Things I've noticed since the divorce

[TheWestfoldFell]

1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

4. he's a narc

I’ve only just told him I want a divorce and he’s sticking to his promise of being unkind if we seperate and bombarding me with horrible messages and smearing me to others. I’m rising above it and not retaliating at all.

He is out today and I’ve got some time to myself. I’ve danced. I’ve sang. I’ve eaten well. I’ve exercised. I feel joy. I feel strength. I feel more free already.

Im hoping there will be more of this once we are out the other side.

Well done, SHP! More fun & joy for you in future!

Yup, I know he’ll tell everyone that I’m “mental”…

Yes. Of course you are mental. How could leave HIM?! 🙄

I’m now midway through the move… got the keys to my rental place this week and moving while he’s working away. Today has been a BUSY day… and tomorrow will be just as busy or more so, there’s so much to do 🙈 And then tomorrow night I somehow have to tell him which I am in absolute denial about… I keep saying I’m not ready to decide how/what I will say but I’m nearly out of time. There’s no way i could do it face to face so it’s going to be an email which I know some people are horrified by, but I know it’s the only way I can really do it. Hoping to get a but more sleep tonight than I did yesterday, but not counting on it…

Stay strong, you are doing amazingly well. Each step forward is closer to peace. It will be tough but once you get past these days it will be better. Keep focusing on your happy future. Hope it all goes well 🫂

I hope you've had a productive day @herethereandeverywhatnow and the telling part wasn't as awful as you'd thought.

Ha! another mental one here. To the extent he ‘interviewed’ my friends and family because he was so concerned. Didn’t like it when I told him that it was whilst I was ‘mental’ ie had anxiety that I stayed and once I started on medication and getting counselling I felt I could leave.

Thank you so much @BigBoysDontCry and @Hall84- I did the moving out over 2 days as he was away, day 1 felt almost fun, day 2 was hardcore and I carried the last boxes up to my new flat at 11pm.
Telling him was horrendous, and I’m really struggling now as the person I had this lengthy (open, honest, weirdly calm despite being extremely upset) conversation with is not the person I have been living with for the last 13 years - I feel like it’s the first time we have really spoken in years.
So I’m still waiting for the peace, surrounded by boxes and chaos …and still navigating the worst bits, as we will need to see him over the weekend as he is dying to see the children. I’m going to start my own thread as realise this isn’t really for this thread!!

Been reading through this thread since yesterday and it has given me so much hope. I'm not out yet but we've agreed to separate and I'm in the process of sorting everything so that we can. I'll be moving out and buying somewhere new, so unfortunately that doesn't happen overnight (but fortunately we have a spare room, so I'm not in the worst position). Slowly telling friends and family but haven't told our 5-year-old yet, which I'm dreading.
The last 24 hours I have had a preview of life beyond (stbx is away and my son stayed the night with my parents), and it's been awesome!
-I sat in the sun in our garden for 20 mins and just listened to the birds and smiled at the sun.
-I had a bath at 5pm, just because I wanted to, with no judgement from anyone.
-I ordered a takeaway just for myself and thoroughly enjoyed it. It was enough for lunch today as well, so no extra cooking.
-I had a long chat with a friend on the phone, just because I wanted to.
-I cleaned all the kitchen surfaces knowing that they would still be clean (and visible) today.
-I slept in my actual bed rather than on the sofa bed.
-When my parents dropped my son off I invited them in and there was no rush for them to leave, which was lovely, so we all sat in the garden and it was so relaxed.

I have literally been smiling, singing, practically floating around the house and enjoying my freedom so much. It all comes to an end tomorrow, but I have seen a glimpse of my future and this is going to spur me on to get there!

That all sounds lovely @Babysteps123 . Divorce is sad no matter the reason but hopefully it won't be overly stressful. It does take a while though so be prepared.

Similar. STBXH took DC out in retaliation to punish me. Think he thought I’d be sad and lonely.

I’ve had a lovely evening. When he’s out I sing, dance, clean, feel lighter. Just knowing no one is suddenly going to burst in and create a dark ominous cloud is lovely.

