A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

I'd really recommend the Divorce Care group. It's from people of faith, but you don't need to be (I am not). Makes you feel much less alone and works through emotions and steps. I will virtually attend the meetings every week for sure.

I got an impromptu tattoo today and have brought myself to my favourite bar in Soho for a solo cocktail. This place is cosy and I'm trying to get used to doing things alone.

My husband just isn’t engaging on stuff like custody and having kids. Loose plan was he’d do weekends cause of after school. But there’s this insane roaring when I try and talk to him about how I’m just suiting myself. So I say what do you want? What suits you? And I’m told to fuck off or something similar. I didn’t really expect this to go like this. And so quickly. Do I just do my own thing and when he takes them he takes them?
We are very early days and I’m clinging to hope it can all be amicable. But sure doesn’t look like that way things are going.
I know all I can do is manage myself so I’m not rising to the nastiness

@SoRainbowRhythms ooooh what was the tattoo and hope the cocktail was lush.

@Browniesandcustard I won't post the picture because super outing but i always seem to find Maya Angelou when I'm down so it's from this -

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46446/still-i-rise

I've had a lovely evening but empty house is upon me and it just makes me ever so sad x

thanks for that @SoRainbowRhythms I thought I'd post something more encouraging than usual too. I had a long day at work yesterday and as I was going home (a long drive compared to my old commute) I realised that I didn't mind the drive and the dark stormy night, that I was just really excited to get back to my nice house and put the fire on. I never felt like that about my old house, not in the sense of being excited to get back to it. For several years I've had a new year's resolution to 'live somewhere that i love', and I think I've finally achieved it. Also, when I first moved in I sowed some sweet pea seeds and left them on a windowsill to germinate. Today they have almost all come through. So I think my new start is starting....

That's really good @harlemriver. I'm looking forward to being in that place!

I'm a bit all over the place at the moment and my good mood didn't last long. I have therapy this afternoon which is well timed.

How lovely @harlemriver x

He sent me a letter today listing all the things that he thinks I did wrong and telling me he's starting the divorce. He doesn't want me to have half the house (not happening).

I can hear that fat lady singing.

@harlemriver your story about driving home was so lovely, I am so pleased that you are feeling more settled.

@SoRainbowRhythms how are you feeling now? You said you were very up and down.

@Itisallgoingtobeok still very up and down but that's the final nail in the coffin of 7 weeks of absolute torture. I told him I didn't want to hear his reasons (every paragraph started with "I") and he still went ahead and sent that letter. Quite disrespectful I thought.

I'll be in our home for the foreseeable until it sells, so I bought myself new bedding and pillows and filled it with pictures of friends and family. Threw away all out pictures and my wedding box.

I'm seriously grieving the man I married, but not this stranger.

My ex gave me a list of things that he didn’t like about me during our 23 years of marriage. I realise now that the list came from a place of his guilt and an attempt to justify his actions.

Yes I think so too. He's desperately looking for a villain that isn't him.

Very helpful thread!

This thread has been a huge support and I could hug everyone of you (although I'm sure you'd rather I didn't). Its coming up to 4 months and I still can't talk about what has happened without producing big fat tears so I'm hoping counselling and time will help.
There are some other things helping which I though I might share - some of which are obvious and may cause you to roll your eyes as I'm not the most creative or exciting person!

• Walking - collecting my child from nursery instead of using the car, on my lunch hour, with my dog, with family and friends, taking a flask, sarnies, treats - essentially walking any where and every where that I can
• Making plans - few gigs, comedy nights, seeing family and friends
• Saying yes to stuff I'd normally turn down - went to a foraging meet up last month (although did have a moment of what the F* am I doing here whilst watching people oggle at mushrooms) and next month I'm going to a medical museum that has an evening event which includes performing an autopsy (don't ask!)
• Spotify - I know I'm late to the party here but 3 months free trial and all the music and podcasts you can want
• Youtube wormholes - search for tiny houses or docs by soft white underbelly
• Picnics in the living room with my child and being silly (even if I feel like misery)
• Netflix - loads of dramas and good films - recommend Harlan Coben series
• Vitamin D supplement - thought I'd give them a whirl as supposed to help with fatigue, low mood, bones, hair, sleep, immune system
• Batch cooking and inviting family and friends for food
• Thinking about the jobs that need / would like doing in the house (although some of these are pipe dreams and again involve the youtube worm hole)
• Thee longest baths - last nights record was 2hrs spent watching tiktocs and reading
• Old inspiring mumsnet threads - life after divorce etc, these are fab!

