Husband forcing to sell house after split

[Misschattyx]

Hi all I'm really looking for some advice. My auntie's husband left her 4 months ago due to the fact he didn't love her anymore and left. It was a massive shock. They were together 38 years! He moved out and got a rented place. We have since found out there was another women but no evidence this was happening when he was with my aunt and he denies it was. He said it was a silly fling and things hadn't been right at home for a long time and he couldn't put up with it anymore. My aunt can be abit mych at times and gets aggravated wheb things dont go her way and ive seen this first hand when he lived there. Apparently this relationship is over.

Anyway, when he left he was happy for my aunt to stay in the house they shared as he didn't want it. They had 3 years left to pay on the mortgage and it was all theirs and he walked away from it and everything in it. He had nothing but clothes on his back. I helped my aunt emotionally and managed to get uncle some cheap things online or charity shops and both started a life apart, though it was hard going between them. He works but was struggling as the rent is more then the mortgage but was making do and said he was happy how he was But did struggle to afford food etc.

The shocker came yesterday when he told my aunt he now wants to sell the house as he needs the money. My aunt is devastated and doesn't know what to do if she can do anything. She's not sleeping eating and started to drink alcohol at night and I'm worried. She had 2 weeks off work when he left due to stress and this has sent her straight back to that hole. Is there anything she can do? She is going to see a solicitor but this will be a struggle money wise. She's more devastated as this was inheritance for her 2 adult children and now they'll get nothing and they've found it hard going between them both and being there for them both. Can he force her out? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou.

To be clear, I think a quick advice from a solicitor would help bringing her back to reality.
Atm she is hurt and is lashing out. But she needs to realise what she wants to do (eg bringing the fact he was unfaithful when she has no proof) is just going to make things messier and cost a lot of money.

Next step could be going through mediation. It just seems that they will need an outsider to keep things more levelled as she doesn’t seem able to listen to people close to her.

Btw, your aunt might have a nasty shock regarding what she thinks she is entitled to depending on how big her dh debts are….
A £120k house divided in two is only £60k each. Depending on the debts he has, a lot if it could be eaten by that :(

@JustOneLife i get where you are coming from.

I also think it’s a shit way of dealing with it. They might not be in good terms anymore but this is basically a case of one partner deciding they have enough - as is their rights.
If you were advocating to a man to do that to a woman and basically fleece her as much as he can, there would be uproar.

Husband has an affair, leaves wife after 38 years; offers her the house.
Spends all his money on his new girlfriend, then comes back and says he's broke and now wants half the house. Pressures her to sell without any divorce or agreement in place. That's a shit way of dealing with it.

The issue your aunt might find it that you can't buy a property in the same area, to keep near family & friends, with half the equity. My mum had this, and had to move elsewhere in the country because of house prices.

If this has come as a bolt from the blue for your aunt, she might be in for a bumpy ride.

Well I've spoken to my uncle today and he's basically said this is not what he wanted by any means. He left because he didn't love her anymore and couldn't deal with certain things. He admitted the fling and said it was a stupid thing to do and he's sorry for it all and he wanted her to keep the house and meant what he said but things have changed and he's basically on his ass and can't afford his rent anymore and he's now choosing between food or paying bills. He said his hand is forced.

Aunt on the other hand won't have any of it. I've tried to mediate like I've been asked and tried to seek advice and I now can't do anymore. I've told the children it's out of their hands and they shouldn't be dragged into this and the best thing is to be there emotionally for them but the legal stuff can only be sorted by them and a solicitor.

I've told both aunt and uncle how this is affecting them. I can see why the children are confused because they're being pulled from pillow to post and don't want to take sides but the daughter said she feels like her mums making her pick her side.

The OP said clearly that there is no proof of an affair.
But that her uncle had a fling afterwards and her aunt assumed it had been going on before.

And even if there had been an affair, the financial settlement will not be affected by it so that’s a moot point really.

@Misschattyx im sure of your aunt and uncle realise but they are at risk of loosing both their dcs. They can’t use them as a go in between or full on emotional support.

Yes, I agree - the financial settlement will not be affected by the affair.

However, it does give the aunt plenty of leeway to put herself first and prioritise her own financial interest. Waiting for her husband take the lead on initiating and paying for the divorce and any settlement agreement; cooperating only when necessary would seem to be the most advantageous strategy for her in the circumstances.

Aunt on the other hand won't have any of it.

She can’t just ignore it-the house will need to be sold. If she’s struggling money wise to see a solicitor, being obstructive and unhelpful about the whole thing will only make her bill higher!

You can't divorce for adultery anymore. Divorce is only granted on the grounds the marriage has irretrievably broken down. That's it. No mud slinging or anything else. It has no bearing on finances either.
50/50 is the starting point. The house will have to be sold.

Whilst knowing that her ex is struggling to eat?

Again if it was the other way around, would you find it normal?

She might get to feel better. She might end up in a better position financially
But it is a good way to alienate yourself from your own dcs. And personally, I couldn’t look at myself in a mirror.

