A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

No he left December 2023 - I have to leave . I have no visa without him and I cannot afford schools for the children. He's clearly made it so myself and the kids are gone and planned to intro his 'new' girlfriend when I was out the picture

I'm not in a good place. Almost 3 weeks since I caught him cheating. 27 years and valentines was hard. It's silly but we always celebrated. He gave me my 1st ever card when we were 18. I suspect he has also given me my last.
He's still with her. The pain of him lying cheating is unbearable. The pain of him not giving a shit ans planning birthday drinks on the day we had booked a hotel room for us is also painful. I really thought I'd turned a corner a few days ago and now I'm back to square 1.

@bambara
That sounds very difficult for you .
I do think it is like a game of snakes and ladders this separation malarkey . We think we are making progress , then boom something comes along and you are back down again .

Again , don't beat yourself up that you are rightly impacted by this as even though you had already separated , this is a further betrayal for you. I do think we feel a bit stupid and helpless in any betrayal , how could we have been so stupid , why didn't we click . The reality is that when we have kids and a busy life we are wrapped up in the day to day getting by that we don't have the time and energy to pick up all the clues .

Your ex has treated you and your kids deplorably . He is a selfish arse and he has obviously prioritised his relationship with the OW over you and the kids . He may have kidded himself that he was concealing this relationship to protect you and the kids , but ultimately he was doing what he could to protect himself and his new relationship .

I am really sorry for all of us who have to walk that path . I know not much of a consolation , but you and others are not alone as there are lots of strong , wonderful and kind women here and in real life who are walking alongside you .

We are the women who are totally thrown by the hurt and devastation that our exes have caused to us and our children. That is because we would never have treated them that way and we cannot fathom the double life and cheating .

How can they do this . There is cognitive dissonance and compartmentalising involved . They have to frame it in their mind that they aren't the baddie in the relationship but you are . You and others by getting on with the bulk of the childcare , running the home haven't prioritised them . They are often the sole or main breadwinner and accordingly they see that they deserve to be rewarded .

Your ex will also have detached himself from you and potentially the kids some time before the break up from you . He and many others haven't done the honourable thing by being honest at the point when he developed and hadn't acted on the feelings for the OW . He didn't come to you and say this is the situation , what can we do to save the marriage or if he had decided that he wanted to leave , leave before he had caused all the hurt and got involved with the OW and work hard to do what was best for you and the kids . Have an amicable separation . No - they instead have the two lives running in parallel , they don't want to throw everything away , as want as someone else said to have their cake and eat it .

By doing this , this makes it very difficult when we find out . As everything seems tainted by this betrayal , if they can do this then , what else have they done and when ?

I do find it grimly ironic that many men push the domestic load onto women, and then when they don't get enough attention from said woman because, you know, domestic load with a side order of resentment at said load, they get attention from a different woman who is presumably currently domestic load free but will shortly discover the exciting pact she's signed up for.

I think society training women from an early age to be people pleasers is terribly terribly destructive for themselves, but good for society because of all the free enabling they provide.

I don't have any answers other than suggest women become more selfish and prioritise their own health, wellbeing and finances with an eye on "what if he leaves me", because the "prize" of a relationship with a selfish man child turns out to not be such a prize after all and the compromises required are too much.

@bambara
Thought it better to do two posts as the last one got a bit long .
I don't know if you are in an ex Pat community . Is there anyone you know who has also been through a separation / divorce that you can speak to .Get a recommendation from for a solicitor ?
I do think it would help if you haven't already done so to get some urgent legal advice . Are there any big legal firms near to you who would advise on the international aspects here ?
I would double and triple check everything before you look into uprooting you and your children . Has your ex got a new job ? How are you being supported financially where you are ?

What about the children can you legally remove them from the country you are in . Does your ex need to agree to this ?

I think if you do come back to the UK , it may well be virtually impossible to get any form of child maintenance from your ex . If there is a jointly owned house and other assets , that you could get your share of , if you move away he may drag on things and you would find it more difficult to get things moving if you are no longer based there .
If your ex does want you ( and sadly the kids ) out of sight , he may agree to a better financial settlement for you to get you out of the way .

I do think that we also need to try and encourage and help with contact between our exes and our kids . Sometimes I feel personally that I am putting in 98 per cent effort for this and they are putting in the 2per cent .
But , I am not doing that for my ex but for my children .

