Can we have a general divorce chat please?

[BirthdayRainbow]

My h moved out in July. I did not know he wouldn't be coming back but I'm fine that he hasn't. I feel like I was absolutely fine at the start as knew it was the right thing but now I'm feeling so heartbroken at what has caused this situation. I don't want him back. It's the right thing. So why am I so sad?

any advice re kids would be great. They are all over 18 but it's like he's struggling with the split that he thinks he doesn't have to be a father anymore.

Morning @BirthdayRainbow Did I read that right? So he said yes and you made arrangements so you could see dd as well then he cancelled on you because he had too much work? Well for your sake I hope that's not the case but if it is firstly, I'm so sorry, secondly, I hope you hadn't done to much preparation! Also you did kind of expect it. Do you know when you'll see him again and what are the tone of the messages like?

I think your therapist has quite a good attitude towards the situation with your friend. Her theory sounds right but I also feel like she wants to concentrate the therapy on other areas of your life. Would that be a fair assumption?

So I think you have hit the nail on the head re my ex. I actually think his issues are a dangerous mix of everything you suggested!

Work wise, the staff on full-time contracts based in permanent classes have laptops and admin time. I have neither of those things so reporting is a right pain in the bum! It wasn't a big incident yesterday anyway so I did think writing a report was pointless. This morning my name has been taken off the staff board so who knows what I'm walking in to!

In other news, I've just seen the bloke round the corner for the first time since he dumped me. I walked past him in town and I don't think he saw me. If he wasn't already talking to 2 other people I think I would have gone to say hi.

Hi @Whsthappensnow yes, that's what happened. I expected him to say no a few days ago and then he messaged after nine last night saying he wasn't sure. I said ok but I needed to know by X time. He said last night to come. I had done enough preparation but either way it was still annoying. I was a bit tearful this morning as was looking forward to seeing him and having a lovely dinner. He said he was awake all night stressing about it and he did let me know really early. I replied but he hasn't replied to me yet. If he doesn't message or ring tonight I won't be impressed. To be fair he said it was possible three weeks ago so it was never definite. Until last night. We had talked about how the night would be so it is disappointing. No idea when I might see him.

So I walked the dog for an hour and three quarters then went out to do errands. Since then I've been in the loft for hours going through some of the stuff. I've spoken to my mil twice and h once and now I'm having a rest. Later I'll be drinking wine.

It isn't a fair assumption as she has no issue talking about him. Sometimes the whole session is about a particular thing and we don't discuss him at all. It's different each week depending on what has happened. She knows how important he is to me and how much he is supporting me.

Hope work was okay.

Why would you have talked to him when he ghosted you? If I got that right.

What will you do about your ex if that is how you feel? I can't see my post so need to go and re read.

Yes, I was right with what I thought I'd written about your ex. Definitely time to knock all his nonsense on the head.

@BirthdayRainbow I hope you hear from him again soon and get a vague idea about when you might see him again. It's such a shame. I don't blame you for being upset but I hope in the meantime he maintains good communication and keeps supporting you. Also I hope he's apologetic.

Yes you do need dog walks and rest and wine.

I misunderstood a bit about your therapist and I'm glad it works like that.

Didn't have the best day at work and I heard some gossip about restructuring I didn't like the sound of so I probably either need to look elsewhere or get a meeting with someone and ask / tell them what I want in an ideal situation.

So, I'm on about the bloke round the corner who I chased for ages and he dumped me after I slept with him saying he didn't feel the connection. I normally see him a lot and I hadn't seen him in ages. My friend thinks I have unfinished business with him and should have asked for an explanation rather than blocking him on everything. But I wasn't sure how I'd react if I saw him. I had got used to him not being around. I was determined not to change my routines just to avoid him and wasn't sure how I'd react to seeing him again.

And tell me about it with my ex!

@Whsthappensnow he did say sorry for disappointing me which is a big deal as he's told me once how his wife said to him he never says sorry. But he says it to me when necessary. Nothing will change. Other than I won't ask when he thinks I can see him and next time he suggests it I will be quite guarded. I'll be making it clear he has to be certain before I start asking people to have my animals for me.

I've just come back from another dog walk with a friend. It was lovely and when I said I was feeling like I just wanted to cry she gave me a hug and said I've been doing really well. I was grateful as she must have an opinion on me seeing him with him being my first love and the fact she knows I have feelings for him but she's very kind. She said feelings don't just stop. She knew I'd had a tough time related to H as well.

