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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Are you friends with the man you divorced or absolutely no way?

151 replies

BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 19:09

I have a thread about my divorce but wanted a more tailored answer just for this question.

I have no intention or desire to have any contact with my STBEH once we are divorced and I have moved.

One of his relatives has already said we have to find a way to get on because of graduations, weddings etc.

My friend divorced her husband who treated her appallingly and it took two years but they get on fine now.

I do not want to be friends with him and my children do not expect me to spend any time with him. Them, my ex and I do not and will not ever have to be in the same place together.

Why do people think you would want to be mates with someone who has treated you so badly and hurt you so much that you want to divorce them?

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 26/03/2024 19:15

It has been several years since I separated from the children's father and I still want to set fire to him. I realise that is a me problem. He continues to not pay child support and consistently lets the kids down. I had hope in time it would change but I'm as angry toward him now than I ever was. I hope if our paths do cross for whatever reason we can just keep polite and distant from each other.

My parents were the same. My siblings and I respected our mother decision and their paths only crossed at graduation and weddings. With an adult child chaperone.🤣

theplanner24 · 26/03/2024 19:17

I'm not interested in being friends with my ex husband and we were together nearly 20 years. I find his lingering presence in my life an irritation and to be honest if he died tomorrow I wouldn't miss him or mourn him. I have already grieved for the man I married when he walked out on our children and our marriage. He's not even someone I would consider a friend or even have the possibility of being a friend. He's changed too much or not at all. He's a stranger. Nothing more than a memory and someone I just happened to have children with.

When I have to attend events for the children with him - like the nativity - I'd quite happily sit at the other side of the room but I don't for the children's sakes.

There is no malice there, I don't hate him. I'm not even angry really. I don't feel anything and that's possibly worse.

I make more small talk with the postman

canyouletthedogoutplease · 26/03/2024 19:18

No, we are not friends. If I could have been friends with the man, I'd have stayed married to him as divorcing him knocked about ten years off my life expectancy.

If I have to sit in the same room as him for a graduation or a wedding I will do so, however I'm not spending years as his friend to gear up for a couple of dates in the calender that might not happen.

Good riddance, I've got loads of friends and not one of them has ever behaved the way he has.

CatCatCatCatCatCat · 26/03/2024 19:19

I'm not friends with my ex but he doesn't see our children so didn't story

Original poster
BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 19:20

I expect there will be posts coming that say I should be mature and civil for the sake of the kids but I'm more about teaching the kids that when someone shits on you it is okay and correct to say go away. My children are all 18 and above so a bit easier and since they don't want much to do with him they would hardly expect me to.

Thank you @theplanner24 @unicornsarereal72

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 19:21

@canyouletthedogoutplease my therapist said to me if you wanted to be friends you wouldn't be divorcing him..

OP posts:
canyouletthedogoutplease · 26/03/2024 19:22

BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 19:20

I expect there will be posts coming that say I should be mature and civil for the sake of the kids but I'm more about teaching the kids that when someone shits on you it is okay and correct to say go away. My children are all 18 and above so a bit easier and since they don't want much to do with him they would hardly expect me to.

Thank you @theplanner24 @unicornsarereal72

I think that if to remain mature and civil you need to remove him from your life then that's no bad thing. Your kids are old enough to know exactly who you both are, and what anyone else thinks you should be doing is immaterial.

endlessperiods · 26/03/2024 19:22

My ex husband thinks we are friends but in reality I tolerate him because a) he pays a generous child maintenance and I worry he'll go to basic CMS if we aren't amicable and b) the kids are young and he has them fairly regularly which gives me a break, plus they still like to do 'family things' with us both. So for the foreseeable I'll continue tolerating him and being friendly, but deep down I'll never ever trust him or even like him as a human for the years of misery he put me through.

Original poster
BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 19:25

While I appreciated the fact some of his family have said I'll always be family @canyouletthedogoutplease i find that not wanting to talk to me when I clearly need some support means it is just words. So I won't be staying friends because they think I have to.

