Things I've noticed since the divorce

[TheWestfoldFell]

1. My house (I managed to buy a little home) is much cleaner and tidier despite the ikea boxes

2. I spend a lot less money on groceries AND my work lunches come out of this

3. my kids are a lot more chatty and animated when they are with me (50/50)

4. he's a narc

Clean and tidy house - always.
Bathroom/toilet much easier to clean
Kitchen - only necessary utensils, pots and pans used. Previously, all of them were left scattered all over the kitchen on unclean surfaces.
All shoes on the shoe rack unless they're on my feet.
No floordrobe in the bedroom/lounge/hallway
The cat is happier 🐱
I can watch what I want on TV when I want, uninterrupted.
Much less laundry and housework in general

Lots to be said for it ladies.😄

@Ouchfuckingouchmyarse hit the nail on the head - the amount of compromise you need to live with another person. Sometimes it's hard.

Bless you. You sound well rid. Best wishes for the future 🌺

lol. I sympathise. You can feel as if you have lost 2 or 3 stones in weight - even if you’re not overweight! 😊

I feel like starting a new thread about how, even though you may not be wishing your DH dead, you really appreciate time alone in your own home.
I get 2 days ( 4-6 hours) twice a week on my own and it actually keeps me sane. I can’t wait for him to leave the house on these two days. No, I don’t want him to drop dead but if he did I’d be fine….

1. running a house on one income and still having money left over. Yet on 2 we never did

2. being able to buy whatever I want without feeling guilty. Even though he spent what he wanted when he wanted

3. not being put down in front of others just to make a conversation

4. getting up and going out on a weekend to do what I want, and not having to wait till gone mid day for him to get up to say he doesn’t want to do anything

5. no pressure to have to cook a decent tea every night.

I think I’m in the minority because I still talk to my in laws 😂

Oh my, almost everything that so many people in there have said. I've been able.to.ger a TV, and go to the cinema or go out for the day somewhere I want to go, people have invited me.to.stay spontaneously. i could.visir my parents regularly and spend time with them. I have been able to get rid of no end of his hoarded possessions that he left, but in the end wouldn't take.
I was able to get a new floor and doors without holes, new windows to replace single glazed leaky ones, new electricals, no more dodgy stuff he had half done, all my rooms now have working lights, a working boiler, a redone bathroom, old one has falling off tiles, a new kitchen with the drawer fronts not having fallen off, indeed I was able to have it redesigned. Just a little.basic one but I now have everything I need and it works and is easier to use. All.soets of things that are in working order . When the house was valued I was awarded enough in the split to bring everything up to a loveable condition. New decor, of my choice.
No restriction what I eat, I fully respect people's preferences, he has no allergies, or religious or moral restrictions, just very very fussy, wouldn't do what I do, ie pick bits out that I don't like, I'd they are in the food by or allowed. I'd I have a rake away or have a meal out I can have anything I want, uses to have to share with him so couldn't have anything which he wouldn't eat.
I can wear what I want without criticism
I can go to our daughter's and help her
He thought he was special.not having a TV, he would watch it elsewhere though. Not that I spend a lot of time watching it, but it's nice to be able to watch some programme
Next door appreciate the quiet now he doesn't shout and scream at me. I'm not always tidy, sometimes because my health has been affected I'm tired, but when it gets untidy it doesn't take long to clear things up

It’s been a long time but I remember the lovely feeling of coming home to an empty house. No longer driving past the house because his car was on the drive and I couldn’t bear to go in. No more crappy sex - cycle.. get it over with, bliss for the next couple of days, then ok, then a bit of eggshells, then full on sulk then tantrums, then having to do it again.. Christ, it was bloody wonderful to stop. No work monologues.. fabulous. If you could bottle the feeling you’d make a fortune.

What a wonderful, affirming thread. Some of the posts on here are absolutely horrifying - thank goodness for all the women who've got out of terrible, abusive relationships!

Mine is small beer - and we weren't married, but were together most of a decade with a 7-year-old daughter, but:

• I don't have to walk on eggshells any more.
• The house is tidy and calm.
• I lost a stone and a half! Despite constant hints about how much I was eating/ being made to feel I was greedy
• My relationship with DD is so calm and happy.
• Having money! In theory I should be financially much worse off, but because I know where every penny is going, it feels so much more stable.
• Not feeling constantly on edge in public, waiting for a rude comment/ picking a fight with someone.
• Being able to chat to the school mums.
• Not being put down all the time. I used constantly to feel hurt that DP would never ask me how my day had been without prompting, or would talk endlessly about her day without asking me. I thought what I was missing was someone bothering to say 'and how was your day?' But actually, it isn't. It's just I was sick of it being one-sided!
• Not having to waste my time humouring DP. ('Yes, you want to grow aramanth as a vegetable. You got me to buy you the seedlings. Then you left them to die. So I planted them. Then you left the plants to die. So I rescued them. All the while you kept telling me you wanted to grow these, and it was unfair I grew veg and you didn't. In the end, you couldn't be bothered to pick them.')
• Similar to the above - no more being guilted into buying shit that is a waste of money. DP would constantly develop a random enthusiasm for something a item of clothing; an activity - and insist we must buy it. Then she'd get bored. So we'd end up with dozens of fancy bags/nice jackets/ expensive bits of kit she had tried once or twice and got bored with. Then she'd be confused why we didn't have more money.
• No more gaslighting. That's a big one!

