Husband forcing to sell house after split

[Misschattyx]

Hi all I'm really looking for some advice. My auntie's husband left her 4 months ago due to the fact he didn't love her anymore and left. It was a massive shock. They were together 38 years! He moved out and got a rented place. We have since found out there was another women but no evidence this was happening when he was with my aunt and he denies it was. He said it was a silly fling and things hadn't been right at home for a long time and he couldn't put up with it anymore. My aunt can be abit mych at times and gets aggravated wheb things dont go her way and ive seen this first hand when he lived there. Apparently this relationship is over.

Anyway, when he left he was happy for my aunt to stay in the house they shared as he didn't want it. They had 3 years left to pay on the mortgage and it was all theirs and he walked away from it and everything in it. He had nothing but clothes on his back. I helped my aunt emotionally and managed to get uncle some cheap things online or charity shops and both started a life apart, though it was hard going between them. He works but was struggling as the rent is more then the mortgage but was making do and said he was happy how he was But did struggle to afford food etc.

The shocker came yesterday when he told my aunt he now wants to sell the house as he needs the money. My aunt is devastated and doesn't know what to do if she can do anything. She's not sleeping eating and started to drink alcohol at night and I'm worried. She had 2 weeks off work when he left due to stress and this has sent her straight back to that hole. Is there anything she can do? She is going to see a solicitor but this will be a struggle money wise. She's more devastated as this was inheritance for her 2 adult children and now they'll get nothing and they've found it hard going between them both and being there for them both. Can he force her out? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thankyou.

I kinda did the same thing when I left my ex. I left with nothing but some clothes and said I'd take nothing. Because he was abusive and threatening me and I was scared of him and in the fog of having been abused and manipulated for years I felt like I didn't deserve any of it.

Once I was free and safe and and the fog cleared, I saw that I was entitled to my half of what we had and that I didn't have to give him everything.

At the end of the day, he owns half the house and he's entitled to it, no matter why he chose to leave.

Yep, all of this.

The figures just don't seem to add up.

£120k - when last valued - is highly unlikely to be the correct figure now. How long ago was that valuation done?

I think this is another example of the naivety of both uncle and aunt.

Just keep pointing them to solicitors. You cannot do this for them, and perhaps the blinkers will drop if the basic features of divorce and financial settlement are set out by a professional

(Failing that, I've heard that the Which? guide is pretty good as a starting point)

This I don’t know why your aunt seems to think she should have the whole house??? She’ll have to downsize with the money left over. Her ex husband still needs somewhere to live.

It is not unreasonable for him to ask and if she doesn't agree a court would order it as presumably no young children now. She will have to move somewhere smaller or cheaper. The starting point is 50/50. She might get more if she took career breaks to have children and he is in a much better position but that doesn't seem to be the case if he is broke. The best thing is negotiation. How much is he asking for? 50/50 or is he willing to accept a lower share as he instigated the divorce and told her she could stay.

Sorry should have been more descriptive about the house. The gouse was an ex council house they decided to buy years ago through some sort of scheme as they'd lived there so long they got it cheaper from what I can gather. The house is lovely but is in what some may call a more rougher area I guess. I grew up there and it did have a bad name back then but is aloy different now but house prices are quite low there, which is why I said she can sell up and buy again somewhere smaller but all I get from her is I'm too old to start again.

Yes I agree with the children older or not they do not deserve their parents ranting down the phone about each other. The uncle hasn't exactly badmouthed my aunt from what they say its mainly their mum badmouthing and I put this down to the fact he's walked out with no warning, apparently another women somewhere in the mix and it would settle down in time but now he's decided to sell its started again.

He has said 50/50 and to give some to the children out of each of their money. She definitely needs a solicitor as she's got her friends telling her do this, that and the other and badmouthing him obviously so she's taking what they say mainly so I've stressed she must get a solicitor to finalise things she can't go on what her friends say and yes he is very broke and from what he's said he can't afford much food either now the hours have been cut at work so it does seem this was his last resort.

I don’t see why so many people here are pointing out how he never paid the mortgage. A lot of SAHM’s never pay the mortgage, yet they get an equal share of the home. Do you find that unfair too?

It’s also irrelevant that he left the home.

“If your relationship has reached breaking point and one of you needs to move out, please do not worry about losing your right to the equity in the marital home. One of the most common myths in family law is that you will lose your legal rights to the marital home if you move out.”— Banner Jones Solicitors

yeah tough shit really to your aunt! only fait he gets his half! it doesn't matter that he didn't pay the mortgage - they are married and it's their house in both their names - nobody is left looking after small children! Aunt needs to face reality!!

https://www.divorce-online.co.uk/blog/using-adultery-as-a-reason-for-divorce/

Tell your aunt that she isn't in a episode of EastEnders with all this ranting about divorcing him for adultery and publicly shaming him. Since April 2022 the only grounds for divorce are irretrievable breakdown of the marriage. And his affair won't affect the outcome of a settlement over the property, either.

