A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

It's a tonic isn't it!

Yes and it helps with perspective. It’s easy to think everyone else is happy and secure in their relationships of course that’s not the case.

Unfortunately my friends are all very happily coupled or married. Bastards 🤣

lol. Good for them but the older I get the more I realise there are no guarantees. People have affairs, get sick, split up when kids get to a certain age, etc. obviously I don’t wish this on anyone but sometimes I find myself thinking I’m the only one who has two failed relationships behind them but the reality is lots of people have stuff going on behind the scenes.

@Ginerous this my my second divorce too so nothing surprises me!

Hi all,

I haven't posted for a while, as I'm going through all the legal stuff at the moment, and am struggling with that, and also trying to move forward with my life, as I don't want my whole life to be about my divorce.

I have been keeping up to date with everyone's posts though.

@Didsomeonesaydogs - I saw your list - omg!

I have a list of my 'crimes' too:

1. ‘All’ of his depression, is all my fault - despite the fact that he was treated for depression before we had even met.

1. I don’t wear the same little clubbing dresses that I used to wear in my mid-twenties anymore (I’m nearly 50 ffs)

1. I don’t look sexy in my clothes anymore - I maintain a healthy BMI (he doesn’t, and he slobbed about in tracksuit bottoms and baggy tops). I also always make an effort with my hair and makeup etc.

1. I didn’t show him enough affection (no amount of affection would have sufficed) - this, after he had nearly lost the house, cheated on me for a number of years (and sworn on our son’s life that he hadn’t), lied continuously to my face about anything and everything - and yet, I was somehow meant to be affectionate and passionate 24/7, despite all of this.

There's more....

Amazing how it's all.our fault eh @Jixarixie. Awful women!!

This was a great thread thanks everyone!

I went out with new work colleagues last night and whilst I had a nice time I came away feeling quite sad. They were all happily couples up and talking about their other half’s and it just got to me a little.

I suppose down days are inevitable and it doesn’t help that I’m at the tail end of a cold.

This thread does really help. It’s reassuring to hear from others in similar situations and great to vent on so that friends and family don’t get fed up of the moaning.

Hugs to all x

I've not posted on here before, thank you for starting this thread I will have a read.

It's so hard to know where to go for support. I don't really want to talk to friends at the moment as I don't want them to think badly of my husband if things don't go down the divorce track. But yet I also don't know if I'm going slightly insane as I have no one to sanity check myself with.

We've been married ten years and have a six year old son. We lived overseas for all of that time and returned to the UK a year ago.

It's been tough but my husband just won't be proactive to change things sees moving back to NZ as the only option. He has fractious relationship with absolutely everyone he knows including family, I don't doubt he has depression too but it's been ten years of tip toeing. I want things to work (not sure why 😂)

But I'm starting to think he's emotionally abusive. He will say things like I was ok until I married someone like you, I hate living with you and Toby. I wish I hadn't had kids, I wish we'd never met.

Then then next day he's fine and will expect me to play happy wifey and wants nooky ;-) soooo messed up

I now try not to rise to it just walk away but I'm thinking I should just let him carry out his threats of leaving maybe I will be happier in the long run

Sorry just venting xxxx

Morning all. Things here have taken another turn for the worse. I'm trying to agree a financial settlement with H, but he's continuing the gas lighting and emotional blackmail. I left him because of controlling behaviour (and worse). I knew it wouldn't stop, but I don't have much in reserve to be able to let it not get to me. I want to remind him all the things he has done to me, but I know it won't help and I'm better off ignoring the shit and just trying to get an agreement so we can move forward. My self esteem is on the floor. Sorry, just a rant, but this thread helps get things out of my head.

Hugs to all.

@MrsG2017 I'm so sorry you find yourself here. From what you have written your H does sound emotionally abusive. I was in an abusive and controlling relationship and I wish I had got out sooner. I stayed about 5 years too long. Try not to doubt your instincts, if it feels abusive, it is abusive. I know how hard it is to get out. It is still early days for me, but I know I have done the right thing.

Hugs to all.

@Jixarixie the list of my failings as a wife were extensive too. I have been accused of causing all his unhappiness (even before he met me), not liking sprouts and laughing at a joke on the television. If I had known my dislike of a specific vegetable would lead to divorce I would have checked this during our first date. Lesson learned.

@SoRainbowRhythms I had a nice quiet night in. In the end I watched reruns of the Big Bang Theory and dozed. It's the first restful evening I've had in months.

Hugs to all.

Sending you lots of love. You can do this! x

Really struggling this weekend so here to vent. Found out he is still with the affair partner which I suspected anyway but didn’t know for sure. I know it shouldn’t matter but as others have said it is painful to think of them on a nice weekend away while I struggle to keep a smile on my face for my kids. I would like nothing more to erase the prick from my brain, I don’t want to give him any headspace but it is so difficult. I wish he was miserable too.