@Misschattyx Just read your most recent update and I agree, I think you have done what you can now. Your Aunt isn't ready to listen to any reason and you and their children have no choice but to step back, and let the solicitors deal with advising them. Being involved as the go-between isn't fair on any of you

If the aunt is not initiating a divorce, or financial settlement agreement, she will not receive a bill up to the point she decides she needs to take some legal advice (which can be done on an ad hoc basis for a relatively small sum).

The costs of legal fees is paid by whoever initiates and propels the divorce - in this case, her husband.

He should move back in and they live separate lives while the divorce and finances are sorted.
He has as much right to live there as she does and he can be saving as much as possible in the meantime to help with another purchase.

Many people who separate have to do this while the legal side of things are sorted.

Unfortunately you have to take the emotion out of this (I know it's difficult), it's a marital asset and as such she can't refuse to engage over it. She's better off hitting this head on and sorting something out.

Maybe she could go to mediation with him and offer him an amount of money if he needs money, sometimes dangling ££ in front of someone will tip the scales. But this time your Aunt needs to tie it all up via a solicitor, if she'd done this when he first left, then he wouldn't be able to now change his mind. That said, he is completely entitled to his share of the marital home etc.

@JustOneLife The costs of legal fees is paid by whoever initiates and propels the divorce - in this case, her husband

That's not completely true, she can request he covers the costs, but unless a judge agrees (which again is not a given) she may well end ip paying a % of the costs.

I divorced my dh and paid 50% of all costs.

It's really irrelevant that he "didn't pay the mortgage" he paid an equal amount into household expenses.

Did they get divorced? Does she still work?

This sounds awful but with such a small divorce pot to share, I would want the solicitors fees to be minimal. They both need as much as possible for their new homes.

I would advise them to think about things and to calm down before deciding how to proceed. Divorce can be exorbitantly expensive and they don’t want to end up sharing a smaller pot after the solicitors have had their thousands

Yes, this is a possibility for court fees and perhaps the cost of mediation, or if both spouses have agreed to a mutual amicable arrangement for settlement.

However, the majority of the costs are incurred by the spouse initiating a divorce and financial settlement by the engagement of a solicitor to advise and take the process forward for them. I have only heard of a small number of cases where half of these costs has been forcibly shared. It is has been in situations where the other spouse has tried to unreasonably frustrate the whole court process - not in instances where they simply wait for their spouse to follow the legal process as and when they are able to.

Sounds like they both contributed to the domestic expenses equally at the time... whether some money went on mortgage and another on bills is a technicality really, they shared a long life and any assets either of them have are the result of joined financial forces.

It was incredibly, but unrealistically, noble of him to wash his hands of all the equity they had in the home and essentially leave himself back at square one and her in the clear.

I'm sure she does not want her comfortable position to degrade, who would at this time of life.

However, reasonably, ethically, she can't expect him to exist in destitution while she is secure when they both pulled their weight financially in their marriage.

Of course she will hate this, resist, resent it etc etc.
But a relationship can break down and there are no guarantees in life, it sounds like he gave it his best shot and it doesn't sound like there is blame on either side really.
Yes he had a fling but after 30+ years of faithfulness that sounds out of character and less the cause of her woes and more the catalyst for him to have realised how unhappy he was.

Support them both, help her sell and find an alternative home and do what's fair and right by the uncle.

The kids inheritance is irrelevant, the living who need it now are the priority. It's nice to leave your kids something but if life doesn't turn it that way, so it is.

He moved out 4 months ago. After 38 years I doubt 4 months of not sharing mortgage payments is going to make much difference

@Misschattyx He never paid the mortgage from what I can gather. She said the agreement was she paid the mortgage and he paid the bills to an equal amount.

It's all semantics though isn't it. They both paid equal amounts. It would be wholly unfair for the partner who technically didn't pay mortgage but paid equally by covering bills etc to not have an equal share in the house.

It's half his house. You sound like you think he is in the wrong. Just because he said something in the heat of splitting up doesn't mean he's signed his rights away.

Why are you so happy to see him destitute.

He has every right to move back in to his house. I don't think this sounds like something anyone would want

Even if he did have an affair, it doesn't change what he is legally entitled to. He doesn't have to stay in a marriage that no longer works for him, and he doesn't have to give up everything to be able to leave that marriage. Your aunt needs to start being proactive about her future, rather than wallowing in anger. Either sell the house, remortgage it, or raise money some other way. She has two spare bedrooms now, so she can take in a lodger or two to help with the bills.

@JustOneLife Husband has an affair,
There is no evidence he had an affair whilst they were together.
leaves wife after 38 years; offers her the house. Things said in the heat of the moment are meaningless
Spends all his money on his new girlfriend,
What money? He is unlikely to have had a big stash of money. Probably living pay check to pay check. then comes back and says he's broke and now wants half the house.
Yes. HIS HALF
Pressures her to sell without any divorce or agreement in place. That's a shit way of dealing with it.