A new thread for those struggling with separation - Part 2: Onwards to a happier future

[Itisallgoingtobeok]

This is a continuation of the thread that in which so many people have found comfort, advice, and solidarity. The original is here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4837197-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation?page=40&reply=131988731

Onwards to a happier future for all of us!

Eurgh. I am absolutely struggling today. Burst into tears at my desk and got sent home - I'm just going to crawl into bed. It's been a year, when does it get easier??

Hello @Eggegggoose , I am so sorry that you are here. It's an awful position to find yourself in. We are all in this terrible boat together and I have found this thread full of kindness and comfort.

@Didsomeonesaydogs thank you for your lovely post. Firstly well done on how far you have come, I can understand how hard that must have been.

I also threw myself into work in the first year, I enjoy my job a a lot and the people I work with are great. In a way my job is the block to me socialising. I have a long commute and most of the events that go on where I live are early evening before I get home. I need to find another way, perhaps something close to my office instead of close to home would work better. I hope in 2025 the divorce will be finalised and things will start to settle.

@AloneAgain2023 I'm glad this Christmas has been easier for you. As for your Ex I am not sure what you can do other than ignore him. It will go south soon enough for him. You have come such a long way and as hard as it is, hang onto that.

Hugs to all.

@CleanShirtsorry you're finding today hard. This time of year is just an endurance test of triggers of happy families and other people's better life choices. Stay in bed and wake up to a fresh start tomorrow if that will help. I'd suggest signing up on a month trial for a new streaming service and binging something distracting. May I suggest Rivals on Disney+?!

It will feel better soon. It's tempting to think that everyone else is happy at this time of year but there are so so many people that aren't fitting the stereotypical family festive season. Those of us going through divorce, or widowed, or caring for someone who is seriously ill, or shift workers or military personnel or oil workers...the myth of Christmas and New Year really doesn't fit that many people at all. So sack it off, it's just another day. Crack open a bottle of wine, find something trashy to watch and pass the time til you feel better.

I've done the opposite and cooked a massive roast dinner, god knows why - force of habit I guess. There is far too much for me so you can all invite yourselves round for roast beef and roasted veg and copious amounts of fizz and red wine. Cheers to 2025 and better times ahead. X

Hope everyone is doing ok . Have opened a bottle of wine and have persuaded one of the kids to watch a film with me .
Here's to a happy 2025 for us all , when it comes .

I’m going to join you all if that is ok. I can’t really say anything because everything is so uncertain and still evolving, but I am hoping to move forward this year.

I'm joining for the first time as well. My stbexH of 33 years informed me of his infidelity in June so it's all feeling incredibly raw. It's been lovely to lurk on this thread and see how you are all doing. I'm hoping to exchange financial documents sometime in mid-January and have no doubt everything will get nasty all over again. My kids pulled out all the stops for Xmas day and it was ok, but I didn't expect quite the degree of loneliness I felt yesterday. Much better today but cried buckets yesterday. Had hoped I was beyond that by now.

@ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers you're doing great.

This was my 3rd Christmas separated and I still had a little wobble over the past few days. It’s perfectly natural. Give yourself grace and allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up.

Hello folks - I just wanted to say hello and check in, I guess. My STBEXH moved out in July, when we formally separated. So it's been 6 months. I wasn't sure how Xmas would feel this year, but actually, the lack of resentment and arguments was lovely and it's been rather nice. Myself and the teenager did stockings for each other, and we had some family round for Xmas & Boxing Day. I'm feeling very sure that us ending the marriage was the right thing to do for all concerned. So far, we're being very civilised, including dog-sharing, so I'm hoping this all lasts at least as long as it takes to get the house on the market in the next couple of months and tie up a financial settlement. I'm worried I won't be able to find somewhere else I can afford locally, but I'm trying to have faith that the universe will provide. And I've made some good connections locally which is helping to keep some of the loneliness at bay. Lots of walks and exercise too. So I'm managing to feel quite positive most of the time, even though there's a lot more uncertainty ahead - I may get made redundant this year (gulp) and I'll be dealing with the empty nest come September (yikes). Anyway, I've been keeping an eye on this thread and I hope some of you are also managing to see some positives to a really difficult and stressful situation. Here's to new beginnings in 2025.

Thanks @ithinkicanithinkican you sound very positive.

My first solo Xmas was ok, but I'm finding New Year a bit harder. I think I'm nervous of navigating finding a new house and moving etc. even though (a) people do it all the time, (b) some things about my stbex absolutely make me cringe, reading a relationship thread about a sulker really underlined that him breaking up with me has done me the favour.

I don't have any close family but I do have lots of wonderful friends. I think I'm just having to get used to taking responsibility for myself and DS. Sometimes it feels v powerful and liberating and other times like now it feels a bit bleak and lonely.

I'll try to do positive things and wait for the happy place to cycle around. I hope everyone else is doing ok.

@PancakesForElephants Yes, I find reading all the relationships threads on MN very therapeutic, it reminds me why I am now single and why I'll likely be happy to remain that way! So much sulking, selfishness, moodiness, lack of ability to prioritise other people's needs, grumpiness, laziness, immaturity, etc etc etc. and that's usually the ones who are 'good guys really', never mind the abuse, the affairs, the lying, the gambling, the secret debts, the use of Only Fans, the porn addicts etc etc etc. All I want now is a peaceful life with some decent friends and spending time doing simple, positive things and enjoying nature. Last summer I went away for 2 weeks with my dog in a wee camper exploring the Outer Hebrides and it was so nice - we are so conditioned to feel like it's really sad or lonely to do things like that alone, but I just kept remembering that I no longer had to be attuned to someone else's moods, needs, wants. It was a bit brilliant, actually. Already planning the next one for 2025!

