A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Hi all, just came across this thread while trying to understand an issue I was experiencing with DC.
My god, I've read most of this thread with tears in eyes after my 'normal' 5am. brain racing of how I'm going to get through this. So many of your stories and feelings resonate with how I am just now.
We were together 18years, married 10 and have two DC under 10years old.
My hell started last Feb after Valentine's after getting a very cold shoulder for several day's.
My wife finally cracked and told me she no longer had 'feelings' for me but had developed feelings and felt close to her colleague in work.
Devastated does not even touch on how I felt, the hurt and betrayal that had been going for over a year and that apparently she'd felt different about me for over 7 years in our marriage was hard to take.
It turns out that she was able to 'open up' to her work friend (manager) who incidentally had also told her how upset he was when he found out she was married with kids soon after she started her job. She wasn't able to convey it to me for fear of hurt or to any of her many female cousins, relatives or work colleagues though! I've since found out that he 'doesn't want to get married' or ,'have kids' which is obviously quite convenient as we were 'two DC and done'.
Just when you think it couldn't be much worse I also work at the same company, in a different department and often see him during my day in the canteen or corridors of the common areas.
As you can imagine this is a delight for me, my MH and internalised anger and my work performance has been severely affected especially in the early days when I sometimes just broke down in the carpark crying in my car unable to compode myself and walk though the entrance. I often had to leave and WFH. My managers have thankfully been supportive.

After some joint counselling it's apparent that she is besotted with him and has conveniently built up alot of resentment for me over undiscussed issues over the years.
I might add that I did most jobs around the house other than laundry. Did most of the catering, school runs, made packed lunches and 75% of afterschool activity runs, to support her during a change of career 3ywar Uni course.
I'm now in the sad situation of living in the family home with 50:50 contact with my DC, missing them terribly on my day w/e off. She is now renting.
I don't have family about as I relocated 8years ago to her home country, her family have been very supportive buts it's awkward for me because of the link.
I'm trying now to keep my shit together but it's tough when all you want to do is head home. I've now to try and build a life here so I can see my DC and not upend their settled life and friendships.
I barely talk to the woman who was my best friend, love of my life now. The amazing person I married and wanted to be with as we grew old and wrinkly is gone. I actually don't quite know who she is anymore. My love is slowly turning to anger and hatred.
To betray me, cheat, lie, and rub my face in this affair in work and now to freely admit she wants a relationship with this guy is so hard to accept.
I haven't crossed the bridge of how he will have a relationship with my DC if this becomes long term. How can I condone a relationship with them when he has zero respect for their father?
Him persuing and taking my wife and then having access to my DC for 50% is hard to stomach right now.
If you got to the end well done, there is very little support for men in this situation and this tread has helped me alot, thanks for starting it. Sorry if you feel I'm an imposter.

@Sothisiit so so sorry you’re in the same situation, I hope you have found some help in these posts. I know it helped me hugely just knowing it wasn’t only me going through it, because it’s very easy in these situations to believe that you’re a terrible, unlovable, unwanted human being who will never be happy again. Infidelity is a depressingly common occurrence, and it completely shatters the other person.

My ‘numbers’ are very similar to yours - together 18 years, married 12, and a husband who didn’t feel what he should have for 7 / 8. No children for us thankfully so we haven’t had that stressful extra complication.

Dealing with and trying to process the fact that ‘your’ person no longer has feelings for you and on top of that has feelings for someone else, is an incredibly brutal thing to go through, so many on here will relate to it.

Please don’t feel like an imposter, I hope others come along soon and say the same - it’s a truly agonising and traumatic life event whether you’re male, female, white, black, or green! Emotions, heartache and pain are universal.

Hugs to you for the coming weeks.

Please may I have a MN hug? I'm sat here sobbing my heart out. Divorce is progressing but STBXH is being awful. My friends are wonderful but I can't keep leaning on them. I feel so alone, and for reasons I don't understand I feel as though I'm the terrible person, even though it was H that was abusive.
I wish all of this would just stop. I don't know that I have it in me to carry on. I miss the man I married so much. He's gone and never coming back.
I'm sorry... I just needed to vent somewhere.

@AloneAgain2023 Thanks for you kind words. Sorry you are in the same boat. I hope you get the support you need to get to happier times.
Yes it's brutal especially trying to decipher what was actually real in your marriage. I look back at photo's of what I thought were happy times together and just wonder if she loved me then, did she feel the same?
In fact I doubt most of the most recent years since my last DC was born which was apparently when her feelings changed.