Thank you. Yes, I know it won't be easy, but we made the decision back in November and are still living together (not married) and stbx is not working at the moment (his choice, taking a career break) so I never ever get any time at home alone, so it's been a wonderful break.
But apologies if I sounded a bit flippant about it all. I know none of this is fun. It's been a really rough few months, so I just wanted to share a brief positive moment amongst the gloom.

There is no guilt in seizing the pure joy amongst the shit that is divorce x

It’s my first night without the children after leaving partner/family home juts over a week ago. It’s been a rough day (as we met for lunch for a big talk today which was really hard) so what did I do with my Friday night? Well, I went to see a weird indie subtitled film all by myself, pootled round the shops afterwards (despite it being past the DCs dinner time… but not my concern today) then got home and made a ridiculously complex dinner which I ate watching tv. I am feeling absolutely done in tonight, but so glad I’ve reminded myself how much I absolutely love going to the cinema… I’ve already made a list of films I want to go and see next from the trailers :)

you didnt sound flippant. You sounded joyful. But it's your life and if you wanted to be flippant it's okay!

I am 4 years down the line and still noticing things.

i realised recently i can go to bed and know I will actually be able to sleep because I don’t have a man child next to me insisting we have the lights on.

also another thing. When we went on holiday he’d always manage to find ample time for himself. Obviously it’s nice to do things for yourself but he’d escape parenting for the whole day by doing so then get annoyed when I wanted to spend 20 minutes looking round a shop alone. Inevitably he’d send a crying child in looking for me.

Anyway myself, the kids and my mum have just returned off holiday today. I can’t remember how we got onto the topic but I said to my mum how it was nice that I felt it was a proper family holiday and how she didn’t spend every minute trying to get away from us which is what exh did. Obviously I’m very grateful for my mum, and she could go off every day by herself if she wanted. On Wednesday when I was a bit frazzled she watched the kids for 45 minutes while I looked round the shops then all was good after. That’s all I ever wanted from exh. A short break from parenting.

Anyway my mum laughed. She said “well that’s not really the point of the holiday is it. I’m here to help not go off and do my own thing all the time”.

Shame my exh never had this attitude…

Glad to hear all the updates, yes, it's tough at times and I don't see anyone being flippant, we are all aware that beneath everything there are big life changes but it's also okay to find joy in things along the way and after.

What I'm enjoying is that although it's a lot of work still trying to get the house how I'd like it after a lot of neglect and it's mostly just me and my eldest living here. He's autistic, suffers from extreme social anxiety, can be mute under pressure and doesn't communicate much. He's not currently working but I think helping me is helping him. He rarely ever volunteers communication, he'll answer questions (well, not always with an actual answer...) but doesn't initiate conversation. However, he's actually asked me more than once, what's the next job we are doing. I try to keep my excitement down and just talk about what things we still have to do, but it brings a tear to my eye that he not only wants to help but he's able to ask. Sounds stupid but it feels a lot! Ex never offered to help, never just initiated jobs or had conversations about what needed done.

Anyway, this week I've had annual leave to use up and the weather has been good so we've pressure washed the paths and driveway, painted garden furniture, bought plants and planted up the pots and had some nice walks and food out. I've also colour ordered the contents of my wardrobe 😂

I think we are back to clouds, rain and cooler days next week so it's back to indoor jobs. Painting the last few of the downstairs rooms is on the agenda.

Best wishes to all

All I’ve done is the the first application, held my dignity in the face of him sharing his false narrative with anyone who will listen and hold a firm boundary around his verbal abuse but my moments of joy and peace are bliss. I’m dancing and singing again. I’m laughing out loud at comedy.

There are moments I’m on the floor, and he is out for blood, he’s trying to hurt me and succeeds often, there is worse to come and I’m scared about money, but zero regret!

I am feeling more myself and more clear headed all the time (in between him upping the ante and going for the jugular).

my moments of joy and peace are bliss. I’m dancing and singing again. I’m laughing out loud at comedy.

Hang on in there and grey rock as much as you possibly can so he can't get to you. The above quote will be your every day life soon.