Hiya, jumping in this thread - newly separated and catching up on so many messages that resonate with me...
I asked to separate as we weren't happy, he had very low mood/depression but is a lovely guy - he told me I broke his heart and forced him out his home after agreeing it was the best option and he was happier living on his own without me and the kids.
I am completely financially dependent on him (I have low paid part time shift work and spent 10yrs as a stay at home parent).
I need to regain control as things are amicable but I need security.

Really sorry, that's a blow. How are you feeling today? X

@SoRainbowRhythms im pretty down. I feel like I was starting to think about him less but now he’s taking up too much headspace again. I suspected all along that they were still together despite him telling me otherwise but it’s still a bit of a blow.
l would like to get on with rebuilding my life and move forward rather than dwelling on him and what happened but I feel a bit stuck. I’m going to my gp this week as I’m fed up of being so tearful all the time.

Yeah that's a good idea. I've been taking st Johns wort for a few weeks and feel like that's been helping, maybe something to look at? Sorry you feel like that, I totally sympathise xx

I would love someone to just give me a step by step plan for getting over that loser and getting on with my life.

I’m sorry you’re feeling down @Ginerous I’d quite like the how to get over him guide too. It’s pretty obvious my ex is seeing the woman who was just a ‘friend’ (I still don’t believe that) who was going through the same thing (I.e splitting from her husband- conveniently) and although he’d been checked out of our marriage for a while I still had hoped he’d check back in. But now 4 months after finally moving out he’s moving on with her whilst I still grieve our marriage.

@AloneAgain2023 hope you don’t mind me asking how you’re getting on? I know you were due to move into your own place soon. Hope all is ok.

Sending everyone love and strength.

Today marks a month since he left and I'm feeling very flat.

@Ginerous & @Iamnotapotato Bloody horrible isn’t it. There’s an injustice to it - how can they cause so much hurt and get to be ‘happy’ whilst leaving behind a trail of destruction? My ex has dropped our child back and gone off to the person he left me for. Every weekend I have the torment of seeing his nice shoes, going out shirt, aftershave (which I bought and it lingers in the house). It’s absolute torture and I’ve no advice on how to move on but as hard as it is to gather the motivation and strength I’m trying to go out, socialise, exercise and keep busy. I’ve excepted that I will have days where I cry. A lot. But this is part of the grief. You do whatever you need to get through it and seeing the doctor is a good start. Read some old mumsnet threads - positive stories on life after divorce. Some were left for other women / men and now lead better lives than before. And it will be better because we don’t have to live with someone capable of what they did. But the person they have moved on to does. Good riddance scumbags I say! xx

@Iamnotapotato thank you for thinking of me 🙏. I haven’t been on for quite a while but unfortunately my nightmare purchase continues. Each time I think we must nearly be there, something crops up. It’s a leasehold flat and the landlord & management company have been incredibly slow to respond to queries etc. But it has become utterly ridiculous how long it’s been and I have really reached rock bottom. If I had a real alternative I would walk away, but there’s nothing else out there that I want to buy (I’m looking daily!), and I can’t afford to rent without using the money that’s set aside to buy!

And technically I’m now homeless - I left the ex home, stayed in an inexpensive hotel for a week, decided to have a few days away as I was so so low, and when I return on Wednesday will be staying in a clients little annexe flat until I can officially move.

My storage unit will be doubling from March (I got a 6 month 50% off deal back in October thinking I would be moved well before then!). I still have all my clothes and some other bits in ex husbands garage, and I’m living the most utterly miserable existence at the moment. At times it really doesn’t feel as though it’s all worth it. Nearly 57 and homeless, living out of a suitcase feels so horrendous and unjust, while the ex husband is merrily living in what was our house, enjoying his relationship, and having absolutely no inconvenience at all. 🤬🤬

One thing I have noticed though; although I would definitely say I’m depressed and even traumatised by all this, the depression and trauma is all about the damn purchase and feeling homeless and unsettled rather than about the marriage / divorce. Since I moved out a week ago, I’ve not thought about him much at all, except in the context that I’m in this hideous position because of him! So I’m hoping that that will continue. If I EVER get into this bloody flat maybe he won’t be in my thoughts much 🤞🤞Unfortunately I will have to go back in the next few days to get some bits out of his garage, so that might then upset me again. I have to really hope though that he doesn’t add to my stress by asking me to move all my stuff somewhere else, because other than paying for even more storage, I don’t have anywhere to put it all yet! Aaargh 😱.

I hope things are not too bad with you, I’m sorry you’ve had to ‘watch’ him move on with someone else, it really is a brutal process. I do know my ex and his lady friend have just been away for a few days, while I’m unbearably stressed and miserable 😡 The unfairness of it all really doesn’t seem fair does it? So many people have said to me in the past year ‘oh karma will catch up with him’. Well it sure as hell isn’t yet!! The only person who’s in some kind of hell is me!!

💐and hugs to all still struggling.