A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Thank you for your kind message . i think it is very wrong to conceal , and it must have been awful for you .
Sometimes , when I was alone in my place , I wished I had known someone before leaving ! Everything felt sooooooo hard !
I m glad I did not , as even harder for everyone . What I would say to you is that you will find happiness , whatever that means , sooner than you expect . Most people try to do the right thing , and stumble in the process . X

Hi @Beargirl
Some years ago, I too was the one to instigate the break up of a long relationship so I know how it is on the other side of the fence too. I didn’t manage it brilliantly but I did treat my ex then with much more respect than my recent “D”H has treated me.

He has rewritten history, blamed me for everything, made himself the victim, is making me leave the home we built together, and is now trying to go after me for every penny he can get despite being much more financially comfortable than I am. He has had some sort of mid life crisis/breakdown and has blamed me for it all when it’s obvious that it’s caused by several other things going on in his life. He didn’t try to talk to me and his inability to confront either his own issues or to fix things in our relationship, which did suffer from various things last year (I was caring for an ill parent, and then I ended up in hospital myself (during which time he left me to go abroad), for example) has meant that I am having to leave our lovely home and will be much worse off.

I’m sorry for your situation and I know it’s not easy being the instigator either but I have absolutely zero sympathy or kind feelings towards my ex who put a bomb under our relationship and treated me terribly because of his own immaturity.

He sounds awful . But why do you have to leave the home you built together ? Is it worth your speaking to a lawyer ?
I do absolutely understand your point , and I firmly believe one needs to treat others the way one would like to be treated oneself .
it sounds like you did do that when you instigated yourself .
What I have noticed is that people who really have breakdowns can ( not always of course ) be very self centered and it is so much easier to blame others for one s misfortune .
My instinct tells me that it might be worth getting a second opinion on the legal aspects of your divorce . Especially if you had health problems yourself …..
X

Because you might be entitled to a fairer share if you have been unwell , and it is possibly recurring . Just a thought !

Hi @Beargirl
I can't afford to stay in our house and he can unfortunately. It's as simple as that. I've thought of every which way but I can't stretch to it. I dropped a day a week as well a couple of years ago so I had more time to look after my ill parent. He earns more than me and is full time and is much more financially comfortable. I've had to get legal advice because he is trying to go after a share of a rental house I have too. We're not married and he has no legal claim on it whatsoever but he's still trying which means I have to incur solicitor's fees to refute his claim. You'd think I was the one who ended things with him after behaving badly and was kicking him out of the house with the way he's treated me.

I'm sorry you're struggling too. I'm sure you had your reasons and I'm sure you handled the break up with your STBXH way better than my ex handled it with me. When I broke up my first long term relationship, I didn't do it brilliantly (I was a lot younger and more immature) but I still managed it better than my ex has handled things with me. And it was the right thing to do and that first ex went on to marry someone he's been with ever since and they have three kids together. I didn't want to break up this recent relationship and his grievances with me were niggles that could easily have been sorted out. His family, my family and our friends all think he has a screw loose at the moment.

You're absolutely right that people who have breakdowns can be pretty self-centred. I'm pretty sure that's what's happened with him.

PS Luckily the hospital stay was a one off but it was pretty serious. I knew from his lack of contact when I was in hospital and he'd gone abroad to see this family member that he'd stopped caring about me by then.

I hope you can find a solution to all of this . Being very ill too really has an impact on your morale .
But you sound like a very strong person and it shows in your writing .
Have you got a good set of friends who can cajole you into happiness again ?

Hi , hope we are all doing ok and the Easter holiday was at least a bit of a break . How are you all doing ?

I found Easter to be in some ways more difficult than Christmas , as the kids were mainly with the ex over the holidays including on Easter Sunday . I love chocolate and was perturbed to realise no one was going to buy me an Easter Egg . ..Crisis diverted , I chose the one I wanted whilst at the supermarket ! Kids way past the Easter Bunny stage but was still a bit sad they weren’t with me on the morning .

I hope everyone finds this a non judgemental space , no matter how we arrived at divorce / separation . The end result is still the same -the end of a relationship with someone we no doubt thought we would grow old with and the resultant emotional toll on us and our kids for those that have them .It has been good for me to post here and get support from those who have faced the same challenges . Some of us can relate directly to those who find themselves in similar circumstances e.g if ex had an affair like mine .

It’s not really about who called time on the relationship . Technically I ended mine , but only after finding about the OW and ex then showing very little remorse or willingness to work on it . It’s not really either just about the relationship ending , but about how the relationship ended for some of us , lying , cheating etc and the behaviour of our exes .

