A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

I've read tons of positive experiences on here from people who found the love of their life in their 50's and 60's. I just have this negative intrusive thought that it "won't be me".

Good evening, lovely ladies,

First, let me say how much I admire all of you for being open and honest about what you’re going through. This stuff is hard - I know because I’m living it too (I pop back to post on this thread occasionally). My husband and I separated in July 2022 after he admitted to having a four-year affair, though if I’m honest, I suspect there were others. What really stung was the timing: he waited until the kids had aged out of child support and then dropped the news two days after our youngest finished her last A-level exam. It felt cold and calculated, and it’s been a lot to process.

I completely understand that sinking feeling in the mornings, the fear of what the future holds, and the constant loop of “how did this become my life?” Some days, it’s still a struggle to get out of bed. But one thing I’ve come to realise is this: we can’t keep giving our energy to men who don’t deserve it.

This fear of “dying alone” or “never being loved again” is something society has fed us for years to keep us doubting ourselves. But here’s the truth: we all die alone. The question isn’t whether we’ll end up alone - it’s whether we’ll spend our lives chasing after people who don’t value us or build a life we love, whether or not someone else is in it.

I know it’s easier said than done, but now is the time to take all that love, time, and effort you gave to your ex and invest it in yourself. Start small: even if mornings feel impossible, do one thing for yourself - make a cuppa, go for a walk, or simply open a window and breathe in some fresh air. In the evenings, instead of sitting with fear, start thinking about what you could do. What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but never had the chance to?

And let’s address the idea that “all the good men are taken.” By the time you’ve rebuilt yourself and started living life on your terms, you won’t be looking for someone to complete you. You’ll be looking for someone who’s a bonus to the life you’ve already created - and that’s a very different thing.

So, don’t let the fear of being alone run your life. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed right now, but every step you take to move forward, no matter how small, is a step towards a better version of you. You’ve already got everything you need inside you to do it.

You’ve got this.

I’ve not being doing great this week. Feel a bit overwhelmed with everything but it hasn’t even been a month yet. Not sure where to start - need to fix side gate with exH will be leaving, sort new cam belt out, get a job as been a SAHM to 5yo DD, get some savings together. Arghhh! Not sure where to start

@Didsomeonesaydogs Your post encapsulates many of my thoughts and feelings, beautifully. Agree with every word of what you say. Thank you for putting it all so well and so clearly.

@Didsomeonesaydogs thank you for that. I think many of us needed to hear that.

@Eggegggoose it's all so overwhelming. I know you'll get there. Keep coming on here for support and advice. I intend to. Some days are worse than others but every day that passes is a day closer to the happiness we all deserve

@Eggegggoose cam belt, oooo that would result in me hiding under bed covers… again… I almost blew up the house yesterday in a moment of ‘I am woman, I can do anything’. Suffice to say I have an emergency engineer coming out today!

@Didsomeonesaydogs thank you

@ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers haha! I did burn my hand the other day trying to fill DD hot water bottle. My mind was on other things and overfilled it. Ouch! But I have arranged for cam belt to be replaced!! Woohoo! So feeling good about that. Hope you house is still intact 😆

@Eggegggoose Engineer been and gone and has taught me for any future issues. Well done on Cambelt.

Apparently exh had shared pictures of the young girl he left me for, almost a year to the day since he left me for her.

Not sure how it's made me feel or what to say, but just wanted to share with people who will understand.

Block him.

Or if someone else told you this, let them know you have no interest in what he’s doing and to please keep it to themselves.

You don’t need to go pain shopping.

Oh I blocked him (and her) the day he left - word just got back to me (and I swiftly shut the conversation down!).

hope everyone is doing ok. Nearly a month for me and my sleep is awful. Falling asleep between 2-4am and then having to get DD to school. Trying all the advice - no caffeine in the afternoon or screens before bed but not working. And Nytol gives me horrendous restless legs

Ah, so sorry to hear that @CleanShirt . A tough one to deal with. I agree with @Didsomeonesaydogs the person who told you was being really shitty, and don't forget that (when someone shows you who they are etc ..). Try to put it out of your mind and move on. Your ex is irrelevant now and whatever he is up to is nothing to do with your life. It took me a long long time to fully integrate that but I think I'm there at last. I don't care what he is doing with his new partner, I'm just glad it's not my life any more. I read a great quote somewhere that we should be grateful when a person that is toxic to our lives takes themselves off to become someone else's life lesson. That's how I think of it now. My marriage was a long and ultimately very painful set of life lessons and now he's someone else's problem. Wish I could have learned those lessons an easier way but that's the way it goes... Be kind to yourself. And ditch that so-called friend!

@Eggegggoose I so totally understand the Nytol restless legs.

