A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

I hope you are ok @Bienbien I know what you mean when you say you feel like you are drowning. People keep telling me that I deserve better. But it isn’t as though you can just order “better” from Amazon or something. I think they mean I deserve a better relationship but it’s not like there are lots of eligible men looking for middle aged divorced women with young kids and a huge amount of emotional baggage. So even if I tried to find “better” I think the lottery has a better chance of success. I have friends but I can’t see myself ever in a relationship which is a sad thing to think when I’m in my fourties’ And people keep telling me I am strong and I will be fine. But I don’t want to have to be strong any more. I’m tired of being strong. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life being strong and working to build a nice life and look after him and the kids and he has now torn it apart and I don’t have the energy or strength to start again. So I feel like I’m drowning too. And I don’t have any answers and wish neither of us felt like this but I sort of follow this thread because I want to hope that one day I won’t feel like this anymore.

Yes I too spent 15 years building a family and a home and now it’s all gone. I have no strength. Sometimes I fantasise about begging him to come back. Self respect seems trivial if only I could get out of this pain.

@Beaniebobbins & @Bienbien,
Sorry that you are both finding things tough at the moment . The initial shock and pain does lessen , you just have to get through it day by day at the moment .
It is difficult as a woman ( or for the majority ) when if you have kids you are responsible for most of the childcare as well .
I can’t pretend a year on that life is all sweetness and light . But I don’t experience the same level of pain as I did at the beginning . I am trying time permitting to do things I enjoy . I can also be more realistic about how rubbish my relationship was for the last few years and I am glad I am out of that . For a long while I felt like I was on a hamster wheel and the only time it changed was when the wheels came off when something difficult happened . I no longer have that feeling and I know that I can cope , although from time to time it does feel a bit overwhelming. But it doesn’t feel overwhelming all the time , which it did in the beginning.
Be kind to yourselves and don’t be too proud to seek out support .

How is everyone doing? I do read all the posts on this thread, even if I don't post often now.

I have had some pretty intensive therapy which has helped a lot with dealing with the trauma. This week as been very hard though. The divorce was finalised last week and I am no longer married. Despite wanting this divorce, I feel desperately sad again. I thought once it was done, I would feel lighter, but I don't. The loss still feels as large as it did. I am hoping these feelings will pass soon, but at the moment I feel in a pit of despair again. I am going to have a quiet day tomorrow and hope that helps.

I think sometimes just sitting with those feelings is the most healing thing you can do.
I wasn't ever married but I'm currently splitting from my long term partner with whom I share a son, and I was trying to explain the sadness to my parents the other day. They have just seen the negatives in my ex's behaviour, so see this as a positive move (which overall it is) and were trying to 'cheer me up'. My parents are lovely and super-supportive but don't really tolerate negative emotions, people always 'need cheering up' if they're down. Anyway, I said to them: I know you don't want me to be sad, but if someone I loved had just died you wouldn't be trying to cheer me up, you'd expect me to feel sad. This is similar because I'm experiencing the death of my relationship, my family unit, my imagined future & (in my case) the hope of giving my son a sibling. So I am grieving and that's ok. It helped them to understand and I think it sometimes helps us to look at things from that perspective too. Grief is not linear and that's why it can jump out unexpectedly and knock you down again.
But it's equally important to remember that you'll get up again when you're ready and the future will be bright x

@Itisallgoingtobeok,
sorry to read that you are finding it difficult recently . Look after yourself and be kind to yourself . It is perfectly normal to be upset by the finality of divorce , even if you knew it was coming . It is the formality of it and the fact that you are no longer married .
I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow , if you drink and like it by yourself a nice bottle of wine / fizz / nice beer / gin ( tipple of your choice ) and toast the fact that you have made it through it . Battered and bruised perhaps , but still here and plan something nice to do for you . If you can afford it , can you plan a holiday / day trip / nice lunch / catch up friends & family ?

Hope you also find something good to watch on tv and also treat yourself to some nice chocolate . If you want any box set suggestions am happy to suggest something or there is lots on the tv& film thread including a best series one for the last 5 years .
if the weather is ok a nice walk and coffee also helps to clear your head .

I'm week one and in emotional torture. I just don't understand why he gave up on us. I can't take feeling like this for 1 month, 6 months or 12? I'm a SAHM empty nester. Have no idea what to do. Keep busy they say but there are alot of hours in the day for someone like me. Friends have rallied but so lonely and destitute.

It really is hard. I'm 4 months in and currently moving out, so I've gone back to square one of grief again. I think it's hard to come to terms with because there was no infidelity or abuse. He just wanted to end it because we were arguing all the time. But we kept arguing because he wouldn't make an effort. Why didn't he try that instead, rather than filing for divorce?!

