A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

How is everyone doing today? I've just had a big cry.

@JamSandle Bless you. I find that after a big cry, I feel somewhat better. It’s almost like a release.

I’m feeling pretty crappy. I found out a few weeks ago that my ex-husband actually had affair. I came across the password to his emails stored in the keychain on my phone. Of course I had a snoop. What I find bizarre is that I don’t feel sad, I feel almost… relieved? I think it’s given me closure. I always suspected he’d been seeing his new GF before he left me. Now I know my gut instinct was correct. I approached her about the affair & she swears blind that they didn’t start seeing each other until we had separated & that they aren’t actually together now, but I don’t believe her. Somethings I see in his emails just don’t sit right with me, like him ordering her dog a toy from Amazon on New Year’s Day & giving her access to his Spotify account at the end of January.

I looked at his emails the other day & saw that he sent her a valentines card. Vile.

I’m starting to hate him. I think that’s a good sign. I need to hate him to move on.

I still dont hate my ex but starting to feel a bit of anger towards him and have not cried over him since Wed which is a record for me. I really really want to get over him. I genuinely loved him so much but when I think back to how he has treated me in recent months I need to keep reminding myself of that instead of reminding myself of all the good times cos he has acted like an asshole too.

I'm back to struggle city. Saw a friend last night who told me about the deep social media dive she's recently done on stbhx (I've avoided everything). Looks like my suspicions about the girl at work were correct. He's about 15 years older than her and her boss. What an absolute cliché of a man.

Hello everyone. I hope everyone is doing ok. I find the weekends so hard. Work keeps me going in the week, but the weekends are so lonely. I can just about get through Saturday, but I spend most Sunday's just crying my eyes out. I guess it is an improvement on where I was last year when I cried every day for hours.

@SoRainbowRhythms - I am sorry to hear of your update. You are right, it is a cliche. I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer, but I can't understand why these men throw away what they have in this way. Know only that you are worth more than that. Much, much more.

@Psychoticbreak - I read on another thread about someone who made a list on their phone of all the awful things her ex had done to remind her. I have done the same thing, so when I think about how sad I am about the loss of my wonderful husband, I can remind myself of the abusive man he turned into. It has helped.

Hugs to all.

Thanks @Itisallgoingtobeok. I find the weekends really difficult too. I was out Friday and Saturday but made myself stay home today and it's quite awful. Doubled with the fact I was unfortunately right.

Hope you've managed to find at least a little bit of joy this weekend x

I also find weekends horrible. I might get a weekend job.

Sorry to see so many people struggling both with weekends in general (I get this too) and with unwelcome news / realisations about your own situations. It is such a hard process. I listened to a very interesting podcast yesterday with Vanessa Feltz (on How to Fail - not a new one, from a couple of years ago), who had a truly horrendous separation from her husband. Or maybe more accurately a truly horrendous ex-husband! She spoke very movingly about just how awful it was - but she did get through it, even though she said for a long time it was minute by minute.

I'm doing ok, though still with very conflicted emotions. I had an emotional conversation with my ex last week, one of very few times where we have spoken honestly about the end of our relationship. Despite the awful way he has behaved all year, I still find myself wondering if it could somehow have been saved, if we REALLY had to separate. Which is surely ridiculous after everything that has happened (and the fact that he has never once tried to save things / said he wants to stay together). But that's just the craziness of divorce brain I think. Anyway, thoughts with everyone for the week ahead, I hope work and routine provides a welcome distraction.

It took me a long time to heal. Even now, 4 and a half years later, I might hear a song that brings tears to my eyes. Everyone has different timelines for healing. I found that journaling helped. It was like my own psychiatrist. I wrote down all my feelings and fears and I still do it. The hurt will get less, it just takes time.

Thanks @ReliableAlice . I’ve been back to therapy and my GP who is suggesting anti-depressants for a few months. I was a bit resistant but coming around to the idea now.

I was awake crying all night. At work now. Everything feels so horribly bleak.

I had a bad night too @JamSandle. And ironically I heard from him today. He always seems to find me when I'm down.

I got a very business-like email about the divorce paperwork, which he has apparently started, and the house. He wants the house on the market by mid March and wants to come and collect things, including our bed. He also wants to look after our cats when I'm away.

I have drafted (but not sent) and equally as business-like email telling him I have paid someone to come and look after the cats, he's not to take large things until the house is under offer, and that I have also taken legal advice. Said I want my fair 50% share of the house, I'm not paying any fees, and that I'll sign a clean break order after that (I have a future inheritance to protect). I don't have the fight or the finances to get solicitors involved.

Sigh. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when this is all done.

It’s funny how hard the weekends can be. I struggle through the working week, focusing on 5pm on Friday, then when the time comes I don’t know what to do with myself unless I am very busy. Sundays are hardest for me too, it’s the one day we always did something together and we made a big deal of Sunday dinner. I still cook a nice meal for myself but it all feels a little bleak. Hugs to all. Day by day this week x

I have not shed a tear since valentines day on Wed. That is a record for me. I literally sobbed so much I vomited. The following day I woke up and just felt stronger so I am hoping that continues. I don't want to be that woman crying into her coffee over a man. I know none of us do.

I've not posted here before and I'm absolutely devastated to be requesting to join this thread but I have read each and every post on it from the beginning and it has got me through some very dark days/nights recently.

My situation/separation is slightly different and I'd really appreciate some wise words/advice to help me navigate this fresh hell I've been delivered into.

H & I have a 14 year history (married for 8). We were blissfully happy & we'd both agree on that (no rose tinted glasses). I had an unplanned pregnancy in 2020 (eldest is 18) & then was diagnosed with PND in feb 21.

My mental health since then has been very up and down and I became very spiky and difficult to live with at the best of times.