Unless there is any kind of abusive behaviour involved it is generally better for the kids to have some kind of relationship with their father .
I think as they mature they will probably realise that their father isn't a brilliant one . But is some ways that is better than if they have no relationship and they feel rejected and this impacts on their self esteem .

If he is putting in minimal effort currently when you are in the same place he will probably not make much effort to visit to see the kids , unless he / you and the family did regularly travel back to the UK to see extended family .Face time etc can be used but it won't completely replace face to face contact .

I think it might also help you to post on the legal and or relationships parts of the site with your own thread to see if anyone has / or knows a family member that has gone through divorce / separation in the country you are in . You may not get much , if any response , but it is worth a shot . You can name change if you don't want it linked to this thread .Do make sure that just before you post that you are posting under the changed name . Don't put in too much identifying details either , if you think there may be potentially be people in the UK who may recognise you .

If you do ultimately decide to come back to the UK . Do you have family / friends here and in particular any support that they can provide you ? Are you likely to be able to buy somewhere for you and your children to live ?

Look after yourself and lean on any support you have from friends where you are . Although it might seem better to uproot as quickly as you can , I do think you have to think of the slightly longer term of what is best for you and your kids .

Hi Sugarplumb ,
Be kind to yourself . 3 weeks is no time at all . You will be making progress but there is a lot to deal with and there will be further knocks you will experience ahead .

I think holidays / celebrations like Christmas & Valentines are hard . There is so much commercialisation of family holidays . Sadly we are in broken families and that is never what we intended for our children .
Valentines - this was my first post separation too . I dreaded it but didn't find it do bad on the day . But I am much further along than you . I was getting bombarded with ads from Moonpig etc and it felt like every time I switched on the tv the m&s ad appeared for valentines .

So if you are only weeks into your separation , that will be hard . Do you have any support in real life , who have you told? I think you need to get as much support as you can , friends , family , counselling if you can access it .

This is a really difficult time and one of life's big challenges . So everything you are feeling is normal and because you and your ex were together so long and have a family , there will be lots of triggers for you going forward . You are in pain and suffering because you have experienced a traumatic event which not only impacts you but your children too .

You just have to ride those emotions and take it day by day .

Your post so resonated with me too as I am at a similar life stage to you
and also your later post about patriarchy etc .

I do worry for our daughters / nieces / girls growing up now . It does feel that we as women have made lots of progress in equality over the last 100 years , but then a lot of us are finding ourselves in a precarious position post separation financially and are also meeting the bulk of the childcare .

Hindsight is a great thing and we may have made different choices in life had we known of the pain of separation / betrayal . Or would we - because I certainly didn't think my ex was the type to cheat - but he did .

We can try and equip our female relatives going forward to try and keep their career going and to take shared maternity / paternity leave .

I appreciate that I am generalising and thankfully not everyone will be in the same position .

But we can't escape the biology , women give birth , breast feed if they are able and are ( not exclusively) more nurturing . I agree that society has put us in this role and we are brought up to people please and consider others .

I was always the default parent throughout and whilst I did find this frustrating latterly , I did enjoy it when the children were smaller .

The bottom line also comes down to finances , my ex's job - even though we were equally qualified paid much more . So it always made sense that I took the longer maternity leaves / worked part - time .

So whilst we could have done things to mitigate our financial / career vulnerability during the relationship I don't think we can always completely do so .

We can try and make the younger generation aware of protecting themselves financially in a relationship , but there is still that belief that it won't happen to me .

Hi everyone. Just catching up on quite a lot of posts. I hope everyone is okay after valentines day. I had cards and flowers from my children which was so lovely.

@bambara I'm sending lots of love. Everytime i read a post from someone in this group I get enraged. What i would say is, you mentioned that you may have been at fault for some relationships issues. No one is perfect, you are human and I'm sure you made mistakes. But men who end marriages and relationships always spin the narrative that their marriage was years of grinding misery and their wives are controlling, or miserable... its their way of justifying their behaviour, sometimes they even believe their own lies. So please don't let him gaslight you into believing things that aren't true, or shouldering guilt.
My STBXDH was keen to tell people that I was terrible with me, which is laughable.

