A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

@Candlesburn thanks for your words of wisdom. My counselling starts today which I feel anxious and nervous about but hoping I can process my feelings here.

@Liftmyselfupagain ,

That seems like a tough time for you just now .
I think the harsh reality is that financially unless you are a multi millionaire with lots of different houses ( is Rupert Murdoch still single ???) ) we are going to take a financial hit after a separation / divorce . It is just not possible to run two sets of properties with 2 sets of bills otherwise .

It is unfortunate that your H has also given up work . He may not be willing to do this long term but sees it as a "win " at the moment .

There are also certain stages during our kids lives when they are hard work and you feel you are " in the trenches ". I can never know for sure I suppose, but I don't think I would have chosen to become a single mother and especially not to more than 1 child.We no longer have a loving partner to work with as a team . Obviously some exes are more involved than others .

Re missing the children , I think you just have to try and keep yourself busy .

Remind yourself why you are separated . You didn't just do this on a whim .

That's great that you have lots of friends , it is important that you keep up your friendships and they will hopefully be a good source of support & distraction.

Can't remember who suggested chat GPT but I am willing to give it a go . I think it is the constant reminding of the ex and shared memories with them / the family that is difficult.

I think I have been better this week for not dwelling on it so much - but just because it has been a very busy week .

I do think that for me and lots of us here our exes detonated a bomb into our relationships . They then walk off smiling into the sunset when we are left in the ruins , bloodied and torn and not knowing what has hit us . In this state we then have to pick ourselves up and take on the bulk of the childcare ( no change for me there ...) , meanwhile we also have to put a brave face on it for the children .

I do want to be in the position where I am not the bitter , haggard faced only crone - for me , my kids and also the ex and the OW ( for them not to think - ex was so right not to be with me ) .

So I do think we are entitled to rightly feel angry and devastated . I suppose the difficulty is when we maybe stay in this phase for far too long . Which I am certainly guilty of and it is no longer healthy for me .
The ex had the cheek to say to me last week - that it wasn't healthy for him to be around me ! I know it was true and I responded that I certainly didn't want to see him either .

I also think we also run the risk of being permanently stuck in " victim mode " . I do think we need to process this and it will take a long while . But I suppose the intensity of our feelings should diminish which I am not sure mine have , months later .

I do think we also run the risk of alienating and boring our friends / family.I am very conscious not to be that person that speaks only of themself and their problems , but I have perhaps have allowed it to dominate our conversations for longer than it should . That's hopefully where chat GPT and counselling if you can access it should come into play . I think I am even boring myself ...

I was also thinking that for me the upcoming year anniversary later this year, should be something I celebrate rather than dread like ai did for Christmas and birthdays last year .

I looked at my calendar and I have actually been invited to a birthday party on that day ( didnt twig the date was the same ) . For logistics including child care I wasn't sure if I could go , it is also near to my only other social event this year both of which will involve overnights . So perhaps I should try my best to go . I hate also having to run the dates past my ex for childcare , something which he never reciprocates .
Will stop rambling now . Hope everyone is doing ok this week .

I

Sorry I also meant to add re my earlier post , I did not want to compare my situation to anyone who has actually experienced domestic violence . So apologies, if I have inadvertently upset anyone who has .

I’ve been awake all night and have been reading some of the posts on here. I could have written some of them. They use the same language I’ve used when talking about what’s happened with me and my XDP.

I have used the phrase ‘put a bomb under our relationship’ and I saw someone else use that term further up in the thread. My ex is basically having a mid life crisis but decided to blame everything on me and wants out. And I felt he has put a bomb under our relationship and the lovely life we had together and has ruined it all.

He won’t consider couples counselling. We are sharing our house together which I have found intolerable since I asked him a few weeks ago if we were splitting up (after he’d ignored me for months) and he mumbled a ‘yes’. Every time I see him, it’s a reminder of how he has rejected me, and all for nothing.

He has various things going on which have culminated in him feeling very low and I became the focus of it all. I finally got him to acknowledge this a few nights ago and thought I’d made a break through and suggested counselling. A few days later, he said he would go for individual counselling for himself as he knows he has issues, but he won’t go for couples counselling. I finally got him to look me in the eye and tell me our relationship is over. His behaviours have indicated that for months but he hasn’t had the decency to say the words to me.

We’ve been together 9 years and had a nice life and have a lovely house which I cannot keep, but he can. Our families are devastated.

Why do they do this?

It was @Candlesburn who has said about the bomb. You have written so many things I could have written myself.
And I know I am also in danger of boring friends and family by talking about it because I cannot get my head around why he has done this. He seems incredibly unhappy right now and it is baffling to me but I need to not talk about it so much to people.