She needs to seek legal advice. Does she work? Can she buy him out? As will have to give him money by remortgaging or selling the house.

Mr cheaty thought the grass would be greener with the lady who fawned over him. Then he stepped onto that fresh lawn and unsurprisingly it too didn’t ‘meet his needs’. Of course he was cheating or dreaming of cheating prior. The ‘she was awful’ is often the rewriting of history to stop his cognitive dissonance. No-one wants to be the bad guy in their story.

Just a consideration but Maybe your Aunty is hotheaded because her husband was laid back and thoughtless so she had to be the sensible practical one. Hence he thought leaving and cheating and saying you have can the house without thinking of the implications and did you say he had hidden debt too were good choices to make. He must have thought he could live off fresh air, ego kibbles and sex. I would cut her some slack. Also her mood swings are normal for someone who is undergoing a trauma. She needs looking after. Being cheated on can cause PTSD. And she is also facing selling her home. So her stability and security is going too. Her retirement and dreams have been ripped away from her. I hope she finds peace.

There are several books she can read that explain the trauma of being cheated on (it may be worth you reading them so you can help). Not just friends by Shirley glass. How to help your spouse heal from your affair. Cheating in a nutshell. Plus the surviving infidelity forum. I know she is not reconciling but reading these will explain why she is all over the place. She is suffering a grief like trauma - and is jumping between the 5 stages.

I know of at least 2 people (and I suspect a third) who committed suicide due to infidelity. The trauma is very real. You are very kind to look after your aunty. The books may help explain where she is at. There is another book called ‘what happened to you’ which is not specifically infidelity related but you imagine how it could be. If she remains traumatised there are lots of other books on trauma that would help. Counselling with a specialist in trauma is recommended for her too. If she can afford one. Fresh air, exercise and healthy food.

I wish your Aunty well and really hope she can find happiness and stability going forward. I wouldn’t wish this situation in my worse enemy. The reading may help you understand her seemingly irrational behaviour. Her behaviour (on the phone for example) seems very normal to me.

The house needs to be sold and two separate properties found, though obviously their standard of living will undoubtedly be of a lower standard. It was very unrealistic of her to expect him to just leave her with the house!

I wonder where they live that you can get a 3-bed house for that money! Lucky though. Hopefully they will be able to each buy a 1/2 bed house or flat each. It’s not like the children’s ‘inheritance’ will suddenly not exist any more!

to give some to the children out of each of their money.

Why? If he’s very broke and can’t afford food, he needs to keep his half of the money and focus on securing his housing. The children can have their inheritance when their parents pass on, surely? Assuming it hasn’t been eaten up in care costs obviously.

It shouldn't be a shocker that he wants half of what's his. The shock is him leaving the marriage, presumably he just wanted to get out then realised the reality of "out" with no money.

Yup

You’re not wrong about the trauma adultery causes, but equally you are assuming she is completely innocent. It sounds like their relationship was toxic and should have ended years ago.

What isn’t acceptable is that victim of adultery or not, HER behaviour, HER actions are causing harm to not only her adult DCs but all those around her- the grandchildren too.

It’s fine to be hurt, angry, distressed, feel wronged, hopeless. But at some point you need to deal with this and stop it harming those around you. Therapy, hobbies, heck a fling with a younger man, whatever helps you heal. It’s not okay to be a victim forever, and it’s not okay to put your children through this. OP can read all the books she wants to try to empathise, that’s great, but if the aunt doesn’t change her behaviour at what point does her trauma stop being justification for the emotional abuse she is subjecting her loved ones to. At some point it becomes toxic.

And none of it changes the facts. They will get a no fault divorce and the house will be sold. The Aunt needs to come to terms with that. A solicitor or mediator could get her get to this point.

An area where you can buy a 3 bed house for £120k will have properties available at half that for Aunt to buy. I just did a random search on Rightmove and found some 3 bed houses for £120k in Sheffield and 1 bed flats in the same city for £60-£70k.

Is it how your Aunt was expecting to spend her retirement? Of course not, but unfortunately she will have to come to term with the reality that living as one person will only get you the equivalent of half what you had as two.

And it doesn't matter who paid the mortgage and who paid the bills. They both contributed the same amount each month and the mortgage and bills were paid. Even the fact that they paid the same amount each month doesn't matter. At the end of the day they're married, so the starting point in a divorce will always be 50:50.

I would suggest that your Aunt could do with speaking with someone to help her through the stages of grief over her marriage. Her bitterness will only end up benefiting two people - her solicitor and his!

