Are you friends with the man you divorced or absolutely no way?

[BirthdayRainbow]

I have a thread about my divorce but wanted a more tailored answer just for this question.

I have no intention or desire to have any contact with my STBEH once we are divorced and I have moved.

One of his relatives has already said we have to find a way to get on because of graduations, weddings etc.

My friend divorced her husband who treated her appallingly and it took two years but they get on fine now.

I do not want to be friends with him and my children do not expect me to spend any time with him. Them, my ex and I do not and will not ever have to be in the same place together.

Why do people think you would want to be mates with someone who has treated you so badly and hurt you so much that you want to divorce them?

I see my ex for about 5 mins most weeks.

I say hello and that's it. I feel no desire to communicate any further with him unless there is an issue with DS.

My life is none of his business. I have no interest in his life. He tries to engage me in conversation, frequently asks questions that I don't answer and regularly shows off. I don't react, it's the best way to deny him the satisfaction he craves.

He was unpleasantly manipulative. I will not allow it to happen again.

If I need to sit with him at ds' graduation then I'll do it. But it's clear to ex there is nothing further.

No, I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire

I’m friendly with my XH, but we had no children so the bar for divorcing was far lower.

what is your plan though for major life events. What if a child or grandchild graduates or gets married. Are your children planning to only invite one of you? If he was violent, then that makes sense, but if it was just a standard messy divorce, you shouldn’t make them choose a side.

Wouldn't piss on the bloke if he was on fire.

No I am not friends with him, there are several reasons why he is an ex husband, and all of them would also make him a shit friend.

After 8 years separated we don't speak. Kids are young adults and have recently chosen to cut him from their lives as he's been a shit Dad since he met his 2nd wife a year after we split. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong either which makes it worse. Will make for relaxing graduations and weddings for me though!

@Ponderingwindow absolutely not a standard messy divorce. Violence isn't the only bad thing. I have not made my dc choose sides and never would. They can do what they want. If they invite both. I'll go. Don't know what he will do. Tbh the way he has been I doubt they'll be inviting him.

To widen this out, do you still see or have contact with any of his family? There choice or yours? My MIL still sees me as family.

There's no animosity between us. It's been years since I've had any contact with him other than when he messaged me to tell me his first grandchild had been born (he has 3 grown up children from previous marriage), and he was so happy. It was a nice text conversation. If I never saw him again it wouldn't be sad, but if I did see him again, it wouldn't be a problem. We've been divorced for 13 years now, life goes on. We're not friends, but we're not enemies either.

I said to my DS recently that if he got married please could he put me and ExH on different tables please.

He laughed, and said that if he got married ExH would not be invited.

I went to a lot of effort to be neutral between my ex and the kids, he ruined his relationship with them all by himself.

I could cope if I had to with seeing him at family events but I don't think I will.

I haven't seen any of my ex's immediate family since the day I chucked him out. I did speak to my sis in law and mother in law (ex obviously) at Christmas on FT, just to wish them a merry Christmas. That said, I do see my grown up nephew now and again. My ex doesn't see his family either though.

You know, writing this all down, I get no satisfaction from any of it. I'd hoped we were both bigger people than it seems we are. We chose to have these children and it's ended up such a mess. I'm just relived my kids are so well adjusted despite it all. Sad.

Following please

Bollocks to being the bigger people. What does that even mean. Someone hurts you then it is okay to not want to pretend that all is fine. It's not a negative that you don't want to have a relationship with someone who has hurt you.

@BirthdayRainbow I totally hear you. It's just that we both came from disfunction. We talked long and hard about how we would be if things went wrong. It absolutely did not follow any kind of dignified path. I shut my mouth for a long time for the sake of the kids but when he did a bunk he ruined his relationship with them himself. He's a disgrace but I'm not particularly proud of myself in this situation either.

I mean 'friends with' hell no!!

But able to hold my tongue in environments like family weddings and ignore him... yea

My background is all the bad stuff you can think of. Probably why I married h and stayed as long as did even though he had an affair and that wasn't even the worst thing. But fuck it. I've left, I'm stronger, I'm coping better than him, I'm still parenting. He's gone into victim mode, anxious, not sleeping, treating me like absolute shit, doing fuck all with his kids. I'm angry.

Oh my god, some of these replies are very dark! I have to admit that I barely give two fucks about my ex I was with for 12 years. Is this a woman thing?

I tried to be amicable for the sake of the children. I gritted my teeth and even had him for Christmas lunch. But since I found out he started giving my children drugs and encouraged them to take drugs from the age of 14 - no. I am no contact snd I will never speak to him or communicate with him in any way ever again.

Yes, if you have children it makes all those life events easier. Have a graduation and a wedding this year.

I haven't exchanged any words with my ex in over 2 years, and I'm only not saying 3 years because I had one phone call with him early on (that went no-where, because it was very clear that he expected me to do all the running for his benefit with the kids again).

I completely grey rock it. Invites are sent for visits, I decline or accept, no chit-chat. Very rarely he might send a question - sometimes I answer as briefly as possible, sometimes (if it's not my problem) I don't even bother answering.

Fuck him. He did some awful things to me and the kids, and I'm not prepared to humour or help the lazy coward at all.

My ex husband is one of my closest friends. I appreciate it's unusual though.

If someone treats you like shit I don't see what good it does for the children to be friends with them tbh. Show what isn't acceptable.

We split up in 2016 as he was an abusive arsehole. A long time has passed and memories, good and bad, are fading from that time. So if he wasn't such a dick things would've probably softened by now. But he continues to act like a monumental twat to me and the kids, so I hate him as much now as I hated him then. Don't see him or the situation changing.

We aren't divorced yet, but yes we are friends.

No one 'shit on' anyone, it just wasn't working.

Who would benefit if we didn't collaborate? What would it prove if we were resentful?

Nothing.

Role modelling a good ending can be really important if it's possible and I'm really sorry for what the posters on here went through when it wasn't possible. It's awful, and I count myself very lucky.

I'm ambivalent about my ex.
No anger or hostility, that has past.
But no real flicker of fond memories either, my mind seems to have erased them.

I see them occasionally due to adult DC and it's polite and friendly in the same way as I am polite and friendly to the cashier at sainsburys.
But my ex just seem to be somebody I used to know.

Why would you be friends with someone who treated you horribly? I'm not even sure why that's expected.