I never really considered myself much of a feminist but my goodness single motherhood has opened my eyes. Men can walk away with no consequences and its acceptable. Mothers are left the pick up the pieces from men destroying families. It sucks.
DH is off for a romantic weekend away with the OW. I spent last night sharing a bed with a 5yo with ear ache. I wouldn't have it any other way tbh, but the bitterness of his carefree life grates sometimes.
Lots of love to everyone xxx

Thank you. I keep reading about the grief cycle and I seem to be back in the bargaining part. Wanting him back making excuses for him etc but ultimately he said post being caught je was happy and wanted to leave but didn't know how..so he thought he'd cheat instead. I just wish I could move on quicker.

Hi all. I've posted on this thread a couple of times since last June. My exDH and I have been separated almost a year now.

I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult situations people are in - my heart goes out to you all.

I honestly thought that almost a year down the line I would be feeling much better - but it's like I'm feeling worse. I feel deeply depressed about everything. My exDH and I separated last March. There was no OW, but he seemed to really change with me over the last few years of our marriage. He'd always struggled with his mental health, but it got worse, and he became so angry, critical and contemptuous of me. I was a nervous wreck living with him, and heartbroken that he didn't love me any more.

Now we are separated, I have the dc more during term time and we share the school holidays. At the beginning I enjoyed having some time to myself when they were at his - I think I was so exhausted and burnt out from everything that I just used that time to sleep, or let out my emotions, not having to hold anything back as the dc weren't here. But now when the dc are at his I feel so heartbroken and lost.

I have no idea how to move forward. It feels like I only have my family unit for half the time and who am I supposed to be, what am I supposed to do when I'm on my own? I went to my ex's yesterday when the dc were there as I had to drop something off. I could tell that the dc felt a bit awkward that I was there, and I felt so sad, like I was a spare part. My ex and the dc have private jokes together etc. I am very grateful that he is a committed dad to them, as I know a lot of people are struggling with their ex not doing enough, or any childcare. I guess it just shows that with any separation, it won't be an easy situation.

I know that I should engage more with friends and family when my dc are at his, but if anything I have been avoiding meeting up with friends, I just don't know why. I don't want to meet up with friends and family who are talking about their spouse and what they have all done together as a family. It feels like I'm in a totally different world now.

Sorry if this post seems like a self indulgent rant. I know the situation isn't as bad as it could be. Hopefully things will get easier in time - for all of us, whatever our situation.

I'm still in shock by his bad behaviour. The way he has changed so dramatically i can't get my head around. I never thought he'd do that to me. He's ruined the whole 27 years together.

@Bluebreeze , I am at a similar stage to you . My marriage broke down to infidelity on ex's part and contact has been difficult .

I think whilst some of us are in similar situations , I do think a lot of people posting here have been impacted by infidelity , which doesn't seem to be the case for your relationship breakdown .
But a lot of the emotions that you are experiencing are exactly the same , as your relationship broke down because of the your ex's poor behaviour and was not amicable . It was still not the situation where you have a deep conversation about how to fix the relationship at an earlier stage , whether that involved splitting or not - but most importantly putting the children first .

I do think and this is borne out by tons of research that for your children's self esteem and sense of worth , that it is better for them to maintain healthy loving relationships with both parents . That will obviously not apply , when there are abusive situations .

So I do think you have to accept and encourage these relationships for your children . It may be that currently they have perhaps similar interests to your ex and you can feel a bit left out & that to this extent they favour your ex . As they grow and mature your children will hopefully fully appreciate the stability and love that you provided them both when you and your ex were together and after .They can also make their own choices in the future when grown , about how much time they want to spend with your ex . You and I and a lot of others are also the parent who is left with the bulk of the day to day childcare and therefore won't always have the energy / time to be a " fun " parent . I note that your ex is sharing the holidays , so I would try and use that time to recharge .

I do think if we stand in the way ( I am not saying you are ) of this relationship between your ex and the kids , the kids may well resent and blame you and you almost strengthen their bond .

That is not to say that it is easy , but I think you and I and others have to accept that though this is not what we would have chosen for our children , that is now our reality and we need to get on with it .

Have you had any counselling ? I had some sessions which greatly helped me , but to be honest if finances permitted I would probably benefit from more . I also think that sleeping / getting fresh air also impacts on my mental health too .

