Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

Obviously I don't know what photos. If rude then don't do that, if face then they are stupid as I'm sure you are gorgeous. The issue might be if they know you can't offer a lot of commitment they are assuming you're saying you just want casual sex. We all want validation. But once we learn who we need it from, ourself, and who we didn't need it from, random men, then it frees us up to be less stressed out ime.

Don't assume the photographer doesn't want to meet you. He might not have even seen your picture yet, he might be busy, he might be waiting til you meet casually.

Thank you. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but it's hard.

That does help thank you. I've kept so much of the children's, everything really, as I have very little from when I was a child. When you move from children's home to foster home it tends to get left behind, lost, taken. And it's their stuff. Not mine. Also experienced of people nicking my stuff.

Got to go out now. Back later. Have a good evening.

@BirthdayRainbow Yes just face ones because I said I change my hair a lot and they seem curious to know what I look like now. I think this is all because of my age. So both of these men are 39. They're keeping their options open. I'm saying I wouldn't rule out something casual at first but there would be boundaries.

Yes that is the issue I'm trying to deal with.

Yeah I know. Fingers crossed about the photographer. He's right up my street. We have lots in common too but I don't want to put too much pressure on my friend to arrange anything. This guy is her fiancées best friend. But she doesn't really know how he's got to that age being single, no DC and that successful and good looking.

I can imagine that's how you feel about stuff! Just be honest with your DC about. They might just not be as sentimental as you think. People don't do nostalgia as much these days. (She says from her very cluttered victorian house)

Good luck with your friend and have a great evening.

I'm back. Had a lovely meal and time. DS1 wanted to have a drink so I took my MIL home and my friend took her sons and mine home. Downstairs is my one and one of hers.

If my DD said something to go then I've got rid of it either in the charity bag or the bin plus DS2 has taken a couple of walls maps. She had loads of notebooks and they are nearly all not written in so she said I could have them.

I colour my hair a lot too. I hope you find someone but when the time is right. I don't feel it is quite right just yet. I feel men think they have all the choices and nearly always want someone a lot younger. Women are more sensible I think.

The photographer might just not have been in the mood for a relationship yet, he might not have known what he wanted, he might have wanted to build a career. He might have been waiting for you. Who knows. But it will work out if it is meant to.

Validate yourself then you don't need it from anyone else..

Hi @BirthdayRainbow That sounds like a lovely evening. I hope everything was OK with your MIL.

I think you will have a very good understanding with your DC in terms of what to keep and what goes.

Yes I've had a bit of a revelation about the dating thing. You might be right about it not being the right time for me. I did delete all the apps now. And friend IRL was saying the same thing although I did send her the photographer's website and she said see if I could arrange to meet him very casually in a social situation somehow.

He started his business in the last few years after a big career change and has done a lot of travelling too so I guess that's why relationships were on the back burner for him.

I'll get there with the validation thing. Recognising that online dating is bad for my mental health is a start and accepting that I was happier and more confident when I wasn't on it.

Hi @Whsthappensnow it was okay with my MIL that I said what I wanted to say. What frustrates is that she hardly ever says anything back never mind helpful. She said when talking to her son it's just about where he's been on his runs and walks. I said that's just superficial and not good. She said she can't force him to talk. This afternoon my son is going to see her as it is his birthday and I've no idea if h will be there. They haven't seen each other since my son asked what has happened but h doesn't know the kids know, nor that his mum knows.

It is more than a start. It's massive. Well done. I always think if you have given birth or become a mother another way that gives you amazing super powers and means you are stronger than you think. One just needs to start thinking it.

DS1 needs a lift at 3 so I've decided to message my friend to ask if he knows yet if we can meet as I have someone else house sitting and need to let them know. That way, if he replies and it is bad news I can just come home and walk the dog. If it is good news I will go shopping.

I'm my own worst enemy. I messaged him asking how he was. Replied immediately. I replied asking about something he had said and asked about Thursday, explaining why I needed to know. No reply yet. He could be busy and I know his phone is on silent but it feels like it often happens that we'll have messages back and forth then suddenly they stop.