@Babysteps123 Sorry to read that you are going through this now and with a DC too .
I think people ( who haven’t experienced it for themselves ) can be a bit blasé about relationship break - ups that is because statistically they are so common . That doesn’t mean that they aren’t very difficult for those of us who have to go through them .
Like other types of grief it has various stages , and we just have to transition through them at our time and pace .

I think you are spot on about being upset about the loss of your dreams / future plans . So we aren’t just dealing with the day to day practicalities but also what we thought would happen in the future .
I am sorry for you that this will probably mean the giving up of a sibling for your DC . I was past this stage when I separated , however each stage has its own challenges .
Please be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up or feel guilty about where you are in life . None of us enter into relationships and have DC with the intention of splitting up .
it is difficult when our lives have been so entwined with our ex not to feel sad . Even if the relationship wasn’t great at the end , there were obviously happier times .
I think it is helpful to/ heals us to think through things . On phone and I can’t remember if you said you had got counselling , if you haven’t and can access it ( some larger employers have Employee Assistance Programmes that offer some free counselling ) try and get some .
It is lovely that you have support from your parents .
Take care

@thatsthatsaidthemayor
I think the loneliness for us all is difficult . Even if we do keep busy we are missing all the parts which others take for granted eg the mundane things of watching tv / having a default plus 1 etc .
I am glad that you have support and this will make things easier for you .
As I said in a previous post , a relationship breakdown is difficult and we have to go through stages of grief for this .
You need to be kind to yourself and deal with it in your own way and what works for you .
I am over a year on and at first I wanted to hide away and didn’t want to even go to the supermarket in case I bumped into someone and they asked after my ex . What would I say , would I tell them we had split / burst into tears?
Although I have children still at home they are of the age where they don’t want to spend much time with me . So I also feel lonely at times too .
I did wallow for months in my feelings . I also got some counselling , which could help you if you access it .

I then even bored myself and was also angry that I was still wasting so much emotional energy thinking about my ex . This was when I knew from the very start that our relationship had been in a bad place . I was upset that I hadn’t been given the chance to rectify the problems or even to allow an amicable split ( my ex cheated ) .
I feel more positive now . I have reconnected with old friends and tried to carve out some time to do things I enjoy .
So it may be that you will get some respite from keeping busy at a future time , but aren’t there so early on in the aftermath .
It may help to try and plan a holiday / break with family / friends if you can afford it just to have something to look forward to .
Or even to try and immerse yourself in a good series . The tv and film section on here has great recommendations .
Take care

@PinkGorilla.
I have said in previous posts that I find relationship break downs like a game of snakes and ladders . You think you are doing a bit better , but then something else comes along to knock you down .
Moving out is one of those events , so be kind to yourself.

We can’t always fully understand why our ex’s did X or Y and they will sometimes do what they do for selfish reasons, even if it is hurtful to us . We can drive ourselves crazy thinking of the why ??? I know I did and counselling can help this or speaking to friends/ family .

4 months is still early days , so everything you are going through is I understandable . It is frustrating to not be given the chance to speak through things / resolve the issues in a relationship .

We have to accept however, that for a relationship to work both parties need to want it and it will ultimately fail when one person is doing all the heavy lifting .
I am not sure if it is applicable to your situation , but when I looked back at my relationship I could see that my ex had checked out ( of the relationship ) long before we broke up . Different circumstances for me as my ex had cheated on me.

The point is that he was at a different stage to me . He had already moved on and thinking of his future when I was left reeling and in shock after finding out about an affair . I therefore couldn’t understand his behaviour as it seemed so cruel and cold .

In time I had to accept that it was what it was and I couldn’t change this , but only how I dealt with it . That meant for me not overthinking it constantly . It wasn’t easy to get to that stage , but I did and you will too .
Don’t be afraid to continue to reach out for support from friends and family . Take care

Struggling recently. The complete lack of care ive been shown, totally shut out like i never mattered now hes with the ow he cheated on me with. Digs about their holidays they have planned, bragging thwt shes paid for it all, what car she drives etc etc all while doing the bare min with the children. I cam apply for my conditional order next month. I just want it done now. I know once it's finalised I'll feel sick deep sadness all over again. I keep harping back to why did he do it. Why couldn't he just leave me and we could remain friends. I just feel so down and shit. D day for me was 5 months ago.

@Babysteps123 - I think you have hit the nail on the head. Everyone sees this as hugely positive, which it is. I am no longer in a toxic relationship, but it wasn't always like that. Prior to his mental health problems we had a wonderful life together and the loss of that feels immense. I know it will ease over time, but these last few days have been incredibly painful.