Sorry if I've not explained the therapy very well. Before she could help me with the trauma she had to treat me for sexual trauma as well. The initial sessions were dealing with the sexual abuse and a lot to do with my childhood then it was about my h and his affair, treatment of me, what he said that meant we were over and then more about my marriage. My ex came in because he's a big deal to me and also my h blames him for him having an affair. Now we talk more about how the last week has gone but it all relates to what has gone before and I can talk about whatever I want. When I started the therapy it was because I'd tried to end my life but wasn't thinking of ending my marriage. It's very organic. I've said to her I want to do more about my feelings when h is awful to me to learn to deal with that better. I also need to cope better with how he is with the children.

I am sorry work wasn't good and that you are feeling unsettled. It is definitely a good and productive idea to take control and find out what is happening and if your job is safe.

I get the unfinished business. My ex and have had always felt like that. I'm curious as to why you want to achieve with him as he's saying no connection and I feel protective of you and don't want you to get hurt. I don't get why your friend thinks you have unfinished business with him though as you have an explanation. He didn't feel a connection. Shame he decided that after sex. If you feel chemistry and a connection then fair enough but it makes no difference if he doesn't. My ex and I felt that way as we still have incredible chemistry, have feelings for each other and have never not thought about each other.

Is your dad going to sort out your ex? I hope so.

Just heard from my solicitor and he's given me the go ahead so I've applied for the conditional order. I'll hear by end of May that's it's been accepted then have to wait six weeks to apply for final part of the divorce. So if it takes the longest time I'll be divorced the week before what would have been my silver wedding anniversary 💔

I've been having piercing pains in my chest since I did the form. So ridiculous. I suppose even though I have to divorce him I will still be sad. It's all just been a mess. Nothing like I thought. He wasn't who I thought he was.

Right you first @BirthdayRainbow This is all progress and yes it's sad and painful but you can't control when any of this happens. Were you ever big at celebrating anniversaries? It is just a day and it's OK for you to feel like you do but all of this is right. I don't understand why it has to be this painful it just is. Chest pains. That's familiar. Remember you had it in your head you were going to have fun with your friend today. You are probably subconsciously still thinking about that. Be kind to yourself nothing else needs to be done today. Just want to mention something else this reminds me of. I still have wobbles and sometimes my DM reminds me of things my ex did that are totally unforgiveable and I was completely oblivious to. This is hard but it is right.

Re therapy I didn't realise the process could be organic like that but it's probably all linked anyway.

So, yes I'll be seeing my parents at the weekend and we'll talk about the next plan of action regarding my ex.

With work my job isn't under threat but I could be placed in a very chaotic, challenging and unpleasant environment and I met the new member of staff overseeing it today and we didn't gel at all. So the advice I've been given is either at my appraisal or sooner I need to figure out what I want and be more direct about it. Its got my back up this week that I've been put in tricky primary classes and supply agency staff in the classes where I want to be.

Whilst we had a conversation about self love and not needing validation from men I still have the occasional fleeting thought that I messed it up with the bloke round the corner and the 3 men from the apps who ghosted me. I'm worried that I'll meet the one when I'm ready then screw it up by doing or saying something wrong. Because bloke round the corner had been so kind to me in the past and I felt a connection I felt like he was using the fact that he didn't as an excuse. When I tola my friend this she said if she were me she would want an explanation.

I don't necessarily agree. Nor do I feel I need to be friends with him but I didn't want to feel like I had to deliberately avoid him.

@Whsthappensnow thank you. We were pretty big on anniversaries in that we always did something and this year we would have done more with it being our 25th.

I think it is perfectly normal to think we messed something up by doing whatever. I used to beat myself up so many times about why me and my friend ex, who is obviously the love of my life, didn't stay together but I've learnt to accept I can't change the past, it is what it is and at least we have now. If someone breaks up with you it isn't always because of you. There is so many reasons why someone decides not to proceed with a relationship and they might all be because of them and not necessarily anything negative about you. The right one for you will only see positives. It is hard but just because you felt a connection doesn't mean he did. I'm sure there has been men that liked you but you didn't want to date them. You'd probably not think anything of that so let it go in this case. It's for the best.

You don't have to avoid him. If he can't cope with seeing you then that's for him to deal with.