Nor me.

So afyer 27 years I caught my husband cheating. He said he met her a month ago amd asked for her number. He offered to show me text messages to prove the date.
She booked a hotel on thr 31st dec and paid for it and they had sex. The lies he told me. He even convinced me to change medication over Xmas as I was 'paranoid' he shotef at me when I questioned certain things and made me feel guilty. He swore on the kids lives that he was cheating. He held me while I sobbed saying I feel like il going mad because of my worries about him cheating.
I just feel sick, shit about myself and the pain is unbelievable. I checked his dash cam for one day and he even deleted thr last image which shows him going to a car park to meet her.
We had sex still and even booked a night away for his birthday. We went out the day before woth the kids and had a good time.
When does the pain end. I just can't function. We have two children aged 9 and 11. They've not taken it well i don't think they have processed it.
I've had to block him because I'm messaging him asking him questions wanting detial but he's ignoring me. But I also don't want the details because it hurts more. I'm a mess. I just need positive stories because right now I want to jump in front of a bus.
The other week he came home with a bag of sweets. He told me that a bloke at work got them for the kids becdue he knew they liked them. I knew this was lie. Middle aged men dont do thus for men's children. Turns out it was her. Thus makes me feel sick.
Thanks to medication changed for my 'paranoia ' I've not been well and told him I didn't want to be alone thus sat when he was meant to be going out bowling. He said to get my mim round if I was unwell. He wasnt wiling to cancel it. Yep..she's booked a hotel for them both. I just keep getting intrusive thoughts.
Ive also posted in relationships but that's quiet atm
Any advice welcome. I just cannot stand the pain. The flashbacks of seeing them both sat there when I caught them. I just keep thinking of his behaviour over the last month. The lies he told me . I jist feel sick.

@sugarplum - I am really sorry that you are going through this .

This sounds a really hard way to find out that your H cheated and especially that he then effectively gaslit you to make it as though you were the one that was paranoid .
I know that this is a really hard time for you . Believe me I have been there and " bought the T-shirt ".

It will be very raw for you and you are rightly emotionally distraught at this time . I think at this stage you just have to take it a day at a time and look after yourself . That means getting an urgent appointment with your GP and checking your medication , if this hasn't been done recently .

Try and focus on what you need to do urgently and anything that isn't urgent put to the side .You need to look after yourself first , eat little and often and make sure you stay hydrated . If you are up for it , it will help to get out for some fresh air . I know you may not feel like bumping into acquaintances and trying to make small talk, so you could just apologise and say that you are in a hurry .

Who do you have in your life that could give you support - friends / family ? I think you need to reach out to them asap .

I know the natural reaction is to bury our heads in the sand and pretend it isn't happening , but you do need to reach out to support in real life if it is available to you .

I think your H has shown you that he is focussed on the OW and is prioritising this relationship . This will be exciting for him and he isn't really caring about you or his children as a result . It may fizzle out / it may not but you have to accept that he is giving you a clear message at this time , that he does not want your relationship to continue / continue as it was .
I think you also need to get some legal advice urgently .

Look after yourself and your kids as well as you can and try and get your H to take the kids out to allow you to get some time to yourself .

Sorry -Superplumb not sugarplum ... Posting on phone and can't see what has been already written as I post

I am sorry too @Nothandmaiden that you are going through this .

It is really difficult and we do want to rewind back time and go back to the pre breakup stage .

It does seem like you are rightly very much reeling from this and that you didn't want to end the relationship and the life you had . Sadly it does seem like your P ( partner does ) . As difficult as it is , you will have to accept this position as you cannot be in relationship with someone that doesn't want to be in it .

As I said in an earlier post , you have to reach out to others for any support you may have in real life . I know by saying it out loud , you are acknowledging the reality - but you do need to do this .

You mentioned that your P had various ongoing issues and for reasons of confidentiality you shouldn't share anything too personal or what you don't feel comfortable sharing on this thread .

I say this with absolute kindness and I would stress that it isn't applicable in all cases , but is there any possibility that he may be involved or have met someone new ?

I mention this because statistically where the man has instigated a break - up - that is usually because they have met someone else . I want to flag this up to you , so that you are not blindsided , if it does prove to be the case .This is also played out in numerous threads on these boards .

I would have say that for me , I would not have thought for a minute that my ex would cheat . He was " not the type " . But sadly a lot of people find themselves in this situation .It may be also that he hasn't yet cheated but that he has met someone new that he is interested in .

