A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

@harlemriver Just wanted to say that your post resonated with me so much, particularly in terms of wanting a community rather than yet another new place, new start. 2024 will be the year of my separation and divorce - I'm dreading it, but there's also a sense of wanting to just rip off the sodding plaster and get on with it now. Like you, I find winter a challenge but hold on to your mental strength - spring is a little closer every day! I'm enjoying the other thread running at the moment on women living on their own without husband/partner - there are a LOT of women loving having their own space, both physically and mentally. I like to image that somewhere on the other side of the very difficult year ahead, I have a wee flat for me and my teenager - it'll be cosy for sure (as I don't earn much) but it'll be all mine; clean, tidy, peaceful, stable - no bad vibes or moods from a grown man ever again.

@SoRainbowRhythms sending you a massive hug

Can I ask everyone for some fairly urgent advice. Ex has left family home. His new place isn’t in great shape. Possibly not ready for kids. I think he could have moved quicker with bedding etc. but he hasn’t.
Last weekend I vacated home and he stayed here. Was thrown right back in my face. Could explain but take it that despite every effort was told I was suiting myself. No clue how that could be said. Anyway me vacating home is a pain in the arse but can be done.
He can take kids to his parents this weekend or I vacate. I believe - but he hasn’t told me - he’s made a plan to stay in parents. Should I offer to vacate family home or leave him at it?

@Verysad1978 if the kids would be happy going to the grandparents house I’d be inclined to let him sort things out himself.

Thank you

@Verysad1978 I don’t know the circumstances of your breakup but I’d be reluctant to vacate because when you’ve done it once it’s difficult to then turn it down another time. Start as you mean to go on.

Having him in what is now your space can also start to feel incredibly violating and you are giving up your privacy to someone who has perhaps shown he can’t be trusted (if there was infidelity in your relationship).

You don’t wife for him anymore. Let him get his act together and sort his new property out for himself, without you jumping to the rescue.

Hello all
@SoRainbowRhythms I'm sorry to hear that. The first stage is a huge shock so do what you can to get support and take it one day (or hour) at a time.

@dontwanttostay your situation sounds extremely difficult and abusive. I hope that you can find the strength to go. I wonder if you might find it helpful to post a separate thread so that you can get more individual support? Even though on this thread we are all 'struggling with separation' , divorce is sometimes the best and only option even if it is hard.

Actually that's probably how I feel about my own situation. I am still finding things hard but I am also still pretty sure this is the right path. Moving house was / is hard but was 100% the right thing to do. And although I feel alone and anxious and worried about the future alone, I was lonely and unhappy in my marriage too. My husband's workaholism was making my life very narrow - he never had time for anything other than work, could never prioritise anything other than work. At least now I have the freedom to live completely on my own terms, even if it is a bit daunting right now.

@ithinkicanithinkican where is the thread on living alone? That sounds just what I need - like @Didsomeonesaydogs list of things that you don't miss about an ex, I need to remember all the things that were difficult about living together and appreciate the calm and peace that I have now and the joyful moments as well as the sad ones (I saw my first wild snowdrop of the year today on a beautiful frosty dawn dog walk - spring is on the way!).

@harlemriver I saw this one recently… very thought provoking. My STBXH suggested selling up and buying two separate properties in July 2020, (a main house and a small fixer upper) but we couldn’t find anywhere suitable as our main residence within our budget (we were still tied by DD’s schooling at that point). Little did I know he had already been cheating with his current AP for 2 years by that point.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4986280-given-a-choice-i-wonder-whether-a-lot-of-women-would-prefer-to-live-on-their-own-whilst-remaining-in-a-relationship

There was a good piece in the Guardian yesterday about resuming life after divorce
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/jan/19/post-divorce-im-isolating-myself-at-home-alone-how-do-i-get-out-of-this-funk?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other
i thought it might be of interest to some of you.

Thanks for the link @Ginerous thats really useful.

I work 100% remotely. I’ve never even met my clients face to face as they’re all in different time zones, so I don’t have daily interaction with colleagues. But luckily, having my little dog certainly means I don’t ever get the opportunity to spend even one day without going outside and having quick chats with other dog walkers while we’re on our morning jaunt. Highly recommended!

@harlemriver Yes, was the one that @Didsomeonesaydogs posted a link to. It's a great thread!

Thanks @harlemriver. I'm away with a friend for the night (planned a while ago) which is helping. It's all just so shit.

Is anyone else feeling guilty about being the one to initiate the divorce? STBHX was abusive and I know leaving is the right thing, so why do I feel so guilty about it? He was awful to me, aggressive, controlling, and worse. I do wonder if I feel guilty to the man I married and had a wonderful relationship with until he changed. I know I am not divorcing the man I married if you see what I mean. Perhaps I feel as though I am abandoning my lovely husband, not the monster. I hate this rollercoaster of feelings so much.

Hugs to all.

