A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

A valid point. I have for my post to be removed and reported it.

That's good of you @Notsuchaniceguy . You could always start a thread of your own. I know from male friends how hard it is to find supportive spaces where you can talk feelings as a man. There's no real equivalent to Mumsnet or Mum's FB groups.

Nesting is the idea that when you separate, you keep the family home as it is (in theory less disruption for DC) but the parents take their turns co-parenting there (like male and female birds coming in and out of the nest). On the days off each parent stays at a 2nd home/rented place.
The massive downside is that neither of you have your own private home, you're essentially sharing 2 homes but never there at the same time. We did it for 2 weeks swapping between the family home and an AirBnB and while it did mean our children didnt have to keep moving around I think long term it would have driven me mad.

It works great for some people though as is less upheaval overall.

Thank you for that. I always thought nesting was that period pre birth when a woman (defo me) rushes around cleaning and preparing and to have it used in divorce seemed seriously weird. I personally couldn't do this. My stbexH came home (he works abroad) after Xmas (he had a holiday instead of spending the first Xmas apart focusing on the kids) I found it extremely unsettling that he might enter the house. He has now agreed (via solicitors) to only enter the house with prior agreement.

How is everyone feeling today?
I had an emotional weekend, got a new puppy on Saturday who I'm sure will become great company for me but rather than offer a distraction to my pain he has so far only reminded me that I'm now alone and need company 😞 Hoping that will pass.

Yesterday I found that everything I saw and even conversation with my parents kept bringing up reminders of my ex and our plans for the future. So painful.

Ugh, a puppy is a lot of work but will also give a tonne of love. Good luck. I had my youngest in bed with me all night sobbing. 7 months tomorrow and life still feels shattered.

Oh Im so sorry to hear this. My youngest (10) gets very upset, it's heartbreaking, I feel your pain. My eldest (12) internalizes which is a worry as she's started having anxiety before school which means she's sick after breakfast. I'd give anything to take away their pain.

I hope your youngest can come to terms with the new landscape soon. So tough for you both

It's because I've had to start looking at alternative houses. I gave up a very lucrative career in Banking at my ex's behest and have been a SAHM to 4 kids for nearly 19 years now. My youngest is 15 and until now seemed the most robust. Meanwhile the 18 year old is literally pulling his hair out, the 21year old has been diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and the oldest at 24 is cutting herself.

I just need this over so I can settle everyone and move forward. I think the worst bit is my ex's complete and utter lack of remorse or understanding just what he's done to our family. Meant to add to the previous thread that all 4 of my kids are neurodiverse and HATE change.

@mom2daisypie picture of new pup please!!! I have a 9.5 year old who would HATE a new puppy appearing. Shame. So despite the work load I'm a little jealous!

How awful for you and your kids. Do they get any external support/therapy? Really hope things settle soon for you all.

Heres the little fluffball

Wow wow wow! Can you bear to move or do you just sit and stroke!

To be honest most days I just want to stay in bed and cuddle him (but he'd pee all over me probably!). I'm looking forward to the days when we can go for walks, drives, to cafes etc together as companions. I think he'll really help my confidence and with the loneliness. I'd have him sleeping on my bed but I know its not the best thing in the early days so I have him in his crate right next to me at night.

Good Morning everyone,
Sorry to keep coming on here to pour, I'm just really struggling day to day and feel like this is the only place I can let out what I'm going through.
After an evening binge watching a boxset, bath, glass of wine and chilling I went to bed feeling not too bad. This morning however I woke up with that sinking feeling again and have been crying off and on in despair. I just can't believe this is my life now.

Has anyone else experienced this process as a game of 2 halves? Mornings and daytimes generally feeling totally lost, sad and unmotivated, then by around 6pm feeling slightly better?

Me again @mom2daisypie and yep. Struggling to get out of bed. Do the school runs then clamber back under the covers to pretend the world doesn't exist. 7 months today since he told me our marriage (26 years) was over. I would say I'm moving forward but it feels oh so slow! And it's so scary thinking about what comes next, finding a new job/career, moving house all whilst supporting and loving the kids.

Oh it's a rollercoaster mate. An hour at a time if you need to and just go through the feelings rather than trying to fight them off. It does get easier! X

Sorry to hear you're still struggling after 7 months. I guess all any of us can do is be kind to ourselves and allow ourselves time to grieve. If we don't old pain and feelings could well resurface further down the line. At least you're facing your pain head on. I'm sure it will get less and less x

Thanks for the reply. It really does feel like a rollercoaster. The knot in my stomach never fully goes - sometimes it's there on it's own, sometimes it's accompanied by triggered painful memories and an aching in my chest.
I heard a quote on the radio the other day, I think it was from Winston Churchill.
"When you're going through Hell, keep going". It resonated with me. There's no way to avoid these feelings, not constantly, the only way out of them is to keep moving through them I suppose.
Do you mind me asking your experience? how long have you been separated? when did you find it started to get easier to deal with?

Of course - exh left me out of the blue for someone else a year ago. Spent this last year buying my own place and getting my (new) life back together. It's not easy and I still have wobbles but it's a million percent easier than it was a year ago!

Do you have a good support network around you? X

sorry to hear that, well done on getting your own place sorted. I'm renting at the moment, been here 6 weeks and feel so lonely it hurts.

I have 3 good friends but they live an hour away and have their own families and issues so I can't see them as much as I'd like to. My parents are helpful but they're not the best people to really talk to if you know what I men. They're practical not emotional.
My husband and I were best friends for 18 years, did everything together and so I don't really have the confidence to get out there socialising, at least not yet. I'm still licking my wounds I suppose. One of my BIGGEST fears is never feeling loved again. Never having a partner to share my life with again. I live in a very small town, work from home and so my chances of ever meeting someone new are slim. Obviously my priority at the moment is rebuilding myself and taking care of my children but the fear of a lonely life is excruciating right now.

Oh, the never to feel loved again fear. One of my biggest. I'm trying to focus on the love given to me by my dog and by my four kids.

Same. I keep telling myself that I now need to focus on my 2 children and my puppy but at some point every day I get a pang of panic that I'll end up alone. My rational mind knows that at 42 I have plenty of time to meet a decent person but I've also read a lot of comments on threads here from people who say that at our age all of the decent men are taken or gay! the thought of OLD fills me with dread and I don't think that even when I'm ready to look again that I'll bother with that so I'm not really sure what my chances are of actually meeting someone special.

@mom2daisypie ugh! I'm 55 and yes am petrified.

I can understand how that all seems scary especially after being with someone for so long. After the school run I do always feel like getting back in bed but part of me is too scared incase I spiral into a pit of depression so I don't let myself. Maybe it would do me good,

Renting my own house happened so quickly I didn't really have chance to think too much about it. We had a huge argument on 21st Nov when he refused to leave the house for me to take over with the children. I left and booked an Air BnB for a week. In that time a house came up for rent right next to the school so I just snapped it up rather than keep spending a fortune on holiday rentals. It was a whirlwind weekend on 7th Dec moving in and getting the bedrooms ready for the children. Now I've been here 6 weeks the reality is kicking in when Im rattling around at night with no kids here but it's very early days still. I'm naturally impatient and just want everything to feel better asap!