I go from enjoying being with my DC and trying to make our times together fun and happy. During these times I hold my sad thoughts in, unfortunately when they go to her all these bottled emotions come out and that's quite difficult.
The weekend in a quiet house without them are desperate. Not what family life should be.
I miss my best friend, the hugs, and the fun we had. It's hard imagining being with someone else and finding a sense of trust not only in a relationship but also in my own feelings again.
Thinking of her with someone else just tears me apart.
Some days I feel so far from home and my family, I've thought of moving back but in my heart I couldn't bare to think that my kids might think I abandoned them when reallythis situation is not my fault.
How could you fix a marriage when your wife didn't even tell you something was wrong? Marriage is a partnership and no one person can fix it, I just wish I'd at least of had a chance rather than be told, it's over and I've found your replacement, in fact you know him he's my manager in our workplace!
It really couldn't be more horrible, I can't even go to work and forget about it.

It’s a process of grieving, for some it takes longer than others but we all have to grieve for the life we lost, the hope that’s gone, acceptance of the situation you find yourself in and the realisation that you can and will build a new life. Personally my first step was to value myself, difficult when you’re at your lowest but it can be done. Remember that these feelings will eventually end and the days you wake up feeling optimistic and happy will increase. Wishing you all strength.

Sending you massive massive love. I'm having a bad day too and totally get you. Xx

@Itisallgoingtobeok Just adding my arms to the group hug. This bit is really shit, but one day you will be free of all of this. Remember to take deep breaths, and believe in yourself.

You poor thing. It’s an awful feeling. I also miss the man I thought was the one for me. Things will get better for both of us, we just have to stick it out.

@CheshireCat1 @SoRainbowRhythms @ithinkicanithinkican @Ginerous Thank you all for your posts and virtual hugs. I feel slightly better this morning. I am really struggling with my anger. STBXH does not take any responsibility for the abuse he subjected me to for over a decade. I know abusers never admit they are wrong, but it has left me with the feeling of deep injustice that I can't shake. Having to deal with him over the house sale is not helping.

Hugs to all.

The hope I worked so hard into getting rid of popped back today. I half expected to see his car outside when I came home. His car will never be here again, and I don't even want him back after what he's done to me, but man that was a blow.

Need to get the house on the market but have to wait until he agrees to 50/50. I need to get out of "our" home.

@Itisallgoingtobeok Hope you had a better day today.
I find I have some good and some bad days. Thankfully as time progresses I am finding the good days are outweighing the bad days.
There is an importance in finding time to do something that makes you smile😁each day.

@Sothisiit if you don’t mind me asking how long into your break up are you? I am so fed up of how I feel, I am desperate to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

@Ginerous I found out on Feb 15th, we tried to work through things for a while but it became obvious her feelings for the work colleague were more than her feelings for me. She moved out in November. Now I know she wants a relationship with him I've stopped communicating other than for coparenting reasons.
I can't look at her now without so much anger, hate and hurt brewing inside. Wondering how she could do this in my/our workplace to someone she still apparently cares for and wants to have an amicable parenting relationship with.
My good days are when I'm with my DC. The weekends without them are tougher, being in work is not easy either, but I've told more people in work the situation and that has helped.
I found the SMILING MIND APP good to put a more positive spin on my day. I'm now working hard to sort out a better sleep pattern and eat well.
The sleep is not great today hence the early morning reply😗
It's not easy but it's not going to take me down, I need to he the best dad I can.

Morning, checking in briefly as I've not been very good at keeping up with the conversation.
I'm grateful for the support I'm finding around me but still feeling very alone, and thinking about getting used to being independent and relying on myself when I never have - met ex a week after leaving home at 18. It's a relatively amicable split (so far) but he's not my person anymore.

@naturalbaby hope you’re doing ok? It’s tough, i was 21 and now single at 36. Didn’t even know how to sort gas / electric as ex partner dealt with it all. When I sorted it I feel a weird sense of achievement. All I could think of was when Pinocchio says ‘I’m a real boy now!’
I’m just over 4 months in and it does get easier.
Have you got many friends around you? x

I'm very new to a breakup. 3 and a half years. I'm 34. Thought he was the one. He ended it. Very sad. Hope I can join you all.

Welcome to the club nobody wants to join @JamSandle 😊

I feel very rollercoaster-y at the moment. Still no contact since he told me I wasn't to have half the house (and I set him straight). Almost 3 weeks now. It's a bit of a millstone now and I feel quite stuck and sad.

Thank you. Been in this club too many times and it never gets easier. I also think this breakup was my fault as he was the healthiest partner I've ever had. I'm gutted.

I cant bear social media at the moment - engagements, weddings, babies. I feel my whole future has been swallowed up.

I'm just coming out of that, but only for specific things and only with my friends - I don't like speaking to strangers atm. Went dancing with close friends and it was lovely, but I went to a hen this weekend and had to take myself away a few times.

I definitely don't like being social at the moment. I want to stay away from everyone. I feel too raw.

@naturalbaby and @Sl2001ie - I know what you mean, I met STBX at 17 and am now nearing 50. I've never been an adult on my own. Im fine, and I'm doing it, but I feel very, very sad.

Im feeling in a dangerous place tonight. Can anyone hold my hand?

@JamSandle we’re here for you.

I feel so guilty for my part in the demise of my relationship. I cant see a way forward.