A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Hi , not sure if anyone else is still out there and reading . Hope you are all doing well and for those who have kids / have mothers still about that Mother’s Day is going ok for you . For all of us who don’t have our own mothers or don’t have their own children / family and not through their own choice .

Life has been a bit hectic recently with health issues re the kids and also a family bereavement . It is still the game of snakes and ladders for me , make some progress but then something else comes along and knocks me back down again .
Have been a lot more successful in my interactions with ex, was able to be indifferent and just try and keep out of his way when he is about for the dc . But yesterday another heated situation , where I couldn’t remove myself and it descended into arguments .
I am really angry still , with how he treated me but also further down the line also how his actions have led to difficult and challenging times for the dc .

Again it is not that the marriage necessarily broke down, but how it broke down , his coldness , emotionally detaching for OW etc .

Things that have unsettled me recently ; updating my hairdresser re changing my name . Was under both names at various points and ai just said , oh I suppose I should go back to ( maiden name ) .No one else was there at the time so I updated her about my messy separation . It was quite cathartic and she was lovely , don’t know how discreet she will be . But didn’t tell her all the gory details .
Admin as well , think I also previously mentioned about changing my air bnb status - removing “married” . Have also been updating re pension info and I think it is the finality of changing official records that is difficult even though day to day I am getting on with things .
I also felt a bit pathetic and weepy after having a minor injury at home . DC didn’t show any sympathy and it dawned on me again - that it is really just me when things go wrong as not a great support network close by . I do feel lonely and when speaking to relatives , they do say - oh you have you have got me . But then I don’t hear much from them and it is usually he who phones or texts .

Hello @Candlesburn , I haven’t posted on this thread for a very long time, although I was involved in this one, and the one directly before it, from the start.

Your post popped up and I wanted to acknowledge it. Sorry you’re having a hard time. All those little & large things can have a big impact along the way, and I can relate to a lot of what you’re feeling.

I’m actually a couple of years down the line, but I still feel very stuck in wishing things had turned out differently. I can’t say I’m at all happy in where I find myself, even though in some ways I’m in a better situation than many - no kids, I have a nice flat, no mortgage, my own little business. BUT I miss my married life hugely, and unfortunately nothing and no one seems to fill that void. I have a few friends, but of course they all have their own lives & challenges, and I’m not someone who mixes easily. I’ve learnt as I’ve got older that I’m very much a one on one person rather than a group person. I’ve always been someone who has been good in their own company, but to my horror, I now feel very lonely and alone. And that’s despite the last few years of my marriage not being good.

Like your situation and SO many others, there was of course someone else. They have now bought a place together, after XH sold what had been our marital home - discovering that at the end of last year set me back several steps.

“Again it is not that the marriage necessarily broke down, but how it broke down, his coldness , emotionally detaching for OW etc”

This line of yours really resonated, exactly how things panned out for me too, and that led to the most traumatic year of my life. That coldness, detachment, and ease of moving on for them, is unbearable.

It’s more tricky when there are children involved as that results in prolonged contact, I could at least cut the contact knowing it was the right thing to do.

I hope you are able to gradually pull some strength for yourself, and although I don’t have too many positive words of wisdom at the moment, hopefully someone will come along and post something uplifting for you 🙏 It is a really hard journey, some are shorter and some are longer, and it can make a big difference in what ‘replaces’ your life with your husband in terms of support and friends. I have found that my life now feels very small, and very empty.

I often think it’s a shame we can’t all get together for a huge support network, all being in the same boat!

But sending you lots of best wishes, and a virtual hug! 💐

@Candlesburn sorry it's tough for you. It's annoyingly not linear, is it? I keep flipping between delight I will soon be free of ex, anger about what he's done to DC, fear of a solo future, and bored of how long it's taking me to get to the other side.

I'm assuming all that is normal. Everything we thought was going to happen has to be rethought. All redecided. And while that is incredibly liberating - we can reinvent ourselves however we want and be the best sort of us we can free of the compromises of a relationship with someone who was only pretending to want to be with us - it's also very tiring and hard and full of responsibility.

And the little tedious admin things can catch you by suprise - for me it was work emergency contact. I have no idea who to put, so I just left it as STBEX.