@CleanShirt sometimes no matter what you do something slips through and hurts. I am repeatedly telling myself not to care and it doesn't matter who he's shagging at the moment but it wont stop going through my head. As for the nightmares! My immune systems is pants at the moment so I've taken to drinking a pot of citrus (made with green tea, a lemon and an orange) a day. Even so my throat is complaining and my ears hurt so I know something 'wicked' this way comes.

@harlemriver I love that phrase, thank you. May have to write it down where I can see it daily. I completely agree and there are times where I get tiny flashes of wow I'm free of his sulks and temper tantrums. Free of having to always consider his wants in any of my decisions or expenditures. But then I wake up and just feel so lonely.

anyone any words of wisdom for getting past the rage and jealousy of your ex dating? Suspect cheating towards end of marriage. Well was on dating sites and chatting I know that much and has since met someone in a hotel who I suspect was someone who he was talking to at the end of the marriage. We get along reasonably amicably for a period o time but as soon as he goes out and is dating other people I feel physically sick and full of rage and anger. Then there is the constant crying that follows and hate everything he has done to us. He then becomes nasty and blames me for being a control freak etc etc. just want to feel nothing towards him and not care who he dates. How do men just throw away a 20 year relationship and move on without a second thought and expect you to be over it?? Just rambling as it’s been a hard day!

Sorry , just seen your post . I am not sure how to get over the anger either . I think counselling or one of those " breaking / smashing " rooms may be the answer !

I know we should act dignified and rise above it , but it is very difficult to do in practice ...

I have seen on here and quoted elsewhere that it can take in excess of 2 years to get over a marital / relationship break up . There will be a number of factors in this , how long the relationship was , how you were treated , was there any cheating ?

I don't think we should beat ourselves up that we aren't as far along the healing process as we had hoped . It is difficult when there are other factors at play , new girlfriend etc .

I think the issue is that we see them being able to move on with their lives very easily / to replace us - how dare they ? To put their children at the bottom of the list . When there are children , we are often left with the day to day drudgery and they are living a brand new bachelor existence .

I think our feelings are normal and we cannot comprehend it , as we would never have treated our spouse / partner so badly .
The reality is that for a lot of relationships , mine included my ex checked out of our relationship and had moved onto someone new months and months before I knew what was happening .

So if nothing else , they are further along the process than us , have more time to recharge whilst we are left dealing with the bulk of the childcare where there are kids involved and we are still reeling from what has happened .

It really doesn't seem fair !!!But I am trying not to waste too much emotional energy on the ex . We cannot stop them dating .

I read this in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep because even though it’s been nearly 18 months since he moved out and 3 years since he told me he didn’t love me anymore sometimes I have moments when my heart breaks all over again and I long to go back to the way things were. It’s the worst feeling in the world and who knows when I’ll stop having these moments. Most of the time I’m fine and able to see that I am better off without him but then there are times when I’ve had a rubbish day or I’m feeling hormonal and it’s like an itch I have to scratch.

At the moment I’m trying to sell the family home and buy somewhere for me & the kids but it’s not smooth sailing so that has me more on edge than usual. I’m also awful at decision making and with no other half to bounce thoughts off it’s just hard. One of my girls is struggling with her relationship with her dad and he’s being a bit (well I think a lot) crap. He’s jumped straight into a new relationship and has moved her plus her child into his new house.

Anyway all of that waffle was just to say thank you @Candlesburn for posting the above - it made me feel not quite so alone in the wee small hours.

@Stressheadmumma I think you just have to feel the feelings unfortunately. Writing stuff down helps me. I think about getting a punch bag often to take out my rage. Haven’t tried this but I read somewhere else that someone had used Chatgpt as a counselling session - not sure how true that was but may give it a go.

@Stressheadmumma It sounds like you’re dealing with an incredible amount of hurt and betrayal right now, and it’s completely valid to feel rage, jealousy, and grief in the wake of his actions. What you’re feeling is a natural response to years of trust and commitment being disregarded like they meant nothing—and honestly, the way he’s treated you is infuriating. Suspected cheating, chatting with other women on dating sites, and quickly moving on to someone else are all incredibly painful betrayals.

The fact that he turns around and calls you a ‘control freak’ when you react to his behavior is textbook blame-shifting. It’s a way to shut down your valid emotions and make you the problem, so he doesn’t have to take accountability for how cruelly he’s treated you. Please don’t let his words make you doubt yourself. You aren’t overreacting, and your emotions are not the issue here—his behavior is.

The grief and anger are intense right now because you’re mourning not just the relationship, but the person you thought he was. Sitting with those feelings is key because trying to suppress them will only make them come out in other ways. It might also help to write down everything you’re feeling—about the rage, the jealousy, the hurt—so you can release it and reflect on it in a safe way.