I am still tentatively reaching out to old friends that I had lost touch with . I am trying to make more of an effort with my social life . It is helping me not being stuck at home all the time . I have had to accept though that it is usually on me to arrange things , as otherwise whilst being well meaning I think a lot of people just don't socialise as much and don’t reach out .

I was certainly guilty of being stuck in a relationship bubble and focussed on the kids and not making the effort either with friends .

It is still lonely for me , especially at weekends . I am glad that I mostly work from home and don’t have that Monday morning conversation with colleagues about what you did at the weekend . My reply would otherwise be - caught up on laundry , went for a solo walk , went to the supermarket , watched some tv ….. My excitement last night was trying out a new Chinese/ Thai takeaway option which was surprisingly good .

It does remind me a bit of being back in lockdown when you finished work for the week , were initially excited that it was “ the weekend “ but then realised you didn’t have much to do .

I really miss not being the most important person / significant other to someone . I know I am important to my kids but they don’t see me as a person , but just someone who cooks , cleans and does their laundry etc .

I do get the impression with the few relatives I have , that they are almost patting me on the head , saying - there , there and listening to me but then gladly embracing their own cosy coupledom . But then I get I am probably a bit over sensitive and I have probably not been the best company post separation and focussed on negative feelings about the loss of my relationship .

I am doing my best to be more positive but still finding it hard. Does anyone have any positive stories about what worked for them ?

Oh my dear , I completely understand how you feel , and I do get the importance of being someone s most important person . Our children love us but they do not always see us as individuals !!!!
My personal advice is to meet people online . I say this because a friend recommended it to me , I then recommended it to several male and female friends . I have found that many people are feeling the same way . Company , friendships are very important in this journey Have you tried that ? Xxxx

This will not be everyone's cup of tea, but I have been listening to this playlist on Spotify and I find it so uplifting. It's a bit spiritual but it's also all about finding yourself and loving yourself and remembering your purpose etc. I hope someone else might like it too: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/29VTyYpv4PcB9zepiXn9vT?si=T4QeQhmnQ-q731qGsZteVg&pi=n5D-jC4CS1ayj

I haven't posted in a long time, but I do read all the posts. I am sorry everyone is here. I am almost 2 years post leaving, and things are much better. I rarely cry now, although there are still days when I feel the betrayal, and how much he has wrecked my life. I live totally alone, and I will admit that I am lonely. I miss being part of a partnership. I know that I will never have that again, not after what he has done. I am still waiting for the financial order to be approved by the court. He delayed, and cheated and lied on that too, but now I just want it done.

Whilst that all sounds very gloomy, life is much better. It is calm, and peaceful. I have made a deliberate effort to get out and about and to do things I love. It eases the feeling of isolation, and I know given time I will get used to this way of life.

Hugs to all.

Thanks Beargirl . Are you talking about online dating or meet - up Apps ?

I am over 50 and whilst I wouldn’t rule out a relationship in the future , I have not ventured into dating apps as I think from the various threads on Mumsnet it is a particularly grim experience for over 50s women . This is detailed as a lot of men in that age group are apparently looking for much younger women and can get them , or others who are usually single for very good reasons . I appreciate that is generalising and there must be some decent men still about .

i did look at the meet up app - which is also to meet platonic friends and that may be something I look at joining in the future . In case anyone is interested it was about £80 per year or £5 per week - but could cancel at anytime . There seemed a lot of online meet ups but not so much in my area face to face .
Are there any you can recommend ?

Hello again . Well , I met a lovely man within weeks , who is 7 years younger than me and my female friend same but it took longer . Another friend is meeting men a few years older than her and is finding they have less energy than her . In her case , it is for friendships really .
I was recommended the telegraph dating app ( not linked to any party ) and it felt right .
I did not meet a single nutty man , I must admit .
But it can be trial and error . Although if you take it with a pinch of salt , all good .
Do you know what you are looking for , though ? I certainly did not , apart from kindness and optimism .
xxxxxx

I should add I am 65 .

Thanks @Babysteps123 . Will give that a go . Have also tried some of the wind down sessions on bbc sounds .

