Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

Tbh with judgy friend once I move I won't see her again. It's a shame as we've been friends for 14 years but it's not progressed to where you'd expect after that length of time. I'm wary of telling her the truth but not sure I can articulate why. She's not replied anyway.

Brilliant! Keep telling yourself and practice what you'll say and accept yourself you're not going on the ridiculous day out, make that happen. I often tell myself X happened, you coped by doing Y, you'll be okay, it's just a moment.

She has just replied but just made a comment about me buying a house. Was ok.

@BirthdayRainbow If that's the case I think I'd keep my distance. It might be tempting if you need some company now I think keep her at arms length. I get that the friendship might just have been a slow burner.

So I could have got into some bother earlier. There's a couple who my parents and I are close to. The rest of the family know them. They spent Xmas day with us, they're like godparents to my dc. That kind of relationship. They have not been invited. DM says would you feel better about going if they were there. For me the answer is absolutely. So DM says run it past the group. Someone posts that they're against the idea and it's family only. I'm thinking they've been more like family to us than any of you lot have but I actually just reply 'fair enough'

I'm glad she replied in the end.

So have you said you're not going?

@BirthdayRainbow I did and then DM suggested that and I did think it would make it bearable because I love spending time with them and do consider them to be part of the family. There was no way I expected anyone to say no we can't invite them! Obviously I'm even more determined not to go now but now I also have to tell DM that DSS doesn't want anyone else invited. But I don't really want to think about it at the moment it just makes me angry!

Would it make you less angry if you told her? Then it's not going round your head.

My friend just said to let her know if I wanted to meet up. I said socialising is hard for me at the moment but I probably should.

Just remembered h is coming tomorrow. Ds is now having his appointment at two then going to see my MIL. I think I'll run, walk the dog then stay out of h way and carry on sorting the stuff in the loft. Should be far enough away from him then. Can't bare knowing he is even in the house never mind be the same room as him.

@BirthdayRainbow Morning! Hope you are OK this morning.

So, the one who is being harsh is going through something health wise at the moment and I kind of feel like I need to make allowances for that. I'd had enough of it all yesterday but wanted to give it time in case someone else responded but they didn't. I will discuss it with DM, I also think I need to see if DSB turns up at the weekend and I've had another idea about a compromise. But I also think this all proves that they all have a problem with me surely it's better for everyone if I'm not there.

I don't know what to suggest about your friend. I do know how it is to feel obliged to be sociable. From experience this can go either way for me. I'm wondering if you should get today and your next therapy session out of the way and see how you feel after that. You were right to tell her how you're feeling about it.

Your plan for today sounds good. Hope everything goes well.

Hi @Whsthappensnow how are you? I'm not too bad thanks. I went for my run then walked the dog. Have spoken to H a bit as some stuff needed to go to the charity shop and he's taking some stuff to sell as well. Was okay but I'm staying out of his way.

It is always nice to make allowances as long as you don't get crap in return. If they have a problem with you it might be time to find out what it is. Don't waste time on people who don't care about you as you do them.

The friend who said about meeting up was very judgemental to me. About the fact I talk to my ex and have dinner with him, the fact I didn't leave my h when he and an affair and finally that I had one glass of wine and some biscuits for the first time in months...honestly I'm not that bothered about seeing it again. How can it be a friendship when I don't want to tell her what is going on? I don't trust her to not give me unsolicited and unnecessary advice as well as more judgement.

@BirthdayRainbow I'm glad your day has gone well so far. It sounds like he hasn't hassled you too much and you've been able to get a few bits and pieces done.

I've had an OK day at work but it was a bit full on and tiring.

So my stepsiblings have issues with me over finances. They think I've had a massive hand out from my parents. I've felt like it's not my place to explain but also I don't care about theirs so why should they care about mine but they have had a problem when my parents moved and when they bought thier new car because they are worried about thier inheritance. Trouble is, my parents have never corrected them.

Also they can be nasty, and inconsiderate. We had a family get together not long after my ex had asked me to leave. Other dss insisted on playing the wedding video of the wedding I wasn't invited to days after my marriage had broken down and it was very triggering for me. Hence I dread communicating with them and spending and time with them.