Struggling a bit this week. I've had an offer accepted on a new place so that's exciting/full of admin, and STBEX is being cooperative but is making noises about introducing his new gf and her kids to DS. Feels like a bad idea given DS has been struggling with the reality he's going to have to have 2 places to live in the near future. But it's the reality of STBEX's choices and new life without me. I'm feeling the rejection and trauma all over again :(

I’m sorry you are facing this, I am absolutely dreading it when the time comes. How are they even in another relationship?? I cant imagine being with anyone for a long time. I know it’s because they disassociated long before they told us but to dive into acting the same way with another person is just hard to accept or understand. My mum had a bit of a go at me today telling me I shouldn’t even be thinking about him as he has been so cruel to me and because it’s 14months since he ended the marriage. She can’t seem to grasp that it’s the hurt from the rejection, that he disliked life with me so much he’d rather see less of his son, the fact that he was not the person I thought he was. It’s not about losing him, I am starting to see what an awful person he was. It’s all such an assault on our sense of reality. I still can’t believe it’s happened.

Thanks @GutlessFury . Yes, the disbelief is hard to deal with, especially after a long relationship. The cognitive dissonance that one day you are in a relationship with them for the foreseeable, discussing retirement plans even, then the next day it's all over and they are seeing someone else. I'm sorry your mum can't empathise. But it's truly a mindfuck.

Feel like I'm still reeling from that body blow nearly a year on. Can't believe I'm back to crying. While STBEX is very bloody pleased with himself. Feels so unfair! I don't want to be consumed by anger and at the same time kinda want him to fucking suffer. Onwards to indifference I guess, which will be soooooo much easier when I don't have to live here any more.

@PancakesForElephants I cried pretty much every day up until about 3 weeks ago, I was in absolute despair but I’ve gone absolutely mental exercising which is probably not doing my physical health any good but the mental relief I’ve had is much needed. It’s dialled the pain down massively and I’m seeing my muscles develop again which makes me feel something good about myself. It is unfair, horribly unfair, I just don’t know how people do this to their spouses and their children and sleep at night. It must be very strange transitioning from living with a long term partner to acting in all the same ways with someone else, what a weird person you’d have to be to be able to switch like that. I think my ex is mentally ill in some way.

I'm only a few weeks in and in limbo land for various reasons.

I can understand you wanting to wipe the smug smile off of his face! But Karma's a bitch and they'll be a day when it'll strike big time and you'll be the one grinning.
The best revenge they say is you being happy. Plus anger only gives you lines....

Hope it's not too long before you're where you need to be. x

I hope all you lovely ladies are doing ok . Has been really busy recently so I haven’t posted for a while .
I am now past the year mark and I am aiming for indifference in my encounters with Ex . As we have DC I still require to see him .

I am still finding myself having a little cry from time to time . But that is when something triggers me .

I am still really p*ed off that Ex is having a great life with his girlfriend and that I am left to deal with the bulk of the childcare / practical stuff .

But I can’t change that, and as I have said before I am just so over wasting any emotional energy on him . So I am trying not to dwell - not always successful though .

I am just trying to be more sociable , as I am finding I am quite lonely . DC of an age they don’t want to chat / spend a lot of time with me .

I was pretty rubbish for years with my social life , focussing on the DC and probably a bit depressed so didn't make much of an effort with my friends .
I find it isn’t that easy to make new friends now . So I have been reaching out to old friends , one had already contacted me and I have contacted a few others . Just sending a quick text / WhatsApp , letting them know briefly that I have separated ( messily ) and if they wanted to have a catch up , but appreciated they may be too busy . This would give them a get out .

Sounds a bit pathetic, but until recently I didn’t feel up to reaching out to old friends , as was worried about being rejected and didn’t feel I could face another rejection .Now I think I would still be sad if I was rejected, but I also accept that people have so much going on in their lives that it wouldn’t be personal . Nothing ventured , nothing gained .

So far I have had positive responses . I don’t expect old friends to become instant best friends but I think it helps to get out from time to time .

I would love to have a best friend locally that I could meet up with regularly . But I don’t have that and I miss the companionship of someone being there . Not that ex was much of a companion in the last few years as he was too busy focussing on his own social life and latterly on the OW .

I am also getting out walking more and enjoying the fresh air and exercise . Hoping to get fitter / lose some weight as well .

