Are you friends with the man you divorced or absolutely no way?

[BirthdayRainbow]

I have a thread about my divorce but wanted a more tailored answer just for this question.

I have no intention or desire to have any contact with my STBEH once we are divorced and I have moved.

One of his relatives has already said we have to find a way to get on because of graduations, weddings etc.

My friend divorced her husband who treated her appallingly and it took two years but they get on fine now.

I do not want to be friends with him and my children do not expect me to spend any time with him. Them, my ex and I do not and will not ever have to be in the same place together.

Why do people think you would want to be mates with someone who has treated you so badly and hurt you so much that you want to divorce them?

I don't see why we have to get on - I just ignore him, and he ignores me.

He's turned up to a couple of sports days/school events (never did before we split), and he sits at one corner and mainly stares at his phone. One of my friends will walk past and flag up to me that he's there, but I'll just get on with my day. He might not even say hi to the kids, it's a bit bizarre really.

It's not just friendly or animosity - like others say, there's also total indifference. My kids don't think twice about any of it - I don't speak well or ill of him, I don't avoid conversation about him, nor encourage it. TBH, that works best for them because he's utterly self-absorbed, and will go weeks and months without seeing them or speaking to them occasionally. This way they're never hoping for more than he's going to give them.

I have been pondering this thread since yesterday. My exH and father of our DS9 left me seven years ago. He'd been having an affair with a woman at work (although I didn't know that at the time he announced he was leaving, that all came out afterwards) and he is still with her today.

It's been hard. Not least because him leaving was a total shock and he seemed to change into a different person in the space of 5 minutes! I was angry for a long while afterwards, to the point it was affecting my ability to enjoy life and I decided enough hating and to put it aside and be civil for the sake of DS. I can't stand being near him now and I'm counting down the days until DS is old enough that I don't have to have anymore dealings with him. He thinks I am his 'friend' and calls me 'Mum' or even 'mate' (I know!) and all I want to do is say 'oh why don't you just eff off!!!'. But I grit my teeth.

Yesterday, I found my old laptop which has a lot of old photos on it of DS when he was a baby and also some of my Mum (who passed away three years ago). Then I spotted on the desktop a file I downloaded which was basically a transcription of my ex's iPhone messages from the time of his affair and how I found out about it. I made the mistake of reading some of them and was catapulted back to 2016 and the anger resurfaced. It was a good reminder of what a nasty, selfish shit he was (and still is).

Anyway, sorry that was a ramble but as my Dad says 'enjoy what you can, endure what you must'! I think there are lots of us Mums enduring our exes for the sake of our children.

Not even the moons of Neptune are far enough away. He can keep on sailing all the way past. Forever.

If not friends exactly, then certainly friendly in our way.

That is a very calming thought to end the day upon, thankyou! Sail on.

Absolutely not, he's horrible.

Nope. I would go to his funeral though, but only to make sure the bastard is truly dead.

Don't waste your petrol money. Buy a bottle of wine instead.

My best friends parents divorced about 30 years ago extremely acrimoniously. For her wedding planning she was really anxious about them being in the same room.
it mostly went fine, ( her mother completely ignored her father) and they were both on the top table but had my DH and I as a buffer between them. My friend was stressed about it and rolled her eyes a lot, but everyone got through it in their own way. That was their only encounter in 30 years, not worth trying to maintain a relationship for in the interim.

The op is the angriest rudest poster I have ever scene. I'm guessing the tech sets divorcing in the dip. And forget about the crypto.

My stbxh wants to be "good friends" with me.

I am not bothered. I will be civil and maybe even friendly in future but I will never give him trust or confide in him as I would a friend.

We aren't actually divorced, but have been separated for over 20 years! We are still best friends, talk on the phone weekly, and go out for coffee when he's in my town. He also helped me move flats and helped clear out my late DF's apartment. No kids.

5 years on there's no contact. He wanted to remain friends after cheating on me online with loads of people, and found it hard to understand why I wasn't forgiving him within a fortnight. And because I didn't forgive him, he changed and turned into this vile person I didn't know had been hiding in there for 22 years.

I reached out to my xsil to say farewell, and she said we'll keep in touch. That was the last I heard from her.

My XMIL decided to use my friends suicide 3 months after the separation as a reason to get in touch. 1 sentence offering condolences. The next 10 paragraphs telling me the marriage broke down because of me and to not be horrible... Think of the children.

I had so much fun composing the response back to her telling her just what her son had been up to. I've not heard from her since, thank the lord.

My family want nothing to do with the cheating bastard. Nor does our daughter.

@Wasityoubecayse hello. Where was I rude? I am allowed to be angry due to my STBEH actions and if you truly think I am the rudest poster you've ever seen, then you've missed some incredible threads.

I'm good friends with my exh and his partner. Think it's easier though as it was an amicable split so no hard feelings.

Sorry wrong place to post, meant to create my own thread. Have asked for it to be deleted

Friends? Hell no.

He gets customer service civility/politeness because its easier for co-parenting.

But honestly, the moment i don't have to deal with him as the kids are old enough to facilitate their own contact/relationship with him (they're 15 and 17 now) i will drop him like a hot rock. I can't stand him.

15 and 17. Omg. When do you think you will be able to step away from this responsibility?

I also am concerned that being friends with my ex means he thinks he is in with a chance for reconciliation.

Fuck no. His horrible betrayal after 20 years and awful treatment of me after everything I did for him. He is dead to me.
If we ever met again accidentally there would be a scene alright.
Luckily I didn't have children with him. I have a DS from the 1st marriage. I attempted to be friendly with number 1 but he got diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and we were told we weren't safe around him so we completely cut ties.

I don't want to be friends with a master manipulator and emotional abuser thanks.

I've been separated for 7 months and put in for divorce as soon as I could raise the court fee. I'm soon flogging our joint property. He wants to be friends despite his behaviour towards me 🤯 and I've said no, the only communication between us is about our child, nothing else. He still think he can manipulate me, he manipulates our child and he's even gained sympathy from his mates for my unreasonable behaviour 😂 by manipulating them. He plays games and makes me feel like an inadequate parent. Wtf would I want to be friends with him?

Exactly @VenetiaHallisWellPosh I asked as I don't understand why I've had comments about getting on with him for the sake of future children events. I'd be happy never to see him again. It annoys me enough that I have to see his photo on WA.

edited for typo.

Ok so for me, it upset me that my parents couldn’t get on for events like my wedding and graduation. The way I saw it was that they had chosen to marry each other, they had chosen to reproduce together, so why should I have to be the one putting up with their shitty behaviour towards each other? I didn’t choose to be in that situation.
But if your kids aren’t bothered about having him at their future events then it won’t really be an issue for you/them.

My children aren't putting up with "shitty behaviour" @Youdontevengohere as we spend barely any time together with my dc as they are at uni and live elsewhere. However I won't play happy families when that is not true. If the kids want us both in the same place then we will both go, well I will, but I won't give him any attention etc that he absolutely does not deserve.

As for chosen etc. I didn't chose to be subjected to what I was so that negates any expectations.