I don't think you can ever really know the "why " completely and you can drive yourself mad trying to figure it out . I think you have to focus on yourself and take care of yourself . Try and take back some control about what you can do .

You have to deal with the immediate situation and if you can I would try and get some space away from your P . You said that he would be able to take over the property but financially you could not affords to do so - so I assume the property is in joint names ?

I think you should tell him that you need sone space from him at this time and could he move out on a temp basis to let you have this ? He may agree to this if he feels guilty .This would give you some immediate respite as it will be painful to see him .

It just hurts so much like me and kids have been totally disregarded. I feel like the last 27 years have been a lie. How do I get over it. It's not just the cheqting it the lies he told, how happy he seemed when he came out the loo ( took his phone) it all makes me feel sick. I block him on the phone then unblock and ask him questions. I feel like im going mad

@superplumb I'm so sorry you are going through this, my heart is breaking for you.

its probably not much comfort but right now you are at the absolute worst point in the situation where the shock and hurt is so raw and unrelenting. This was me last year. It does get better. You get organised, the shock subsides, you get used to your new reality. You find your anger - how dare he do this to me! Who the hell does he think he is?
I went on sertraline and whilst its not for everyone, it helped me.
Have a read through all the amazing comments on this thread. There is some fantastic advice, practical and emotional and you can see the progression that posters have made from rock bottom where you are now.
What i would say is try not to obsess over the ow. It took all of my strength, and I mean ever drop since the curiosity killed me, not to ask questions about ow, or search for her on social media. I did an oscar winning performance of acting blase. It doesn't help to see her and you will feel 100 x times if you start comparisons... the why her? What's she got that I haven't? There is no rhyme or reason to it. All kinds of men do this and its no reflection on their wives. My self confidence was at rock bottom after my seperation, I felt ugly and old. It sounds stupid but I used to think about Beyonce. Stunning and accomplished and her husband cheated.

Remember the problem is not you. The marriage may not have been perfect (none are) but this is a failingon your husbands side. The callousness and cruelty of men is staggering, as you can see from the pages of examples from this thread.

Ironically he made me try sertraline to curb my paranoia! I had awful side effects. Tyr paranoia was abiyy his cheating. Couldn't make it up

Need more positive stories about how life will improve now he's left me for her. Anyone around?

Hi superplumb ,
I think this thread is aimed at those that are still struggling with separation , so it may primarily be those that are still in the earlier stages of a separation .

As I think I and others have said it can take ages , if not years to get over a separation , especially when there are children involved , you have been together for years and the H / P were unfaithful .

So I am not really at the stage where I am positive yet about the separation , some months later . But it certainly doesn't feel as painfully raw as in the early stages for me .

I can see small gains about no longer being with ex P . These are ; I don't need to share a bed , can read when I want in bed without him complaining about the light , can do things in the home that I want , that he would not have agreed to , have more space in the wardrobe and most importantly my mental health is better as he is not treating me with contempt / as a live in nanny / cleaner / pa etc and assuming I would be the default parent always . One other positive for me , is I have also managed more weekends away visiting family and friends than I ever did when we were together , as it was usually him that went away . This has helped me to get a much needed break - but appreciate for some , if the ex is not helping out with the kids & or finances are very tight, this may not be possible .Contact with the kids isn't brilliant and co - parenting is not going particularly smoothly however .

In the early stages, I did look at the Surviving Infidelity website ( American but some good info / support on it ) , so you may find it useful for you .

You need to protect yourself as much as possible now . I would suggest if you can keep contact with your ex to a minimum .

If you think it would help you , you could ask your H for a timeline of events of his meeting the OW . He may feel guilty at this stage and may give you this . But look up the cheaters script and he may minimise and downplay everything . This would only be , if you think having some facts would help you . But as others have said , do not focus on the OW and ask about her as this will only cause you more pain and she was not the one that betrayed you .

I think for me I don't see another relationship in my future , due to age and health issues . If someone amazing and kind was to drop into my life - I certainly wouldn't rule that out . But I am not going to be actively going online to search them out , as I don't think that is for me and I have certainly been put off with all the horror stories on here about online dating .

I think some people on here have posted lovely stories about finding another relationship . So it isn't impossible at all . You can be happy again in your future , even if it wasn't the life that you thought you would have .

I think at this stage for you , you have to accept that it will be raw still and be kind to yourself .

I think you need to get to a point when you can look at how your ex has treated you . He has treated you and your children very badly and simply prioritised his own needs . Why on earth would you want to be with him , in those circumstances ? Why would you want to mirror to your children , this is what a good relationship should be ?