H tried to be supportive but our youngest was then diagnosed ASD, still non verbal at 3.5 years and does not sleep. H works days in a very stressful job, I work night shifts in an equally stressful job, my eldest suffers with MH problems and I suspect I am also neurodiverse as well as my eldest and youngest.

I can see that a build up of difficult circumstances has caused a pressure cooker effect within our marriage and we've both withdrawn from each other in order to protect ourselves and cope with the day to day.

H slept on the sofa from feb 23 as the youngest won't sleep with anyone but me & naturally from then the physical link that kept us connected also disappeared.

I tried to pull us together over the last couple of years and pleaded with him to meet me halfway. He was never interested in seeking outside help and constantly tried to convince me that all marriages went through rough patches and we'd get through it together.

We had a great family Christmas together 2023 but something inside me snapped soon after and after what felt like another pointless emotional conversation about getting us back on track I told him I could no longer live with a stranger as I desperately ached for my husband and best friend back and I asked him to really put in the effort and fight for us or to leave.

To my absolute horror he went and packed an overnight bag and went to his mums. He left on Jan 17th and has since secured himself a flat and fully furnished it in order to have the kids regularly (we have 4 kids).

My world and everything I know have been shook to the core and I literally don't know how I've got to feb 19th as it's all such a blur.

I can't make any of it make sense. I wasn't perfect and neither was he but he was my everything and he's still saying he'll love me forever.

I over analyse every little detail, every word said, I'm tying myself in knots and making myself physically sick going over everything but having to put a brave face on for the kids.

All your stories have made me feel less alone but it's gut wrenching this physical pain and I'm so sorry for everyone else having to deal with and experience the sudden loss of everything you once knew.

Sorry for the jumbled brain dump. Not sure what I'm looking for but solidarity to you all x

Welcome to the thread. I'm new here too and having a particularly bad day today. How are you feeling today? X

Hi JamSandle. Sorry to hear you're not having a good day, it's such an emotional rollercoaster isn't it. Every time you think things are getting on an even keel something happens to put you right back at square one.
Not such a great day here either. It's H's birthday & my kids are all in very different places with their own emotions about him and the current situation so it's hitting home that this is so much bigger than us.
I was stood in the shop yesterday looking at birthday cards and ended up in floods of tears as my daughter chose a dad card and I stood there scanning the husband cards and had a panic at not knowing what to do but trying to hold my shit together for my daughter.
Have you anything positive planned for the rest of the day or week that can help distract you and give you something happier to concentrate on?
I'm literally living hour by hour and trying not to look either back or forward as both are terrifying so just feeling a bit stuck, lost and hopeless overall.
I hope things pick up for you & tomorrow is a better day x

Hello all. I have been quiet on this thread for a while, but have been reading all the posts. It makes me sad that we have new members of this club, but I hope it offers some solace.

Today has been a day of tears again. Even after a year, I still can't quite believe that I am in this situation. I feel as though my whole life has burned to the ground. The weekends are dreadful, and I just work which is making me more and more tired, so I need to try and get my head in a better place. Has anyone found anything that helps? I have found listening to the radio as company seems to ease things a little. Going out and seeing my friends is nice, but when I come home it makes the loneliness even more pronounced.

I hope everyone is doing ok, hugs to all.

@Itisallgoingtobeok I've also been quiet but following. I think we have both come a long way in the last year but sad days are inevitable. You/we are mourning a huge part of our lives and that will take time. Think of how far you have come and feel proud of how much you have dealt with until now. This is a really, really tough process. I now realise that only those who have been through divorce understand how hard it is - but in that club there is so much understanding and sympathy and maybe that's what this thread can offer too. There will be bad days and better days, and I hope eventually this will just be part of our life experience but not the defining part, just something we went through that was necessary in order to reach a happier point. Your username has helped me a lot in the past year, and I really believe it's true. Trust in the future and get through today. And tomorrow is a new day!

@Itisallgoingtobeok sorry you’ve had a teary day. I still have down days but they’re fewer than they were.

Weekends are tough. When I don’t have the kids I’m filling them with trying to get the house ready for selling and catching up with friends and family, but it still feels lonely.

This weekend I’m just mad. I know now that he is seeing the woman who I thought he was having an emotional affair with. I also know that my kids suspect he has a girlfriend (they haven’t told me or him) and it’s causing issues between them (the kids). This is the man who told me he wasn’t going to get into a relationship until the kids were settled. One is doing ok but the other is still struggling, hates going to his and is barely speaking with him. But as long as he’s ok he doesn’t seem to care anymore. In my head I’d like to send the girlfriend & him snarky messages or sign her email up to a bunch of spam sites but in reality I’m just seething.

Would love stories of exes getting their comeuppance if anyone has any!

@Itisallgoingtobeok sending you lots of love. I hear you about weekends. I've been at my parents this weekend which has been lovely but tiring. Going home this evening and already have that ball of dread growing in my stomach. You're not alone xx

@Iamnotapotato really sorry to hear your news. I know I have that day coming soon and I'm dreading it. Stay strong xx

Just received the divorce application. He always seems to find me when I'm having a bad day.

Oh big hugs @SoRainbowRhythms It’s awful but you will come out of this stronger. We all will xx

Hello friends, I hope that everyone is coping this weekend and maybe even having some nice times. I have a deadline for Monday and had planned to spend the weekend working but instead have binged netflix, eaten too much sugar / drunk too much wine and am now feeling angsty and worried. It's a reminder that I need to make an effort to build in the 'good' self-care stuff - yoga or gym, long walks, social stuff - as otherwise weekends can easily become very empty and lonely. And a bit self-destructive! Despite having the whole weekend free I've done nothing towards my deadline and am now trying to decide whether I can salvage a couple of hours this evening or just write off the weekend and get up early to start afresh tomorrow.