How did you all manage to leave??

A lot of you mention walking on eggshells & abuse

How did you get him to ‘let’ you leave?

struggling with big decisions at the moment…

fetchacloth · Most importantly
The cat is happier 🐱
😂

This is a good thread

This thread has made my day! My list:

No one leaving the back door and back gate swinging wide open
No sopping wet bathroom floor
Clean and tidy kitchen
Less laundry
So much less stuff
No big sighs
Kids much calmer
No daily resentment about getting him to do stuff
No carrier bags full of assorted stuff dumped all over the house and left for me to sort out
No shoes or slippers left in the middle of the floor
Being able to relax and do laundry when the kids are at his house or go out for the night and have an actual lie in because I don't have to do drop off. Bliss!
Knowing he now has to clean up his own mess, tidy up after the kids at his own house
And of course the peace and quiet.

Before reading this thread I was feeling a tiny bit lonely. Not anymore!!

bumping for you OP

Love this thread.
1 I am not anxious all the time waiting for a negative reaction

2 I have more money despite paying for everything myself without any child maintenance

3 I can eat whatever food I like and I have gained weight

4 the house is tidier and cleaner

5 there is a lot less clutter in the house

6 the household alcohol spend down has gone down about 90%

7 my teenager spends a lot more time at home

8 my younger kids do a lot more activities

Oh and:
9 my family come and visit me now

@WingingItFTM
to answer the question about how I left:
it wasn’t easy. I tried to leave many times over the past 5 years (probably longer than 5 years)
eventually I realised that it was never going to be easy. I applied for divorce one night after he had verbally abused me for hours. I just decided I needed to set the ball rolling and neither of us would move out. I couldn’t move out because I was never going to leave my kids with this man and nobody would rent me a property due to my low earnings. So I tentatively applied for divorce online and decided I had to go through with it.
things got really really ugly really quickly. He tried emotional blackmail, verbal abuse, coercive control….he tried everything to get me to withdraw the divorce application and it all just cemented that I was doing the right thing.
I kept reminding myself that this man was not bothered about losing me, he was only bothered about losing the things I did for him. He has now moved out and the divorce is well underway. Just need to sort the finances.

And I forgot some of the big ones, that I am normally too ashamed to admit but hey ho:

10 I no longer have to have sex to avoid an argument or avoid him shouting to wake the kids up. the feeling that I have my bodily autonomy back is immense

11 my kids can be kids without being constantly shouted at for doing normal kid things

@Thefutureismyaim
Thank you! I hope your final divorce proceedings get sorted as quickly and painlessly as possible!

we’re not married (i don’t really know if that’s easier or harder) but we do have a young child and a mortgage

i’m taking the first steps…i’ve been speaking to abuse charities. I had my first meeting with citizens advice yesterday and have a call with a family solicitor arranged tomorrow and a call with legal aid the day after.

I have been given details for mitigation ‘people’ also, which will be the next people to contact, and counselling has also been advised.

Baby steps.

I want to understand what the steps are by speaking to all these people because i’m pretty sure it will be blackmailing, coercive control and bullying as soon as he knows i really intend to leave

thank you to the OP 🙏 it’s good to finally say it out loud!

@WingingItFTM - you don't need permission to end a relationship. Nobody owns you. Your partner doesn't get to "let" you leave. You have full autonomy over your life.

@WingingItFTM Well done in taking those first steps. Much luck to you, I’m sure you will feel
so much better even just knowing what you can expect next before following through 💐

@AmandaHoldensLips thank you for saying that you don’t need permission to leave a relationship. It does need to be said. When I eventually filed for divorce my husband kept saying that I needed to give him a proper reason, that the reasons I had given were not good enough. Somebody in social care spoke to me
one day and said ‘you don’t need a reason. wanting to leave is reason enough’. The relief I felt at hearing that was overwhelming and reassuring.

I understand what you're saying @WingingItFTM , it took me many many years to organise my work so that I could afford to live without him. it then took me longer to sort my head out so that I was ready for the abuse, manipulation and bullying that I knew would start as soon as he knew I was serious.

The only advice I have is try to organise things so that you don't need his income, and prepare to weather the inevitable storm. Get help from as many organisations as possible, Mumsnet is a brilliant source of advice and support.

Separating from your abuser is a sometimes long and difficult journey but it is do-able. And worth it.

For me even 17 blissful years later…
NO MORE DAILY CRYING
a house I love that is decorated the way I want and is spotless
don’t feel sad tense or “just waiting for him to be angry” about something
pet free house (sorry dear animal lovers) an animal he had to have never walked bathed took to vet or purchased food for or paid any attention to which was probably also stressed and shedding everywhere biting and potty accidents regularly.
My
FC were quite young and i shielded them. Both rock star kids now…successful family focused loving fun so close to me and good people

I just wanted to say, your house sounds beautiful! I am an absolute addict to home magazines and I think your ex will find his look is woefully outdated, and what's now in is ... yep, bright colours and lovely flowers!