of it and filed it in the LABELLED files in the office that HE'D set up.
I could go on .....

oh god yes @Shodan the "misremembered" conversations...I had got to a point where I could barely trust my own thoughts the gaslighting was so bad, but now I just grey rock when there's a "misunderstanding" or "that wasn't what I said"...training DS not to keep doing it (because of course he copied his dad thinking it was normal 😔) is the next challenge...

Thanks.
I absolutely get you.
Good for you! 😊

No more being hurt "accidentally", being kicked really hard when he says he's asleep, pushed past so hard I fall, accidentally sitting next to me and pushing his fist into my stomach, all 18 stone of him.
No being ashamed when he said rude or embarrassing things to the kids teachers.
No being afraid to be seen with him as he made it clear he was ashamed of me.
Now I can eat more than half an orange for breakfast as he had me believing we had no money.
I can buy clothes for the kids whenever I want, without begging old stuff off friends. I don't have to ask to buy pants, everyday pants, and prove they have
No more stinking snake oil hair regrowth stuff, or hair dye hidden in shampoo bottles, spray on hair staining my pillows.
I have a car. He cant sell it and keep the money.
He had a really good job but I had no money, nothing. My family bought me vouchers for birthdays/Christmas so I could buy clothes for myself.
I can be ill and not have him mad at me.
The kids bring friends home whenever they want.
I pay for everything, have the kids 24/7 as they refuse to see him but we have more money to do what we want and its calm and happy. I have more money now I'm living on the absolute breadline than I ever had with him as a high earner.

I could have a radical hysterectomy without worrying about how it would affect HIS sex life.

my heart was singing the other day when I could binge watch all the Brigerton series without interruption or being ask to do something... when I get a moment... then being asked again 5 mins later 😖

No more running back to the house after I'd left it in the morning to double, triple check that I'd put the bins out / wiped the surfaces / whatever, in case I hadn't and he yelled at me.

No more mystery illnesses.

No more being judged constantly for every single little thing.

No more coming home to find that he'd made a complete war landscape of the kitchen cooking one of his pointless 'fancy' meals for a friend, but not tidied it up ofc. (If I did the same, I'd never hear the end of it).

No more questioning my sanity bc he lied so much about everything, from the smallest pointless shit to really enormous stuff.

No more lending him money bc he couldn't manage what he earned.

No more hearing him brag to his friends and people he wanted to impress about this amazing thing he'd done, when I knew what absolute bullshit those stories were.

No more making myself smaller and smaller and quieter and quieter; no more being so on edge constantly that I hadn't even noticed it until he was gone.

No more being bored to shit by his pointless, half-baked opinions on music, politics, veganism, AI, etc etc.

Eating what I want, when I want.

Knowing that I am actually loved and loveable.

Feeling like a sexual being again.

House is actually tidier, lovelier, I can actually relax in it. (An earlier poster put it as 'carpets, not eggshells' which is perfect).

Being able to get a nice takeaway (with meat in!), eat it in front of a film of my choice (trashy/arthouse, just not another bloody Marvel thing), pet my new cat, lie on the sofa in the evening light reading on my kindle, bliss bliss bliss.

Sending 💐🍾

I am taking great inspiration from all of this! Been trying to find a way out for several years, and everything mentioned in this thread are all the things I have fantasised about. I have so many plans for decorating the house, buying new furniture, and generally feeling as if I can love my home instead of dreading going there every day after work.

I thought it was only me who clung on to the edge of the bed every night. It's not to avoid unwanted advances, he hasn't tried anything on in 13 years. It's to keep as far away as possible from him, trying not to roll into the cavern he creates in the mattress, to minimise the sound of the snoring (which obviously doesn't work) and to be able to breathe the small amount of fresh air remaining in the room after he has breathed his stench out all night. In fact, I have had to have physio for the past year or so as my right hip is in so much pain from lying on one side all night every night.

I can't wait for the moment things start to get better.

Well done to all of you already enjoying your much improved lives.

Big hugs and 💐🍾 you'll get there. Start putting ducks in order. Make a list. Get a lockable filing box, keep important documents in there etc