I remember saying 'do we have to do this now?' To dss re wedding video and she said it was your own fault you weren't invited and I just burst into tears.

I've said to my dm, how is this kind of behaviour OK? And she says 'I can't deal with this it aggregates my migraines '

If these people weren't stepsiblings I can assure you I'd have nothing to do with them.

You and this friend I see as a similar situation to me and gossipy mums. I think you'd have to be really desperate for company to want to spend time with people who judge you like that and I know what you'd be saying the same to me. Your relationship with your ex I think to some they might see it as emotional affair territory that could be why she's judging but I guarantee in the same circumstances she'd be doing the same. I have a one that got away and if he hadn't declined my friend request and offered me the support you are getting from yours I'd absolutely take it.

Hi @Whsthappensnow it has been okay but I'm clock watching until he goes. He was in the garage and messaged my son who was upstairs asking if he wanted to go to McDonalds. So they did. He asked my son how he was doing with the situation and also that he was struggling and having private therapy. DS said he was fine and didn't ask why h was struggling.

Glad work was okay and hopefully you'll get a good rest tonight and tomorrow will be less full on.

What is what your parents give you money wise got to do with your step siblings unless you share a parent? And even then it's for your parents to decide what they do with their money, no one else. Your parents really should have corrected them though. My MIL used to give me money but didn't give my BIL the same.

Playing the wedding video is really selfish and nasty. If I was trying to be charitable I would say maybe they thought you might like to see it if you weren't able to go to the wedding but 1) they should have asked and 2) if you weren't invited they should have asked depending on why you didn't go to the wedding.

There sounds like there is jealousy going on.

Migraines are awful so sympathy but it doesn't mean she can't deal with unacceptable cruelty towards her child!

H has left. I thanked him for everything. He's done a lot and has taken a lot of stuff so it does help.

Try and limit your interaction with them. Step siblings doesn't mean you should accept negative behaviour. If you can't ignore completely then protect yourself in other ways.

I fully accept we are having an emotional affair. I'm not going to lie. How can we not know it when we still have feelings for each other and fancy each other? It isn't great and my only defence is my h and his wife will never know as we don't want them hurt but I absolutely take full responsibility and if he wasn't giving me vital support, which takes nothing from his life, then I wouldn't do it.

My second oldest friend told me I had questionable morals and I wasn't who she thought I was because we were talking a lot and meeting up. Many years ago there was one kiss after h had cheated. She said some really unnecessary and unkind things and so I left and we've barely spoken since. I got a letter a few months ago and we have had a few texts. She hasn't responded to me saying we should have a proper chat on the phone and she took two weeks to reply to my text when I told her I'd lost my only relative who bothers with me. I didn't reply and then she messaged again a month later. Today I've told her I've been upset about my bereavement, that I've not been well physically and mentally and that h and I have separated. Let's see what happens. I was very hurt by what she said, it was the final straw which meant I made an attempt of my life but I miss her at times and we've mostly had a good friendship. This will be last time though if I don't get back what I should.

@BirthdayRainbow That must have been so uncomfortable! Hope you have got through it now and given yourself a pat on the back for doing so. That's great that ds got his McDonald's and didn't feel the need to ask any questions!

So, my DF died and my SM contested the will and won. DM had an inheritance (from another relative) as did my dc and I my parents have basically found a way of protecting some of this which helped set me up. My parents never explained this to them nor gave them reassurance there's plenty left! However they all new about what happened with my DF.

Also I had trouble ttc. Around the same time dsb's now wife, dsn and dss were all pg at around the same time as me. They all had healthy births and I had an MC at 15 weeks. Dsb's wife still held a grudge that I didn't celebrate the pregncies and didn't invite me to the wedding.

So they are all out of order about everything.

Jealousy has never been an emotion I have ever understood. It's been suggested to me before but I'm a bit confused as to why they would be. On paper thier lives are much better than mine but they are just irrelevant to me.

I've never actually worded it to my dm like that but it's true and when I look back it went on since my parents first got together and we were all at school!

