Are you friends with the man you divorced or absolutely no way?

[BirthdayRainbow]

I have a thread about my divorce but wanted a more tailored answer just for this question.

I have no intention or desire to have any contact with my STBEH once we are divorced and I have moved.

One of his relatives has already said we have to find a way to get on because of graduations, weddings etc.

My friend divorced her husband who treated her appallingly and it took two years but they get on fine now.

I do not want to be friends with him and my children do not expect me to spend any time with him. Them, my ex and I do not and will not ever have to be in the same place together.

Why do people think you would want to be mates with someone who has treated you so badly and hurt you so much that you want to divorce them?

We're civil vast majority of the time. Still in middle of divorcing. I'm hoping once we're through that he won't start any more fights
We have primary aged kids who play sport and regular hand overs so we have to interact a bit. We don't work together as parents, he has kids 2 nights a week, but it's more like child care rather than parenting. We'll never be friends, he's an abusive jerk, but we can manage to be civil in public and in front of the kids

I’ve divorced twice. Ex1 I am friends with him and his wife. Ex 2 and father of my children I have limited contact with, as do the children. Dd graduates this summer, she’s not asking him to go as she only gets 2 guests, so no need to worry about going to graduations and weddings together.

No. Not because he cheated on me but because he actually stayed during the divorce process when he didn't get everything his way in the financial settlement "I'm going to spend the rest of my life making your life miserable". I have never forgotten the exact words he said. For refusing to take him back he punished me by depriving his DC of mai tenancy money and forced me to take him to Tribuneral with CMS. I had 18 months of a living nightmare. Its backfired on him though because our DC are adults now but they have not forgotten how he made us go without, by not paying their maintenance. He never paid in November and December trying to spoil our Xmas.

I divorced my sociopath of a first husband in 1976. I have been happily married to my 2nd husband for 40+ years. Every once in a while I still search Google hoping to see the obit for my first husband!!!!!

Because they’re ignorant and opinionated. Ignore them and do what you need to do.

We're friendly enough. He's not my best mate, but we chat when I see him. We have a teen ds who we share access to. We've been separated for 8 years.

He cheated on me, but for me life is too short for me to carry a grudge, and actually he did me a favour (well not with the cheating, but bringing things to an end)- as it allowed us both to meet much better suited partners.

He's also quite funny, and we do still find similar things amusing.

Not friends, as in wouldn't meet for coffee or anything (although saying that we have done to talk about the kids) but we can make pleasant conversation, have a joke, show concern etc for each other etc. I left him but at the end of the day, we don't hate each other and we spent a long time together.

You don't have to be friends, or even friendly, to turn up at a few weddings and graduations and fake civility over the coming decades. You might even manage cordial indifference once the sting has worn off a bit.

My abusive ex husband was not ever my friend. No. I don't speak to him. Never, ever will.

One of his relatives has already said we have to find a way to get on because of graduations, weddings etc.

You don't.

My mum and dad divorced when I was very small and have never got on.

It's fine and I understand the reasons.

We're friends. I go round for dinner every Sunday night. He is a good dad. He was a rubbish partner because of his mental health. He knows that.
It depends on the reasons for the divorce. If you feel there is any way that he could coerce you, or abuse you, or belittle you, then it's better to keep a distance.
If you still have feelings or feel attracted to them then it is also better to not see each other unless completely necessary.
In time you may get on, you may not.
I'd recommend counselling to talk through how you are recovering from the split.
Sending thoughts x

Wow.

Apologies that I misunderstood.

We were, but no longer in touch. He did some shitty stuff but he's a very likeable guy. I feel he let my DCs down badly (and continues to do so). I feel I should hate him for that but don't. He was very supportive when I lost my job suddenly offering to pay my bills until I got another one. Thankfully got another within days. Basically a good guy with issues around responsibility and always wanting something more. Like @sunlovingcriminal , if he hadn't dumped me I would not have the great life I have now.

Don't have any reason to speak now as DCs are adults.

Zero feelings. Bad stuff from him. Having therapy. I posted as felt it would be interesting to get some real life opinions too. Thank you.

Some really good posts in amongst the unnecessary and patronising.

We are pretty amicable. We did separate 25 years ago though and have a shared grandchild so makes sense really. I don’t mind him and his wife. She is nice. We split as we had morphed from lovers into friends and the sex disappeared. I was only 30 so wasn’t prepared to live the rest of my life that way. Saying that, my choices since haven’t been great so it’s not worked out brilliantly.

This is what I grew up with as well, and absolutely changed the way i look at my mum (not in a good way). Its the reason I smile sweetly, bite my tongue, and don't say anything remotely negative about their dad in front of them or to them. Ever.

Still v close to my ex-H… and really good friends with his wife.

Love my ex like a (slightly infuriating) brother, and feel happy to have a great friend in his wife (who keeps him in check, and with whom I have a good mutual moan about him!).

Me, him & her have a WhatsApp group for chatting about the kids arrangements, and we were eachothers bubble in lockdown. They even threw me a little 40th birthday celebration in lockdown, complete with games, lovely food and family time.

Me and my DP went to their wedding, and if we ever get married they’ll come to ours.

He makes me laugh like no one else - and probably knows me better than anyone.

It's good to get this perspective, thanks for sharing. I find it really hard to walk the line beetween not badmouthing their dad, which I go to great lengths not to do, and acknowledging to them that when he's done something outrageously shitty and hurtful to them, that they're not going mad and it is in fact outrageously shitty hurtful behaviour. This feels important so they don't feel I'm nodding and smiling through it and their feelings are justified.

It's not an easy line to walk and I don't always get it right, but I'm definitely trying my best. I wouldn't say I was bitter, I'm mostly just baffled😂

We are very good friends now, constantly in contact. He has matured and much better person than he was when we were married. Same applies to me. We are both more tolerant now. Divorced 11 years ago.

No. At the time we divorced I'd gladly have throttled him with my bare hands. 20 years on I no longer care, but he's not someone I'd choose as a friend, and he's so dull and pedantic that I'd probably drop out of any social group of which he was a member.

I wish my stepkids mum was like that @Lanesdown She makes life very hard because of that; more for them to be honest, it affects the kids more than it does us.

My parents wouldn’t even be in the same room as each other when they split, but then my brother died so it forced the issue (funeral arrangements, service etc). They’re now civil to each other, which I am grateful for.

Hell no. I'd give anything to never see his smarmy arrogant face ever again. But someone has to pull him up on his shitty treatment of our kids. How I've managed to do so without really losing it is beyond me.