@Candlesburn thanks for your lovely post. I am trying to be kind to myself, whilst sitting with my feelings. I popped out to the supermarket yesterday and saw all the miserable looking couples, which reminded me of the benefits of being single.

@thatsthatsaidthemayor - I also live alone, and I understand what it is like to have to fill your days. My friends are lovely, but all are married with children, and rightly they come first. I really do feel awfully isolated. I am trying to encourage myself to get out and meet new people, but frankly I don't have it me at the moment. I am coming to accept that I need this time alone, however painful it might be, to reset and find a new way.

I'm so sorry for everyone struggling with the "why did he do it". Unfortunately it's because he could and he wanted to, and as @Candlesburn says, he probably checked out a lot time ago and processed all this stuff we're going through long ago, he just didn't tell us as his partner.

Breaking up is hard to do for both sides, obviously worse for the person who wants to continue, and ideally the person whose feelings have changed does it with compassion and care but sadly that seems v uncommon. In my case my ex was unable to express his emotions, refused to discuss disagreements, sulked instead of discussed, so it's actually very on brand for him to dump me by starting a relationship with someone else.

My advice in the early days is much like others: be nice to yourself, connect with others, get counselling. The faster you re-establish your newly single life and start doing things for you, the better you'll feel. What did you not do because he didn't like it? Do a lot of that! Any places you didn't go, or people you didn't see, or hobbies you didn't start, or things you didn't wear? You are now free to step out of relationship compromise mode and into doing whatever the hell you want. And yes, it's scary at the start when you're used to making joint decisions or always thinking about someone else but I promise it gets easier as you practice making your own decisions.

I was driving myself home the other night in the car I recently chose and paid for, and I thought briefly of some ick things ex did, and I just laughed and shouted "fuck you Dave" (other men's names are available), turned my music up and drove on ahead towards my own bright compromise free future. Sadly I'm still living with ex a year on while we sort out housing, and I'm sure I'll have another dip when that's finally resolved, but I feel ok about it, it'll be briefly hard but I'll get through it and out the other side. I feel like I've got my emotional toolbox sorted, because of counselling, friends and me being nice to myself!

We are now free, our exes have done us the favour of releasing us from ever having to expend our precious energy on them, and we are responsible for our own happiness. Go get it! Xxx

Hi

This feeling will pass. It's a case of being kind to yourself, embrace whatever comes your way and remind yourself that a different new life can be just as good.

All the very best xx

Word for word the exact same from my OH. I am sure that he is having some sort of identity crisis. I guess if he loved me enough he would have fought harder. I feel like I was the easiest complication in his life to give up on.

Today is my wedding anniversary.

I'm in the "why did he do it?" camp. Swears there's no one else. It came so out of the blue I couldn't really understand the words to begin with. His reasoning is that he feels differently, that we were friends. We weren't unhappy, did so much together. I cannot understand why he didn't say anything before he got to that stage. We have teenagers and they are absolutely gutted.

I think they do it because they can and they are selfish. Men mostly haven’t been raised to put anyone else before their own perceived happiness.

@Bienbien- look after yourself today. It’s never going to be an easy day.

I think you are right.

I think you might be right Bienbien although I've had lots of male friends tell me they think he's gone mad (though they seem to be more along the lines of - he'll make his life worse than - how can he do that to his family which is what most women seem to be saying).

It's so completely alien to me. For me to hurt the kids like he has I would have to be leaving a miserable, hurtful life. He says all the time that I'm fantastic and that in most ways we were happy, but that we had lost the spark/ he didn't feel "like that" and he didn't believe that could be worked at.

18months on and I’m still tortured every moment of the day. He denied affair repeatedly until after a year he admitted to be in a ‘recent’ relationship. I’ve now had sight of his bank statements as part of Form E and he was paying money into the bank account of a colleague, his girlfriend all the way back to the point I was still in family home and he was denying anyone else being involved, he was using me domestically and emotionally, telling me he was having doubts, couldn’t cope without me with me, having breakdowns on me while sliding into a new life with his girlfriend and unbeknown to me spending night with her as we prepared our son for the separation. He paid over £1000 into her account at the same time he told me he wasn’t enjoying himself, was very lonely, depressed, stressed and not sleeping. im just exhausted with it all. There’s him all lived up playing house with AF and I am just done.

Reading the accounts here of being blindsided is really helping me. I am struggling to give up hope that he will come back but these stories are resonating with me. This is very much his pattern of behaviour. I am grieving and in a lot of pain at the moment, I know it's natural but I'm scared that it will never end and that I will end up alone for the rest of my life and very bitter and twisted. There really are too many hours in the day for me to dwell on this :(