I've muted WhatsApp groups before because I couldn't take it. I deleted one once and got accused of 'flouncing'

So back to you, if I questioned your morals it would make me a hypocrite because I know I'd be doing the same and I would challenge anyone who wouldn't. Actually that's a good point that he's not taking anything away from his life. The fundamental thing is you know the boundaries and you're taking support from wherever and when your actual friends are a bit crap anyway no wonder you are drawn even more to him!

Give that other friend a bit more time but definitely last chance!

So I'm in the same class again tomorrow I've just found out. When I came home and reflected on the day I realised I had quite a breakthrough with one of the students so they've obviously requested my presence again!

Thank you @Whsthappensnow the worst bit was when I was talking to him about what we were going to do with some textbooks and he was giving me the bare minimum. He so obviously didn't want to talk to me. It's not fair as I've not hurt him. I think DS didn't ask as he isn't interested in why h is struggling I want to know though! Not interested due to his treatment of us, not because DS isn't caring of those who treat him right. None of the kids understand why he is struggling as he brought it all on himself.

Bloody hell! People can be so stupid over money but to be so heartless when you've miscarried, words fail me. I am so sorry for your loss. I've had two miscarriages and one was DS twin so I understand a bit.

Jealousy is an awful feeling and it says more about the person who is jealous than the object of their jealousy. Maybe they see you as having your stuff together, who knows.

Ah, annoyed at you leaving the WA group. How dare you take yourself away from their entertainment. Then their immaturity by saying you've flounced.

You have been very kind over my ex but the fact is we have very strong chemistry so I have been thinking I shouldn't see him or have any contact. It's so complicated but I've loved him forever. When I saw him a few months after h told me about his affair I knew full well I could have slept with him and h would have stayed but I know the pain of being cheated on.

Well done on work! That sounds really positive and I hope you take confidence in them wanting you again.

Morning everyone.

Hi @Whsthappensnow I had the weirdest dream. All I can really remember is being in a room listening to someone speaking stood next to my first love with the long time friend I messaged yesterday glaring at him. My FL and I wanted to talk but she was staring at him and speaking to him so he couldn't.

She hasn't replied. I've not looked to see if she has read it but no doubt I'll get a message from someone else so will see. I feel quite stressed tbh.

Morning @BirthdayRainbow I believe dreams are our brains downloading all the rubbish. Like when you de-frag a computer. It might mean something it might not but its just your subconscious processing everything that goes round your brain during the day.

Something to mention to your therapist maybe?

I think your friend should have at least acknowledged you even if she was too busy for a full response but I'm used to people treating me like that.

Try and do some nice things for yourself today.

Hi @Whsthappensnow thank you. While walking with my dog she sent me three messages. I decided to wait until I got home to open them so I could deal with them. She then sent another. At least one I felt I wasn't going to like. On the way home my dog refused to move when near her friends house and I found out my friends dog saw mine, so I let go and she ran to the house. So I went in and spoke to my friend and she said look at the messages so I did.

They were ok but I'm quite befuddled. She said she can't comment on the situation with my h as she doesn't know the circumstances. I've decided to follow my friends advice and not reply. Her messages don't make me want to tell her as she hasn't asked. There's a fine line between trying not to be nosy but not showing any real interest and care. She knows what h did and she knows what he said so she could hazard a very good guess as to what has gone on. Maybe she thinks we have split because of my ex but surely you would ask?

I am going to carry on sorting the loft stuff, watch the football, eat some chocolate and be kind to myself. My son bought me a raspberry ripple liqueur for my birthday but I am always wary of drinking alcohol when I am feeling low. What do you think?

Thank you for your kindness. I will discuss with my therapist tomorrow She feels this friendship has been toxic. I just can't believe her response tbh.

How is everything with you?

Hi @BirthdayRainbow Oh gosh that sounds tricky. She might just not be who you want for advice and also really bad at communicating or worried about having an opinion? Honestly I can't unpick that and I probably wouldn't even bother.

