Are you friends with the man you divorced or absolutely no way?

[BirthdayRainbow]

I have a thread about my divorce but wanted a more tailored answer just for this question.

I have no intention or desire to have any contact with my STBEH once we are divorced and I have moved.

One of his relatives has already said we have to find a way to get on because of graduations, weddings etc.

My friend divorced her husband who treated her appallingly and it took two years but they get on fine now.

I do not want to be friends with him and my children do not expect me to spend any time with him. Them, my ex and I do not and will not ever have to be in the same place together.

Why do people think you would want to be mates with someone who has treated you so badly and hurt you so much that you want to divorce them?

You misunderstood me, I was talking specifically about my situation, not yours. I didn’t say your children were putting up with shitty behaviour, how would I know? I’ve never met you. Im just saying that that’s why I would have preferred that my parents could get on for the sake of me, at my special occasions. Them not being civil to each other ruined occasions for me. I’m not saying it would be the same for your children.

Anyway, after my brother died in his early 20s my parents were forced to interact to arrange his funeral etc so after that they managed to be civil.

Ah, sorry @Youdontevengohere i made an assumption from what you said.

I am sorry you lost your brother 🌷

Ah it’s fine, I know all families are different. In our case there case there was no abuse or anything, just two parents who eventually hated/resented each other. If there had been any abuse between my parents I wouldn’t have expected the victim to be civil to their abuser.

That's the point I've been trying and failing to make @Youdontevengohere . his behaviour towards me meant I had no choice but to divorce him. I feel if it bad enough to end the marriage surely it is bad enough to not be expected to be friendly?

@BirthdayRainbow it is really hard. Especially in the beginning the hurt and betrayal cuts deep. When the kids dad left it broke me. I accepted it, he had moved on. I asked of him three things leave me alone. Pay his way see the kids.

He did none of those things was aggressive and abusive towards me and the kids. Repeatedly let them down didn't see him for weeks then he turn up for a few hours and take them to the pub and proceed to get drunk

Time does help. The kids and I make it work. He still bearly pays towards supporting the kids eldest went NC. Youngest is hanging on in there.

His behaviour was shocking. From the person I loved most in the world I still can't get my head around how he treated us. But that was his hurt and guilt. And those feelings come right back to me whenever I have to interact with him. (That is on me I know). I am civil and polite but he is no friend to me.

A friend would not treat me as he has

I am grateful though, the children and I have a happy and peaceful home and I hope they look back and remember this time with love and security.

Thank you @unicornsarereal72 , that helps and I think you e explained it really well. My DC trusted I'd done the right thing leaving even though they had no idea what had happened. He is paying all the house bills, giving two of the kids food money but is complaining about their phone bills and giving me housekeeping. The kids now have less contract and one is paying their own once they can sort it. He doesn't see them much but moans they don't text him and tells them how bad he is feeling. Meanwhile hardly any of his family are checking in with me. No one wants to talk about it. I'm devastated. I'd rather he'd just had another affair tbh. I'm fine without him. It's just the pain of what he's said to me and how he's been treating me and feeling for years.

@BirthdayRainbow do keep talking. It has to find its place In your head as it makes little sense to you. I had some low cost counselling when I was first single. It really helped to have a place to off load. I should go back really. Just take each day as it comes. Some are harder than others. Your priorities are you and the kids only. He has made his bed. He has to find his own way now you and the children have no responsibility towards him and his wants/needs.

I m having therapy @unicornsarereal72 and tbh without it I might not have come to the conclusion I had to leave him as soon as I did.

It feels seismic that you say I have no responsibility towards him now and he's made his bed etc. I've been finding it hard as he is really struggling. Yet I don't know why. He clearly didn't want to give me any space to think as just gave up, he hasn't made any efforts to try and make it right and he is doing barely nothing with the kids as doesn't want to see me.

Whereas I've been suicidal, tried once, have to move well away, can't tell his family as clearly they don't want to know the actual facts and feel so let down by him.

I remain civil, we didn't end on bad terms just grew apart and remained friends I would say until his new partner came on the scene, now she is completely paranoid and I've no idea why as I don't want him and I'm fairly sure he doesn't want me.
I offered to take him and kids to the airport last year when he was taking them away, before he met his new girlfriend. That caused a major argument that's still on going now as he told her he drove, I've no idea why he lied but this crops up regularly. He's been told not to come into the house when collecting kids etc, he's well under the thumb so to speak so I keep my distance.
We communicate via text as in the process of selling the house and only about that or kids.
I still occasionally speak to his mum and sister etc, and I am still friends with his family on fb, however he un friended me and cut everyone off he was friends with before, I'm guessing her doing. Like I say she's very jealous/paranoid each to there own if he likes that kind of thing.