I also joined the ramblers association , they do longer walks . But I am finding my ankle is playing up a bit and I don’t think I could manage longer walks at the moment .

I don’t know if I am unique , but I find that I am the only one of my friends who is on their own . So I still feel a bit pathetic about this , as I was probably one of the last ones to settle down . Just feel I am back being the single one again . The world still seems to be full of couples and I know that when I was in a couple I was complacent and just took it for granted that I had an automatic social life .

That ‘s my ramblings over for the day . Hope you are all making some positive steps . Although there will still be some setbacks from time to time .

Take care .

@Candlesburn reaching out to old friends is a great idea. One big upside of my separation shit show is how wonderful people can be. I really feel blessed with my friends. A few mutual friends have cut me dead but hey ho. But I know what you mean about automatic social life - I've found people are v happy to do stuff with me if I ask! It's totally fine to wave the lonely flag. And a couple of people have just offered to be there if I need it, just to escape this stbex filled house.

New place has stalled a bit with legal/survey niggles. I find it hard because I don't have anyone to really talk to about it, my friends do help but ultimately the decisions are all on me. And if I decide to try to negotiate a lower price and it fails, the choice is pay over the odds for a place with niggles or stay in this stupid place with stupid STBEX or rent. I can't even find anywhere nice to rent! But obvs first world problems, I realise I'm v fortunate to have choices and independent money. A good friend of mine's STBEX is being an absolute tool to her and making their divorce difficult (her instigation) even though they've been in separate bedrooms for years and years. Sooooo glad I didn't get married, not that either of us wanted to.

DC had a birthday and it got me reflecting about how unhelpful STBEX was in the v early days and I had a go at him, breaking my attempts at indifference. I don't want to be angry forever and I know regret is not helpful but I think in future if I have another relationship I need to pay more attention to signals that the person I'm with doesn't really value me v much. And value myself more. And just stay away from STBEX. So either buy the not great place or rent.

Hi @PancakesForElephants , thanks for the reply . I am glad that you have good friends about . I am sure if you asked one of them would be happy to spare 1/2 an hour for you to run through the pros and cons of a potential new buy .
I do get that feeling of being on your own and not having a default person to discuss things with . I do however remind myself that my ex wasn’t great at listening even from the start of our relationship with any of my problems . But obviously if there was joint decisions , it wasn’t just me making them .

I think when we are making any big life decision and one where there is a lot of money at stake , most people will be worried about what they are doing and if they are they going to be worse off financially if they do / don’t do it .

The only thing is to write it down - pros and cons - but not everything on the list is equal though … I am not sure if it is impacting where you live but currently some of the landlords are selling up because the tenants are getting better protections . I think there is a lot to be said for having the peace of mind of owning your own property , although there are obvious downsides about cost of repairs when you can’t just phone the landlord to pay .

Where I live the property prices have dropped rather than risen but I take the view that if you are buying and selling in the same market you should hopefully be ok .

I always try and think of clothes purchase etc as cost per wear and although not exactly comparable you can try and think of the costs in the longer term for a house purchase, especially if property prices are rising or at least stable where you are . Rental payments are lost payments but I do appreciate as you have said , that not everyone is in the privileged position to buy .
Can you put in a revised offer of what you feel comfortable with and take into account expected repairs etc . What is the property market like , is there much available ? As we are getting into spring more properties will hopefully becoming on to the market .
whatever you do - good luck !

I’m sorry to interrupt this last post, but i really desperate, can anyone please tell me things get easier? I’m 15 months on and I’ve spent the whole weekend in tears, I feel completely and utterly broken, I’m only here because I have my son, if I didn’t have him I think I wouldn’t be able to carry on. My husband ended the marriage suddenly in Jan 24, I suspect for OW but spent 8 months post bomb drop expressing his doubts, even emailing me he couldn’t cope without me a month after I’d moved out of the family home, I supported him when he should have been supporting me through his decision. He then went on to have a hair transplant while days later I had bowel surgery and now have a stoma. He’s been
awful to me but I am just completely devastated and I can’t believe what my life now is. Please can anyone tell me there is light?