I don't know if I've already said but today I can apply for the next stage in the divorce. I won't until I hear back from the solicitor though as well as because it is DS1 birthday.

@BirthdayRainbow That sounds like a perfect and very civilised way of dealing with your MIL. Hope your son gets on OK with her this afternoon.

Yeah I'm just angry at how much time I've wasted now! Meeting someone in real life when the time is right sounds like a much healthier prospect anyway.

I think that's a very sensible way to play it with your friend.

@BirthdayRainbow That crossed. I hope he gets in touch soon! You know the score though.

Yes I do @Whsthappensnow but sadly head and heart aren't always in alignment. I won't be mentioning it again.

@BirthdayRainbow I know that feeling very well. I hope you are OK just remember we're here and share only what you need to.

Thank you. Three times we arranged to meet last year and I felt it wouldn't happen on two of the occasions and it didn't. On the third I said to him don't say it if you don't mean it then I got the details quickly. It bothers me how happy I'll be to see him but I know I'll be okay if we don't but I will be disappointed. I keep thinking how when I move I'll be living a lot nearer to him and I have mixed feelings about that too.

If I don't go then I'll end up seeing h as he needs to come and do more DIY but I'll handle it differently from last time. It's hard getting the balance between wanting to talk and wanting to argue. It's better when we talk but then I just feel rubbish. Arguing is pointless as really I just want to get my point across and get some recognition from him. I'll never get it.

@BirthdayRainbow That's a very important message 'don't say it if you don't mean it' but in my experience most men don't seem to understand that! Try not to think that far ahead in terms of your move when it comes to this friend. It's two completely separate things isn't it? You have more important reasons for choosing the new location don't you?

I'm actually communicating with my ex through my parents at the moment because I can't handle any interaction at all so yes arguing is pointless but you do need to sort out the house. At the same time, try and do as much as you can for your own happiness this week.

@Whsthappensnow oh yes, absolutely. I was very wary about living too close to him and was very shocked when he sent me details of two houses, one which was 15 minutes away from him and one only five. I have my oldest friend and then three ladies who are 88+ who looked after me when I was small and I want to be able to see them more as I won't have them forever. I'm definitely not looking to live where I am because of him. We've already discussed not living in certain places as it wouldn't be conducive to my well being.

When DS1 came back from seeing his Nanny, h was there and my son brought back a box of stuff that h had taken. I'm really confused how as his stuff was very definitely separate from mine and obviously his. As I don't want to talk to him, or even message him, I've texted my MIL and asked her to ask him to check he hasn't taken any more of my stuff.

It's a good prompt to try and make my own happiness. Thank you. Tomorrow is easy in that I am up early, walk the dog, have therapy then go for a run. Then I'll carry on going through DDs stuff so I have plenty to do. On Thursday I'll walk the dog and then go shopping if I'm going for dinner. If not I'll carry on with sorting in the loft. If I don't go I don't know what h will do about coming over to do jobs. He was supposed to come yesterday but decided not to as would do it while house sitting. My other son is coming home on Saturday so I've lots to look forward to and keep busy. I'm just worried I won't get the night out I'd really like.

In other news, today I could do the next stage of the divorce but I'm waiting to hear from my solicitor as think I should wait until the finances are sorted.

@BirthdayRainbow That's interesting about your friend and the property details. Imagine a massive over thinker as you know so I'd probably read into that but the truth probably is that he just thought he was doing you a favour. Your other reasons for being there are much more justified.

Yes you definitely need boundaries about all the stuff. And you sound positive like the idea of just having a night out as opposed to specifically spending it with your friend which is a good thing.

That's great about the divorce but it's a shame you haven't got all the info you need yet.

I'm still not feeling 100 percent but I have to go back to work tomorrow. I don't always practice what I preach and even though I have things to look forward to Imagine feeling a bit flat this week.

Fucking hell crappy shitty bollocks.