No, I can't even face him. He broke my heart, and he's full of regrets for breaking our family. He's a broken man.

8 years on.

I’ve been divorcing for two years. I’ve just accepted his offer, but he’s still messing me around.

i hate him with a passion, but I’m also scared of him. He is an entitled bully. I have to tread very carefully because if I do anything he doesn’t like he can make my life very difficult still.

Hes a complete narcissist (I promise you, my therapist said this), and he manipulates everyone and is as two faced as they come.

My Dd is getting married in 5 weeks. It’s a registry office do, with a lunch for just 12 of us after. He will be there with his mother. (She thinks he’s utterly wonderful and I’m the bitch).

So please do wish me luck. I’m going to fake smile my way through the day for my Dd and her husbands sake only.

I’ve still got to sell a house with him and I’m not looking forward to that either.

But then …… I’m going to be free!!!!!!!!

@Imgoingtobefree you have got this. Your daughter will appreciate you being able to make her day special for her.

I don't envy you at all. My dad did a speech at my sister's wedding acknowledging my mothers pretty much solo in out bringing us up. I'm unsure if it was genuine or about his image saying it publicly. I'd image my x doing pretty much the same for his own gratification.

No way do I want to ever have contact with ExH ever again. He was a closet gay throughout the 30years we were married. Since divorcing he has made no effort to see his DDs or DGSs and DD1 for one is heartbroken and DGS1, aged 11, cannot understand why his grandad doesn't want to see him. I'm the one left still picking up the pieces . ExH can rot in hell for all I care.

@unicornsarereal72 Thankyou.

Ref your dad’s speech. That’s the problem with them. You stop trusting anything they say, so can never decide if something is genuine or not.

A family group WhatsApp message from adult DC popped up as I was reading this. It included exH and was about an event that parents and partners are invited to so I don’t think you ever get rid of them unless they disappear of their own accord.

I rarely think about exH these days but I am cordial if we have to meet. He is a morally bankrupt human being IMO, I am glad that he no longer takes up any energy and headspace.

@Imgoingtobefree GOOD LUCK. I hope the wedding goes well and that h and mil don't come as they over sleep. Good luck with being FREE!

@Zebresia25 my eldest made a WA group that is me and my children. There isn't one that is h and the children..

Sort of. We are sort of friends because of DD but if she didn't exist I wouldn't have bothered. We are probably friendly rather than friends.

But I'll add he's a brilliant dad to DD and is a good person basically. He has his flaws but so do I.

@Youdontevengohere that sounds rough on you, sorry about your DB. I hope you have support.

I would love to know if men like this ever look back and regret their actions when events like this happen.

Not long after we split he phoned me crying that he had lost his son who refused to speak to him or see him. I agreed that he probably had. I didn't take delight in it and was vaguely sympathetic which probably vexed him more. 😂

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand I posted a thread about navigating relationships with the in laws after a split but no replies. Were you close or friendly before with them? My MIL wants to help and stay in touch. H has 6 aunties and uncles, nine cousins and numerous second cousins who are 18 and under. I feel unsure about what I have to do.

I don't think there's any right answer. I wasn't that close to my in laws and didn't continue a relationship with them after we split. Exh put little effort into taking dd to see them and I didn't see it was my place to do so. My son refused to see his father and wouldn't have gone anyway. Exhs sister did come to my house once, which blindsided me, to see dd who had chickenpox. I found it intrusive and didn't pursue a relationship. She and her partner did go to dd's wedding and I did have a polite conversation with them. I would be wary of continuing a close relationship with your ex's family. You don't know what will get back to him. But that's just my feeling.

Thank you @LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand . I'll be moving a long way away so any relationship with MIL will be by phone, letter as I can't see me visiting. Haven't heard from most of his family since we split and the one who does ring me isn't ringing him. I doubt MIL would pass on anything as they don't talk. H is living with her and hasn't said a word to her about why we are getting divorced or what has happened in the months since. My DC will continue a relationship with her so I feel I have to as well. I'd like to but I also feel let down by her as she brought him up..