@Sadgirl101 how are you? I’m sorry, I’m missed your earlier post, but I wanted to check in and make sure you’re ok. You mentioned you were having some negative thoughts. I too have to keep on top of things like that as my MH can dip. Sending you lots of love ❤️

Hi everyone, I hope you are all getting through the weekend ok. I am finding the times when I’m alone really hard. I have loads of things I could be doing around the house but I end up with no motivation and although I might go for a walk I tend to sit around crying in the house! I’m beginning to wonder if I might be depressed or is this normal after a break up I wonder.

@Ginerous I am not sure how long it has been for you, but I felt as you do for a good six months until it started to ease. It is awful, and for a few weeks I tried to bury it, and not cry or think about it, but that made it much worse. In the end I decided to cry it out if I needed it. With hindsight I needed to go through that phase to start to see a little light come back into my life.

With regards to the depression, is it worth seeing the GP? Depression is so awful, and perhaps it is best to get someone to talk to you about it, and nip it in the bud?

Hugs to all.

In the same boat today mate. Was away with a friend last night which was lovely (tainted obviously) and now I'm home alone just wondering what to do. Trying to stay away from the wine!

This is such a needed thread. I’m here bereft at home and my girls are gone to my husband. Well his parents tonight as it happens. But I didn’t ever imagine it would feel this grim. I feel less alone reading what you’ve written and knowing I amn’t a total weirdo. Even though logically I know that it should get better it’s hard to believe that now.
Thank you.

I’m at about the five month stage, which I suppose is still early days really after a long term relationship that I thought was going so well. The breakup was a total shock to me, no warning signs and I was very much in love with my dp, so I think that is making it harder to deal with. I might go back to therapy for a bit.

Sorry to hear you’re all going through tough times. It takes a while to come to terms with the end of a long relationship, especially when it’s been such a brutal shock for so many of us. People don’t comprehend just how painful it is unless they’ve been through similar.

My bombdrop was end of June 22 and I’ve been living alone since December 22. I think I started really turning a corner round about June 23 (1 year since BD, 6m separated). Up til then, I still had days where I woke up crying in the morning. I’ve been feeling very accepting of everything for the past few months.

I moved 100 miles away from STBXH to start over. I’m not sure if that helped or hindered my progress tbh, but as I lost most of my closest friends in the fallout from the split anyway, I didn’t have much to lose. I don’t regret it for a nanosecond. I love my new life and I’m only 30mins from DD’s uni accommodation, so I see her very regularly, which is lovely.

I did my accounts on NYD (I’m a freelancer), and my earnings reflect how productive (and therefore how focused) I’ve been each month and there was a definite uptick around July last year.

After a bit of a false start with some talking therapy that I didn’t find terribly useful, I now have an amazing therapist who I have a session with twice a month using the internal family systems methodology. It does take a while but I feel like I’m really making progress now, although I joke that I’ll still be with her in 20 years!

I hope that gives some of you who are earlier on in your journey some hope. Wishing you all a peaceful weekend.

Uuurgh. It's only mid-January and I'm already wondering how I can live with this man for the majority of this year ahead. Had a horrid nasty row earlier, and I can't wait for him to be gone from my life. But my DD is doing their exams this May, so we've agreed not to say anything until after that, so that we don't potentially make her worried and stressed about the future while she's dealing with all that pressure. Once the weather improves and spring arrives, I can have weekends away in my van, and he's also booked some weekends away, but trying to stay amicable and live together the rest of the time is going to be quite trying, I think. Especially while we try to negotiate all the money stuff. Any hints and tips for living with them while you're pretty much separated?

How are we all doing today?

I didn't get out of bed yesterday and have only just dragged myself out now. Going to have a bath and try to get some fresh air. I am sitting in on a zoom divorce support group tonight to see what that's like.

Have to get the house ready for sale so I've ordered some new art prints to put in the frames I took down with memories of us. Signed off work this week and feel very... Bleugh.

Has anyone used antidepressants to help them get through this? I'm really struggling at the moment. Apart from the separation/divorce/trying to live in the same house situation, my mum died a couple of weeks ago, my kid is in their exam year, there's a lot of additional work pressure for the next 3 months and a good chance I'll get made redundant early next year. And the selling the house/trying to find a new home this year too. I'm thinking I may need something to help me for a few months at least, as I'm not sure I'm going to cope otherwise.

@SoRainbowRhythms i hope you were able to get out of the house for a bit, I too can become a hermit but even a brief walk in the fresh air usually helps brighten my mood a little. I hope the zoom call is useful this evening.

@ithinkicanithinkican yes, I am on antidepressants. You have gone through an incredible lot in a short space of time. Please do go and speak to your GP. Antidepressants are not a quick fix. Or a miracle worker. But for me they can help me get to (and stay at) a neutral level (rather than dip down into a black hole of despair). You seem to be in a perfect storm of stress, grief and loss. One thing would be enough for most of us and you have multiple. None of us are indestructible, please do go and speak to the doctor if you are struggling to cope.