Hey @superplumb I'm sorry that you are another woman on this horrible journey, but you have come to the right place! I'm much further down the road and can now definitely say that my life is much better than it was when I was married. It took time and lots of work and healing but I feel so much happier than I used to and enjoy my life so much more. It's frightening at the beginning when the rug is pulled out from under you, and there is so much to process. But there is also the potential for lots of positive change once that is over.

A bad marriage is very draining and you don't always see how bad it is while you are in it. I'd recommend reading the Abandonment Recovery books by Susan Anderson. Chump lady is also good for people who have been betrayed. And there is lots of support in the posts here on MN.

You will get through this and I am sure in time will be back here to tell others that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It really gets so much better.

Also, I found the Runaway Husbands book really really helpful in understanding the behaviour you are talking about, when the person thought you knew is behaving utterly coldly. It's so hard to experience but sadly very common. It's their way of switching off feelings that they don't want to confront. After separation you can assume that whatever they do is to make themselves feel better - it's sadly as simple as that.

Can I join please? I've got another thread on here about being hit by my soon to be ex (I can't stand the word husband anymore) and him calling the police saying I'd hit him. I'm four days down the line from this sorry episode (one of many) and feel exhausted already. The Occupation and Non-Molestation Orders are due to be submitted today. He doesn't know about this yet and I'm petrified he's going to kickoff again in front of our DC who have seen and heard too much already.

I have a social worker visiting me this afternoon...

Hi @maaataa ,
Welcome to this thread . I am sorry you are having a hard time . The most important thing is to keep you and your kids safe .

This will be a really difficult time , but I am glad that you have started your journey to a happier life for you and your dc . Hope you have got some support in real life and remember to eat when you can and stay hydrated , so you then have the energy to look after your DC .

@Candlesburn Thank you for your post and for your support. He has agreed to move out for a while. I just couldn't bear it anymore. We are able to stay elsewhere at alternate times to avoid each other in the meantime. I have a place I can move into but not for six months and then he will take over the house. I was trying to find somewhere else but he has said he will go - I think out of guilt, as you say, as he has acknowledged that he has not treated me well. Our house is in joint names and he'll have to buy me out (I can't afford to take it on). I am gutted at losing our lovely home and the life we had together.

I have asked him if there is someone else and he has said no (of course he would). But, what I've read from other posters, their ex DPs start to make more of an effort if there is someone else on the scene. My XDP looks a mess. I think he would be taking more care of himself if he was trying to impress OW.

Hi , how are all of you lovely people this week / today ?

I have broken my self imposed rule of not drinking on my own and am sitting with a glass of flavoured gin and tonic . Happy Valentines Day to me and all of you !

This is my first solo Valentine's Day for over 20 years . I was dreading it , not as much as the first Christmas . Again it is the build up and all the ads etc , displays in the supermarket etc . Emphasising that I am not in a relationship . But was actually ok . My relationship hasn't been great for a while so there were no big or even little romantic gestures for a good while .

So the bottom line we are better on our own rather than in a crappy relationship . But why did I have to go through such a painful process to get to be single again ?

I am still in the one step forwards , two steps back phase . I thought I was making an effort to get out more and expand my social life painfully slowly . But then other things have been thrown at me and I find I am back down again .

It is also the boring admin stuff that also throws you slightly . I had to change my status on air bnb as had married listed . Although I am still technically married I don't want that to be part of my status .

I also had to fill a form for an online course recently . The course was completely online , but I still had to put in an emergency contact . I suppose just in case the roof fell in on top of me whilst I was online ! I do get it was a standard form that would be used for online and face to face courses . But it threw me as I didn't know who to put . I ended up putting one of my relatives who lives an hour and a half away and who also doesn't drive , so wouldn't be able to rush to my aid anyway ...

I don't want to be one of those people that is defined by a marriage / relationship break up and be twisted and bitter . I hope that anger goes away . I did think it was getting better but it creeps up on me again . I have to have contact with my ex for childcare and so this brings me down again .