@Whsthappensnow

Just got h replies to my questions. I don't agree with his answer to one but of course the building society staff have all gone home, the live chat is a robot that can't answer my question as doesn't understand it and the online banking doesn't give me the option to find what I want. I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow afternoon to traipse into town as I fully expect trying to deal with it on the phone will painful.

Also he's blaming the stress of the divorce for his health and also saying he can't work more than part time and so far agencies have said no.

He is literally just thinking of himself. Why is he so distressed about the divorce when he clearly doesn't want to be with me? How very dare I react to his disgusting behaviour.

My DD has been coughing up blood and he could help but she won't let me tell him. Can't say I blame her as when he doesn't help her we will all just feel worse.

I read a lot into him telling me about houses that close to him as well!

Sorry you're not feeling fully well again. If you are adamant you are going back to work tomorrow then try and get enough rest tonight.

@Whsthappensnow when he says no to dinner can you remind me I've got more important things to deal with please?

@BirthdayRainbow Well obviously it's up to you about priorities but we know what the sensible thing is here. And whilst it is a total pain in the backside I do agree that going into the building society is the only way to resolve any issues and get the fastest outcome regarding the info you need.

I've had all that from my ex too. It's been worse since he paid me short to fund his lads weekend in Bournemouth with his toxic friends. They're all in the same boat and they all behave exactly the same way. Wouldn't surprise me if they've recruited yours!

Oh gosh that's so scary for your DD. And you. It's all just awful.

So I suppose if the time andthe place is right you could bring it up in conversation with your friend but its not today's problem.

Yeah I'm annoyed at my ex too. And he tried blackmailing me in front of the kids at the weekend also we're short staffed at work and there's lots of pressure. It's a high staff turnover and also they're giving disciplinary action against people off sick and my friend got fired for it (the one who is getting married) so I've kind of felt like I've not been allowed to be ill if that makes sense.

..And getting ghosted by the doctor is minor in comparison and I'll get over it but it's just one more thing isn't it.

@Whsthappensnow ringing the building society would be less hassle in that I can do it from home and not leave the dog but I find that trying to explain anything slightly out of the ordinary on the phone is very painful. So I will go into town and make them help me.

Still no reply from him. Somehow I have to try and not message him then if it gets too late morning on Thursday I have to decide what to do. I don't care about telling h last minute but don't want to mess mil around as she's coming too.

Men are just shit. Some of them anyway. In the beginning I thought mine was a good one. I cringe when I think of some of the things I used to think and say. I think looking back I was trying to convince myself rather than praise him. Yours blackmailing you is out of order. Words need to be had. Maybe by your dad..

Today was dis birthday and apparently h said barely anything and looked really sad. Just unacceptable to not do a good impression of being happy and chatty for his son's birthday.

Companies cannot fire people for being sick! Not unless they are sick every Friday or three times a week. Would looking for a different job be an option?

It is one more thing. Even though you know he's a waste of space it will still feel like a rejection. I think we should have love affairs with ourselves. We won't let ourselves down.

Hi @BirthdayRainbow It was certainly my experience with my Building Society that branch is better and quicker. If you need documentation for anything you may be able to get it on the spot rather than waiting for post and saving printing costs.

I know how you feel about your friend and I get the situation but it's not good being messed around especially when it effects other people.

Yes we're thinking about my DSF having a word with my ex. My DM had a go at him yesterday. He said he'd do a school run as a favour to her not to help me and she said I don't need favours from you I need you to be a responsible parent!

Oh the birthday thing. That sounds familiar. What a nightmare!

So work fire people under probation which is the argument they used on my friends. I feel the same way about job hunting as I do about online dating. But what I think I might do is update the agencies I'm registered with with all my recent training and see what's about.

I know you're right about men. I'll get there.