I know it may not be nice for her but she is NOT too old to start afresh. I’m in my sixties and I too will need to sell the home because I own half with the ex. I’m actually looking forward to getting my own place rather than still having a financial tie with my ex. I’m hopefully going to go from a large-ish family house to a flat, although it won’t be anything really fancy as half the house doesn’t go far enough nowadays. I’m in my sixties and excited about it!

She needs to change her narrative; sixties is the perfectly normal time to downsize. It will more likely be a flat than a bungalow because of her reduced assets, but she needs to stop with being the victim or she’ll soon run out of support.

He paid towards the house - his and her current accommodation needs trump his adult children’s future inheritance

Sell the house, pay off rest of mortgage, take the money and invest it in a flat or something surely? Just make sure she gets plenty of valuations as i know someone who was completely ripped off and got 60k less than it was actually worth.

If he cant afford food then he absolutely needs his money from the house.

I am not sure ir the risks/legalities but could Aunt pay him his share in installments? This would allow him to afford to live?

It may be sensible to sell and both buy smaller property then nobody is paying rent. (And children will inherit the smaller properties)

She needs a solicitor asap.

I’m going through the process of buying my ex out and have my new mortgage agreed so now in the conveyancing stage. My ex also did not contribute towards the mortgage, which I have evidence of as we did not have a shared bank account, but his name was on the mortgage and property deeds.

My solicitor has told me that my ex is legally obliged to pay 50% of the mortgage so she is going after him for his missed payments and this will be deducted from his equity share and paid back to me. If he fails to agree in the conveyancing process it will be forced through by the sheriff siding with me.

We had a separation agreement drawn up which he signed and one of those clauses was that he would remain 50% liable for the mortgage, which he did not abide to but my solicitor said even without that we’d be going for that claim.

I’m in Scotland so not sure if that makes a difference but she needs to get some legal representation, it wasn’t as expensive as I thought it was going to be but if we go to court it will obviously cost a lot so hopefully don’t end up there. Unfortunately your uncle can force the sale but your aunt needs to find out her options so she can be in a strong position.

As far as I can make out your Aunt is at best a bully but in reality she is abusive. Anyone who leaves their home with nothing more than the clothes on their back is someone who lives in fear. The fact he could not go back and collect his things is frankly sinister.

Whether this is triggered by the hurt or not, this is wrong. She cannot coerce people into doing what she wants to their harm and detriment. In your shoes OP I would question why you are acting on behalf of someone behaving this way. Have you heard of the term flying monkey?

This isn’t even a situation that requires legal input and that will cost all parties a lot of wasted money. They were married and it doesn’t matter who paid for what. The house and the pensions are joint assets and should be split according to need. Your aunts ravings are not just detrimental to his needs but also to her desire to leave it all to her children. She doesn’t own the house so cannot leave it to anyone. They both own it.

As others have said her Eastenders divorce fantasy is far off the mark. No one is going to get named and shamed in the divorce never mind penalised for it.

No promise, verbal, written or even in the form of a post nup will trump divorce rights and entitlement.

The best thing for them both is to agree to sell and split the equity and to keep their pensions. They cannot afford a legal battle which would eat any wealth they have. At the moment he has nothing to lose and everything to gain. She has everything to lose and nothing to gain by a legal battle.

Again if your Aunt is looking for helpful advice then it’s up to you whether you get involved.But her mental health isn’t going to get better if she fights a battle she cannot win and engages in a public slanging match.

She needs to see a solicitor. When drawing the financial split, all assets are taken into account. It’s not just ‘let’s split the house 50/50’.

So it will depend a lot on what pension they both have, debts like CC, car loan etc….

It is my understanding that until they are divorced and a financial settlement is agreed, your aunt doesn't have any obligation to sell the house and can't be forced to do so. There is no need to panic... there is plenty of time. It is unlikely she needs a solicitor yet - hold fire for now.

In her situation I would stay put in the house; wait for exH to initiate the divorce and pay for it; let him take the initiative of beginning the process of negotiating a financial settlement, and pay for it.
All of these things could easily take a couple of years or more and could be eye-watering expensive for him. If she doesn't co operate in an amicable negotiated settlement, he would have to take it to mediation then court, which can easily reach £20K+ in court and solicitors fees. If he is short of money it may well stall the process indefinitely.

Strategy:
-Stay put in the house;
-Close any joint financial accounts;
-Let him do the legwork of the divorce, let him pay the fees;
-Wait for him to start a negotiated settlement; only co-operate when it's in her interest to do so.
-Take one-off sessions of legal advice at each stage to keep a lid on any costs.
-If he pressures her to start selling the house, repeat the mantra : 'Nothing happens until after the divorce and a financial settlement agreement', and stick to it.