Hello all, it's been a long time since I've been on this thread but I hope everyone is continuing to find their way through the emotional rollercoaster. @Candlesburn I also struggled with rebuilding a social life for the first year, and I joined Ramblers too! I enjoyed it and the walking was definitely good for me but found the group demographic was overwhelmingly older people (70+) who wanted to talk about their children and grandchildren and that started to put me off going. I did find another walking group on Meetup that had a younger crowd. It all just takes time, and going along to things repeatedly.

@PancakesForElephants the house decision making does sound stressful, it's hard to make these decisions alone. I chose to rent for the short-term and that has been a good decision in lots of ways but I am always aware that I can't afford to pay rent rather than pay down equity as if I leave it much longer to get a mortgage I won't have time to pay it off before retirement. There are lots of factors to consider. I'm sure one of your friends would be happy to be a sounding board for an hour while you talk over the pros and cons (unless you feel uncomfortable talking finances with a friend, in which case you could probably do the same thing with a counsellor maybe?)

I've been doing well for the past few months and overall feel like I have successfully transitioned into my new life. I don't think about my ex or past married life very much at all, oddly, while at the same time there have been lots of positive things in my new life. In a very unexpected development, I've even started seeing someone! We've been seeing each other for around three months and it's been lovely in lots of ways, though I'm not sure where it will go in the long-term. I'm still very burned by the divorce and not sure how ready I am for a proper relationship though I really enjoy his company and it's been nice to connect with someone again. It's also made me realise how little I was settling for in my marriage, and how different life might have been if I'd chosen differently 20 years ago :(

The divorce has been really hard, and I definitely made some stupid decisions (mostly in being far too accommodating around finances). I also still struggle a bit with fear of the future. But there is very little that I truly miss about my marriage or my old life and overall I am so much happier now than I was then. Divorce was 100% the right decision for me, even though it's been hard to get here.

Hi @GutlessFury - I have a similar timeline as you in terms of splitting up but a different situation (exH was and still is awful to me though, we have that in common). What has helped me is seeing a therapist online once a week. I appreciate that this costs money and may not be an option but if it is within reach I really recommend it. There are also good podcasts out there. Can you do one thing a day that brings you joy - can be small like a walk in the park or a nice cup of tea, but something that makes you feel calm and in the moment. Things do get better, and you deserve to be free from someone who makes you feel bad.

@LoisLanyard thank you for the reply, yes I do loads of stuff, volunteer, boxing classes, see friends loads for walks and chats (often not about my situation) but nothing helps, I just can’t see anyway through my this :-(

@GutlessFury sorry it's tough for you. Despite my complaining, I'm mostly out the other side and happy I don't have to spend the rest of my days with STBEX. Counselling really helped me. Reframing our relationship to no longer romanticise it helped. Realising that I'd repeated some previous patterns with him and I was also not happy. Also focusing on the ick. Reading the chump lady blog. Remembering that the feelings of loss and trauma and rejection are just feelings, and they will pass. Take care of yourself. Prioritise yourself.

Hi @GutlessFury but you are getting through this, you’ve managed 15 long months and that’s amazing! I’m nearly 24 months in and I still get very sad and angry, but I’m totally fine with that, it’s a massive adjustment and of course we are meant to have these feelings. But slowly the good will outweigh the bad. You have your lovely son and what sounds like a good life. Hang on in there my love xx

@GutlessFury, Sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time . Be kind to yourself, it can take a few years to get over a long relationship and unfortunately when you also have children , your lives still remain entwined to an extent .

Don’t beat yourself up - be kind to yourself . The suddenness of your H’s decision to end your marriage must have been really difficult . It was for me , although different for me , as I found out about an OW .

They can be so callous and cruel because they have already moved on by the time you find out / are told .

But please do not let this define you . I know it is difficult but you have your son and you have to try and find some happiness for you . It seems like you have a good social life , with friends and activities . I know that still doesn’t make up for the loneliness of not having a partner .

it is also understandable to feel vulnerable after having surgery when you are on your own . I know not the same, but when I have had a few minor injuries post separation and it does hit you that you don’t have a partner there to help .
It seems like your ex was not a great catch ( at least latterly ) . So you must get to the point when you realise that it is better being on your own ,
than in a rubbish relationship .
I think you may need to seek out extra support to try and reach that point . That could be through your GP and discuss if SSRs / anti depressants would be suitable for you . I like others have also had some counselling which was free to me through work . If that is outwith your budget , as others have said there are lots of podcasts , etc .