I am thinking of my friend, he hasn't messaged yet, but I won't text him first. More than once before he has said not to come and then he's regretted it so I'm not going to chase him as such. He has a lot of work to do. He can message me first when he's done.

@BirthdayRainbow I know what you mean. It's actually my DM and DSFs 25 year anniversary this July. (So she's had 2 x 25 year marriages) she's hinted a couple of times about celebrating and the thought hadn't even crossed my mind but I guess its a really big deal for her. Especially the thought that her second marriage could be longer and happier than her first!

So one thing is I have been slagging off my ex a lot. I wonder if this is a problem and perhaps I'll be less inclined to do it when the issues are resolved. It would have been hard to get through to bloke round the corner this morning anyway. He was staring at the floor with earpods in whilst 2 other people were attempting to hold a conversation with him!

But it had been out of sight out of mind until this morning. But I had hoped he would notice me because I was feeling really good about myself this morning hence walking past head held high not running off in the opposite direction!

Absolutely don't text first. I think given the day you've had of course you are going to be thinking about him. At least he recognises that and hopefully it will happen next time and it will be soon. Speaking from experience don't chase. I certainly will not be doing that ever again. Yes wait for him to message you Absolutely.

You will be OK.

He's messaged. Just said Hey x. I replied Hi x. I would normally have told him that I've heard from solicitor and done the next bit but I'm not volunteering anything about my day until he talks to me more.

"You will be Ok". Thank you. It is funny how just a few words can really mean a lot. It's like reassurance and a hug and a bit of a reminder that I've had times of feeling okay.

Why is your mum hinting about celebrating? That's for her and her Dh though I know some children do organise a party for their parents. But stop hinting. Speak!

Yeah, talking about an ex with a potential new love interest doesn't work well. It makes men think you're not over the ex. You are absolutely so over him!

I get that you wanted him to see you looking so fabulous but remember, you don't need his validation and unfortunately as he didn't feel any connection he won't think you look good.

@BirthdayRainbow That's the right way to play it with him for sure. Obviously I'm glad he's been in touch but I think he could have done better than that you were right to not go into any big chat about anything else that's going on.

Just glad it helps. It will get better but there's going to be bumps in the road.

My DM needs to be careful really. There's a few of us who haven't done well in the marriage department and we've had a big year with DSFs 80th she's got a big family day out and a cruise to look forward to so when she starts saying things like 'you do know it's our 25th anniversary and I really think we should all mark the occasion ' I was thinking can't I just arrange something nice for just the 2 of you?

So, bloke round the corner had helped me out in a professional capacity because of ex letting me down so he knew the circumstances before we got together but I was properly laying it on thick at one point to the extent that he told me to cut my ex some slack lol!

And that's very true about him this morning
But he's so self absorbed he wouldn't have noticed a supermodel right in front of him!

I expect he's fallen asleep as I've not had anything else. I am struggling to articulate what I'm feeling but it feels a bit more healthy as I've been feeling a bit obsessed with him these past few days and can't even admit what I've been doing. I'm annoyed I was happy and relieved he messaged but I suspect as I just said hi x (normally would do two but he'd only did one so I did the same )he might think I'm cross with him and he's not interested in getting a hard time. I'm not. I'm just protecting myself. I know he's had two really long days, at least 4-5 hours to get to where he is and he didn't sleep last night.

It sounds like what your mum means is I want you all to spoil me.

@BirthdayRainbow Over thinking again? Just remember what you would be telling me if it was the other way round. And yes protecting yourself is the most important thing.

I never went to my DM and DSFs wedding. He rushed into it as soon as her divorce was finalised. He barely gave her time to find a dress and the ceremony was in a friend's garden. I was working abroad and my employer refused to let me fly home for it. He wouldn't wait until I could get back and they never really forgave me for it. I sometimes feel that my DM thinks she missed out not having a wedding she wanted. Her first wasn't ideal either but it's always about the marriage not the wedding for me. I'll try and make some fuss I don't have to be involved with.

On that note my friend who is getting married has had a poorly dd this week but she did say photographer friend cancelled night out because he's too busy working!

I was just going to text him and then I remembered what we said and I put my phone down. I could come up with reasons to why he hasn't texted me again but really I'm not going to know till tomorrow if at all and that would be overthinking it.