I am 14 months on from separation, this is the first time Ive posted but this thread has been a lifeline to me over the past years. I read with positivity how we have all been hurt and managed slowly and painfully to move on - I read with sympathy people who just started their journey and felt happy that, that stage of mine was passed. And yet here I am 14 months later and i feel right back to the beginning. Ill try and be brief. My husband and I are british but we've lived in Africa for the last 13 years. We have been together for 23 years and married for nearly 18. I gave up a good, well paying job to raise my three children and follow his career. There was really no chance of me working aboard. About a year before we split up, my ex started going off the rails, drinking, cocaine, staying out all night. Even the nights he was home, he would drink a minimum of two bottles of wine. He lost 40 kilo's and his ego went through the roof. Where we live, it's a very alcoholic laid-back lifestyle. he got in with a bunch of friends for whom it's normal to be out all night - to party with drugs. Many of them had sent their children/ wives to England for schooling, so they were essentially single. I tried to reign him in, but he got worse. Eventually, and totally out of the blue, he told me he wanted a divorce and left the next day. Never returned. He told me that i was manipulative and controlling, that I had broken him and crushed his spirit. IT was entirely my fault. He refused ever to speak about it, to go to any kind of therapy or marriage counselling he just left. I suspected another woman, there had been secret phone calls, a few messages from a woman he worked with. I found a camisole set in a drawer that wasn't my size and was never given to me. He had been on multiple work trips with this woman, sometimes for weeks, but he swore blind it was nothing, and in time, I believed him. Over the past years, we found a relative peace. I accepted that it was in part my fault, that he had fallen into an alcoholic spiral and it was my trying to control that, which had driven him away. We have been very friendly, amicable. I've listened to him, supported him, and pushed the kids to see him when they didn't want to . This is despite some nasty incidences of turning up to school high, and/or drunk. Women/parties when the kids were over - FYI he only has them two nights a month and often less than this. A few months ago he lost his job; He told me you and the children need to return to England but I am staying here. So I'm taking the kids out of private school to state school. Im returning to a country with no friendship or suppport group, to single parent. I haven't worked for 14 years and cannot work out a way to pay the mortgage and bills alone. Even during all this and knowing that he will stay where we are in a three bedroom house, wit ha driver and full time cleaner and a huge network of friends - and the endless gifts hes bought for himself the last years, watches/ speakers/ TVs amplifiers costing 10's of thousands while i sometimes worry house Ill feed the kids. Even throughout all this, I'm lovely to him. Never accusatory - no arguments -= no drama. ON friday, i found out that he has been seeing the woman from work all along. Well they try to say its only been a year but of course that isn't true. My friends told me that it was common knowledge he'd had a girlfriend even before we split up. Lots of people knew but no one told me. I had asked him repeatedly to tell me. My daughter said she had seen a message on his phone from the woman who said I love you - I asked him about it a few weeks ago, and even then, he denied seeing anyone. I said Please don't make me a laughing stock and be the last to know. in this community. In any case, it turns out he's done exactly that. I feel right back to the beginning. My heart is stabbed; I question all my decisions. The last years of my marriage seem like a lie - my calmness and kindness over the year when we have been separated seem like a joke. I am so angry and betrayed and hurt, mostly that he has put me back a year in terms of healing. I have blocked him and never want to speak to him again, but I need financial assistance in the UK, or I cannot look after my children. I want never to speak to him, but I don't want it to affect my kids. I can't see a way forwards and feel destroyed - all over again. i don't know what i want from this message other than a way to put it all on paper. To vent. Perhaps some advice. THank you for listening x

That’s horrendous. Are you only really splitting up now though? It sounds like you have been too nice and accommodating and he was having his cake and eating it for years. It’s only now you are really separating.

He is not in charge. He does not get to flick you off now that he is finally finished with you.

Don’t leave!
Font leave your house or schools!!

Get legal advice!!!!!!!!!
Get everything coming to you and your children financially!!!!

you need to be strategic now and get legal advice. Please!

@Candlesburn totally feel you with the emergency contact. Mine are mostly still STBEX even though I think he's a weasely little twat. I have no family nearby to put and he would at least have to help with DS if needs be.

I also find it hard to reconcile happiness that it's over with annoyance at stbex. I think I'm mostly annoyed at myself for compromising so much for our relationship and it turns out he was a selfish arse who didn't value it anyway. Just a colossal waste of time and energy and now I'm the wrong side of 50 and instead of planning early retirement, splitting up means many more years of FT work and debt.

I also don't want to be bitter and rant about it all the time. But his new happiness with his now not secret gf sticks in my craw. I want the karma bus to run him over. I want him, an empathy-less sack of meat, to feel 1/10th of the pain he's put me though. But he won't. So I'm also angry at the patriarchy for enabling men like him to always do exactly what they want, demand compromise from women to disempower them, then break the implict contract that you as the woman are giving up your power for protection.

@bambara sorry that your situation sounds very hard. Again a man enabled by society to do what he wants. You have been more than reasonable, you're allowed to be incandescent, but I understand, I'm much nicer to my STBEX that I feel inside because I need him to behave over splitting our assets. Do you have any family in the UK to help? Have you had legal advice?