So drinking, I have rules when I'm feeling low. I only do it later in the day and if I know I could easily stop at 2. To some even that might sound dangerous but I manage to control myself and if I think it's going to trigger some kind of downward spiral then I avoid it but regarding stress and anxiety caffeine can be just as triggering for me as booze can.

If a therapist told me any of my friendships were toxic I'd be avoiding those people like the plague. That's a person you are paying to help you make your life better remember.

So rubbish week so far. Ex isn't happy I made other arrangements for looking after the cat when I'm away, still hasn't booked accommodation for taking the dc away and hasn't given me any more money.

The DC are really upset because they have just joined cubs, their pack were mascots at a local team's football match at the weekend (non league but in the news a bit at the moment because they're on the verge of financial collapse) Anyway I didn't get the email, we all would have loved to go and the dc are devastated they missed it.

At work today I was taken out of class to run around after parents at the Easter celebration then I had my return to work interview after being off sick and it was hideous then I was just wandering around like a spare part.

DM has been in touch suggesting we book a hotel the night before the big family day out. I told her I can't think about it right now and then I told her what happened and she came back with a massive list of things that person had done to upset her and then said 'but we have to keep the peace ' and I'm thinking why do we??!!

..... so I bought a bottle of wine on the way home lol!

@Whsthappensnow we have been friends 14-19 and then for the last twenty years. She never has a problem telling me what she is thinking nor asking so I'm quite surprised. It might be because we stopped talking last year so she might not feel the same but she obviously wants to try and rebuild a friendship.

I have never been a big drinker and once h started drinking more I just stopped in case I needed to take the kids anywhere. We'd had a few nights where they were ill and needed to go to hospital. Then after his affair I realised I had drunk two nights on the trot as I was so devastated but knew it wasn't the way so stopped. My lovely ex has also said alcohol can be a depressant so that makes me apprehensive about drinking on sad nights.

I hear you re the toxic friend. I have such mixed feelings as when it is good it is great but when she was mean last year it was the last straw and I tried to end my life. She doesn't know this. I'm not replying to her and I'll discuss with my therapist tomorrow and I'll see how I feel if and when she messages again. I feel ok to stand up for myself with the friend so I'm not worried about things on that score. I need to be careful not to just slip back in to the rubbish dynamic I had before nor put up with rubbish because I am sad and lonely at times. When I move I will probably be half as near to her as I am now but when I house hunt she isn't on the list as someone I want to be able to get to.

Your ex seems to be in an it's not fair mood and stop not letting me control things and since you won't I'm going to not give you money or book to take my children away.

Oh what a shame for your DC. That would have been a lovely experience for them. Hopefully there will be another opportunity. If that was mine I would try and give them another treat to try and make them happy. Poor loves.

Hopefully work will get better or else another job will come up where you'll have a better time.

I am hoping one day you'll not just think why do we? but you will actually say it to your mum. We all take too much to keep the peace or because we are worried about what people will say plus worry about what "they" will think. Sometimes random people. It is hard to stick up for oneself when we have been conditioned a certain way but I'm standing up for myself so much more now.

I messaged h auntie as randomly thought about some kindness she had shown me when my DD was missing and very poorly and she's just replied saying she is always there for me. I really want to talk to her but it's so hard when she is his nephew. She's married in so might be a bit different though actually the natural auntie is fine talking about h. I'm hoping she'll say to ring.

Just had a message from my lovely ex saying he's having really long work days atm.

Enjoy your wine!

She didn't say ring. She said I'll always be family. I said I feel I'm losing everyone not just him. Having a tough day. She just replied with a kiss.

I do not want to be friends with him. One auntie has already said we need to find a way because we'll meet at weddings and graduations. I already know as things stand he won't be going to DDs graduation or wedding. Why the hell should I be friends with him just for everyone else not to feel uncomfortable? Once I move I have zero intention of seeing him, messaging him or talking to him again. I just don't want to.

I can't face cooking. Just having a tough day. Sorry guys. I'll try and do better.

@BirthdayRainbow Don't worry about trying to be better there is nothing wrong with who you are now. This is what you would be telling me. Also one day at a time. Yes there might be tricky family occasions in the future. Still very much is the case in mine but its not today's problem and its not the be all and end all and there's always ways around it.

