Are you friends with the man you divorced or absolutely no way?

[BirthdayRainbow]

I have a thread about my divorce but wanted a more tailored answer just for this question.

I have no intention or desire to have any contact with my STBEH once we are divorced and I have moved.

One of his relatives has already said we have to find a way to get on because of graduations, weddings etc.

My friend divorced her husband who treated her appallingly and it took two years but they get on fine now.

I do not want to be friends with him and my children do not expect me to spend any time with him. Them, my ex and I do not and will not ever have to be in the same place together.

Why do people think you would want to be mates with someone who has treated you so badly and hurt you so much that you want to divorce them?

Exactly @silentpool That is my whole point. I can't understand why it is expected, hence the thread.

my therapist said to me if you wanted to be friends you wouldn't be divorcing him

seems a strange thing for a therapist to say!

yes, we are friends. He left me 4 years ago. We get on fine, take our children out on birthdays etc. Often text chat.

Not really @Soweeeeiiirrrddd but then she knows what he has done that caused the divorce. It is all in context

Around the time of my divorce (so separated a while already) I heard on the radio someone say that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. I was full of anger, shock and trauma at the time, but I thought, that's something to aim for then.

Several years later, I got there, and I'm indifferent to him now.

Indifference feels too much for me right now @Summerhillsquare

I’m totally indifferent, in that we’re in close contact because young children but I don’t think about him much at all. He’s a nice guy. And a fantastic dad. I wouldn’t have married him otherwise!

Indifference feels too much as right now I can't stand him.

I thought he was a good bloke and great dad @Soweeeeiiirrrddd. I know different now.

I’m indifferent (and cordial when necessary).

I will be living hundreds of miles away from him so that will help.

Yes .. absolutely.. I loved him enough to have children with him .. we speak every day and have done for 18 years..

He lives 4K miles away and has done for 15 years.. the kids visit every year..

I love him .. like a brother ish ..

I am remarried and my DH is an adult grown male who understands that if I wanted to be married to him I still would be .. but I don't. That's why I am with him..

Everyone who got married and had kids loved their husband enough to do this.

Then when they do something unexpected and awful..

My ex husband barely talk to me you will l think I am the one who broke our family unit by the way he behaves. He won't say hello to me if I don't say it first. When he broke up with me, his explanation was that he did not fancy me anymore, did not love me and never wanted having kids, he loves them but according to him I forced him to have them. He listed all the physical aspect he did not like like my teeth, my eyes, that I was fat. I don't want to be friend with him, I am civil because of the kids, don't want to meet his new partner, will go to events if she is not there but don't want to see them together. When in public he will be all nice to me but in private he is an ass. If he could move far away, I will be more than happy to never see him again.

Sorry to hear that @ErinAoife . I asked for space because of his actions, he decided we were done but he doesn't talk to me unless absolutely has to. Has been abusive and harassing me over the divorce. I hate how he is making me question myself.

I haven’t seen my ex since about 1996. He moved to the other end of the country and I was so glad that he’s gone and I never ever have to bump into him ever again. I was terrified of him and he made me and our daughters lives a misery every single day.

He had three other children before his new wife chucked him out and now he doesn’t see any of his children from either marriage.

He has two grandchildren he never sees or bothers about, they have no idea he even exists (they are lucky). He now has ill health but manages to go drinking in the pub every single day.

I bless every day that this loser is no longer in my or my daughters lives. He’s toxic but thinks it’s everyone else’s fault.

He tried to contact me once through Facebook messenger. I deleted and blocked him (very satisfying). If he died tomorrow I’d smile quietly to myself. He’s reaping what he sowed.

We are not friends, but our daughter also knows we can be and are cordial, can sit in the same room for events, and the she doesn't need to worry about that. I think it's pretty shitty as an adult, if you put your kids in a situation where there is anxiety and dread because they either have to choose, or are afraid of the atmosphere.

Best friends.

We're probably going to get remarried 😂

He broke my heart, and I don't think I will ever recover, and most people thinks I should be nice to him and his new partner, but why should I forgive him for all the pain he inflicted me. I did not deserve the way he treated me, the comments he made about my appearance. He should have been honest and told me he had met someone else instead of putting me down. The other one broke up with him and he has now a new one but I don't care I still don't want to see him with someone else.

I think many women are forced into taking this approach - it's a full time job to get and maintain what is fair.

I look forward to this day. Until then, there’s not a cat in hells chance I will ever speak to him again.. (no kids, so I have that luxury)

There is no evidence of what you call shitty behaviour from anyone on this thread.

I could never have been friends with my ex. He treated all of us very badly. He never did anything with the kids when married - no school events, days out etc, so nothing changed post divorce. .My ex died a few years post divorce, so no weddings etc. for us to both attend.
I am still friends with his family. I had known them for over 20 years when we divorced and they understand how badly he behaved.

She didn't say there was.

Calm down.

You asked people to share their experiences, not be vessels for your very evident rage.

@BirthdayRainbow- you misunderstood- I was talking about how I feel and how I do it- having seen the results of kids hyperventilating and almost to the point of vomiting knowing mum and dad would be at a school event and not knowing who they were supposed to look at/ talk to first to not cause a scene. We had a horrible separation, it was very acrimonious, but I've tried to always keep that away from her, for the above reasons. I never stated anyone had been shitty, only that I find it generally and non specifically shitty......

I'm friends with my second XH, yes. So long as I don't have to be in his company for too long it works ok.

Unusually I'm also still friendly with my XPILs- in fact I went for lunch with them and ds2 recently.

I was friendly with my first XH, although he didn't ever pay any maintenance and would frequently ditch his weekends with ds1 with no notice. He died ten years ago and I certainly don't miss him on my own account, but of course ds1 does.

My mother and father divorced when I was 10. I (and my siblings) then endured 40-something years of mother bitching incessantly about our father. Weddings, christenings, family parties were all made difficult and uncomfortable for us because of her animosity towards him. And, I'm afraid to say, it did colour our view of her. Not that she disliked him, but that she put her own feelings above ours, every single time. There was nothing that was more important to her than her bitterness about our father.

My ex-husband is in another country (U.S.), though God knows how with a criminal record and a deportation from Canada to Ireland behind him.

No, this isn't a wind-up. It's true. Though in his case, I think it's a question of not what you know, but who you know, as to why he got in.

I'm perfectly happy with that. I have 4 adult youngsters by him. There is only my daughter who has any contact with him..

The divorce was from hell to the ex. It would take a whole night to write it up.

My 2nd husband is the dad he didn't have to be to mine/ours.

My daughter is in a long-term relationship with children. If she was to marry her partner, they would go to a beach and do it or nip to the registry office.

There is nothing in God's green earth that would make me be in the same building as him.

I might have considered it for an hour or so for her wedding before my 2nd husband passed unexpectedly 6 years ago. There is no way I would be without my late husband with me.

Nor would I expect or even ask any of my sons to escort me.

My late husband is named on my eldest marriage certificate as step dad of the groom. My other sons will do the same.

The ex was abusive, so this is one of the reasons why.

He is blocked by email, messenger, social media, etc, and has no way of contacting me, and that is the way it will stay