A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Hey @harlemriver. Don't beat yourself up, happens to the best of us! I'd say start again tomorrow. Netflix, wine and chocolate is a form of self care too.

I'm back to the numbness this week, I've definitely detached. Got the divorce application on Monday so I'm in my 20 weeks now.

Also found out that he'd logged into my Google account as recently as last week (I had my own profile on his laptop). I've signed out and changed my password but if he's been looking at my emails it's such a disgusting invasion of privacy.

Hope everyone has a peaceful week x

Thanks @SoRainbowRhythms am grateful for a bit of enabling! Awful if your ex has been checking your emails, and such a violation of privacy. I understand the numbness/detachment - it comes and goes for me, and I kind of prefer it to some of the other emotional turmoil. It's all very hard though. I hope the week ahead is kind to you.

i had my first weekend without my kids for a long time. I had kind of been looking forward to having some time to myself but actually I found it really hard because all I could think about is how I used to spend my childfree weekends with my ex partner. In bed, going out for a drink, watching Netflix together, hikes and so on and now he is doing all that with his new girlfriend while I trawl through my contacts trying to find a friend to go for a drink with. I feel so down and sad about it all, then I feel frustrated at how sad I am. I saw family and friends over the weekend, went to the gym and for a run, cooked nice food for myself and browsed around the shops- so I was busy but it felt like filling time rather than being very satisfying if you know what I mean.

Where do you live @Ginerous ? Sending you love xx

Hi @Ginerous you articulate how I feel perfectly. Just filling time, while I know he’s living a full life with the OW who is now his girlfriend. I don’t know how to get out of this funk, it’s been seven months for me, I really thought I’d be doing better by now! I need to pull myself together.

@CherryPieface my timeframe is similar, I'm hoping time will be the great healer that everyone promises. As others have said upthread it’s not too bad during the week but weekends are tough.

Can I please join in as a mum whose DD has just had her world shattered?
Her partner of almost 10 years and Father of her 5 year old has just told her today that he no longer wants to be with her. I just want to know how to support her and my Grandson, me and DH are shocked to the core and devastated for DD and DGS.
We are very close and I do lots of childcare/ school runs in the week as she has a busy and stressful job.
Not only is my Grandson in the middle of this, there are his two older children who are there every weekend that my DD is obviously very close to and my DGS adores them. They live over an hour away and this could destroy the sibling relationship, there is no way DD will let him have every weekend, she has little enough time with DGS in the week as it is.
Thankfully she can afford to buy a home by herself, they bought a beautiful house 4 years ago and she’s devastated at the thought of having to sell and move, she couldn’t afford to buy him out as there is a fair bit of equity but an equally large mortgage.
She’s utterly blindsided by this.

How is everyone doing? I have had a quiet weekend with my kids and actually didn’t feel quite as miserable as usual so perhaps I am turning a corner? I say that a bit reluctantly for some reason - I don’t know how to explain this but part of me wants to hold on to the hurt, as if feeling better somehow lets him off the hook for what he did. I know that sounds ridiculous as I have no contact with him so he doesn’t know how I am feeling.

Hi @Vaz66, I'm so sorry your daughter is in this situation. I'm about a year in and it does get easier, but I don't know how I'd have got through it without support.

I have realised that I had different types of people help me in different ways. I have my "practical friend" who keeps my head straight and helps me make those everyday decisions big and small when I feel overwhelmed and my emotions are taking me in the wrong direction. I have my "sit with me and let me cry friend", always ready with the tissues and doesn't try to fix anything. I have a "I'm here to remind you that there is sunshine in the world still" friend who takes me out for walks and encourages me to look forward. None of these friends could have been everything. I needed them all in their own way.

My Mum isn't around anymore so I didn't have her to help. I suspect "Mum help" is of a different sort. The love you have for your daughter will remind her that she isn't alone. You can try asking her what she needs but she probably doesn't know. I didn't in those first few months. It was all I could do not to break down in tears all the time.

The big lesson I have learned is that I need to feel all the pain, the anger, the sadness and grief. It has to come out and there is a lot of it. It will take a long time. Perhaps the best thing you can do for her is understand how long it will take and follow her lead day to day.

I'm m not sure if that helps or not. I hope it does.