As for how men like him can ‘throw away a 20-year relationship and move on without a second thought’? It’s because they compartmentalise. They aren’t processing what they’ve done or facing the consequences of their actions emotionally. Instead, they deflect blame onto you, dive into distractions, and avoid accountability at all costs. It’s not because he’s stronger or coping better—it’s because he’s escaping. But the truth will catch up with him eventually.

Right now, focus on letting yourself grieve without judgment, and remember that his opinion of you means nothing. He doesn’t get to define your worth or how you handle your healing. You’re allowed to take the time you need to work through this. You don’t owe him indifference, but with time and support, you’ll get to the point where he no longer has the power to hurt you. You’ll feel nothing for him—not because you forced yourself to stop caring, but because you’ve processed it fully and moved forward on your terms.

ChatGPT can be great for getting perspective on things. These guys are good, but you might need a premium subscription.

chatgpt.com/g/g-v9SoCDxCp-brenda-frank-conversation-analysts

Great post too . I think there is also cognitive dissonance at play as well as compartmentalising .

In their own head , they aren't the "baddie " - you have driven them too it - because you did / didn't do x/ y . In order to move on they shift the blame to you .

I think we do make progress , like any kind of grief it gradually lessens . I no longer weep into my pillow on a regular basis but I do continue to get upset , but not as much as I did in the early days .

I think we are kind and caring people - unlike our exes . So we do feel this betrayal . We are also mourning what we thought was our future , this person that we would grow old with and continue to raise our kids with .

That happy picture shattered into a thousand pieces and we are only human for feeling the repercussions of this .

We also feel guilty that our kids are from a broken family . Who would want that for their kids unless it was an abusive relationship ? But we did not cause this - we are simply left holding the shattered pieces of a broken relationship .

I can accept that for me my relationship was probably likely to fail anyway . What I find difficult to deal with, is how the relationship ended . It was sudden due to the betrayal and I cannot accept how I was treated and the pain that this caused .

I do think a lot of men in these situations are cowards , they don't have the emotional intelligence to act as a grown up . To come to their partner / wife and say - look this isn't working out for me . Can we do therapy / split up amicably and do what is best for our kids and for us .

Instead they move onto someone new and invest all their energy and prioritise this new relationship . They have to get someone new lined up .

When you had been with someone for a long time - decades for me - your lives become enmeshed and intermingled. Especially so if there are children , shared interests , extended family .

It is poignant to look back at photos etc as they are now slightly tainted , knowing what you now know .

Especially so , if you know there was an affair taking place at the same time . You thought you were one of the most important people in their life - but they were cheating and betraying you . That level of betrayal is difficult to move on from
.
There are also points which will trigger you further ; Christmas , birthdays , anniversaries . Also when they are moving onto to new relationships . You know that the new woman will get the shiny / happy version of the ex . The one that you certainly didn't get later on into the relationship .

I also feel that the new girlfriend will be judging / pitying me . I do accept though that they will only get the ex's very one dimensional view of our relationship . You will also seem like the crazy ex , because you are still struggling with it all . That is because they had more time to prepare and to check out of the relationship .

Other triggers will obviously be when moving on from the matrimonial home . Especially if you are having to downsize . Again mixed emotions . Some happy and some sad . Hopefully lots of happy ones if you have raised children / had pets there .

I am still in the joint home and take some comfort from having that familiarity . However there are times when I wish for somewhere new and to make new memories .

My dream is win the lottery and buy somewhere new . The ex would surely also feel a bit of regret that they didn't get to share in the winnings ! A pipe dream , especially when I picked my numbers tonight -,but then forgot to confirm and didn't enter the draw ...

Those few minutes when I think I may have won are great escapism whilst it lasts .

Sleep is also a struggle for me . Magnesium is supposed to be good and melantonin . Both are sitting in their containers not taken by me tonight - so hence the post at this time .

I am sorry for all of us who find ourselves in this unhappy club but grateful too that I do not feel as alone .

Take care everyone and I think we have to let our feeling play out . We do however not have to give too much headspace to our exes and deliberating over the why ???? I am very much still working on that one .

Hi everyone,
After a good few months of making a lot of progress with moving on, I feel like this last week I have taken a huge step back. I take comfort from a pp saying to remember the process of recovery isn't linear, but its very hard to feel yourself regress when you had been moving on.