I think it is also understandable that certain times of the year , events can trigger us and we feel that we haven’t really moved on . We are just human with feelings so this will still happen .I don’t feel after a year I have completely moved on , but I do know I have made progress and I want to move on .
This weekend was one of those weekends that was hard for me , as I know ex was away with his new girlfriend ( not the OW ) and he was doing an activity which I would have loved to do . I don’t want to be with ex , but I also don’t want him to be happy either ! Childish I know but hopefully understandable . Mad I know but although I have known about this girlfriend for some time , it was more difficult because I knew what he was doing . Haven’t watched it for years but
thought of the film Indecent Proposal !

Think of all the positive steps you have made post separation and take care .

@PancakesForElephants @CherryPieface @Candlesburn @LoisLanyard Thank you all so much for replying, it makes me cry that strangers can be so kind to reach out. I’m sorry for all the pain you are going through too and that you’ve all been treated so badly. I’m going to re-read your messages again in the morning to start the day with a more positive outlook. Xxx

@harlemriver , that is great that you are doing so well and have moved on .
Yes I suspect when my ankle enables me to go to ramblers meetings that it will be over 70s and not being retired I may not have anything in common .

Again I think hindsight is a great thing . It is so easy to look back and think of different decisions we would have made . I certainly would have with my career .

But we did the best we could at the time with what we knew and we often prioritised our relationship / kids if we had them . We didn’t think that we would be one of those that divorced / separated . That of course happens to other people and not us !
Again we can’t beat ourselves up , we did the best we could and life is so busy just ” being “ that it is difficult to think long term / what might happen if X / Y happens .

I wish you all the best for your new relationship . Even , if it doesn’t prove to be a long term one, it at least gives you a lovely ego boost . I think we all need to remind ourselves that we don’t need a relationship and should only be in one that enhances our life and brings us happiness .

When I am out for my walks, I do allow myself the odd daydream that I could meet a lovely kind man with a dog . But not sure if I want the dog more than a man !!!

@Candlesburn "I don’t want to be with ex, but I also don’t want him to be happy either". Exactly this. I know it's not healthy to feel like this long term, but that's exactly where I am at the moment. Stupid smug twerp. Also annoyed with myself for compromising too much for what in hindsight wasn't a great relationship.

I'm sorry you had a crap weekend. Onwards and upwards away from the twerps. Xxx

Hi
I saw your post, @GutlessFury, and didn’t want to read and run. I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. You’re 15 months in and you will get there. Do you keep a diary? I have one of those five year few lines a day diaries and they help to look back at crap behaviour from ex”D”P, make me note down good days, and I can then look back at my bad days and see how far I have come. Just might help you a little. I’m so sorry you’re struggling and please hang on in there.

I’m only a few months out since the rug was pulled out from under my feet and am waiting to hear back re: a financial settlement. I’m feeling very anxious. My ex has turned into an utter bastard. You’d think I’d had an affair or something, the way he’s treated me.

On a side note, I always thought “STBXH” stood for “stupid bastard ex husband”! I know what it means now but I still think I prefer my version!

Exactly that, he communicates with me like I’m the one who had the affair and left, he has an arsey/indignant/arrogant tone even though he knows he’s completely destroyed me not necessarily in ended the marriage but how he used me afterwards. It’s completely effed up what he did. I understand your anxiety, still working through the financial settlement and the thought of it makes me feel sick. Good luck xx

I have just read your message and I have just linked up with mumsnet . I am so sad you are going through all this . Would you believe it , I have done the opposite , leaving my husband after close to 40 years of marriage . Nobody else involved but I could not cope any longer with his constant criticism ( I know I am far from perfect but I tend to be positive and it killed me ) . I left close to a year ago , going through the divorce but have met a nice man . But I thought I should let you know that life is not easy on either side of the fence . My adult children are very cross with me and I suffer greatly too . I cry a great deal .
Big hugs !
x

Hi @Beargirl no judgement here, my anger and depression is largely to do with how my STBX conducted himself after he ended the marriage and the fact I’m pretty certain he’s concealed and denied that someone else was involved. You’ve made a very hard decision especially after 40 years, and that you are upset despite being the leaver shows you have integrity and you care.