Morning @Whsthappensnow Ive got my therapy at ten but I'm distracting myself. I have a list of account numbers and I need to know what they relate to. H is saying they are all the children's and on a certain date I took all the money and put it in my account. I don't think they are all the children's which means they have to be his. I did take the money and then immediately transferred it into their adult accounts. They were opened in my name as they were weeks old and the money couldn't be sent straight to them. I can prove all this and have packed ID. Thank you.

I suspect I'll hear from him in the morning. Once we arranged and then he never got back to me, even when I asked in the morning. I knew where he was and could have gone. He went with his wife so that would have been awful. He has no explanation for why he didn't tell me but I let him know clearly it wasn't acceptable. If it gets to 11 tomorrow there will be words.

Good for your mum! You shouldn't have to but definitely get your father to step in. They have every right as they are the children's grandparents. A bloody favour to her!! She's doing him the favour as it's his responsibility!

Good luck with the job hunting and you will get there. I'm trying to support not pressure.

I've had a word with myself today. Saying - the friendship isn't over, there will be other times, probably would have been last one before I move anyway and at least you are away from h. We have to be kinder to ourselves. Lots of people say I'm too hard on myself but I don't know how to be less so.

Hi everyone. How are you all doing?

@Whsthappensnow the lady in the bank was lovely after the male greeter was awful. On the face of it it looks like h has a lot of explaining to do about money movement.

Therapy was really helpful. I didn't feel better at the end but once I read all my notes and process things I feel better.

After the bank my h auntie rang me and we had a nice chat. She doesn't say a lot but is more helpful than my MIL and I very much appreciate that she calls me.

Hoping tomorrow morning I'll get the text. My therapist explained why I might not hear until the last minute and it made sense.

@BirthdayRainbow So does that mean he was trying to insinuate that you'd been fiddling around with accounts when it was him?

I'm glad you got help eventually and hopefully you can make some progress.

That's interesting about therapy. Don't worry if you don't want too but I wouldn't mind knowing what she thinks about the situation with your friend. Just out of curiosity.

Glad you spoke to your auntie too. It all helps I think.

Really hoping you get the outcome you want with your friend and therapy helps you deal with the situation otherwise.

So I agree about my folks and my ex. He just doesn't get his responsibilities. On Sunday the DC asked to see him again. They didn't want to do anything expensive they just wanted to go to the park. He said 'only if mummy comes too' and I just said no. (Didn't feel like I owed him an explanation but told the kids later I wasn't feeling well and had too much to do anyway.)So he then said to them 'in that case we're not going' So he thought I'd still want to spend time with him after how he's treated me lately?! He doesn't get I detest breathing the same air as him!

Work was OK today. I was in a crazy class but working with a teacher who is same age and same circumstances as me and who respects my intelligence ( those things are rare). Although she did ask me to write reports in my own time after my shift finished so that annoyed me a bit!

I've found out today my dd's choir are singing at the County show next month so I've had a bit of admin today to do with that, also had to organise fancy dress costumes for tomorrow and finish homework so too exhausted for job hunting today!

Hi @Whsthappensnow it turned out all the accounts except one were the children's. One was mine I thought was my daughter's. Until I get the statements I don't know for sure but nothing is adding up. I thought I took the money out in two lump sums and then paid it from my account to theirs. The statement is showing several random amounts going from the children's account into the joint and then I don't know where it goes. I can't see that I would have paid it into the joint when I never used it. Which leaves him. I know I didn't take any money out until I gave it to the children.

She has a relaxed attitude to my friend and I. She said nothing is black and white and we clearly have a very strong and unique bond.

It is actually H auntie which has made it harder as no one wants to hear their nephew criticised. I told her today he had an affair but she knows that isn't why we are getting divorced and tbh I think she has guessed he has cheated.

I feel your ex wants you there too with the children so he doesn't have to do any actual parenting. Or he wants you back. Or he likes making you angry, upset, squirm.

Is it the norm to write reports after hours?

That's great news about the choir. I hope all goes well!

I'm going for dinner with him then the next day going to see my DD as she's only half an hour away. Very happy.

I'm now not going. He has too much work on. Gutted I won't see DD.