You've just hit on something that I'd totally forgotten about when I split with my ex.

In the 4 years I lived with him, my parents (who lived 70 miles away) never once came to stay, even when we had a 3 bedroomed house with a spare bed.

The minute I moved into my tiny 1 bedroomed flat, they used to come for entire weekends, happily sleeping on a sofa bed in my lounge (I did offer my bed but they refused).

It was then that I realised how much they didn't like him but had never told me.

I'm gutted I missed valuable time without them, but it's now 20+ years later and we're still very close. Now I'm with DH they still come and stay for the whole weekend and DH chats to my Mum as if she was his own mum. DM loves it! There are some times I think she loves him more than me!

Just before me and my ex split up, he went away for work for a week. That week gave me the strength I needed to know that we had to break up. I had such a happy week I cried at the thought of him coming home. We broke up a week or so after his return.

You'll feel so much lighter, happier and relaxed I'm sure!

@PfishFood yours made me teary. I'm so happy you've got the husband you deserve and your mum as the SIL she wanted. They aren't handled this perfectly by not interfering and letting you find your way.

Someone very special met my now ex h ten years ago and knew instantly he wasn't good enough, was controlling and just outright awful. I only found out they felt like this recently and asked why they didn't say anything. They said I had to find out for myself. I understand why they stayed quiet, and I don't think I would or could have left even if they'd spoken up, but part of me wishes they had. But I don't blame them and thankfully I'm divorced now and days away from never having to see ex h again. As for the someone special..😍

@PfishFood
Thank you for sharing this, I can totally relate.
A bit different, but even today, I took my son out to a park and we took a little picnic with us. My son asked when we would be allowed to have lunch and I happily said to him 'anytime', so we decided to have it then and there. My STBX is not overtly controlling (although he's very moody) but having the freedom to make small decisions like that without second-guessing whether I might make the 'wrong' choice is something I find strangely delightful. And the same applies to inviting people over, having family to stay etc., it will just be so much easier without his moods dictating whether it was the right thing to do or not. Or whether I'm able to enjoy it with no repercussions.
Bring it on!

It's amazing how so many things others have said then triggers memories. I can remember when my boys were young and if we were going to something that ex was clearly not fancying doing, he'd try to find some reason to punish one of the kids not to go so he could then say for me to take the other with me and he'd stay home with the "naughty" child :(. I didn't fall for it btw, even if it would end up going without him and causing an argument. He once tried to get out of a few days at Disney in Paris because youngest had hurt his ankle so he offered to stay home and for youngest not to go.

Every day that goes by I realise what a lazy shit he was. 10 months since he has gone and with DSs help I'm starting to feel proud of my house and what we've achieved. I can remember even when we moved into our first joint house about a year after our wedding (we were living in my flat before that). As it was a bigger place, I really wanted to get into a good cleaning routine and so the first Saturday morning I was getting on with hoovering and he asked me what I was doing as it looked fine. That was a recurring theme over the years and then he'd complain that the house was a shithole (it wasn't, just not immaculate) whilst doing fuck all himself. I mean, I had a full time job (earning double what he did), did all the school drop off and pick ups, 80% of activities after school, of which there were many..., all the food shopping, cooking etc etc etc.but somehow all the house maintenance was also my responsibility. He did the bins, the dishes and cut the grass and the ironing which was mainly his, poor man must have been exhausted. The boys ironed their own stuff when they started high school.

So, if I feel like hoovering my bedroom at midnight then I can do as it's up to me and there isn't some moany faced git having an opinion about it.

What always amazes me is that they often find a new woman to put up with them. And I just don't believe that these men suddenly change and become kind and thoughtful. I actually do feel sympathy for the poor soul that thought she was so lucky to meet my ex. He is good looking and seems ok at first. I absolutely know that 3 years down the line, he has shown his true colours. I know this like I know my own name. Poor her.

Oh my goodness yes what you describe as how things were for you is EXACTLY the same for me. I’m in the process of splitting. The relief will be incredible but I’m sad too.