Some of these things are an attempt to distract and quieten the noise in my mind and I find they do help a little. I'd love to know if anyone else is finding anything that helps / makes them feel good? x

Bingo!

Amongst the long list of unforgivable things I did to make him cheat:

• Left bleachy water in the washing up bowl while I was cleaning

• Didn’t use the laundry dosing ball but poured the liquid into the washing machine drawer (because I pre washed his sports kit)

• My gravy moved around too much on the plate and my roast potatoes were too crunchy on the outside and fluffy on the inside

• I had the wrong love language apparently. In the lead up to bomb drop we were at an overnight event with another couple and when I looked at the set menu I knew it wouldn’t be enough food for him so I brought a little picnic of cold meats, cheeses and baguettes, and some truffles. According to him this means my love language is gift giving and not acts of service which he would have preferred! 🙄

Crimes of the century, right? It’s all just nonsense to justify their shitty choices, because if we’re good people and decent wives that means they are complete cunts for betraying us as they did - and in their minds that would never do so they have to build this narrative that we deserved it.

My biggest crime is not wanting to do the same things as him, like cycle 60 miles up a hill. He was sad he had to do this alone 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh crikey I’m with you on the list of supposed misdemeanours.

Apparently we didn’t have the same life goals anymore but he couldn’t tell me what they were.

I had grown old(!) - we’re the same age.

I didn’t jump up to greet him when he came home from work (during lockdown after working from home and looking after the kids).

thanks @Sl2001ie that is a lovely list of things to feel better with. @Didsomeonesaydogs what an enraging list of justifications to be presented with, and shows a completely skewed perspective of what's important / necessary for a relationship. I had a pretty horrendous day yesterday with the individual meeting for the beginning of our financial mediation. The mediator seemed to view herself as a bit of a therapist and kept asking questions about the relationship that I felt weren't really relevant at this point, and had the effect of making me both defensive and tearful. It all ended up feeling very angry and I'm not sure what kind of impression she will have made of me. And then to top it off I saw my ex afterwards and he was being nice and normal and I was just left feeling wtf has happened here and how on earth did we mess this up so badly?

AND to add insult to injury, my lovely house has been a pita with heating. I've been without heating and hot water for two days (and the same last week) and have been waiting all day today for the plumber to come out. I've called to ask for an ETA and they refuse to give one! I need to go out and get food in but know as soon as I leave they'll turn up and I'll end up having to wait until Monday to get it fixed. So I'm just sitting and seething. Grrrr.

@Sl2001ie that’s a great list. I need to do more of this.

One of my crimes on his list was that I had a better relationship with the kids than he did.
Another was that I didn’t like the same tv programmes as him.
I can laugh about now but at the time, when you’re feeling like a piece of dirt on their shoe, it’s devastating.

Yeah I'm still in that stage 😒

Hello everyone, how are we all? It has been a long week an I am exhausted. I am planning a quiet night in tonight with some Netflix and an early night.

Hugs to all.

Hey @Itisallgoingtobeok, that sounds like a nice night!

I went out with friends last night for the first time in the 7 weeks since he dropped the bomb. Was having a great time until our wedding song was played, so that was me in an Uber. Had a friend stay last night who's just left and I'm full of the cold so feeling quite sorry for myself!

What are you planning to watch? X

I had a great night out with an old friend who I hadn’t seen since the break up. It was just what I needed.