A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Do you have some support in real life @JamSandle? Friends, parents?

I know it doesn’t seem like it right now but it does get easier.

I had a friend recently telling me that separation was the best thing she's ever done, and is happier than she's ever been. Believing that will be me one day is tough when I know it's going to take years and I have to grieve for the end of my marriage first. It's the light at the end of my tunnel though.

I do but the pain is just so raw. I don't know how to keep going.

I know what you mean @JamSandle

In the early days, I flip flopped between wanting to kill him with my bare hands to being terribly sad and tearful to feeling really kickass.

I didn’t know which one I was going to get at any given moment and it all used to change in a heartbeat!

I couldn’t do my job and had to switch careers because I would arrive at client appointments a complete mess.

The depth and scope of my emotions was scary, surprising and shocking to me. Nobody who hasn’t been through it can really understand.

20 months on from my bombdrop day my life is so much better now though. Make sure to use your support network and keep posting here. Get out in nature, listen to podcasts and audiobooks, eat nutritious food, and look after yourself.

Its just so horrible.

I'm throwing myself into work. Not eaten yet as I just can't. Pacing like a wild animal.

Struggling today ladies. Literally came out of nowhere. He's still very much the invisible man and I'm mourning the future I thought I had today.

I'm with.

I have a permanent knot in my stomach and just want to cry.

I'm literally being a workaholic to have something to focus on. I keep wishing to be hit by a truck.

• with you

Yeah I've been throwing myself into work but not cutting it today.

It's weirdly reassuring to know someone else is feeling the same way.

@JamSandle unfortunately I know what you mean!

It's been almost 6 weeks since he left and I've been doing well but taken a load of steps back today

Is there anything nice you can do for yourself today?

I've got a support group later but tbh I think I'm just going to sit with this and let it pass.

Does it help when you do that? I could probably learn to do that more.

It's been difficult for me because I'm a very stiff upper lip kind of person, but therapy and support is slowly teaching me to lean into my feelings and that all my feelings are valid. If that makes sense!

Yes I found this the very hardest part. We had planned to retire early and live in Cornwall and start up our own businesses part time.
Now I have to work full time until I'm 67. I was always the higher and most reliable worker. He was always getting sacked for not doing his job properly.
He hasn't said one word to me since he left and all our shared experiences seem to count for nothing - we did some amazing things during our time together.
Thanks to his bullshit I had to sell my lovely house and beautiful garden and downsize, leave all my pets graves behind me which upset me the most.
He apparently left our 20 year marriage because he decided to get into fetish/BDSM/swinging at 50 and I wasn't interested. I'd never be interested in that kind of thing.
I did not object him doing this on his own - but that wasn't good enough for him. I totally object to being made to do something I find repellant and will not be bullied into it.
Anyway I made the best of it I bought a lovely house in a much cheaper area that I've always wanted to live in and found a new job with a good promotion and more money.
I'm ok and have lots of friends and hobbies.
But the loss of our planned future hit me the most. The 20 years of memories that he has utterly tainted and the fact that he chose a disgusting seedy life over his nice life with me.
Good riddance.
It's been I think 6 years since he just left and I still from time to time feel angry as I did so much for him, sorted out his debt, provided him with a home and love.
And much as I don't like to be negative I hope he's having a shit life with an horrible woman.
He was the kind of person who was always miserable if we weren't doing exactly what he wanted i.e refusing to talk to anyone at family gatherings - just sitting in a corner and getting drunk.

@Gettingbysomehow we had lots of plans too. I broke myself studying for (and passing) an exam last year that was all part of our grand plan, now I'm just stuck and sad.

Today has been pretty terrible - finding myself either on the verge of tears or ready to combust in anger. It’s as though there’s a full moon. I’ve had to stop myself numerous times from telling cheaty scum bag that I hope they both choke on their valentines meal. Thankfully I diverted the message to EE 150 just for the satisfaction of pressing the send button!
Hows everyone else doing?

It’s a depressing day alright. Keep thinking of the card he gave me last year and the nice things it said - I wonder if he actually meant any of it. I’m really struggling, constantly tearful and feel so negative about everything. I am telling myself this is normal given what has happened but it’s a horrible state of mind.

My day sucked because I got an email from the divorce courts with a date for when my conditional order will be read out! And the kids hamster died 🥲 so I’ve had a bit of a teary day.

Sending positive thoughts to all of you.

@Ginerous its really difficult connecting the lovely things they wrote about you with how they went on to treat you. It does make you doubt and question what was real. Am I right in thinking you are about 6 months in now? I’d say we are still early days so sadness and negativity are to be expected. It’s draining though isn’t it! every day the shadows under my eyes seem darker! Are you getting much support?

@Iamnotapotato What a day to receive the date of your conditional order. And then the hamster! Sometimes the universe has a crap sense of humour. Sending you a big hug!

Wishing everyone strength and gentleness today.

Yesterday was strange - I thought about the card he gave me last year because we rarely exchange cards and I didn't give him one, and then felt guilty.
Spent the day thinking it was my fist single valentine's day in 23 years and wondering what life will be like next year.

Only a few months since my breakup but still very raw. I spent most of yesterday in tears. I just cannot understand how a year ago we were so happy and now, strangers.

Thanks @Sl2001ie - I wonder how many other people received the date for their conditional order yesterday? It’s something I would’ve joked about with my ex but like many others he feels like a complete stranger now.

I have just started reading How to Heal a Broken Heart by Rosie Green and although I’m only a chapter in it’s very relatable. It’s also currently 99p on Kindle (part of the reason I got it although it’s been on my to read list for a while).

Hope everyone has a better day today now that the day that shall remain nameless has passed.