Hang in. If he rushed the wedding and you weren't allowed to fly back they don't have the right to be mad at you for not being there. You didn't get the chance to be there, times two.

When I told my daughter I'd done the next stage of the divorce today she texted back congratulations which shocked and surprised me, then she said it will be over sooner and I'll be free of him and I said that makes me feel like she thinks I've done the right thing and she said you have. I said by doing the right thing for me, I feel like I've done the worst thing for them because he's not bothering with them but then if he's not bothering with them because I've left him he's taking it out on them and maybe they are better off without him. If I can be a good mum and definitely try my best having had an awful childhood and being ill a lot since I've had them then there's no excuse for him not doing better.

Thats good Mr Photographer has a good work ethic.

I was just going to text him and then I remembered what we said and I put my phone down. I could come up with reasons to why he hasn't texted me again but really I'm not going to know till tomorrow if at all and that would be overthinking it.

Hang in. If he rushed the wedding and you weren't allowed to fly back they don't have the right to be mad at you for not being there. You didn't get the chance to be there, times two.

When I told my daughter I'd done the next stage of the divorce today she texted back congratulations which shocked and surprised me, then she said it will be over sooner and I'll be free of him and I said that makes me feel like she thinks I've done the right thing and she said you have. I said by doing the right thing for me, I feel like I've done the worst thing for them because he's not bothering with them but then if he's not bothering with them because I've left him he's taking it out on them and maybe they are better off without him. If I can be a good mum and definitely try my best having had an awful childhood and being ill a lot since I've had them then there's no excuse for him not doing better.

Thats good Mr Photographer has a good work ethic.

Morning @Whsthappensnow the second I opened my eyes I just felt so sad. I'll get through today by thinking I'd have been saying bye to him by eight o'clock anyway but I'm also sad I won't be seeing my DD today. When he cancelled that was my initial disappointment. I need to focus on I'll get more stuff sorted in the roof and that actually letting some pictures go is making me feel lighter and remember that my youngest is coming home tomorrow though I'm stressing as H is coming on Monday and I can guess how it will go which is devastating. When H comes we'll be looking at the pram, cot and travel cot and probably letting them all go 🙁. I am hoping there is a charity or refuge I can donate them to as I can't bear to just throw them away.

The thought of walking the dog is making me upset as I'm just so tired plus my friend isn't coming today but I don't want to ask h to do it. Once we get going it will be fine. I'm just so tired and I've woken up really early again and was too stressed out to settle back to sleep.

I hope everything is okay with you and that work goes well.

I forgot to say I really wanted to message him and say, did you fall asleep on me? Probably did but also it lets him know I do want to talk and I'm not mad at him. Sometimes he just messages me as he wants to check I haven't gone. I'll give it a bit to think about it.

I messaged. He did fall asleep. I told him that I did the next stage yesterday. We've had a lovely chat. He's been very kind and supportive and also very cheer leading and had my back so it's all good.

@BirthdayRainbow Morning! Well you obviously got to the point where you couldn't get it out of your mind so I'll forgive you for that! I'm glad he's still being supportive and I'm glad it was just exhaustion rather than ignorance! Hope he keeps it up for the foreseeable especially as it seems like you are feeling a bit fragile and exhausted yourself. Don't do too much. The progress you made is good for now and your DC are on your side. If the dogs are walked and the animals are happy that's all you need to worry about today.

So re my parents wedding. I feel like sometimes even the people you love the most can be selfish pricks! The company I worked for only had 2 flight days off the island and they were all full and sometimes DSF still doesn't think I tried hard enough! But I just dismiss it every time it's bought up because I don't have the headspace.

Don't know where I'm working today but I'm dressed for all weather and all occasions! The upper school doesn't do traditional lessons on a Friday every class turns into a different club where they all do thier hobbies together. I usually do needlework and mindfulness but if we're short staffed then it's football!

So yeah agree about the photographer. It will happen if it's meant to. But I did wonder for a bit if he'd seen my social media and thought god no!

Having said that my friend said she's still going out that night and did I still want to go but we have a work night out the night before and I feel bad going out and getting childcare two nights in a row and can't decide which one to go to!

Oh you made me want to cry@Whsthappensnow ! I just really appreciate your support and understanding.

In my defence I waited nearly half an hour before messaging him while I thought about it but then I remembered his morning routine when he's away for work and knew I only had a small window when he'd be able to chat. He's been supporting me for a long time so I am sure it will carry on.