What I am struggling with more than anything is stbxh and how seemingly happy he is. He is now living with the partner I suspect he had lined up. Whenever i see him because of the DC he is behaving so differently, he's like he was when i first met him, caring and considerate, happy and fun. Its causing me anger and resentment and I don't like this side of myself. I don't want to be bitter and angry. I obviously don't let him see how I feel, tbh I barely speak to him, and I know that this side he is presenting is rubbish because he is thoroughly selfish and cruel, but its hard. 10 years of marriage ended and it appears like he didnt give it a second thought. The coldness is unbelievable. I hate the fact that I am single and he's happy and loved up. How does he find it so easy to suddenly switch his feelings to someone else? I guess the answer is that he was mentally checked out before i knew it was over. Plus its easy to start a new relationship when you only see your children for 1 hour a fortnight.
I know i shouldn't care, i know it! But these nights lying awake at 1am i feel it so much.

I need a reality check. Yes he may revert to type and she may find herself living with the weasly little twat I had to live with in the end, or she very well may not. They could be together for ten years. Either way its not my problem anymore. I was good enough. Its not me, its utterly him.
Im hopeful this is just a bad week and I will continue to progress through this.

Great post @Candlesburn , lots resonated with me. My relationship was not great but STBEX made the ending utterly shit for me and DC.

@Lorelaigilmore88 I feel v similar about my Weasely Little Twat. I want to get to indifference and that's certainly true sometimes, but I do sometimes feel resentful that he's now happy/carefree/fun. I feel like I sacrificed myself on the altar of our relationship and spent decades feeling like I was wrong and he was right and if only I'd do things his way then it would all be great, and I'm so annoyed with myself that it was all shit and I was just doing womanly people pleasing and I lost myself, and he binned me anyway!

All that fucking energy trying to please him and it wasn't what he wanted anyway. GARGH! I try v hard to avoid regret, my counsellor is v clear regret is not helpful, so going forwards I'm trying to very much please myself and figure out what's best for me and becoming someone who says, "no that doesn't work for me". Because I count and I should not have let myself be subsumed by a substandard relationship that wasn't making either of us happy.

STBEX is still a Weasely Little Twat though. I find it helps to dwell on anything that gives me the ick about him. Remembering the things that make my skin crawl help me to remember the reality when I'm confronted with the new WLT who's delighted with himself.

Power to you all.

@Didsomeonesaydogs - thanks so much for the link, I didn't know that ChatGPT had that feature. It’s very good, I've just had a conversation with it, and I don't have a subscription.

I haven't posted here in ages, but I am still going through the legal process, and am focusing on that.

It's been 18 months since we separated, and I started divorce proceedings. So much has happened in that time, I could write a book! (Although, it would make for quite a depressing read!).

ChatGPT has just made some good points today, and that's been really helpful.

I'm hoping that I'll be divorced, before this year is out, at least (although, I said the same thing, last year!).

I still have the odd moment, where I feel sad about it all, but ex-h has behaved so very badly, throughout all of this, that it's always a short lived feeling.

One thing that I have realised - is that I get the chance to start all over again.

I'll move to a different town, be in a different home, make some new friends, and just start again, doing what I want, whenever I want.

And I'm really looking forward to that.

Whenever things get tough, with all the legal stuff, I just remind myself of that, and just keep going.

He everyone, some help and wisdom and some sort of kick up the bum please.
I have been separated for 2 years, got some disturbing health related family in the meantime and it’s blurred everything.
No romantic relationship, that is well and truly gone. But in the last year, or 9 months I’ve moved house, gone from SAHM to FT working, two young kids, feel like I barely see them. Husband quit his job a few months ago and he’s basically the Mum now. I feel like the kids couldn’t possibly see me as Mum still. Complete role reversal and I feel trying to improve our lives after an incredibly hard 10 years and no improvement no matter what we tried, being a separated family with two houses is even worse.
I cannot bare not seeing the kids, incidentally through the day, when they’re gone I feel completely isolated. I have lots of friends but when the door closes I feel utterly alone and without any sense of agency within myself, it just feels doomed and that I am a fool for trying to get out.
a friend mentioned that my husbands ways may have rubbed off on me. Indecisive, passive and more fearful of the world. I feel like I have gone downhill, so little energy and finding my new reality and whatever the future holds overwhelming and surreal.
I know my mindset is so off and I am the only one with the power to change the lens I am looking through, but I really am struggling.
I was so sparky and confident and able and I just feel washed up and lost. Marriage and now this has just sucked the life out of me. I know the only way is through this but my mind is not even creative enough to come up with a positive future. I feel isolated and alone and I just want to hide.
So much had changed this year, I am so tempted for us both to fake it and get through together with the kids. Both options seem feel dead end.
Please someone of you could you help me to see our marriage break down, two homes etc in a different light.
Thank you x
Edited

@Didsomeonesaydogs thanks so much for reply that was really helpful. I haven’t ever thought about using chat GPT so will have a look thanks.