It can take several years to get over a non amicable relationship breakdown , especially with children involved . There are ups and downs along the way , we make some progress then something else happens and it feels like we are back at square one .

I think it is difficult when we compare ourselves to others . I totally empathise with this , it seems like everyone else is coupled up and playing happy families . At various times e. g Christmas it feels like this is shoved down our throats . But you know that not all these families will be happy all of the time or even most of the time . I know that for myself , I didn't confide in others about the state of my marriage and I have subsequently spoken to others who are also struggling with poor behaviour on the part of their current partner / spouse .

You and I and many others either had to make the "choice " or other people where the choice was taken for them - to end the relationship . For those that chose , we didn't just do so on a whim - we did so because it was intolerable / unbearable to continue to be in the relationship . It would also not be healthy for our kids to continue to live in that family environment .

I do think keeping busy and being more sociable are good distractions for us all . I have tried to be more sociable and have made myself get out more . I still do not have a strong and geographically close support network .

But even so , I am still alone with my thoughts a lot of the time and will dwell on the separation / worries for me & my children more than is healthy . I am considering contacting my Gp re anti depressants for this . I have always been resistant to this until now . Although I know my issues are to do with my " situation " I have spoken to someone about this where when her spouse was experiencing dwelling unhealthily on one issue ( work not separation ) that they helped . I do appreciate that there may well be other side effects that will outweigh this benefit .

I also do not want to be that person who is stuck at this stage and continues to be bitter and twisted about the relationship breakdown for ever . I read on here , another thread ? about someone meeting a woman who was still fixated and dwelling on a relationship breakdown . She was shocked to discover that the breakdown had happened decades before .

I do not want to give my ex the power to impact my future happiness as well .

@Candlesburn Thank you for your post. Yes definitely, whatever my feelings, I do try to encourage a healthy relationship between my dc and my ex. That's the best thing for my dc, and I'm glad that my ex is a loving dad to them. It's just that I've been feeling so lost when I'm on my own - I would never show that to the dc though, and I'm always happy for them if/ when they've enjoyed being with my ex. That's a good idea to see the time they're with my ex as a time to recharge.

Yes I am currently having counselling, which has been going well. It's with someone who specialises in attachment theory - apparently I have an anxious attachment style, which may be partly why I'm finding it so hard to get over the break up.

I do need to get out more and build up my social network, but I'm just feeling so low at the moment. I have also considered anti depressants, maybe they would help.

Can I join you even if I don't know how things are going to pan out? Dh and I have been together for almost 20 years and it is a "big love", we're truly best friends and soul mates and generally have such a good time together. We have had our struggles with health related things over the years but always felt we were a stronger team as a result. He had a health issue around 2 years ago that knocked him for six, and his mental health took a nosedive. Like he was bad. I had to speak to the crisis team a number of times and literally feed him because otherwise he would waste away. He was very ill but gradually started to function again.

He has been very distant with me and our child for the past year-ish, and I've just tried to give him space, listen to his worries, make sure he eats and keep his sack empty (lol sorry for the TMI). I can see he's really struggling and he was promoted about 6 months ago so he's been working 14 hour days and it's been a bit mad. I was hoping there would be light at the end of the tunnel as the huge work project should come to an end soon, but about a week ago he dropped a bombshell and says he needs to go elsewhere to sort his head out. I don't know how to cope with it at all.

He's my best and only true friend and it was always us against the world. He's gone to a hotel and spending some time with his parents too, but I'm really really struggling to keep it together for our child as if nothing has happened. I feel utterly broken as I always thought the agreement was for us to stay together forever. 😭

I know there is no OW (90% sure anyway) and he is genuinely really struggling with his mental health. I feel like we might be able to fix this if he sorts his head out but he's in quite deep. I need to start planning for the worst because I feel I can't fully trust him after this, in case he has another breakdown in the future and we're in the same situation again.

The whole thing is so fucked. I gave up work when DC was small so he could focus on work. I've been working on my side hustle for 5 years and earning a bit on the side but obviously haven't been paying into any pension because the plan was for DH to support us. I turned 40 yesterday and it was such a sad day even though DC made me a lovely card. I just don't know what to do.

Posting here to get it out!

Been here for ages, exh left me last Christmas for someone 16 years younger.