I had a lovely walk with the dog and only came back after 1 hour 20 as the solicitor had emailed me and I needed to see if I had to do anything quickly. I didn't but I did discover that H is being an arse to the pension people and my solicitor. I've only done an hour in the loft today - DD wants me to keep the cot and pram - but my dog had laid on the landing so I felt she wanted me with her and I also just felt like I couldn't deal with doing too much. I'm finding it really hard getting rid of pictures and writing that DD has done. I'm keeping all her primary school exercise books though.

It was meant to be hang on not hang in about your mum's wedding. Maybe there will come a time when you do feel you need to address it as it really isn't fair.

I would probably prefer football. I used to do cross stitch but would struggle a bit atm as my eyes get so tired quickly and I get a lot of headaches.

No. No. No. Stop it. He will not have looked at your picture and said no. Try and be kinder to yourself. Even if he doesn't want to date you it does not mean you're not attractive. Everyone doesn't fancy everyone. Even people who lots would say were beautiful will have people who don't fancy them.

As you don't go out much have both nights out. It's not all the time.

I asked - we need a name - him when he was finishing work but he said he doesn't know. I'm hoping he'll ring me when he's driving home.

Today I had an online chat with rape crisis.

I heard from my solicitor. H has been very rude to someone who is working our financial situation and absolutely should not have emailed her directly. He's also causing himself a potential future problem but something he is doing about his health. I'd gain financially, potentially. Stupid sod.

I'm feeling very emotional. Sad about the Princess of Wales as well. Her children are so small.

Hi@BirthdayRainbow I'm sorry you have had to do that. Is it to do with something that happened in the past? I thought you had been dealing with it all in therapy had something triggered you? Don't feel you need to reply unless you want to I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and you probably did the right thing contacting them and I hope they were helpful.

God they're idiots aren't they. My ex has been in touch today being all nicey nicey offering to feed the cat while I'm on holiday. I said I made other plans.

Had a decent day at work. 2 nights out might work will check out childcare situation.

I saw the news about the Princess having cancer. The video made me emotional too. I challenge anyone not to feel like that. I couldn't believe how composed and dignified she came across. Astonishing actually.

Hi @Whsthappensnow it was actually reading another post on here that made me contact them. I felt that h has been having non consensual sex with me for years but I only realised after the events. The lady said there's no such thing as non consensual sex. It's consensual or it's rape. She said what I explained she didn't think was rape but she did think it was sexual abuse and manipulation. I think you are right and I will speak to my therapist about it. I'm feeling a bit shocked tbh. I wanted my feelings validated but didn't really expect that it would be more than that.

Well done for telling him you have made other plans. He'll start to be all "oh" when he realises you aren't asking for his help.

Im worrying a bit as h is coming on Monday and I forgot that DS2 will be home then. I'll protect him at all and any costs but even if h doesn't talk much or at all to DS2 I'll find it hard and upsetting. That's worse than him talking him off for not texting or them having words about something else.

I am available for babysitting if you need! Not an axe murderer. Ex nanny. Current mum 🙂. I'm glad you had a decent day at work.

Tomorrow I'll walk the dog, might try and run first then it's back in the loft carrying on sorting stuff. Only did an hour today so need to do more. DS2 will help too once he's here.

@BirthdayRainbow I understand exactly what you are saying. This is something I battle with on a regular basis and this, I think is why I think my most recent sexual experience was one of my best. This reason is because I was completely and utterly in control. It was (mostly) on my terms and I was sober. Prior to this I think some or most of my previous sexual encounters would be considered problematic by today's standards. I don't think it's black or white. I think we are talking about coercion. During my marriage most of the time I caved because I was scared of what might happen if I didn't. Not saying this is the same as your situation but if it does resonate with you then I'm sorry you have had to suffer it too.

When you have your ex in the house, just keep yourself busy and remind yourself it's not forever!

I'll let you know about babysitting. Thanks for the offer. I'm definitely going to the work do because its in my local and its unusual for them to do that as staff live all over the place. Also I need some inside information to help me make a decision about what to ask for next academic year. I need to speak to my friend to see who else is going on the other night out. If the photographer is busy I don't fancy playing gooseberry to her and her fiancee!

We have a quiet day tomorrow too. My Dd is going out for her friend's birthday so I have to occupy my son but I'll decide how tomorrow!