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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Things I've noticed since the divorce

458 replies

TheWestfoldFell · 08/07/2024 07:01

  1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

  2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

  3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

  4. he's a narc

OP posts:
Jas683 · 17/04/2025 17:30

BigBoysDontCry · 11/04/2025 23:19

Glad to hear all the updates, yes, it's tough at times and I don't see anyone being flippant, we are all aware that beneath everything there are big life changes but it's also okay to find joy in things along the way and after.

What I'm enjoying is that although it's a lot of work still trying to get the house how I'd like it after a lot of neglect and it's mostly just me and my eldest living here. He's autistic, suffers from extreme social anxiety, can be mute under pressure and doesn't communicate much. He's not currently working but I think helping me is helping him. He rarely ever volunteers communication, he'll answer questions (well, not always with an actual answer...) but doesn't initiate conversation. However, he's actually asked me more than once, what's the next job we are doing. I try to keep my excitement down and just talk about what things we still have to do, but it brings a tear to my eye that he not only wants to help but he's able to ask. Sounds stupid but it feels a lot! Ex never offered to help, never just initiated jobs or had conversations about what needed done.

Anyway, this week I've had annual leave to use up and the weather has been good so we've pressure washed the paths and driveway, painted garden furniture, bought plants and planted up the pots and had some nice walks and food out. I've also colour ordered the contents of my wardrobe 😂

I think we are back to clouds, rain and cooler days next week so it's back to indoor jobs. Painting the last few of the downstairs rooms is on the agenda.

Best wishes to all

I love this post, simple but inspirational.

Babysteps123 · 17/04/2025 17:58

MiddleAgedMary · 17/04/2025 17:17

Oh my goodness yes what you describe as how things were for you is EXACTLY the same for me. I’m in the process of splitting. The relief will be incredible but I’m sad too.

Show quote history

I'm sad too. Especially for our son. But I have given 8 years of my life to this relationship, which has got worse in recent years rather than better, and I now fully realise that I can't do or give any more without losing myself completely. But I'm sad to lose the family unit I wanted my son to grow up in.

QueensOfTheVolksAge · 17/04/2025 18:49

PfishFood · 17/04/2025 15:06

You've just hit on something that I'd totally forgotten about when I split with my ex.

In the 4 years I lived with him, my parents (who lived 70 miles away) never once came to stay, even when we had a 3 bedroomed house with a spare bed.

The minute I moved into my tiny 1 bedroomed flat, they used to come for entire weekends, happily sleeping on a sofa bed in my lounge (I did offer my bed but they refused).

It was then that I realised how much they didn't like him but had never told me.

I'm gutted I missed valuable time without them, but it's now 20+ years later and we're still very close. Now I'm with DH they still come and stay for the whole weekend and DH chats to my Mum as if she was his own mum. DM loves it! There are some times I think she loves him more than me!

Just before me and my ex split up, he went away for work for a week. That week gave me the strength I needed to know that we had to break up. I had such a happy week I cried at the thought of him coming home. We broke up a week or so after his return.

You'll feel so much lighter, happier and relaxed I'm sure!

Show quote history

Love it, this is similar to me. After deciding to travel for a month with the kids alone, I ended my marriage within a few weeks of returning. It was the break and the catalyst I needed so badly. I believed in myself as well, more, after travelling solo!

I'd urge anyone reading this, to try a temporary break from seeing your partner. It often gives you the space and freedom to really think and make choices without the daily bullshit getting in the way and clouding the waters. Not necessarily a holiday, just time away, at a friend's or parents house or just a Travelodge down the road. It might be all the space you need to begin setting yourself free.

rockingbird · 17/04/2025 19:47

hildabaker · 17/04/2025 17:07

What always amazes me is that they often find a new woman to put up with them. And I just don't believe that these men suddenly change and become kind and thoughtful. I actually do feel sympathy for the poor soul that thought she was so lucky to meet my ex. He is good looking and seems ok at first. I absolutely know that 3 years down the line, he has shown his true colours. I know this like I know my own name. Poor her.

My ExH actually hid he was dating .. I couldn’t believe it! He’s massively overweight, practically bald and drinks like a fish and passes out mid sentence and snore like a hog 😂 I can’t imagine what she see in him! Seems to have fizzled out, did amuse me though. He’s a business man pretending his wealthy until you scratch the surface-presumably that came through and she though sod this lol

Tatiepot · 17/04/2025 20:43

@Babysteps123 yes, yes, yes I know that feeling exactly; the subtly coercive huffing and sulking that directed how our days went...and your dear boy asking if you are "allowed" to have lunch now, bless him...since being on my own with DS even though I am Ms Sensible when I need to be, generally I am much more of a fun parent, we do what we want to do when we want to do it...and if that means breakfast for tea, or spontaneously deciding to go somewhere or do something, that's what we do.

DS is blossoming as a result, and his lovely happy clever-clogs character is shining through in a way it hasn't for years. We are both so, so much happier.

Babysteps123 · 17/04/2025 21:00

@Tatiepot that's wonderful to hear and both you and I and our sons sound like fairly similar characters, so it gives me lots of hope. Can I ask how old your son was when you split and how it affected him at the time? My biggest concern is the damage our split may do to our son, who has a very loving relationship with his dad in spite of everything.

And, to get back to the theme of the thread, I am really looking forward to only buying and preparing food for my son and I. Taking a very low-key picnic with us today was so fun and easy, but never would have been considered 'lunch' by my STBX, so we would have had to buy something out or rush home to start preparing a proper lunch in addition to the picnic. And in the back of my mind I'd be planning it while we were out, so that I wouldn't get caught out without a plan, which just kills the joy...

gardenfairywithattitude · 17/04/2025 21:02

mt9m · 08/07/2024 09:52

Makes you wonder why people choose to remarry!

Because we're older and wiser and make better choices the next time !

ForgettingMeNot · 17/04/2025 22:39

TooMuchRedMaybe · 08/07/2024 08:14

@FunLurker omg yes, the in-laws. Such a bonus to not have to deal with!

I on the other hand now get on great with my in laws as he’s not medalling and causing non existent issues.

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