Hugs to all.

I have been slightly better these last few weeks, but yesterday was dreadful. I was sobbing again. I cried myself to sleep so this morning I feel awful. Im not sure what triggers it. I was just so, so sad.

I'm torturing myself over why he changed so much. My lovely, gentle husband turned into an aggressive and controlling man. I know that I will never understand what happened and I don't seem to be able to cope with that at the moment.

I have planned a little day trip next weekend to try and get out and about, but it makes me so sad to be doing it without him.

@Ginerous - I hope understand what you mean about holding onto the hurt. It's a very odd thing isn't it? I wonder if it most about the damage to our self esteem that is doing it? We feel as though we should be hurting or deserve to hurt. Instead we should be thinking that we are doing the right thing for ourselves. Protecting and nurturing ourselves which is what these awful men could not or would not do.

Hugs to all.

Hi all. Glad you had a slight better weekend @Ginerous .

@Itisallgoingtobeok totally natural! I've been the same!

My news is that the house is going on the market.. it wasn't the exact financial agreement I wanted but close enough, and I need to get out of that house. I thought I'd feel happy but I have also been in bits all weekend, alternating between crying and just feeling flat. Can't wait for this rollercoaster to end.

Well it’s definitely over for DD, someone else in the mix of course, she says it’s like he’s turned into someone else, hard and cold. She can access counselling through work, she does have great friends but only a couple are local.
She can’t see her way through this, they’ve told DGS that Daddy has to work away a lot ( he does have regular trips away) but obviously when he starts moving his and the kids stuff out something else will have to be said.
I haven’t told her but I’m worried that he might start being nasty about paying half the mortgage etc. He’s always paid for his kids and he was more than fair over his divorce but you just never know. She put 2/3rds of the deposit down so will be asking for 2/3 of the equity, he earns about £8k more than her, he’ll need it to pay all that child support.

Will she be able to apply for reduced council tax if he’s not living there?
I have no idea how any of this works, presumably they could go interest only on the mortgage while it’s all being sorted, the house should sell easily enough, they are always snapped up due to being very close to a good school, but it needs decluttering, it’s a big house and they have so much stuff!
I’ve gently suggested maybe renting a house once the house is on the market is the way to go, rather the stress of selling and buying/ being in a chain as their house would likely be at the top, plus rushing into buying something because she feels she has to.

Hi, joining the sad party here! My husband is emotionally abusive and left me because he says I gained too much weight. In reality, he just doesn't want to be married and is looking for any excuse to get out and blame me. Since word got out, I've had a few men sniffing around, so I can't look that bad. He's been obsessed with my weight for years, but I never thought he would actually leave me over it.

Since he left - which was a while ago - I've educated myself on emotional abuse, and he was it. There were the classic abuse cycles, where there'd be a period of tension-building, followed by an explosion and everything upset and in a crisis, and then a honeymoon period, and then more tension-building etc.

He never hit me, but as the years went on he became angrier and angrier, to the extent that I really think it might have ended up that way.

I've read a lot of the previous thread, and something which really jumps out at me is how SIMILAR our stories are. I don't have kids, but a close friend of mine does and went through a messy divorce, and her story is SO similar to all the ones on here. Husband turned cold overnight, filled with an insane amount of rage, other women, the works. Obsessed with fitness too.

Here are the similarities between her story, my story, and the ones I've read on this thread:

Husband on fire with rage.
Turns into a cold stranger overnight.
Often becomes obsessed with fitness or diets or his wife's looks leading up to the abandonment.
Husband blames wife completely, or almost completely.
Totally rewrites history.
Husband cannot accept the consequences of the divorce - that HE caused - and more anger comes wife's way.
Husband has some kind of depression, addiction problem (past or present) or other mental-health issue.

It's really interesting that the playbook is so similar! I've been trying to google and find out what kind of psychological condition causes so many almost-identical stories. Is it a breakdown? Is it a midlife crisis? Are they the same thing?

Were there any indications that your husband wasn't very nice underneath? There were in mine. He sometimes sounded very cross with other people for no reason. And he said a lot of anti-women things couched in humour with a cute laugh and smile. My friend said that her husband could be horrible but it was never at her. Until it was, of course.