The point about finding a new house and moving is completely understood. I've never owned a house of my own (was with him 33 years) so the idea of doing so is incredibly scary with tiny flashes of excitement that I can have things my way (give or take the four kids etc). My mother has dementia and over Xmas actually forgot all about his infidelity and our impending divorce. Just makes it such hard work having to constantly retell her. That said I am trying to hold my head high.

I've currently just started a book about a woman leaving a bad marriage (I don't know why yet) to return to her sisters but on impulse suddenly flies to Ireland. I love the idea of it but have found myself scared of being alone (which is nuts when you realise I have four kids). Think I need to embrace aloneness and enjoy it.

New here!!
Seperated 2 months ago after 18 years together. 2 children 10 and 12. Im 42 and have never been single or lived alone so despite always craving "alone time" I now panic whenever I dont have my children with me.
Im renting my own home now and co parent 50/50.

I find myself grieving for the loss of companionship, although it was my choice. I had to leave after realising I was no longer in love with or attracted to my husband. I ignored it for years but finally realised we both deserved better in the long run.

Im now getting anxiety and panic attacks which are crippling me. Im constantly worried about each day. Cant work and dont even want to get out of bed most days but I force myself. Wish I could get out of this mental hole!

@ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers I think 'aloneness' can take a bit of practice, it can feel a bit strange at first, especially in a new or unfamiliar environment. But it does actually become quite addictive, especially after years of prioritising the needs and wants of others. I visualise it as me in the middle of an empty space around me, but rather than feel small and isolated, I am relaxing into the space, spreading out and taking up more room in my own life. I can feel my brain battling again all the social conditioning, and then pushing past it and realising that alone time and space feels really good!

Well I started out with a an aibu thread a few days ago, and now I'm in the breakup support group. I did the breaking up. I just feel like I'm in limbo now waiting for something to crash down. After over a decade of being together all I had to give him back from my house was two of his t-shirts. He was never in it really.

@mom2daisypie I hear you. I also left my dp for the same reason and really flip flopped and panicked and actually ended up going back to him. Now in hindsight I realise there was lots that was positive on my own and I took the cowardly way out out of fear. I have so much respect for you for doing the right thing. It is so hard but you will get there. I now realise there was lots I loved about living alone but I didn't let myself commit to it

Thank you for your reply. I can completely understand you going back tbh. The thought has flashed (briefly) across my mind but I know for me it's more the comfort of whats familiar and "safe". I don't actually miss him at all. Just the security. I do fear being alone forever. I can't imagine ever being able to date anyone else let alone be intimate. The idea terrifies me!

A friend told me recently that the universe has a plan for all of us and once we follow out gut and make a change the best thing we can do is relax and let things play out. I just wish I didn't keep feeling so panicked about it all.

I think when you're the person who breaks away, there will always be a small part of you, at least initially, that wonders if you've made a mistake. Doubts yourself. I'm just hoping I can embrace the single life, enjoy being alone. I just feel so sad at the moment. Even food shopping and looking at meals for one gets me down at the moment sometimes.

I so identify with everything you're saying. I regret not getting out more: to the theatre, museums, anything really, during the time I didn't have DD. I just sat at home and moped. Can you plan nice things to do when you don't have the DC?

Can I also ask what you told your DC about the reasons for splitting.? As DP and I get on so well, if we do split again (obvs the reason I am on this thread!) I don't know how we could explain it to dd (11). She was only 2 when we separated before and it was so much easier and didn't upset her at all (howl, massive regret about going back).

At the moment I don't feel confident enough to go to places like theatres alone, but did go into town yesterday and went to a cafe for lunch alone. It sounds such a small thing but I felt it was a mini victory especially as I sat next to a happy couple and managed to read my magazine without taking too much notice.
It's weird because when I had a partner, I'd often go out on my own and not think for a moment that anyone was taking any notice of me, but now I'm single I feel like I look like a lonely person when I'm out and about! Like people pity me. I know its crazy and obviously no-one out there cares but I've never been without a partner and annoyingly it makes me feel vulnerable. I guess part of it is that knowledge that if I had an accident or was in trouble theres no longer that "other half" aspect. In other words no one would care or come for me. Obviously I have friends and my parents but they have their own lives and it's not the same as having a partner to rely on.

To answer your question, we sat our girls down (10 and 12) and calm explained together that we were separating. We told them how much we love them and that hardly anything will change for them (this was back in Oct when the plan was to "nest" in the family home). Since then my husband has turned nasty and refused to nest forcing me to move out entirely. DC witnessed a couple of bad arguments and overheard things from him that they never should have heard meaning we've spent the last 6 weeks trying to repair their trust and limit damage by setting up a structure for childcare and showing them that things are going to be ok.

My one regret is not doing it when they were younger but thats the benefit of hindsight.

What do you mean by ‘nest’ in the family home?

Surely this thread can be just for women.

cant we have that?

@mom2daisypie thank you. I so regret not sticking with this when DD was younger too. Wishing you all the strength in the world.