Don t write off meeting a person later on ! Not everybody is a heel , and it is better to trust people , don’t you think , than not ?
I admit you seem to have had such a ghastly experience and I have not had that . But I think you deserve to put your trust in others to give yourself the chance to thrive , with it without a partner .
xxxx

Thank you for your post, I’m at the 16 months mark and still devastated so to know that someone 2 years on feels they have moved on gives me a bit of hope. I too feel like I will never be with anyone else but I have my 12 year old son 4 nights a week so I don’t feel lonely now whether I will when he’s left home I don’t know but I just can’t imagine sharing our space with someone. I think there so much for single people to do now and less stigma that I’m not too worried about being alone, if it happens it happens but it actually gives me a sense of power and strength doing stuff alone as a woman. Like the first holiday post spilt, my ex took my son on the all inclusive that had been booked for all
of us while I took my son on a camping holiday, 6 hour drive to Cornwall, put up the tent myself, cooked, dealt with adverse weather, leaking tent, organised meeting up with another family we knew holidaying down there, packed itinerary of fun stuff - all this after having my life shattered, being emotionally manipulated and lied to, having the emotional and physical strain of having to move out of the family home just a month before and with a major bowel surgery booked for just 2 weeks after the hol! As much as I hate what I have been through when I really think about things, what he has done and what its forced me to do has shown me how bloody strong I am! A friend’s husband just sent me this quote and it’s so true! I hope you continue to keep moving and finding a joyful life bit by bit xxx

Thank you pancakesforelephants for suggesting this group
Sunday my husband of 23 years completely blindsided me by saying he has had enough and that's it done.
I have 4 children 3 of which live at home and my whole life has been him and my children.
I suffer with depression and anxiety. I have no one to turn to.
I'm so alone and scared of life
I don't have any family as mine have all passed away and I have 2 friends that I don't really see as they have never really been fond of him and it's been hard over the years with our son who is autistic. The reason he gave was he feels like he isn't worthy of being a husband or a dad and feels like he can't provide properly. Which broke me as he is the best man ever but then he is on all these sites talking to women so I'm more confused than ever. I have spoken to him as he still lives here and sleeps on the sofa. He says he is talking to these women but doesn't know what he wants from them

@rhi4 I'm so sorry, it sounds like he's totally checked out of your relationship but doesn't want to say.

All you can do is try to refocus on you, your needs and your children's needs. Of course it's scary when you've dedicated your life to your husband and children, but now it's time to be brave and figure out what you want from your life.

Remember the phrase, "put your oxygen mask on first"? That's what you need to do. It's a horrible time and you'll have ups and downs as you try to adjust to the idea that he's no longer there for you, but I promise it does get easier.

Is counselling an option at all for you? It's not for everyone but please do explore it especially if you don't have close friends. And rekindle your friendships with people who think your ex is a dick!

@rhi4 I’m so sorry he’s putting you through this and you are joining this shit club. And I’m mad for you that he’s not making sense saying he doesn’t feel worthy to be a husband or dad….erm well how about he tries harder??!! I’m no one to give advice as I am still devastated 16 months on (even though I can now see clearly what an awful person my ex is) BUT I am still doing, still turning up and then some for my son, still doing my job, still being kind to others. Like @PancakesForElephants said reconnect with those friends who didn’t like him, tell anyone you meet what has happened, you will find mere acquaintances will want to support you. I’ve been blown away by the support I’ve had from the school mums.
You are stronger than you think you are and you will get through this, it’s not fair and the injustice feels crippling some days but we have no choice.
Keep talking to people, and maybe you need to have a final talk with him, see if counselling is an option he’d be prepared to try even if it’s to help you understand why he needs to end the marriage.
Sending you a lot of love x

@rhi4. I am so sorry to that you find yourself in this position , but welcome to the thread .

Is there anywhere that your H ( definitely not DH ) could stay even on a temporary basis ? It must be very difficult to be dealing with everything else and then also to still be living with him .

I think a lot of people use that expression “ blindsided “ and it is very apt . The issue as others have said , is that he has been gradually checking out of the relationship but to you this has come out of nowhere .

Not always , but usually when the man has initiated a break up , there is some one else waiting in the wings - as they say “ cherchez la femme “ .

Your husband may not be at that stage but from what you have said , he is at the very least considering his options and being completely disrespectful and hurtful towards you . In his mind it is all about him and what he wants rather than prioritising you and the kids .
It is difficult to be in a limbo situation where you do not know where you stand . If you are able to afford to I would get some counselling for you . The ideal is that you and your husband get individual counselling and then look at couples counselling - only if you feel that the relationship is worth saving.
.
But you need to remember that it is not just your husband calling the shots and what you want is also important . There is only so much that you can give of yourself and for a relationship to work , you both need to want it and not that you are the one putting in 95 per cent of the effort .

Look after yourself , you need to think of your physical and emotional needs . If you don’t do so , you won’t be in a position to look after your kids . Try and also get some support in real life , you mentioned friends that didn’t like him . Reach out to them . You also need to make sure that you are eating and hydrating yourself even if it is little meals .
Take care .