Do you think we all just married people who, at the end of the day, simply aren't that nice underneath it all?

I know I could never have left a spouse and caused them the hurt that he caused me. I simply couldn't have done it. Not for the reasons he did, anyway.

He was incredibly moody and spent half our marriage not speaking to me for absolutely no reason. I know that he's done me a massive favour, but I still have a lot of sad moments. I wonder why he couldn't always have been the way he was when he was being nice, and how much he's cheated me out of by being so horrible. I look at other people who have nice marriages and are going forwards into their fifties with all their joint assets intact and more time and money to enjoy their lives together, and it seems to unfair. I'm a good person who took care of my parents when they were ill and I would never have dreamed of cheating or leaving him.

People say that it's hard to find someone else as a divorced fifty-something, but the good news is that I couldn't care less! I never want to live with anyone again. Home is supposed to be a sanctuary, not a place of tension.

That list is exactly my stbhx @Vaz66 !

I had absolutely no clue. At all. I thought we were solid and forever. Turns out he'd checked out long before he left me and was a very good liar.

This whole thing has been an ugly lesson in the dark side of marriage. It's all very well when things are going great, but you put your mental, emotional, and financial health in the hands of another human being, who is under no enforceable contract to treat you well. Humans can be capricious and act in inexplicable ways. I now think that the entire and only points of marriage are to have children, and maybe build a bit of joint wealth, which is easier done together than alone, at least for two average earners. But mainly to have children.

The struggle and the work and the sheer PITA-ness of so many marriages and so many husbands, and the fact that it can just explode in your face at any time with no warning and leave you covered in injuries, just has me feeling annoyed that we are led into this institution thinking it's going to be a nice thing. This potential unexploded bomb that's wrapped up in lace and flowers and a fairytale gown. I mean, are you fucking KIDDING me???

Marriage should come with a health warning. It can destroy you, and society should make sure women are aware of that. Yes, I said women, since we're mostly the ones who have the babies, earn less, take career hits, and end up more vulnerable - in general.

Marriage is a monster with which I would not tussle again. It's bigger than me, meaner than me, and stronger than me. To be avoided at all costs for a happy life, imo.

I would have a relationship again, but I wouldn't live with anyone.

@SoRainbowRhythms Hi there - do you mean my list?? If so, someone should write a bloody book about this phenomenon. Our stories are FREAKISHLY similar!

Husband on fire with rage.
Turns into a cold stranger overnight.
Often becomes obsessed with fitness or diets or his wife's looks leading up to the abandonment.
Husband blames wife completely, or almost completely.
Totally rewrites history.
Husband cannot accept the consequences of the divorce - that HE caused - and more anger comes wife's way.
Husband has some kind of depression, addiction problem (past or present) or other mental-health issue.

@Belichtofalicht WOW!!!! Am I am reading the EXACT same story as my husband. Your story is a mirror to mine, except I have 2DC 8 & 5 involved.

I pushed back on some advice my H was giving me one afternoon as I didn't agree with it. And he exploded into absolute rage. Has given me silent treatment for past 6 weeks (the last episode of silent treatment was 7 weeks long).

In the midst of the silent treatment he brought an a4 piece of paper to me with a list of all my 'flaws', ranging from inept mother, listening to podcasts, all my friends are losers, I deep clean too manically, I am severely mentally ill (I am not btw). The most batshit list of untruths. He then said he wanted to split. Which I didn't disagree with. I just said aslong as we can do this with kindness.

I've been unhappy for 4 years. Since he was on a massive cocaine come down at our daughters 1st birthday and since then has just continued with gross boozing and then hangover lethargy and misery for days on end.

All of a sudden since Xmas a fitness and health kick has started. All of a sudden I am fat and unfit. I am 5ft 9 and 11st. Not fat.

He's not just this seething ball of rage wandering about the house. He's wfh so I never ever get the house to myself.

I am ready to separate, I'm just so fucked off I have to do it with this ball of anger hovering around.

I don't know if it's depression, mid life crisis, or what. I think a cumulative of alcohol and drug abuse, being it a job that is really fucking dull and hasn't created any purpose for himself so maybe this is him trying to find some. Shame I'm getting all the wrath of this.