How long you have been friends with someone doesn't necessarily reflect on the quality of the friendship. My friends who told me they had no time for me and suggested I try online dating asap? One I'd known 30 years and one 20!!

My new friends who I've met since are the ones that don't judge. I think, don't talk any more to any of them until you have spoken to your therapist. You are on the right track anyway so you actually don't really need them apart from the fact that you are lonely. They wouldn't actually be bringing much to your life.

I hope the auntie calls though and I'm glad the ex has given you a heads up that he's busy.

Did have some wine. Stopped at one glass.

I bought the dc loads of Easter treats and arranged a nice day out with friends when we get back from holiday. I thought about taking them to watch that local team play but then realised we can't make any of the home games they have left this season.

But I've been considering taking them to soccer aid. Especially since its at Stamford Bridge not Old Trafford this year but we wouldn't make it back on time for school the next day. Why does that kick off have to be so late!?

"Don't worry about trying to be better there is nothing wrong with who you are now."

Thank you for the above. That is so kind.

The auntie didn't ring and won't. I'm thinking I am backing right off tbh. I need to protect myself and I'm not going to do anything that gives me momentary comfort but then I feel awful later.

Judgy friend - won't ask to meet up. Will put off until I think of how to say what I want to say.

Long time friend - not replying and then if she checks in with me in a few days I'll say the minimum unless she asks anything or shows genuine friendship.

I've had two small glasses of my liquor but won't have any more. Haven't eaten properly, just toast and a few crisps and crackers, so best not to have any more alcohol.

Your Easter plans sound great. Soccer aid is a bit daft having a late kick off but is it due to being on the tv?

Just heard from my solicitor. H solicitor is demanding copies of my medical conditions. Proof I've already given them twice. A condition I have 100% because of H actions. Just leave me alone. Please.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes you absolutely do need to protect yourself. I don't think you are going to get the answers or reassurance you want from these people.

I also have stopped putting an effort in with anyone when I find myself pondering how to put things. I want to live a life when I can say what I want to whoever I want without worrying about the right way to word it.

I'm just pleased you ate something and you had a reasonably sensible amount to drink!

So soccer aid isn't until June I don't think but I can find ways of making it special. Yes it's on TV, so I'll invite people over or go somewhere with a big screen but given the price of the tickets and hotels if it was an afternoon kick off we'd be there in a shot!

OMG it gets worse! Stalling tactics? Being antagonistic? What does he gain from that apart from causing you more stress! My ex did that to me though so I know how it feels.

That is definitely one for the solicitor/therapist

I am so confused @Whsthappensnow as I know I gave the solicitor the health letters. It is the third time I have given them in. Meeting in a couple of weeks and then it will all become more official and the house can be put on the market.

I was doing better with the eating in that I was having something albeit only cheese and crackers and maybe some sushi. It tonight I wanted something hot but couldn't cope with cooking. I am trying not to buy any food as want to empty the freezer then pantry and cupboards in preparation for moving but it's bothering me I can't face cooking again. I had been doing so much better.

I have been better at saying what I want and not worrying about it but how do you tell someone you feel judged when it was months ago and you said nothing at the time? She's judged me three times and all were unnecessary and unfair.

@BirthdayRainbow can you contact your solicitor before the meeting and tell him he has everything and you are getting anxious about it all and don't want any more hold ups?

Oh I still never feel like cooking and cut corners wherever I can. I used to be quite a keen cook but since I separated from my ex I can't think of anything worse. If it's just me I'd still live off supermarket salads,sushi and sandwiches! But I get you needing to run everything down though. When I feel like I should eat something hot but can't be bothered I like those fresh soups in the plastic tubs. The M&S one in particular. Chicken and mushroom with rice in it. Its really comforting.

Run it past your therapist first. If you absolutely feel like you have to say something I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you felt judged and why didn't you say anything before? Wasn't appropriate, wasn't the right time, tried to hide the feelings but now you can't those are all reasonable.