So sad to hear you are having such a sad time rhi4
But know that there are many support groups where you can meet in person and discuss. And that you are not alone ! X

Husband of 15 years dropped the bomb on me on Friday. Said that he wants to separate, he doesn’t love me and gave me legal looking framework of the terms of separation, including financials. Then he told the kids, which took all of ten minutes. He moved out yesterday to a flat he has arranged nearby.

I have been pretty much a stay at home mum to our 8 and 11 year old kids for the last few years. He wants to sell the house asap, have me and kids move out and find flat with a certain amount of money that is not enough to buy a three bedroom where we live. He doesn’t care if I find a nice flat for me and kids or not. He has offered monthly child support, and is very reluctant to keep paying school fees.

he cheated on me seven years ago. I begged. He stayed but has had one foot out the door ever since. He has refused counselling. Has given me no physical or emotional intimacy for years now. He is a workaholic and I have always done the lions share of childcare and household management. I devoted my life to this family and now here I am.

I feel like I’m drowning.

@Bienbien I am so sorry that you are going through this .

I think from what you have written your H has found someone new and is either having an affair or contemplating it .

Due to the fact that he has got financial information already and an outline agreement , it does look like he has been contemplating this for some time .

You need as they say to ; “ get your ducks in a row “ and seek urgent legal advice about where you stand financially .Do you have friends / family who have been through a separation / divorce and may recommend a solicitor to you ? He may already have attempted to conceal / move assets so it is very important that you protect you and your children financially .

I think you have to also accept that he has now completely detached from you and you cannot trust anything he says or does . Sadly he does not see you and probably not his kids as his priority . His energies will be focussed on this new person or his hunt for a new woman and he will be finding this exciting and rewarding .

I see from what you have written that he has previously cheated so you will unfortunately remember some of the stages of the relationship breakdown . You are still in the shock one , you thought everything was fine and then find out he has been planning this for some time . Please look after yourself make sure that you eat , even if little and often and keep hydrated . It is important that you also get support in real life from friends and family . This relationship breakdown is not on you , it was caused by your H’s behaviour . Do not waste your emotional energy on guilt ie if only I did X , Y etc . There may have been some issues in the relationship and let’s face it who has an amazing relationship when we are bringing up kids and have the demands of daily life ? Your H did not try and address these and let you know how he was feeling, but instead just selfishly looked out for his own needs and wants .

If you can , take a friends/ family member to at least your first meeting with the solicitor . If you do not feel comfortable with the first solicitor shop around . It is overwhelming at this stage , but you will get through it and have a lovely life with your kids in the future . Your H is not worthy of you and you will be happier without him , although it will be difficult initially .

Take care , there are so many lovely people on this thread who have got through this and have gone onto lead a happier life . A relationship breakdown is also something that can take a good while to get over , especially as your lives have been so enmeshed for years and have brought up a family together . Do not beat yourself up if you are still finding it difficult further along . I think it is a bit like a game of snakes and ladders , you make sone progress but then something sets you off and you feel that you are back down again .

I am over a year on after finding out about an affair . I went through the stages of shock , anger etc and now I try and act as indifferently as I can to my ex and try my hardest to not waste any emotional energy on him .

Thank you for taking the time to write this.

the heartbreak coupled with money worries and parenting is no joke. I’m finding early mornings the worst.

Hi everyone. How are you all doing ?
@Bienbien and others who are just recently separated I hope that you are managing to get through the tough initial weeks , months . It is really one day at a time and you will realise that little by little you are getting stronger and although you will undoubtedly face new challenges , that things that may have unsettled you in the week before , won’t now because you have already dealt with them .

I think with anything mental health / emotional - one of the biggest challenges is the uncertainty that we all face . It isn’t like having a broken leg , where the Dr might say - you wear this plaster for x weeks , perhaps have sone physio for Y weeks but unless setbacks you will be walking again by Z date .

We don’t have that certainty of a timeframe , other than knowing it does get easier from week to week and we just have to go through it for our kids sake and for ours .

I have had a busy week , my social life has improved , because I have made more effort to get back in contact with friends that I drifted from . But it did take me a year post separation to reach out to these friends , as couldn’t face more rejection before then .

I still feel lonely at weekends , when my kids aren’t engaging so much with me . I had a wobble again yesterday when I worried about my financial future and how I will cope whilst working , in the future - retirement . Still optimistically doing the lottery and at least give myself some time to daydream about what not having to worry about finances would mean .

Hoping to go out for a long ( solo ) walk later today as looking dry and sunny here .