You are doing the right thing for you and your children @endlessperiods

OP posts:
surlycurly · 26/03/2024 19:25

I'm nearly 11 years post divorce and I have NO contact with my ex. He has also opted out with our children. He was a vile bastard after our divorce and I would happily never see him again. That said... if he ever comes back into the children's lives, I would be civil to him for their sake. But I secretly hope it's severed for good as he is a horrible human.

Original poster
BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 19:28

So sorry @surlycurly that sounds very difficult. My ex is struggling big time so has said he has no time for the kids because of that and how they've made him feel but I expect he'll do a bit now and then. I've told him be a proper dad or if he's not going to be he might as well fuck off. None of this messing them around.

OP posts:
AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 26/03/2024 19:30

He moved to Australia and it’s still not far enough away.

Original poster
BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 19:31

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 26/03/2024 19:30

He moved to Australia and it’s still not far enough away.

😆sorry for laughing @AllThePotatoesAreSinging

OP posts:
canyouletthedogoutplease · 26/03/2024 19:32

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 26/03/2024 19:30

He moved to Australia and it’s still not far enough away.

The moon would be about right.

SnakesAndArrows · 26/03/2024 19:35

Yes I’m friends with my ex. Good man, shit husband. I don’t see him very often but when I do we have a good catch up.

Original poster
BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 19:36

I can't compute why I feel such hatred and lack of nice feeling for someone I used to adore and who I've been with for longer than the life I had before him. I used to think I'd never manage without him. Turns out I'm doing just fine, except for the odd difficult day. But they aren't difficult because I want him back.

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 26/03/2024 19:37

@BirthdayRainbow it's a hard one because I'd like to not feel like I do. And just be meh. It happens sometimes. But then he messes the kids around and I'm back to square one. I want to be an adult about it and we communicate about the kids when necessary but otherwise I want nothing to do with him. I feel it is important to show the children, a healthy boundried relationship when someone continually disrespects you

Original poster
BirthdayRainbow · 26/03/2024 19:39

That's my thought process too @unicornsarereal72 along with I hate him so much and can see who he really is now that I wish he'd just go away.

OP posts:
Pepsimaxedout · 26/03/2024 19:40

I am civil. We have primary aged kids. I need to see him and discuss important stuff with him about the kids. If we didn't have the kids, I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire TBH.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 26/03/2024 19:41

My ex husband behaved terribly to me and to the children so, no, I will not ever be friends. I was in his company at my daughter's graduation and her wedding and was polite and made conversation. That was for my daughter and also for me. He reaped what he sowed. My son walked his sister down the aisle. While my ex was at the wedding, he wasn't at the top table and has a very superficial relationship with his daughter. He has no relationship with his son nor with me. I see no need to contact him nor any of his family. They add nothing to my life. I'm perfectly happy without them
.

slavetothenhs · 26/03/2024 19:41

Mine did everyone a favour and died.

Toomuchgoingon79 · 26/03/2024 19:42

It definitely depends on the relationship you've had. My ex is one of my closest friends.

But it's easy for me say as he was never abusive in any way, continues to see ds daily and provides anything that ds wants or needs (and ds is 19 now!).

After the domestic violence I witnessed as a child, I always said the first hint of anything and I'd be through the door and wouldn't look back. I can fully understand why someone people won't have anything to do with their ex!

Giggorata · 26/03/2024 19:43

Never.
No maintenance or contact from the day I left until oldest DC's wedding.

Managed the wedding and reception without incident, despite having to speak very firmly to DH and other DC about not spoiling the day.
Not nearly as firmly as I had to speak to myself.

Cathbrownlow · 26/03/2024 19:43

I pretend to be friends with my ex for the sake of the events we are both invited to because of our adult children.

But actually he is still a massive jerk and as another PP said I wouldn't care if he dropped down dead tomorrow.

Lanesdown · 26/03/2024 19:45

My exh thinks we are friends because I fake my behaviour and attitude around him for the sake of the kids. Inside, I hate him with a passion and cannot wait til the kids are adults and I never have to speak to him again. I keep all this to myself, I won't influence my kids' opinion. They can make their own minds up when they're older!!!