I've just got grey rock and not reacting to anything. Which maybe makes it worse as they want to see you devastated? But I'm not, I am absolutely fucking relieved.

I just cannot believe I have read your list! I know that there is the usual OW playbook but not known of this one before. This brings me great comfort and spurs be on for a better life for me and my kids

@Belichtofalicht and yes, to add, he has shown hundred of instances of unpleasantness to other people. Including his own father and brother and my parents.

He has a weird hate of some of my friends and family. Especially the ones doing well. Will be quick to express others failings but can never accept anyone exposing his.

I am early 40's and have absolutely no interest in finding another man. They have only ever caused me turmoil.

Very VERY thankful I did not give up my career to have children and have carved out something that is all mine that will see me through.

I do, sorry @Belichtofalicht !

Have you read Runaway Husbands? My jaw was on the floor, it's like she watched my life then wrote a book about it.

He's completely rewritten history and assassinated my character in the meantime. He's got a very good imagination!

@SoRainbowRhythms Ha, no worries! I have the book but have only skimmed it so far. But I gathered that sudden spousal abandonment is on the rise. I also remember one piece of advice from Stark that said women should make sure they're living a "well-peopled" life, or words to that effect. Basically that wives should nurture their family, friends, and other contacts via interests, outside their marriages.

And again, I question what is the point of marriage if we have to arm ourselves to the hilt in case of it all going wrong...

And again, I question what is the point of marriage if we have to arm ourselves to the hilt in case of it all going wrong...

My thoughts exactly.

I miss him today. But I am majorly stressed trying to get the house ready for sale and have an exam on Thursday (which, due to circumstances, I haven't studied for). I'm hoping it's just because I'm missing someone to share the mental load with, rather than him. But I'm quite sad today.

@emmlou85 Amazing!! So much of what you describe is also my husband! I have described mine as a ball of rage or a ball of misery so often! And the silent treatment....ohhhh, the silent treatment! Unless you've done something awful, like exploded at him and called him dreadful names, there is no excuse for it. It's abuse, plain and simple. I'd rather live alone for an eternity than live like that again.

And OF COURSE you're not fat!!

And yes, the insults over the years. I, too, was fat, according to him, even at five foot four and 130 pounds.

Mine also called me severely mentally ill (I am not; total projection, as he is on a cocktail of meds), would explode at me for nothing, refuse to speak to me, tell me I'm fat...wow, when I write it all out like that, I can see just how abusive it was!

And yep, they absolutely want to see you devastated. I think this aspect of their personality has been there all along, and at some point it just has to burst out. Makes me wonder if this kind of male behaviour was the inspiration for the Incredible Hulk, lololololol!

Mine didn't hate my family, he just acted as if they didn't exist. He hurt them a lot over the years, and they've said very little since we aren't divorced yet, but I bet I'll hear it all afterwards, when they know we won't get back together!

I'm also so thankful I didn't give up my career.

@SoRainbowRhythms Ahhhh, I'm sorry you're sad today. It's weird, isn't it, how one minute, you can be sure that this is all for the best and you're grateful you don't have to live in a miserable marriage forever, and the next minute you're just really sad. I'm not sure why we are sad over such an awful mess. I guess it's because you remember the good times and reflect that if only that could have been the norm, life would have been so much better. Sadly, that's not possible. I need to live in reality, not in Wishland. Growing old happily with a husband like mine was, and is, simply never going to happen.

@Belichtofalicht so weird. The man literally turned overnight and abandoned me, but now I'm facing even more upheaval with the house it's just upsetting. I would never go back to him after what he did to me, but I'm really missing my old life today and the man he pretended to be.

@Belichtofalicht I have a friend IRL going through the same so it's a comfort to know it isn't actually me that is the issue here and that it is actually these dreadful and unpleasant men.

I have been reading every single thread on divorce and separation and every time I read something like your post it cements my decision and grounds my emotions back to stable.

It's the children that are the biggest part of this. I want to protect them from all of this hurt. I'm just aware that this bizarre man whom I no longer recognise is going to have influence over my babies. He's started really picking at my son and the things he says to him leaves my jaw on the floor but I can never say anything or it irrupts.

I just want to be through all this now and in my own place living in peace.

Thanks so much for your post, I can't tell you how much this will be my guide when I have wobbly moments