I've been so strict with myself to focus on my own healing, not looking at their socials etc. Got wind tonight she has an open Instagram and I stupidly looked. She's young, thin, earnest - I'm a cynical old bastard who could stand to lose a few pounds.

Really annoyed I looked. I've been great for the past couple of months and really felt like I was getting on with life.

@CleanShirt that sounds hard. Even if you recognise exes as the weasely twats they are, rejection still hurts. But remember she is young, thin, earnest and saddled with a much older lying weasly twat, who is probably currently pretending to be a real person but who won't be able to maintain the non twatness for long. Xx

@AuntyAgony sorry you're going through this too. I think it's time for you to prioritise yourself: put your oxygen mask on first. Sounds like he's consumed a lot of your time and energy and it's time to put some resilience in place for whatever outcome. Unfortunately "together forever" isn't guaranteed. Doesn't sound like you relationship was giving you much recently, so can you refocus on you? What do you want? What makes you feel good? What do you need to get through this, instead of worrying about him and sacrificing yourself who can't or won't reciprocate? Fortunately since you are married and worst case divorce happens, his pension will form part of the marital assets to be considered.

Focus on establishing your current position and thinking what you can put in place to stabilise things in case he doesn't return.

Unfortunately there may well be another woman and he's just being weaselly about getting out of your relationship. You're also allowed to say the relationship as is isn't working for you and think through the practical steps of what you want to happen next. Take care!

Thanks @PancakesForElephants , I'm really trying to remember that! He's the most emotionally blunted man on earth and I have to keep reminding myself of the fact I very rarely felt comforted by him.

@CleanShirt Were we with the same man?? I thought mine was the most emotionally stunted man on earth!

So sorry @AuntyAgony That sounds really tough. You’ll be in limbo while he sorts his head out. It sounds like he needs some space but hopefully will come back when he sorts himself out. It sounds like you’ve been an incredibly supportive partner to him. I hope he appreciates that while he’s off thinking everything through.

@CleanShirt @Notahandmaid snap! My ex is Captain Emotionally Stunted with a side order of Absolutely No Empathy 🤔🙄😜

Thanks guys. Have had a few days to think. Hasn't helped that gp told me to double my sertraline which has completely messed me up and husband has had to visit to look after me. He's been very kind and we've had some discussions and I'm fairly sure there is no OW. He's just messed up from all the crap that we've gone through over the years. He said he is desperate and has to try everything or otherwise he will kill himself. I know he's not kidding and I want him alive so he needs the space and time.

He said he will continue to support us and once we're more settled he'll visit. He says he doesn't know what the future holds and that maybe we'll still be together, but we will always be best friends. I don't know how to feel but I feel slightly comforted that he wants to still hang out with me and be in touch. I feel the love is still there and the attraction has always been there, so maybe things can be repaired? Must remain realistic though because apparently most trials end up in a divorce.

Hello everyone, I’ve been lurking and only occasionally posting in this thread but it is a life saver - to know that others are going through similar things to me (would of course be better if they were nice things!). I am just in the final stages of the divorce and my nearly exH still lives with me and the teenage kids. He will be moving out soon. He has started dating (I am ok about this) but he now seems to have met some serious and is hinting about his “friend” to the kids. It’s odd. I don’t know how I feel - it seems wrong that he is still at home and I’m doing most of the chores whilst he goes on long dates with this person. He hasn’t told me anything about her just that he is meeting his “new friend” again, but he just disappears for hours, knowing that I will sort dinner and the kids. It also feels very wrong that he would tell the kids in such a hidden and indirect way. Is this weird or am I being overly sensitive?

Hi , bit hectic so haven't posted recently . No I definitely married the most emotionally stunted man ever . I win !!! Unless it is the same person leading a triple / quadruple life .

@LoisLanyard - you are definitely not being over sensitive and your ex is taking the piss !

He is obviously so caught up in his luuurve life that he isn't really thinking about the kids or you . It is inappropriate for him to be so blatant about it . I think you said your kids were teenagers - they really will not want to know anything about this . I think you should have a word with him and ask him to be more discreet about it . If I were you I would also try and get out more and leave him to take his share of cooking / other things needing doing for you and the kids . It isn't really fair just because you are there , that you get landed with everything .